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这次该你去了 Your turn.
要命了 oh, fuck.
好吧，我去搞定 Okay, I'm awake.
早上好啊 Good morning.
你们今天起的比较早啊，嗯？ You guys are up a little early today, huh.
有没有做噩梦啊尿床啊什么的？ Did we have some nightmares or something?
看看给宝宝准备了什么好东西 Let's see what you made for daddy.
看看噢 Let's see.
（原来是便便）
我可不愿意留一裤裆这东东睡觉 I wouldn't like to sleep with that in my pants, either.
不过你爸我确实上大学时候干过一次这事 But it did happen once in college.
宝贝儿，把瓶子放下好吗？ Can you leave that bottle alone, honey?
放手好吗？ Can you put it down?
宝贝儿 Honey... Sarah...
不要啊我的心肝儿！ No, no! Sweetheart!
顶你个肺的 Damn.
好好，马上把你放回温暖的小床上噢 I know. I'll have you back in your warm little bed in one second.
好咯，乖乖回床上，小宝宝 Here you go. Back to bed, sweetheart.
现在换上了又干又爽的小尿布 You got a fresh, dry diapy.
儿子你。。。。 Peter, please!
小子，我们说好的不能这么自残的 Buddy, we talked about the head thing.
（不得不插一句，这傻小子太恐怖了吧！）
让爸爸给你把尿布扣上 Let me get you all hooked up.
坚持一下，别掉下来噢 Hang on, don't fall.
（注意！）
(重口味的来了！)
不要啊 Oh, no.
Peter... Oh.
(我要吐了！)
(你们呢？)
好了，让老爸歇会儿 Okay. A little something for daddy.
互换身份
早上好LOCKWOOD Good morning, Lockwood.
早上好，STEEL先生 Good morning, Mr. Steel.
谢谢 Thank you.
孩子们还好吗 How are the kids?
嗯，都很好，非常捧 Oh, they're terrific. Just terrific.
孩子们是快乐的源泉 Children are such a joy.
必须的，绝对是 Yes, absolutely. Always.
关于公司合并的问题考虑的怎么样了 Any word on the Amalgamated merger?
有利有弊吧 That's all but signed.
马上要给股东们做个汇报 And just in time for your partner review, no less.
真的？我没收到通知啊 Really? Oh, I hadn't noticed.
我期待着你为股东们来个印象深刻的 I look forward to having your antic sense of humor
表演啊，LOCKWOOD in the partner suite, Lockwood.
你可以让他们黔驴技穷的 It can get a touch dry up there.
谢谢领导。 么的四！ Thank you so much. Hmm.
要知道这相当于高尚演出 But a Double Windsor?
知道吗，小伙子，咱这儿不是赛狗呢 Come on, son. This is not the dog track.
不，不会的 No. Yes.
Yeah.
绝对不会。那很好 Absolutely not. Thank you.
嘿 Hi.
说真的DAVE，这不是赛狗场噢 Seriously,Dave, this isn't the dog track.
当然，早上好SABRINA Yeah. Good morning, Sabrina.
上星期他不说我的鞋是山寨意大利货呢 Last week he told me my shoes were dangerously Italian.
不会吧？ what?
给我的有关合并案的文件？ My turn with the Amalgamated files?
是的，我把每月的平均资金成本这部分进行了调整 Yeah, I adjusted the WACC to reflect the new monthly projections,
就在谈判条款23-29条这里 and I pre-negotiated articles 23 through 29.
Okay.
我希望你能先看看 I like the way you had it before, by the way.
好的，谢谢！ Yeah. Thank you.
（水平不济，以上蒙的）
早上好，PATRICIA Good morning, Patricia.
你好。 大JB，小BB，ED哥，湿湿妹。。。 Hello. MITCH: Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies.
MITCH，哥在公司呢！ Mitch. I'm at work.
被我打败了吧？ 是的，你牛X！ Did I get you? Yeah. You sure did.
你刚刚用的免提吧？是啊 You got me on speakerphone? Yep.
你那个秘书听到了吗？ Did the secretary hear?
是，听到了，全TMD听到了 Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.
哥们儿爽了！ That's awesome.
坑爹呢！你一大早的就喝多啦？ Not really. How stoned are you right now?
哥刚刚HIGH了一下 I've taken some weed.
是吗？嗯哼 Have you? Mmm-hmm.
你知道现在是几点啊？知道 Do you know what time it is? Mmm-mmm.
好象是早上9点么 It's like 9:00.
我勒个去 Holy fuck-knuckles.
你猜我看到什么了？ 闹钟？ Guess what I'm looking at right now. A bong?
错，我昨晚上买了个日式床垫 No, I found a futon on the street last night.
我忽悠人家说是个垃圾货，Y卖家几乎崩溃了 I sort of had to fight a bum for it. He was so thin.
其实这个比那种印弟安小马短毛毯一点不差 And it also came with this vintage Navajo pony blanket...
哥绝对赚到了！ So I think that's pretty much a win for me.
MITCH，你要知道做为一个成年人，是要努力工作地 Mitch, you know the adults are about to fire up a work day.
我知道，这不是想你Y了么。行行，我也想你 I know, I just miss you, dude, that's all. I miss you, too.
我们从三年级开始就是最好的兄弟了哎 We've been super best buddies since third grade.
可是我老是见不着你 I haven't seen you in forever.
嗯，我都要累挂了 Oh, I've been swamped.
我们家有对儿双胞胎 We're sleep-training the twins,
你知道么，连喘口气的时间都没有 and I just haven't had a moment to breathe.
同情你，不过我很想见见你 I'm sorry, man. I'm just super-excited to see you.
我们的兄弟之夜你记的吧？ We are still on for tonight, right?
David? Yep.
是是是，必须的 Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the thingy.
大胆儿旗鱼酒吧。别告诉我你忘了噢 Braves-Marlins. Please don't tell me that you forgot.
当然没有 Didn't forget.
那你几点来接我啊？ What time are you going to pick me up?
你小子不准放我鸽子 Don't you bail on me, David.
绝对不会 I am not going to bail.
你要是敢放我鸽子，我就意淫你！ If you bail on me, I'm going to literally eye-rape you.
收到！ I got it.
我绝对让你过目难忘！挖草！ I will actually place myself inside your ocular... Oh!
我老爹来鸟！ It's my dad.
MITCH，打扮的性感点 Mitch Planko, Sr. making a rare appearance.
这家伙对我没啥好感 This guy fucking hates me.
我晚上6点去接你。好的 I'll pick you up at 6:00. Got it.
收线 Kirk out.
老爸！ Dad.
你来揍啥 ？ What are you doing here?
嗯，我是过来告诉你 Oh, I just came by to tell you
你老子是多么的为你自豪 how incredibly proud of you I am, son.
我现在酒还没醒呢 I'm pretty baked right now,
但是我依然知道你是来挖苦我的 but I think you're being sarcastic.
是不？ Right?
不是噢，为了当个神马的演员而退学 No, dropping out of high school
是需要很大的勇气的 to be an actor was a great decision.
当然了，我发现你是这产业的重要组成部分 I saw you in that commercial for meat, incidentally.
这是我见过的最胡扯八道的说法了 That was the most brilliant portrayal of baloney I have ever seen.
你倒底来干吗的啊？ Why are you here?
我是来蹭你个早饭吃的 Just came by to see if you'd like to have some breakfast.
那不行，我10点钟有个巨鸟的电话会议。 I can't. I got a super-duper important conference call in 10 minutes.
你是个社会闲散人员！你还是个大光头呢！ You don't have a job. You don't have any hair.
倒也是。 Right.
好吧，我郑重的告诉你 Well, then I'll just say it here.
你爹我又要婚了 I'm getting married again,
我希望你能参加我的婚礼。 and I'd like you to come to the wedding.
什么时候？下周六 When's the wedding? Next Saturday.
你后妈，PAMELA My betrothed, Pamela, would like you
她希望你能去说几句过年话给咱听听 to be there to say a few words.
行，我去 I'll catch the next one.
嗯，好，那我回家去了 Yeah, right. Okay, well, then I'd better get home
把我的鞋蒸了（啊？阿胶？） and boil my shoes.
谢谢到访。 Great visiting. You, too.
Good.
突然，大嘴宝宝怪 And the baby-eating monster
出现了！ rises from the deep!
老爸，你看你喜欢哪一个？ Hey, Daddy, which one do you like better?
帝王蝶，还是斑点蝶？ The southern monarch or the many-spotted skipperling?
我一直喜欢斑点蝶 I am a many-spotted skipperling man, all the way.
帝王蝶看上去就是个超级大蛾子，你说呢 The monarch is just a glorified moth, don't you think?
是的，我基本同意 Yes. I tend to agree.
Hi, Mom! Hi!
噢，这个坏爸爸 What a bad, bad day.
Hi.
咱被区政府拒绝了N多次了 The zoning board shut us down for the millionth time.
因为KLEIN把咱们孩子的免疫证给搞丢了 Dr. Klein lost the twins' immunization records.
还有，CARA在芭蕾舞班又调皮了 And Cara got bullied in ballet class again.
你和爸爸坦白过了吗？ Did you tell Daddy?
NICO PETERS 在训练的时候给我捣乱 Nicolette Peters keeps knocking me over during the battement gliss.
可怜的娃儿，你没事吧？ Oh, I'm sorry, sugarbug. Are you okay?
我们要争取我们的权利！ We just need to keep striving for verbal resolution.
是是，合法权益，老婆 Yeah, yeah. Verbal resolution, sweetheart.
那你今天晚上没其他事了吗 So where do you want to do this tonight?
什么意思？ Do what?
辅导日 Dialogue Night.
天啊！ Oh, my God.
亲爱的我。。。 Honey...
不要说你。。。。 Don't even say that.
真对不起，我错了 I'm so sorry. I suck.
可是TILLMAN医生一周只有一小时时间 Dr. Tillman said just once a week, for one hour.
对不起 I'm sorry.
三个月前就订好的 That was three months ago.
我知道，我听她说过 I know. I heard her.
而且我确实想和你坐下来好好的交流一个小时 And I want to sit and talk with you for an hour
不用说一星期一次了。。不过今天。。我真的不行 more than once a week, but tonight, I cannot.
什么？你要干什么去？ Why? What are you doing?
我答应过MITCH I promised Mitch I would sit and watch
一起看球赛的 a game with him tonight, and...
什么！ What?
我们能不能另预约对话日？ Can we please just slide the Dialogue Night again?
我真不是故意的 I'm so sorry.
那就周一晚上吧 I can do Monday night.
太好了 Thank you.
他来早了 He's early.
是的，换了是你整天吃鹰嘴豆，打飞机 Yeah, you'd be early, too,
你也得早来 if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.
什么是鹰嘴豆啊？ What's hummus?
一种生长在地中海附近的植物 That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.
那什么是打--飞机？ What's master-ate?
一种饼干 It's a cracker.
嘿MITCH.头发做的不错啊 Oh, hey, Mitch. Your hair looks good.
Thanks.
是。为了个卫生棉广告剪成这样的 Yeah, I had to cut it for a fucking tampon commercial.
MITCH叔叔！ Uncle Mitch!
这不是我最爱的小芭蕾舞家吗 How's my favorite ballerina doing?
Hi, Uncle Mitch. Hi! Wow!
天那，你怎么这么轻撒？你减肥呢？ Gosh, you're so light. Are you dieting?
你想不想去看我的表演？ Do you want to come to my dance recital?
Oh!
不行，亲 No, honey.
你MITCH叔叔只喜欢一种舞蹈 The only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes
地方很大，有光滑的柱子，还有被爸爸们撕破衣服的阿姨 involves a big, shiny pole, and a broken woman with daddy issues.
好了，故事时间结束 Yeah, story time is over.
去整理下头发 Go fix your hair.
Ow.
闻上去很香啊JAME Mmm, smells good in here, Jame.
Mmm.
Ooh! Num-nums!
哇！蔬菜酱 Vegetable medley!
你怎么样？不错 How are you? Good.
真不错？是的 You're good? Yeah.
有女朋友了吗 Are you dating anyone?
噢，你知道我现在追谁呢？谁？ Ooh! You know who I ran into? Who?
HICKHAM小MM，在星巴克认识的 Mrs. Hickham at a Starbucks in Druid Hills.
我们那位社会学老师？是啊 Our social studies teacher? Yeah.
我约她，她不睬我 I asked her out and she wouldn't go out with me,
你想不到吧，我天天到学校盯着她 which is crazy, because I nailed her in high school.
真的？我约了她整整一个学期呢 You did? I dated her mouth for a full semester.
好了。澡洗完，擦干干，全套结束 Okay. Bathed, diapered, and in the PJs.
DAVE能满足你的需要不？ Is Dave meeting your needs, sexually?
是的，我想是的。太好了！ Yeah, I guess. MITCH: Good.
也不是很。。 Not really, mmm-mmm. Ahh.
我可以把你捆着面对面的背字母表 I would like to strap you to my face and say the alphabet.
扯远了 That's going too far.
Oh!
快看这些小傻蛋儿们 Look at these little fuckers!
你叫什么名字啊？ What's your name? Hey.
你叫什么你叫什么 What's your name? What's your name?
他们怎么不说话啊？智障还是怎么的？ Why can't they talk yet? Are they retarded or something?
你Y，别胡说 Don't say... You can't say that.
真的，你看这个看上去是有点。。。 Well, this one right here looks a little Downsy.
那个也是。。 我开玩笑的啦 Or that. MITCH: I'm kidding.
确实有一点噢，是不是？ 不是！ A little bit, though? No.
我的小南瓜，球赛完了我就回来好吗 Pumpkin, we'll see you right after the game, okay?
玩开心点 Have fun.
我喜欢这小家伙。天啊 I like it. Oh, God.
我们走吧，好的宝宝 Let's go. Okay. Bye.
Mitch and Dave.
哥儿两个自由啦 Mitch and Dave, out on the town.
噢，对了，我忘了告诉你 Oh, dude, I didn't tell you!
这星期我签了一部大片的角色 I booked a major movie role this week.
我去试了镜，选上了！ I auditioned for a movie role, I got it.
嗯，第一个选上的。 那不错啊，电影叫啥名？ Yeah, first one. Hey, good for you. What is it called?
无名牛B大电影 Untitled Awesome Movie.
泥马？叫这名字？ Truly? That's the name?
是的。 你行啊 Yeah. Yeah. Good for you.
你要不要来点大麻？ 不要了 Do you want to hotbox this nut sack? No, no.
明天可是我的好日子。 握好方向盘啊！ I've got a big day tomorrow. Take the wheel. Steer. Steering wheel.
你替我扶着 Oh, steer for me.
MITCH,兄弟啊 Mitch, come on, buddy.
我们就去看个比赛，你觉的呢 Let's make it to the game in one piece, don't you think?
你不试试这个？这个很猛很爽很免费 Want to try that? This Fiero, unfortunately, is airbag-free.
明天还要上班呢啊 It's a work day tomorrow.
来吧。 好吧，我试一小口 Come on. All right, I'll take one hit.
噢！你Y。。。你大爷的 Oh! What the... You motherfucker!
你好好开车！ Let's just focus on the driving.
你说你不来不就行了，干啥 给我扔了！ Just say no, Reagan. God, why would you do that?
我们在开车！天噢！ Well, we're driving. God!
车速挺快的，这样很危险啊 This is a car carrying a lot of speed. This is terrible.
握好方向盘，我又来啦！ Hit the steering wheel. I'm going again!
哇！来，哈酒 Whoo! Drink!
我要都喝了，三振出局啊！ I'll drink to that. All right! That was a strikeout.
怎么呢？见到你很开心 Huh, what's going on? It is good to see you again.
DAVE，我见到你也很开心 It's good to see you, too, Dave.
你泡妞的事儿怎么样了？ What's going on with the women, huh?
我倒是遇见一票很漂亮的妞儿 I've been seeing a number of very, very nice ladies.
我还偷拍了照片。哇！ I got some pictures. Wow.
这个是小泽 That is Tatiana.
噢，小泽啊 Tatiana.
姓啥 ？ What's her last name?
姓玛丽亚，她早上三点打电话给我，说想要。。。 It's Tatiana Calls-me- at-three-in-the-morning- and-wants-to-fuck-stein.
谁管他娘的她姓什么呢 Who gives a shit what her last name is?
MITCH，这让我有点想起了丽花 Mitch. Reminds me a little bit of Sabrina.
是啊！等等？谁是丽花？ Yeah! Wait, who's Sabrina?
丽花么，她是。。 Sabrina. She's this...
就是我公司制服诱惑的那个。 She's this new law associate at my work.
很火爆啊。MITCH,真的很火爆啊。。 She's so hot. Oh, Mitch, is she hot. Uh-oh.
她简直就是一本道的头牌，你懂么 She's like fall-out-of-a-magazine hot, you know?
我打赌她的电话号码在你手机私密联系人里 I bet she's number one on your cancer list, right?
啥 东西？ What is that?
少来了，你肯定知道。 什么东西啊？ Come on, you know what that is. What is that?
每个已婚男人都有私密联系人 Every married guy has a cancer list.
这必须是第一个被你醉奸的女人哈 It's the first three women you'd have sex with
如果你老婆突然得癌症挂了（这什么JB朋友啊！） if your wife suddenly died of cancer.
这太过分了 That's fucking sick.
不能乱说，那可是孩子们的妈。 Come on. That's the mother of my children.
好吧 Oh, I know.
不过我得承认，她是我意淫第一对象 But I'll play. Yes, she'd be at the top of that list.
她就是一份大礼 It's like a gift. Yeah.
打断一下，再和我说说你那个妞 But I interrupted you. Tell me about this one again.
上星期，小泽吧，她过来找我 God, last week, Tatiana, she comes over,
穿了个紧紧的黑色迷你小短裤 she's wearing this tight black mini-dress,
你都想不到，她和我说啥了 and you know what she says to me?
慢慢说给我听。 啥也没说 Tell me slow. No, nothing.
因为小泽早上3点跑来就是想 Because all Tatiana wants to do at 3:00 in the morning
搞！搞！搞，不停的搞。 is fucky, fucky, rubber ducky.
这小淫贼简直是淫的没边 This chick is insatiable!
她想用尽这世界所有已知的姿势 She wants it in every position under the sun.
MLGB你小子太性福了！ God, you're so lucky.
我们试过了老汗推车和观音坐莲 We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles,
还有老树盘根、仙人指路 the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall,
还有....（妈的我比较传统，实在想不出啥来了） the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck...
我告诉你噢，地球人没她这么饥渴的 And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.
什么？你刚刚说的那些我都不懂 What? I don't even know what these are.
你已婚，知道么，已婚 是噢。 You're married. You're married, Dave. That's true.
还有，我们开始搞了吧 Anyway, we start going at it
搞的如此激烈以致于哥们儿都滚鼻血了 and it gets so intense that my nose starts bleeding.
是不是真的啊 Come on.
这简直就是成人版《吸血僵尸惊情四百年》 This is Dracula, Anne Rice-type shit
我演TMD那个德古拉 happening right in front of me.
牛B大发了 Good for you.
等所以说的这些姿势都试过了。然后双双高潮以后 When all is said and done, when we finish up, and the dust settles,
她看着我说 she looks up at me, and she says,
“亲，下星期二，姐来，包快！” "Mitchell, next Tuesday, I am coming back here,
“保证干的你支付宝里空空如也” "and we're really going to fuck."
牛啊！ Yes!
小泽玛丽牛！ Yes! Tatiana.
奶奶的MITCH! Fuck. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch.
你Y太。。。 You're just...
我怎么就没这么好运气？ How did I miss this?
我就没机会做个坏男人，可以爱爱可以HIGH一下 I missed all the sex and the drugs and the bad choices,
我是不是太保守了？是不是啊？ and I just fucking rushed it, didn't I? Wasn't I rushing?
你没空 You were busy.
没机会进个美女多的大学，对吧？ Rushing to get into a good college, right?
结果我上了法学院 And then into a good law school.
我倒是进了个不错的法学院 Once I got into a good law school,
我所希望的就是进个好的律师行 I just wanted to get into a good law firm.
遇到了JAMIE，婚了，生了个娃，这辈子就这样了 I met Jamie, we got married, we had Cara, and that was it.
我要是能从新过20岁就好了。现在啥都晚了 I pissed away my 20s, right? Now it's too late.
你看，菜鸟，你也不错 Look, shitbird. You got it made!
你有个很火辣的老婆 You have an extremely hot wife,
你有所大宅子 and you got a beautiful house
里头装满了家具、粮食、孩子 that's full of furniture and food and kids.
你还大把大把的挣钱 And you make a ton of money.
每天下班回家 And you come home at the end of the day
老婆孩子热炕头 and you're surrounded by people who give a shit about you.
你就不象我这么孤单 You're never lonely.
你还抱怨什么呢 What more do you want?
那我告诉你我想要什么 I'll tell you what I want, okay?
我想要点改变 I want something different.
我想过你这样的生活 I want your life, you know?
我想要丽花和小泽玛丽亚 I want Sabrina. I want Tatiana.
还有和不认识的女人们爱爱 And sex with strange, new women.
你这种梦幻般的生活 You're living the dream.
当个演员多好啊，一年就干一礼拜活 How much fun is it being an actor, working one week a year?
我想整天都能抽大麻 I want to smoke weed all day.
我想有个全新的开始 I want to start a book that I actually finish.
我想有个不错的地儿 I would like to take a nice, solid dump
因为我需要一直可以排解压力 because I'm not constantly stressed out.
我还想学学单排滑轮 I want to learn how to rollerblade.
还有我想撒个尿 And I'd like to take a piss.
我也要撒尿！喷泉！喷泉！喷泉！ Me, too. Fountain, fountain, fountain.
这儿不错 Perfect.
Whoo!
这个熟女看上去一点也不开心噢 This chick does not look happy.
你的生活真的让我嫉妒羡慕恨 I was just saying that I really envy your life.
真的，我还嫉妒你呢！ That's all. I envy yours.
不，你不会的，你想过的更爽 No, you don't. You're just trying to be nice.
我才不呢，我真的嫉妒你 I'm not. I do, I envy it.
不，是我嫉妒你 No. I envy yours.
我想过你现在的生活！ I wish I had your life.
断电了？ it's rolling blackouts or something?
估计是 Yeah, I guess.
看你尿的，又高又远的 Look at your flow, it's so nice and thick.
必须的 It's confident.
你也尿的很奔放。 谢谢！ Yours is very steamy. Thanks.
我的医生说过我尿的有点热 My urologist says I run a little hot.
可以走了？可以了 Good to go? Oh, yeah.
你能开车吗？可以 Can you drive? Oh, yeah!
我勒个去啊！ Holy fuck-knuckles!
我的闹钟呢 Where is my bong?
这谁家的死孩子啊 Whose fucking kid is that?
我破枕头是怎么回事啊？ What is with all these goddamn pillows?
老婆！我靠！ Jamie! Jesus!
怎么了？ 这太恶心了吧 What? That's fucking disgusting!
把咪咪转一边儿去，这儿又不是非洲 Put those tits away, this isn't Africa!
我怎么会睡在这床上？我昨天晚上睡这儿？ What am I doing in this bed? Did I sleep here last night?
昨天晚上我们还嘿啾了？ Did I fucking nail you?
你还没醒酒啊？ Are you still drunk?
LOCKWOOD哪去了 Where is Lockwood?
我干！ What the fuck?
天啊！ Oh, my God.
我变成DAVE了？ I'm Dave?
不会吧！ Oh, my God!
赶紧开门DAVE Open the goddamn door, Dave.
快开门啊 Come on, open up the door, right now.
Fuck.
兄弟，快开门 Come on, buddy, open up the door immediately.
开门 Let's do it.
DVAE，快点开门 Dave, come on. Open up the door, right now!
好，我去搞定 开门啊！ Okay, I'm awake. MITCH: Open up this fucking door!
快TMD开门啊 Open the goddamn door, Dave!
Mitch?
我怎么在你家里？ Why am I in your apartment?
Dave, hurry up, open up the door!
坏事啦，等你看到我就知道了 Something very bad has happened. Wait until you see me.
不是，等你看到你。 天噢，放松 Wait until you see you! Jesus Christ, relax.
超级可怕，兄弟。快开门 Super freaky, dude. Let's do it!
Oh.
这是神马？ What the hell is this?
我就知道。天啊！ I knew it. Oh, my God.
我的天，这是怎么回事 Jesus Christ, what the fuck is this?
看仔细 Look at this.
是的，这是你 Yeah, it's you.
这些就是我，这一坨都是我 And this is all me. All of this shit is mine.
真好！ You're welcome.
我变成这样了 I got this.
你对我动什么手脚了？ What are you doing to me?
等下！ 我好给力啊！ Hey, stop it. I'm so strong.
你要把你自己憋死啊 You're choking yourself!
必须醒过来 Must wake up.
快点醒啊 Wake up!
我不能呼吸了，把我的手从你身上拿开！ I can't breathe. Take my hands off you.
快醒醒！ 离我远点啊！ Wake up! Get the fuck off me!
Okay, okay, okay!
去照镜子！ Go look in the mirror. Right there!
看到啦？ All right?
我太恶了！ I'm a douche bag.
我也完了！ I'm a fucking tool!
噢，你都干啥了？ Oh! What did you do?
我干什么了？你以为我想变成你啊？ What did I do? You think I want to be you?
谁说我想变成你了？ Who said I wanted to be you?
靠，我们都说了！ Holy shit, we did.
昨天晚上在那个喷泉那儿撒尿的时候 We wished for each other's lives
我们说过想要过对方的生活 when we were pissing in that fucking fountain last night.
我们想过对方的生活 We wished we had each other's lives.
我想当个好男人。 I was just trying to be nice!
天啊！ Oh, my God!
我知道去喷泉有条近路 I know a shortcut to the fountain.
这边 Go this way.
小心。淡定 Careful! Easy.
我没事我没事 I got it. I got it.
我们到了喷泉那儿应该做啥 ？ What are we going to do when we get to the fountain?
再尿一泡呢，还是。。 We're going to take a piss in it, or...
我不管，我们要把自己的生活换回来 I don't give a shit. We're gonna get our lives back.
玩笑开大了吧！ You've got to be kidding me.
嘿 ，喷泉哪去了？ Hey, where is the fountain?
重建去了 It is getting restored.
你们说什么？重建？给弄哪儿去了？ What are you talking about, restored? Where did you take it?
我不知道，我是来填坑的 I don't know, guy, I just fill the hole.
我又不是喷泉代言人 I'm not the fountain spokesman.
狗日的 Hey, motherfucker...
噢噢，，谁知道喷泉哪去了 Whoa, whoa, who could tell us where it is?
去问问我们经理 Maybe ask the district manager.
没有，电脑里没记录 Nope. It is not in the computer.
好吧，那什么时候电脑里会有记录 Okay, when will it be in the computer?
明天吧，VICTOR回来以后 Maybe tomorrow. That's when Victor gets back.
电脑没记录，公园里也没有了 It's not in the computer, it's not in the park.
VICTOR是哪位？ Who is Victor?
IT部门的人 The guy that knows how to find shit in the computer.
你们怎么就能把个喷泉搞丢了呢 How can you lose a fountain?
这对我们来说可是件大事儿，我是说这是个喷泉啊！ This is a big deal to us, okay? I mean, it's a fountain!
你就不能再仔细看看？也太不靠谱了 Can you look a little bit harder? That's incredible!
电脑里。。。没记录 It is not in the computer.
嗯，但是你那个鸟态度很让哥不爽 Yeah, but your attitude is right on your shoulders.
No, no, no!
没碰到你没碰到你 There was no physical contact.
好的好的，我们会没事的 We're okay. We're fine. We're fine.
45分钟后有我最重要的一个会面。 那是不可能了 I have the biggest meeting in my life in 45 minutes. This isn't happening.
你今天有什么事要做？ Did you have something you wanted to do today?
我那部牛B电影今天开机 I've got day one of my big break movie.
我要是不参加会面，以后15年里我就 If I don't make this meeting, I don't make partner,
再也没机会成为股东了，所有的一切都白费了 and the last 15 years of my life, everything I've done, wasted!
好吧，我来搞定 All right, fine, I'll do it.
我来吧，我能行 I've got it. I'll do it.
我就是你。干什么？ I got you. Do what?
我是个演员，真人变色龙 I'm an actor. Human chameleon.
我闭着眼都能演好个律师。告诉我关键的问题 I can do lawyer in my fucking sleep. Give me the keys.
噢，你准备把我当你的一个角色演啊 Oh, you'll play me in one of your productions?
是的，告诉我关键的问题。 好的，不可能 Yeah, give me the keys. Okay, no.
为什么？ 因为你。。 Why? Because you're...
想好再说 Careful.
因为当个律师比你在电视上看到的难的多 Because there's more to being a lawyer than what you see on TV, Mitch.
就这？是的 Is there? Yeah.
我抗议！天噢 I object! Oh, my God.
行吗？不行 Okay? No!
你错了朋友，你都不知道律师第一重要的素质是什么 Wrong, my friend. You don't know the first thing about being a lawyer.
你也不是个训练有素的演员 You're not a trained actor.
你也不是啊！ Neither are you.
省省吧好吗？ Save it, all right, Dave?
就这么一天，我们变成对方了 It's one day. We're Mitch and Dave!
我们可以在这一天里做任何事，告诉我关键 We can do one day of anything. Give me the keys.
我们走吧，你还有更好的办法？ Let's go. Do you have a better plan?
妈的，好吧 Shit. Okay. All right.
你还有41分钟，够了！ You've got 41 minutes, okay? Great!
去我家，穿上我的衣服 Go to my house, get dressed in my clothes.
然后到我办公室，找到我的助手，丽花 Then you go to my office, find my legal associate, Sabrina.
让她把并购文件给你 Get the merger documents from her,
拿着到会议室，然后。。。。 take them to the conference room, and...
噢，天啊，股东们都会在那儿 Oh, God, the partners are going to be there.
听好，一个字也别说 Listen, do not say a single word.
那要是有人问我问题呢 What if somebody asks me a question?
他们屁都不会问你 They're not going to ask you a damn thing.
会议开始以后，你继续一言不发 Once the meeting starts, you will continue to say nothing.
如果有股东问你关于并购文件的事， When a partner asks you for the merger documents,
你把文件无声的递给他们 you will then silently hand them over.
了解，耍大牌，不卑不亢 I get it. Play it big, but maintain my reality.
太简单了。 不，不能耍大牌 It's pretty simple. No! You play it small.
我费了几个月的心血 I have spent the last nine months
才把这个交易变成可能 banging out the terms of this deal.
你唯一要做的事就是拿 到文件 The only thing you have to do is hand over the documents, that's it.
放心，这比嘿啾都容易 Dude, easy as fuck.
你绝对不在会议的时候这么说话 You can't say things like that in the meeting, Mitch.
是的，好建议 True. Good note.
我这边，你去我家，所有需要的信息都在冰箱上 For me, you go to my house, okay? All my info is on my fridge.
等你去了片场，你先做头发，化妆 When you get to the set, you go to hair and makeup,
马上去看台词 and you learn your lines.
最关键的是，别给我搞砸了，懂吗 Most of all, do not fuck this up for me, all right?
这可是我的头等大事，比我的蛋蛋还重要，听清楚了吗 This is my big break, my Raging Bull. Do you hear me?
你尊重我的表演，就等于尊重我的生活 You respect my art, you respect my life.
你也要重视我的 You respect mine.
好的，知道了，抱一个，出发！ Yeah, I got you. Power hug. Come on. Yeah, okay.
等下，你得接CARA Hold on. You got to pick up Cara.
4点去舞蹈班接CARA Pick up Cara from ballet at 4:00, okay?
真受不了这一切 I am fucking all over that shit.
我靠 Holy shit.
一大早的去打高尔夫了？ Early morning on the golf course, Lockwood?
爽的 Ha-ha! Terrific!
Num-nums!
我的菜！ Fucking score!
简直是个小卖部啊 Fucking grocery store.
瞧瞧这些个小零食 Look at all of this for little Mitchie-poo.
太摆了！ Nice!
噢，你在这儿呢 Oh, there you are.
我重整了10-19部分，其他没变，你准备好了？ I redid the 10-19 variants, everything else is the same. Ready?
噢，想必你就是SABRINA Oh, you must be Sabrina, huh?
那你一定是DAVE了 You must be Dave.
我们是在角色扮演吗？快要迟到了 Are we role-playing or something? Because we're late.
他可没告诉我你这么高大，丰满，让人兴奋 He didn't tell me you were a big, fat, fucking boner.
不好意思，不专业了。是吗？ Sorry. That was unprofessional. Wasn't it?
DAVE没吃早餐？还是有点小紧张？ Dave have a mimosa for breakfast? A little nervous?
开玩笑的，嘿。。。 That was a joke. Hey...
我有个很重要的问题 I've got one really important question before we go.
这些个。。。都是免费的？ All this food here, is it free?
拿 好 You got this.
好的，我拿 着 Yeah, I got it.
I got it. Okay.
好戏上演了 Let's do this.
好的。你不记得了？ All right. You remember though?
噢，对的，在那边，，对的 Oh, right. It's down there. Got it.
也许你应该坐在我们这边 Perhaps you would like to sit on our side of the table.
Thanks.
在并购计划生效前 Now, before we formalize this merger,
还有没有重要的问题需要再交流下的？ are there any outstanding questions we might address?
从我们的第三方分析来看 Our back-of-the-envelope analysis
你们的盈亏率比预期低了2个百分点 shows your P&L to be 2% less than expected
as per the MAC clause.
我可以了解一下关于 Can I get confirmation that the EBITDA
毛利率的数据吗 still aligns with comfortable...
Dave?
Dave! Yes. Dave is here.
Hey, man.
Hey.
噢，这是你要的东西 Oh, I've got your thing.
Boom!
No, Dave, uh...
KIMKABE先生对毛利率有些疑问 Mr. Kinkabe had a question about the EBITDA.
Okay.
这个，你怎么看？ Uh, how is it?
挺好 Good.
挺好？ Good?
我说什么来着？ What am I saying?
那什么确实不咋地 EBITDA is bad.
很蛋疼 Fucking terrible.
你的意思是风险准备金需要调整？ Are you saying the premium needs to be adjusted?
我可没这么说 I didn't say that.
你听到我说了吗？没 Did you hear me say it? Nope.
那投资回报率呢？ What about our WACC?
嗯，你们使用哪种多重抽样算法？ Huh? What PPS multiple are you using?
什么？ 你们的资金链还是稳固的吗？ What's that? Is the financing still stable?
等下一同志们 Hang on, guys.
这边有TMD25个人，你就不能问问别人？ Fucking 25 guys on this side. Can you fire at somebody else?
就没人能回答这个烂问题吗？ Can anybody else field the fucking question?
Dave? Yep.
这是你的工作，只有你知道 It's your job to know this.
是，我知道。。。 Yeah, and I know that.
你们看，我们。。。这个。。 You know, we're... Everything is...
这个交易摆在这儿 Here is the deal.
我们很有钱滴 We are very rich.
大家都很有钱滴 Everybody rich!
所以呢，签了它！ So let's sign this.
还能有啥不妥的对吧 What's the worst that can happen? Right?
我们尽快把这事儿结束了 We will just roll this party out
出去吃个寿司啊，做个按摩啊 to some sushi and some sake bombs.
帖个假胡子啊，吃个甜点啊唱个小曲儿啊 Moustache is buying. And then a little karaoke for dessert?
我们有啥好担心的？ What have we got to lose?
让我们搞定他吧 Let's bones that. Huh, 'stache?
这是开哪门子玩笑？ Is this some kind of joke?
你们是不是想反悔了 Are you trying to poison the well?
你是个有远见的人KIMKABE You are the one on a fishing expedition, Kinkabe.
我相信你对这次并购的重视 You were never serious about this merger.
我 Me?
找了个傻子来干活，我看是你不想搞下去了 This moron works for you. You are the one sabotaging it.
去你大爷的啦。傻子是脏话！ Fuck you with that... "Moron" is a bad word here.
并购不谈了 This merger is over.
先生，你犯了你职业生涯中最大的错误 You have just made the biggest mistake of your career, mister.
我们法庭上见吧。不不要啊 I will see you in court. No, no.
这是场闹剧 What a bunch of bullshit!
等下，你们都别起来啊 Hang on. Don't get up.
茶歇？？现在茶歇了吗？ Is this a break? Taking a break?
要去庆功吗？ Quick fiver?
你搞什么飞机？ What the hell was that?
放松，这不挺好的吗 Relax. This is good.
你看这不是很成功吗 Look at how great this is.
这都是我密秘强大计划的一部分 It's all part of my secret master plan.
是吗？恭喜你，猜对了 It is? You bet.
你弄疼我膀子了 You are hurting my arm a little bit.
这个交易事关公司的生死 This deal is critical to the very survival of this firm.
你明白吗？ 我知道 Is that clear? I got it.
我知道我在做什么，，我正在。。 I know what I'm doing. I've been doing it for...
我在这儿做了多久了？ How long have I been doing it here, huh?
我在这儿工作了多长时间了？你知道的 How long have I worked here? You know that.
我不知道。 I don't know.
9年了。。10年 是的 Nine years, 10. Yeah.
是的，10年了，很正确 Yeah. Perfect. Exactly 10 years, that's exactly right.
我什么时候有过失误 And have I ever steered you wrong?
没有 No.
相信我弟兄 Trust me, bro.
弟兄？ Bro?
好吧 Fine.
但是从这儿出去以后，你要管好自己咯 But from here on out, you are on an extremely short leash!
明白吗？ Understand?
现在去换身正装来 Now, go. Put on some proper clothes.
搞的自己象个混混 You look like a Jew.
Oh.
请问，你好，请问明星的停车场在哪儿？ Excuse me, hello. Where do the movie stars park?
你好，嘿兄弟，怎么着？ Hello, there. Hey, man. What's up?
在TM哪儿做头发化妆？ Where the fuck is hair and makeup?
MITCH的专用。我干 Mitch Planko. Fuck me.
那儿 Right there.
我干！ Fuck me.
瞧瞧！看上去很有型啊 Oh, look at that. That looks like fun.
准备上镜了 Ready for you on set.
还需要点什么？维他命水还是什么？ Anything I can get you? Vitamin water or Pellegrino?
不，谢谢了，我有个问题 No, thank you. I just have a quick question.
这个TS，是什么意思？ What does that mean, there, "TS?"
乳头特写 Titty shot.
那BTS呢 And, "BTS," right there?
全景乳头特写。 Bouncing titty shot. Bouncing titty shot.
上镜吧 Steve Driver, coming to the set.
我有点疑惑。这电影是什么类型的？ I'm just curious, what kind of movie is this?
色片 It's a Iorno.
我不太了解这种风格哈，，是欧洲风吗？ I'm not familiar with that genre. Is that European?
就是三级片啦，不打码的 Lorno, "Light porno." Tits and shadows.
你没听说过吗？ You ever hear of Skinemax?
Oh, no.
Come on, big guy.
不行不行，得多点油 No, no, no. More oil.
要把他弄的象条活鱼 Make him shiny like fish.
你是这儿说了算的？ Are you the one in charge here?
我是导演 Mitch, I'm Valtan, the director.
太好了，这里有些误会 。。。 Oh, good. There's been some kind of mistake...
Mona!
这TMD。。。 我来啦！ Where the fuck is... I'm here!
Hey!
这出戏是这样的。 你走进来，拿着枪、、、 Here's the scene, okay? You going to enter with a gun...
枪那？ Where the gun?
MITCH，你走进来，守卫想要阻止你 Mitch, you going to come in. Guard going to try to stop you.
你把他给打趴下 Line, line, line. You knock him the fuck out, okay?
然后你看到了MONA，她躺在这床上 You see Mona. She lying there in the bed.
然后我们弹乳头，弹乳头弹乳头 Then we bounce titty, bounce titty, bounce titty,
停一下，再弹乳头，再亲乳头 slow mo, bouncy titty, Iicky tip of nipple,
快事的，弹乳头 regular speed, bouncy titty,
然后打她屁股，打屁股，打屁股 slap the ass, slap the ass, slap the ass,
然后就猛插进去，爆浆，结束，怎么样？ and a wind come in, blow out a candle. Finite. What do you think?
噢，好诗意啊！ 是的，很诗意！ Oh, it's like a poem! It's like a poem!
MITCH会在我们这部片子里一举成名的 Mitch is gonna be great in our movie film.
准备！ Lock it up!
拍好这一幕 各就各位！ Have a good scene. Places, everyone.
安静！ 这个太重了，你可不可以。。 Quiet on the set. This is heavy. Do you want to take...
开机了！ The camera is rolling.
开拍！ And action!
嘿！ Hey.
开拍啦！ Action!
不得入内！ No entry!
看这儿！ Mitch, here.
如果你。。。 If you let...
如果你不让我进去，TACO.老子干死你 If you let me don't in, Taco, I will fuck you dead.
这不象回事儿！ That can't be right.
好啦，直接把他放倒，进去！ All right, come on! Just knock him the fuck out, go inside.
继续拍 拍着呢 Keep rolling! Still rolling.
开始 Action!
有没搞错，我就这么碰一下。。 Come on. I barely hit him.
好没事，我们后期把这块儿剪了，继续拍！ All right, we fix it in post. Just keep rolling, keep rolling.
Keep rolling!
LOLA,你惊醒了！ Lola, wake up surprise.
(啊！！！！！！！！！！！！！！)
我草泥马！ Holy shit!
STEVE DRIVER，你这个混蛋！ Steve Driver, you perfect bastard, you.
罩罩扯掉！ Rip it off.
我的天！ God!
很好，吃她的奶，快吃她的奶！ Oh, yeah, eat that titty, boy. Eat that titty.
好好，吃她的奶 Yeah, yeah! Eat that titty.
我靠！ Oh, Shit.
很美味的样子！ Like Cheerio, boy. Delish!
好的，入戏了同志们！ Yeah! Breakfast champion, boys.
进入嘿啾时间 Mount for sex time.
快，上床 Go! On bed.
给我STEVE! Give it to me, Steve!
快点！ 好好 Come on! Okay, okay, okay.
让那屁股动起来！ Pump that ass, boy.
快上啊！
放开屁股 Loosen hips, loosen hips.
快，猛插！ Go! Deep thrusting!
Yeah!
把你的拇指放到她的XX(我实在不能明说了！) Put your thumb up her butt.
什么？ What?
把你的拇指放到她的XX Stick your thumb up her butthole.
我保证，她那又白又干净 I promise you, it's nice, clean.
就象你吃过的海星蛋糕！ You eat cake off lady's Starfish, okay?
Ahhh...
No.
我杀过人！ I have killed people.
大多是男人 Mostly men.
现在，把你的拇指放到这个漂亮女士的。。那什么上！ Now, you put your thumb up nice lady's butthole,
不然，你在这片场会发生意外 or else, maybe you have an accident on set.
也许是吊灯砸到你头上，要么你不小心触电了 Maybe light fall on your head, maybe you get electrocute.
也许一只山羊塞到你嘴里，这都不好说 Maybe goat fuck your mouth. I don't know.
你要知道，片场是个很危险的地方 Movie set be very dangerous place.
Mmm-hmm.
现在，享受一下吧 Okay. And have fun with it.
继续拍！ Okay. Keep rolling, keep rolling.
哥要死了。。。 I'm going to hell.
Oh, Steve!
我的屁股过上圣诞节了 It's like Christmas in my ass!
指尖划来划去！ Moving it around! Moving it around!
就象玩IPHONE Like iPhone.
Yeah.
嘿，买点APP Hey, purchase some apps!
比如愤怒的小鸟啦 Buy Angry Birds!
好了DIMITRI进场 And enter Dimitri.
啥 ？ Dimitri?
嘿 ，DIMITRI Hi, Dimitri.
小子，你TMD和我老婆干吗呢 What are you doing with my wife, man?
猛插，别凑戏好吗？ Thrust! Don't improvise, okay?
继续插！ Keep thrusting, keep thrusting.
继续！嘿嘿嘿 Pump it. Oh, hey, hey, hey.
现在亲那小子 Now kiss that boy.
不不不，我很好DIMITRI No, no, no. I'm good, Dimitri.
你现在要亲那个小子 You're going to kiss that boy.
Come on.
Okay, we're good.
(（我要自插双目，扶墙而出了！）)
举高手臂 Tall arms. Tall arms.
别忘了微笑，姑娘们 Remember to smile, girls.
很好！ Very nice.
专心点 Focus.
手臂抬高。。 Arms up. Tall.
很好，姑娘们 Excellent, girls.
微笑，，专心噢 Smile. Focus.
CARA，尽量用脚尖站稳 Cara, do try to stay on your toes.
再来！ Let's start again.
我不是应该坐在我的儿童椅上吗？ Shouldn't I be sitting in my car seat?
不不用，这样很好 No, no. You're good.
嘿 ，为什么那个大一点的女孩儿要把你放倒 Hey, tell me about the big girl who knocked you over.
那是NIC..... That's Nicolette Peters.
她老是这样 She does it a lot, actually.
她经常这样？你为什么不还手？ She does it a lot? Why don't you fight back?
嗯，因为你不让 Uh, because you told me not to.
什么？ I what?
你说要以德服人 You said I should strive for verbal resolution.
噢，爸爸有时候吧。。。。 Uh, you know, Daddy sometimes...
我怎么可以。。 好吧，我告诉你怎么做 How do I... Here's what you do.
我告诉你怎么个以德服人法好吗 What you do is you fuck verbal resolution, okay?
你把那小贱人逼到后面，用腿别倒她 You put that whore on her back, and you shank her.
你知道怎么做把刀吗？ You know how to make a shiv?
什么？ 听我说 What? Listen to me.
如果你有刀，任何人找你麻烦 If somebody comes at you with a knife,
你就把他们全家都送上西天去 you put her whole family in the morgue.
这才是以德服人 That is jailyard justice.
如果你不狠狠的还击 Because if you don't come back hard on a bitch,
你就没的混了 you're going to end up getting sold
for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O cup.
明白我的意思了吗？ Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
记住，枪杆子里出政权 Always solve your problems with violence.
好吧，爸爸 Okay, Daddy.
真乖 Great.
想吃棉花糖吗？ Want to get some Pinkberry?
Hey.
嘿，怎么样啊。 Hey, how did it go?
你闭嘴！ 怎么了？ You shut up! What happened?
首先，你告诉我，交易怎么样了？ First, you're going to tell me, how did the deal go?
很好，交易进行的很好 Awesome. The deal went awesome.
好，那，，，交易失败了？ Good. So, it's closed?
呃，是的，TMD失败了，基本上是失败了 Yeah, fucking closed. Basically closed.
不过是一个小小的插曲 A little bit of a hiccup, but...
什么意思，小插曲 What do you mean, a hiccup?
就是，，小插曲白。。 A little bit of a hiccup.
你那个老板简直是个纳粹，你不知道吗 Your fucking boss is an anti-Semite. Did you know that?
天啊，你都干了些什么 Oh, my God! What did you do?
我演的很好啊，就象我们说的那样 I was playing it nice and cool, just like we talked about,
不过那些狗娘养的日本人。。。 and then these goddamn squids, these Japs,
那个KAMIKAZE想利用我 these fucking Kamikaze pilots are coming at me,
竟让我猜迷语 riddling me with fucking questions.
我没办法即兴表演了下，Y就抓狂了 I had to do a little improv, and they got very emotional.
直接告诉我最后结果怎么样的？ Will you just tell me how it ended?
你吃官司了。 我靠，我的天啊！ You're going to court. No! Fuck! Oh, my God!
你老板他。。有点小崩溃 Your boss was a little pissed off.
但是我告诉他这是我神秘计划的一部分 I told him it was part of my secret master plan.
不，你不要啊！ No, you didn't!
我们继续努力么！是我在帮你收拾这烂摊子 We'll work on one of those. You tell me how my shit went.
噢，你的烂摊子？ 我那边怎么样？ Oh, your shit? How'd my stuff go?
MITH，你大爷的倒底是怎么回事？ Mitch, what the hell is wrong with you?
那是A片啊！！！ It was a porno movie!
是三级片啦！ It's a Iorno, a light porn.
你的小弟弟一直在裤裆里藏着的吧 The dick stays in the pants, right?
他们没有给你揪出来吧？ They didn't pull it out, did they?
可是我大拇指被迫进入那女人的菊花。 But my thumb went in three girls' assholes.
噢，天啊， Oh, fuck, get the sand out of your vagina.
今天的戏拍完了？ Did you finish the day?
拍完了MITCH I finished the day, Mitchell.
你这是干吗？ What are you doing?
我拍完戏了。很好 I finished the day. Good.
你这梦幻般的生活 You're living the dream.
你也有个狗屁梦幻般的生活。 这是份什么烂工作啊 You're living the fucking dream! Your job sucks, too.
这样下去不行 This isn't going to work.
绝对不行，这太离谱了 This is not going to work. That's way too much.
嘿我说，等下，你准备怎么和她说？ Hey, man, hang on. What are you planning on telling her?
我实话实说 I'm telling her the truth.
实话实说？ 是的 The truth? Yeah.
就这么办 That's going to work.
JAMIE会知道该怎么办 Jamie will know what to do.
嘿，小心肝 Hey, sugarbug.
爸爸 Hi, Daddy!
Hey!
嘿，我早熟的小闺女 Hey, my precocious little daughter.
我可不会用这种口气说话 I don't talk like that.
你会的。 不会，没人会这么说 You do. I really don't. No one does.
Jamie, hey! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.
很高兴你也在。 这太疯狂了 I'm so glad you're here. It's been so crazy.
噢，被强吻了。。。 Oh, that's appropriate.
嘿MITCH JAMIE,我们需要谈谈 Hey, Mitch. Jamie, we need to talk.
你留下来吃晚饭吗 Are you going to stay for dinner?
呃不，我不吃晚饭了，不过我想。。 No, I can't stay for dinner, but I would love to...
我想告诉你件事儿 Look, I got to tell you something.
现在没工夫MITCH，这会儿忙疯了 I can't talk right now, Mitch. It's been so crazy here.
双胞胎半个小时前就应该睡觉了 The twins are a half-hour past their bedtime.
你在干什么？你疯了啊？ What are you doing? What are you, some kind of animal?
CARA要开始做作业了 And Cara has to start her homework.
我还有个很要紧的电话 I have an emergency phone call in four minutes.
还记得那个房子吧？ You know that building?
那个11层的房子 记的 The 11-story building? Yup.
得把上面三层拆了，是不是很夸张啊 I have to remove three stories somehow. Isn't that crazy?
Yeah.
太可笑了，怎么会有这样的事 It's so ridiculous. It makes no sense at all.
我不是MITCH I'm not Mitch.
什么？ 我才是MITCH What? I'm Mitch.
他是MITCH，嗯，我是MITCH 我们交换了身体 He's Mitch. I'm Mitch. Somehow we switched bodies.
我是DAVE，对，这才是DAVE And I'm Dave. That's Dave. Yeah.
Oh.
是这么回事，我们冲一个有魔力的喷泉撒尿 What happened was, we pissed in a magic fountain...
嗯，，然后第二天它就消失了 Uh-huh. ... and the next day it disappeared.
它被拿去重建，所以我们现在在到处找 They moved the fountain, so now we're looking for it.
如果找到了，我们就把身体换回来 And when they find it, we're going to switch back.
我们必须撒尿因为。我们喝了酒 We had to pee because we were drinking.
是的我们喝了不少 We were drinking.
这计划听上去还行，你能哄孩子睡觉吗？ That sounds like a plan. Can you start the bath for the twins?
好的，我的小南瓜，这个。。。。 Okay, pumpkin, this is...
Mitch, no.
MITCH你不能叫我小南瓜，好吗 Don't call me pumpkin, okay?
还有你，你说过要清理。。。。 And you promised me that you would clean out...
你能让她闭嘴吗？ Can you shut this off?
都有味儿了。。 JAMIE,你坐下 It smells like cabbage now! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, sit down.
就一分钟，听我说好吗 One second. Just humor me, all right?
你来问我一个问题 I want you to ask me one thing...
我没空和你们玩游戏啊 I don't want to play your games.
只有DAVE能回答的问题 ...That only Dave would be able to answer.
就问一个问题，我求你了 Just one question. Please, I'm begging you.
好办法 Good idea.
好吧，我们的结婚纪念日是哪天，DAVE Okay, when is our anniversary, Dave?
四月17号，下一个问题 April 17th. Next question, please.
回答错误 Wrong.
差不多了，19号 So close. Nineteenth.
17号是你女儿生日，19号才是结婚纪念日 Seventeenth's your daughter's birthday, 19th's your anniversary.
你TMD怎么会比我还清楚？ 你以为我是那神啊？ DAVE: Why do you know that? MITCH: Do you think I'm a monster?
我每年都给你纪贺卡。 JAMIE，听我说 I send you a card every year. Jamie, listen to me.
问点儿别的。 Ask me anything else.
天啊MITCH. Oh, my gosh! Mitch,
我这会儿真的没空 I don't have time for this!
别啊，再试一次 Come on, one more. Just make it tough.
只有DAVE知道的，私人点的 Only Dave would know. A stumper.
好吧，我最喜欢的颜色 Fine. What is my favorite color, Dave?
红色 灰绿色啦。。。 Red. Celadon.
你知不知道我们在干什么啊？ Do you not understand what we're trying to accomplish here?
你看你这房子里都没有一点儿红色 Not a drop of the red in the room.
全都是灰绿色啊 All the accents are celadon.
你就别帮倒忙了。 It's like the opposite of help.
好的，老婆，我想起来了 Okay, honey, I got it.
我告诉你些事情 I'm going to tell you something
只有我，你老公我知道 that only I, Dave, would know.
三年前吧，你把你的按摩棒。。。 Three years ago, you took your vibrator...
就是这个。。按摩棒 You took your vibrator... Morning!
拿到浴缸里用，结果就短路了 ...Into the bathtub and it short-circuited
就电到了你的小。。。。妹妹 and it electrocuted your vagina.
继续。。。 Hang on.
你看现在那里还是非常光滑。。。 And there's now the cutest little bald spot right there.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
Hi.
噢，天啊！ Oh, my God.
我知道，这就是我。 一点也不好玩好吧！ I know. It's me. This hasn't been fun.
不错 Good story.
你个龟儿子！ You son of a bitch!
你怎么把这事也告诉他了？ How dare you tell him that?
God!
你们两个倒底哪根筋不对了？ What is wrong with you two?
God damn!
如果我告诉他， How would you like it if I told him
你有个蛋蛋感觉是个双黄蛋 that you have a ball that feels like two balls?
就好象你有三个蛋蛋 So it's like you have three balls.
DAVE有三个蛋蛋。。。 Dave has three balls. A bouquet of balls.
坏蛋！坏蛋！ Bad! Bad!
这个烂办法啊 This idea fucking sucked.
听我说，你不要想其他的了 Listen, I don't want you to worry about anything.
我来搞定你老婆 I'll be able to hold down the fort.
我们得尽快找到喷泉 We got to find that fountain as soon as possible.
好象有几个网球在裆里 It's like a can of tennis balls down here.
还有一个问题，我怎么和JAMIE说？ The only problem I see is, what do I tell Jamie?
你有什么事要和JAMIE说 What do you tell Jamie, what?
她今天晚上要是想爱爱怎么办？ When she wants to have sex tonight?
你想啊 Think about that.
你不可以和我老婆爱爱！！！ You're not having sex with my wife, Mitch.
那肯定不会啦 Obviously, bro.
但是，如果她来势凶凶。。。 But if she comes at me like a hurricane,
没人可以柳下惠啊。。。 a guy can only withstand so much.
DAVE。我们在想办法解决问题呢 Dave. We're trying to pull something off here, okay?
我会想办法摆平的好吗，她会知道的 Now, I might have to hit that, okay? She'll know.
告诉我，你们一天一般搞几次？ Now, how many times a day do you guys have sex?
我好有个思想准备 I'll have to pace it out.
今天星期几？ What day is it today?
我也不清楚 是星期二吗？ I don't know. Is it Tuesday?
是的。 你知道吗，我没问题了 Yeah. You know what? It's a non-issue.
什么意思？ 你们星期二是不爱爱的？ What does that mean? You guys don't have sex on Tuesdays?
今天休息？ Take the day off?
那挺好的 That's adorable.
我告诉你啊 Tell you what.
如果她来势胸胸。。 If she comes on like a hurricane...
就从了她？ Just drill it.
是的，还能怎么样？ 你是个凡人，给我车钥匙 Yeah, what can you do? You're only human. Give me the keys.
犀利。那是 Smart. Yeah.
好吧，温柔点儿 Okay. Please be careful with her.
就象对我们自己 It's like we're swapping rides.
必须的 It's just like that.
谢谢兄弟，你最棒了 Thanks, buddy, you're being very cool.
天啊！ Dear God.
噢，上帝，瞧瞧这个 Oh, my goodness. Look at this, huh?
谢谢妈妈咯 Bang. Thank you, Mommy.
告诉爸爸今天学校发生什么了好吗 Why don't you tell Daddy about what happened at school today?
我写了首诗 I wrote a spring poem
可是BYERS小姐只把ANGELICA的诗帖墙上了 and Miss Byers only put Angelica's poem up on the wall
但没把我的放上去 and she didn't put my poem up on the wall.
为什么她要这样呢 And why would she do that?
我还以为她比较喜欢我呢 I thought she liked me.
Dave. Yeah.
CARA和你说话呢 Cara's talking to you.
什么？ CARA和你说话呢！ What? She's talking to you.
这样的，CARA，也许人家写的就是比你好些呢 Well, Cara, her poem was probably much better than yours.
X饭！ Let's eat. Dave.
我又没看到那小贱人写的诗 I didn't read the bitch's poem,
也许人家真的就是写的不错 X饭。。。。。。 but maybe she can really turn a phrase. Let's eat.
你要告诉CARA她写的非常好 Tell Cara that her poem was good.
你这样会伤她自尊的 You just hurt her feelings.
可是我又没看到，你想让我对女儿撒谎吗 I didn't read her poem, either. Do you want me to lie to her?
必须这样吗？好吧，我无所谓噢。 Is that what this is? Fine, I don't care.
CARA，你的诗呢，虽然我没有看 Cara, honey, your poem, which I did not read,
但是我认为，一定比其他姑娘们的好 was way, way better than the other girl's poem,
虽然她们的我也没看到 which I also did not read.
还是X饭吧 Let's eat.
是卡拉，不是考拉！ It's Cara. Not Cara.
啥？ It's what?
你脑袋被门挤了还是怎么的？ Are you having a stroke right now or something?
我应该叫她什么？ 爸爸，唱个下饭歌吧。。 What did I call her? What about the dinner song, Daddy?
啥米？ What about the what?
她说什么？ 下饭歌 What's she saying? The dinner song.
那是啥东东？ 下饭歌？ What's that? The dinner song?
开什么玩笑？ 没，我可没和你开玩笑 Are you joking me? No, I'm not joking you.
要唱歌？ 唱个下饭歌老公 There's a song? Sing the dinner song, honey.
好吧，唱歌 快唱下饭歌 Course, there's a song. Just sing the dinner song.
我觉的这时候唱不合适 I don't feel like singing it tonight.
不，必须唱 No, sing the dinner song.
要不你来唱吧 You sing the dinner song.
快唱，就要你唱 Maybe you need to sing the dinner song. Sing the dinner song.
我讨厌唱那东西 I'm sick of that song.
快点！ Sing the dinner song. Sing it!
好好，我知道了 I got it. I heard you.
下饭歌 Dinner song
豆子，土豆胡萝卜和西兰花 Beans, potatoes, carrots and broccoli
鸡屁股还有土豆还有小鸡鸡 Buns and sa/ad and potatoes and chicken
打个拍子。。 Needs a lickin'
下饭歌 Dinner song.
这可不是下饭歌 That's so not the dinner song.
好吧，那我告诉你哈 Well, I'm going to tell you what.
你给我写个晚饭诗 You're going to go ahead and write me a dinner poem,
等我吃饱了肚子再说 and I'll belt that out after I choke this down.
上吧！ Let's fucking go.
好的，爸爸需要中场休息 Okay. Daddy needs a time-out.
好主意 Great idea.
Bye-bye.
你好啊MITCH，我是小泽 Hello. Hi, Mitch. It's Tatiana.
小泽，嘿 ，你好啊 Tatiana. Hi, how are you?
我们一会儿开干吧 I'll be better in a minute after I fuck you raw.
Oh.
Hello. Mitch.
小泽来电话，她说一会儿要去干我 That was Tatiana. She said she's going to fuck me raw.
小泽？干！是的 Tatiana? Shit, that's right.
这是我的约定，计划性很强噢 That's my Tuesday night regular, right on schedule.
你帮我干吧DAVE You fuck that right for me, Dave.
这次一定要尽全力 Took me a long time to reel this one in.
我不确定我能干。。 I don't think I can do this.
Hey, man!
老爸，好象有只臭鼬 Dad, I smell a skunk.
不，小孩儿，是这个 NO, it's this, kid.
你什么意思？你不敢干小泽 What does that mean, you don't think you can fuck Tatiana?
主要是吧。。。 Because it...
我的天，她都来了 Jesus Christ, she's here.
她已经在敲门了 She's already knocking on the door.
你要为我争光DAVE You nail that right for me, Dave.
可是这样感觉是劈腿了啊 It feels kind of like I'm cheating on Jamie.
你开什么玩笑呢 Are you fucking shitting me?
这算什么劈腿 In what world is this cheating?
劈腿的意思是，你的小弟弟 Cheating is when any part of your dick
进到不是你老婆的女人里面 gets up inside some woman that's not your wife, okay?
但是你的小弟弟还在你自己身上 And your dick is firmly planted
就算嘿啾，也还是进你老婆里 inside these fucking lame, triple-pleated sports slacks.
可是我的精神出轨了。。那不算劈腿是吧？ But my mind is over here. That should count for something, right?
天啊，你这个大傻B God, you big bitch.
你意淫过多少女人嗯？成千上万了吧 How many women have you fucked in your mind, huh? Thousands?
差不多吧，MITCH，那就不算劈腿啦？ Millions, Mitch. Was that cheating?
所以，那不算劈腿 No. It was not fucking cheating.
我知道能明白的，律师同志！ I think you're on very firm legal ground here, counselor.
你想太多了 Your reasoning is oddly impeccable.
这不正是你想要的吗DAVE This is what you wanted, Dave.
和陌生的女人爱爱！ Sex with strange, new women.
别废话，等着感谢我吧！ You just thank me later and shut your mouth, all right?
再见，收线了！ Goodbye. Kirk out.
我能行！ I'm going to do this.
小泽啊~~~~ Tatiana.
好戏上演了 Game on.
我要你干我一整晚 I like how you made me work for it tonight.
你想让我扮什么？大盗？ What am I? A burglar?
我靠！ Holy shit.
（我要崩溃了！）
我干啊！ Holy shit!
你怎么还不脱衣服？ Why the fuck are you still wearing clothes?
你怎么？？ When are you due?
春宵苦短， Any minute now,
赶紧开始的不然再等都成3P了。。。 so let's get our fuck on before this becomes a threesome.
噢这也太恐怖了 Oh, that's so gross!
哇，等一下等一下 Whoa, stop for a second. Stop for a second.
你好重啊！ You're so heavy!
我的咪咪好涨啊 My tits are aching for you.
涨奶呢可能，是会有点疼 That's probably the Colostrum coming, and it'll be very painful.
好好，温柔点，温柔 Okay, okay. Just friends. Just friends.
好吧，你今天晚上想怎么了？ Okay, what's your deal tonight?
没什么 Nothing.
我的新发型不好吗 Is it my new haircut?
No.
我的风衣太土了？ The trenchcoat. Too clich?
不是，不管风衣什么事 No, it's not the trenchcoat.
那到底怎么了 Then what is it?
你看上去很不错 You seem like a really nice person,
可是上星期你怎么没怀孕？ but were you pregnant last week?
你Y吃错药了？ Are you kidding me?
你和我在准妈妈学习班认识的！ You picked me up at a single mothers' Lamaze class.
好变态啊！天啊！ That's so twisted. Oh, God.
等等，等等，小泽，是我不好 Wait, wait, Tatiana. Tatiana. I'm sorry, okay?
你很漂亮，你很美 You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
你么。。。 You're just...
我什么？我不性感？ What? I'm not sexy?
不不，我不是那意思 No, no. Hey. Look, I did not say that, okay?
你吧，，我的天，我都看到孩子在踢你了！ You are... Oh, my God! I can see it kicking!
（我靠，这是异形么！） You know what, Mitch?
你知道么，MITCH！别再想找我了 Don't ever call me again.
不要，等等，小泽，不要走 No, hold on. Wait, Tatiana, don't go.
我是说，走吧，去医院看看 I mean, go, but just go to a hospital.
天啊，MITCH，你都“干”了些什么？ Oh, Mitch. What are you doing?
Oh, God.
DAVE，你应该再高点就好了 I mean, it is called a push-up, Dave.
真可怜 Pathetic.
噢天啊，我今天晚上有点感觉了。。 Oh, God, I'm really feeling it tonight.
我干！ Holy shit.
有好戏了 Game on.
天啊，这可够淫荡，MITCH Oh, my God, it's going down. Oh, Mitch!
朋友妻，不可欺，一次两次没关系 I finally get to fuck Jamie. This is my finest hour.
希望她能有全新的感觉 I hope she likes it weird.
天啊，我要干翻你。。。 God, I am going to ruin her!
我需要消化下泰国菜 I need to cool it on the Thai food.
Oh, my God.
说正经的，点上熏香吧 Seriously, dude, light a candle.
Oh, my God.
(我。。。)
不不不，屁股别冲着我 No, no, no. Don't back that thing up into me.
穿上个裤袜什么的 Go hose it out or something.
神马？ What?
我不敢相信你会和我。。八婆 I can't believe you'd come at me, guns hot.
八婆？ Guns hot?
你开什么玩笑啊 Are you kidding me?
没，没有，女士，今天晚上什么也不会发生 No, I'm not, lady. It's not going to happen tonight, okay?
哥蛋疼 I'm not attracted to you.
淡定一下，晚安 Rotate your turret and go night-night.
该你去了 It's your turn.
Hmm?
该你喂孩子了。。 It's your turn to feed the babies.
我才不去 I don't feel like it.
干吗啊 Come on.
你和我开什么玩笑呢 Are you fucking kidding me right now?
现在是早上3点，要去你去，你是孩子他妈 It's 3:00 in the morning. You go do it, you're the mother.
我是孩子的妈，但是现在是早上3点 I'm the mother! It's 3:00 in the morning!
滚下床去不然我切了你的小JB Get the fuck out of the bed right now before I fucking cut you!
我靠，要不要这样啊？ Jesus! What the fuck?
不是真的，这一切都不是真的。。。。 Unreal. This is just...
天啊1 Oh, please.
呃，，这是什么意思？ hey! What the fuck?
你大爷的怎么非要这个时候！ Oh, God! That did not just happen.
咋？ What?
嘿，我一直以为你老婆是个辣妈 Hey. I always thought your wife was a nice lady,
但是看上去她也很俗啊 but she talks like a dock worker
便便的时候也很俗 and she shits like one, too.
还有，我以前觉的你的孩子们挺可爱的，可是我错了 Plus, I used to think your kids were adorable, but they're not.
他们简直就是疯子 They're fucking bananas.
要我帮忙？ Can I help you?
现在的情况是，有两个正在尖叫的。。。。 Here's the deal. I got two screaming...
等下，你怎么喘这么粗气啊 Hold on. What's with all the heavy breathing?
你在打飞机？？？ Are you jerking off?
俺没有 No, I'm not.
好吧好吧，我有！ Yes, yes, yes, I am.
听着，我还从来没这样独处过 Look, I never get this kind of privacy any more.
你在摸我的JJ？ Isn't that kind of my dick, though?
很怪异吗？ Is that weird?
你觉的呢？ You ask yourself that.
感觉有点儿弯噢。 It sort of hooks to the side a bit.
用左手，会更有感觉 Use your left hand, you get a little bit more torque.
好的，我觉的是个好主意 That's cool. Thank you, I think.
我有问题 Question.
你剃毛多久了？ How long have you been shaved down there?
不记的了，好象是从六年纪开始 I don't... Like, sixth grade.
噢，头疼！ Well, that's disturbing.
让我告诉你 Gets me an extra inch,
不光你们结了婚的老男人才打飞机 and only you married dudes rock the dick-froes.
我有个问题 Now, let me ask you a question.
既然小泽刚刚在那儿 If Tatiana was over earlier,
你为啥还要打飞机？ why do you still have the need to jerk off?
小泽她。我想她以后不会再回来了 Tatiana. I don't think that she's going to be back for at least...
应该不会了MITCH She's never coming back, Mitch.
你都干什么了？ What did you do?
这女人都怀了九个月了！ The woman is nine months pregnant!
我TMD都能透过肚子看到孩子长什么样了！ I could see the baby's face.
我告诉过你别搞砸了我的约会之夜！ I told you not to screw up my Tuesday night.
你知道那什么准妈妈学习班 Do you have any idea how many Lamaze classes
我上的是多无聊 I had to sit through to get that lined up?
早上3点给我打电话就是为这？ Is there a reason that you're calling me at 3:00 in the morning?
是，你家夫人让我奶孩子，我该怎么办？ Yeah, the dock worker is making me feed the twins. What do I do?
把他们抱到厨房 好，别挂 Get them to the kitchen. Yup, hold on.
别哭了，老天爷 Stop crying. Jesus Christ.
闭嘴！ 我TMD听到了！ Shut up! I fucking hear you.
Mitch.
好了，够了！ Please. Enough!
你，呆在这儿！ You, there. Stay.
趴好了！ Stay.
好了，到厨房了 All right. In the kitchen.
到冰箱那去 好的 Go to the fridge. Okay.
Oh.
MITCH，你还在吗？ Mitch. Are you there yet?
我在冰箱这儿 I'm at the fridge.
拿两包牛奶 Defrost two bags of breast milk
放微波炉里，加热三分钟 in the microwave for three minutes.
然后放到两个奶瓶里 And then prepare two separate bottles.
牛奶。 Breast milk?
首先，要过滤一下 First, attach the filter to the seal.
用兰色的，不要用粉色的 Use the blue ones, not the pink ones.
打开两包。 Defrost two bags. Yup.
犀利。 打开包装了以后 Pretty intuitive. Then after the milk is defrosted,
倒出来，放到微波炉里 take it out of the microwave,
pour it into the bottles, sea/ them.
然后加八分之三勺的水 Then you need to put three-eighths of a teaspoon of water...
我靠！ Holy shit!
天啊，小孩儿 Come on, dude. Christ!
MITCH,你在听吗？ Mitch. Hey, are you listening to me?
我靠！ Holy fuck!
这很重要，别搞砸了 This is important stuff Do not screw this up.
Hey!
怎么了？ What was that?
Mitch ? Mitch!
一切都很好，然后呢？ Everything's fine, dude. What's next?
然后你要把八分之三的。。 Then you need to put three-eighths...
我靠！ What the fuck?
我地个神！ Holy shit! Fuck!
怎么了？ What just happened?
没什么，继续，两瓶。。。 Nothing. Nothing, dude. Go on. Two bottles...
给装上二号奶嘴。 天啊！ Then attach a number two nipple. Jesus Christ.
然后确保里面没有空气 Make sure you don't allow any air bubbles in.
然后，喂完他们以后... Then, after you're done feeding them...
真蛋疼。。。 This is so fucked up.
Yeah!
All right.
这可是你们自找的。好好呆在这儿 This is what you get, okay? Yeah, right there.
Mitch. Okay, dude.
明天早上，当我坐在你的办公室里 Tomorrow morning, when I am sitting in your office,
你要进城去 you need to be downtown,
找到那个喷泉 finding that fucking fountain.
我不知道还能忍受这些. I do not know how much more of this shit...
多长时间. ...I can take.
关于你们找不到的喷泉，我是 I'm one of the guys looking for the fountain
找想找到它的人之一 that you lost in the computer.
如果你能告诉我它在那儿，我会非常感谢 I'd be very, very appreciative if you could tell me where that is.
好的，没问题 Yeah, I can do that.
Good. Great.
首先，你要提出正式的申请 First, you got to fill out a formal information request.
好我马上申请 Okay, I'm going to fill that out right now.
然后我们递交到相关部门 Then it needs to go to State.
相关部门？ 是的，要他们批准 State? Yeah, to get approved.
你为什么批准不了？VICTOR Why can't you approve it, Victor?
我没这权利啊 I don't have that authority.
那相关部门批准这个，要多长时间？ How long is it going to take State to approve it, then?
三天。。。 我勒个去的！ Three days... Oh, God!
到三周时间 我勒个大去的！ ..To three weeks. Oh, come on!
Victor!
Mitch? Dave?
Hello?
Fuck!
坏消息。。。。 Real bad news...
噢，嘿 ，那个。。。 Oh, hey. Where's...
DAVE在哪儿？ Where's Dave?
洗澡呢。 Dave's in the shower.
你还好吗？ Are you okay?
Hey.
发生什么了？ What's going on?
DAVE现在很诡异 Dave's just acting really weird.
怎么个诡异法？ How?
他行为很古怪 He's just doing weird stuff,
比如昨天穿着雨鞋去上班 like he wore his shower sandals to work yesterday.
忘了去托儿所接孩子 He forgot to pick up the twins from daycare.
没，他没忘 No, he didn't. Yeah, he did.
他坐那儿一坐就是一个半小时 They had to sit there for an hour and a half.
Okay.
更要命的是，昨天晚上他和我说 And then last night he told me
他对我再没什么兴趣了 that he wasn't attracted to me any more.
我准备宰了他。 I am going to kill him.
我需要你告诉我实情 I just want you to tell me something right now, okay?
你要完全对我开诚不公 And you have to be totally honest with me.
好的 你发誓 Sure. You swear?
Yeah.
他有外遇了吗？ Is he having an affair?
No.
你为什么遮遮掩掩的 Why did you hesitate just then?
我没有啊 I didn't hesitate.
他没有外遇 He's not having an affair.
Jamie, Jamie...
你们会度过难关的 You guys are just going through
这只不过暂时的困难而已 a temporary rough patch right now.
暂时的困难？ 你知道什么呢？ Temporary rough patch? What are you talking about?
这样的生活都许多年了 We've been in this for years.
是吗？ You have?
我爱他，你知道我有多爱他 I love him. You know I love him with all of my heart.
但是他... But he's...
你了解他的家庭，和他一起长大 You know his family, growing up...
他没什么出息的时候，他很上进 He had nothing, and so he was always looking over the fence
因为他也想有更好的生活 because he wanted a better life.
这就是为什么他一下子打四份工 And that's why he worked four jobs at once,
就是为了挣够学费 so that he could put himself through school.
他是个好男人 And he's amazing.
我知道很少有人可以象他这样 I mean, nobody can do that.
但是问题在于 But the problem is,
他拥有一切了，生活好了，他却变了 now that he has everything, he can't turn it off.
他想要的更多 And he still wants more and more
两层的小洋房，更多孩子，更好的车 and a second house, and more kids, and a nicer car
所有一切，只是为了他自己开心 and anything that he thinks is going to make him happy.
所以他只顾工作 And so he just keeps working
却对我不闻不问 and he's not paying any attention to me.
我好可怜啊！ 我的天！ And I'm miserable. Oh, God.
就因为，我脚太大了 Because... I have huge feet.
因为我穿11码 They're size 11.
我的脚有半个孩子那么大个儿 My foot has grown a half a size with each baby.
我只能上淘宝买鞋 I have to go to this weird online shoe store to get shoes.
我只是想让他多关心我一点 And I just want him to pay attention to me.
我只是想让他对我一往情深 And I want him to grab me
象刚认识我那时一样的亲我 and kiss me like he used to.
不过就象你说的那样 And it's like you always say,
DAVE有点儿娘 Dave is a little bit of a pussy.
我常这么说 I always say that?
Yeah.
我常这么说是因为这是事实 啊 I always say that because it's true.
DAVE就是有点娘么 Dave is a little bit of a pussy.
我希望当他成功成为合伙人 I hope that when he makes partner,
他应该能停下来看到。。。 he can just finally stop and see...
满足自己的追求 And be happy, you know?
因为你和某人婚了这么久 Because how can you stay married to somebody
又没性生活，你能开心了么 who is incapable of being happy?
啥 ？？？ What are you saying?
我我靠！！我蛋蛋上有好多斑点啊 Holy fuck-knuckles, I've got freckles on my taint.
是不是很帅啊？ How awesome is that?
也？兄弟你在这儿干什么 Hey, fag, what are you doing here?
三天要么三星期？ Three days to three weeks?
你忘了接了孩子？ You left the kids at daycare?
你大爷的，那是我的孩子啊！ Come, on, Mitch! Those are my kids.
我再也受不了了 I can't do this shit any more.
不行，你得坚持下去 No, no, no. You are going do this shit.
你不能就这么甩手不干了 You don't get off that easy.
我的婚姻面临危机，工作也岌岌可危 My marriage is falling apart, my job is on the line.
你现在要尽最大努力做好我的角色 You are going to be the best possible me you can be right now.
DAVE，你不懂，我真的扛不住了 Dave, you don't understand. I cannot do this.
一分钟也扛不住了 你给我顶住！ Not even for another hour. You're gonna do it.
我不管，你要好好呆在这儿继续演下去 I don't care! You're going to stay here and do this right!
走开，不然我把你扔浴缸里淹死 Get out of my fucking way, or I'll drown you in your own goddamn tub!
放松点，娘的！ Easy, motherfucker!
如果你从这儿走出去 把你的手拿开 If you leave now... Get your hands off me.
咋们的交情就算完了 ...This friendship is over!
扯蛋。 别拿这个来唬我！ Fuck you. Don't pull that shit on me.
我TMD必须走了！ 我是认真的MITCH,闭嘴！ I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm serious, Mitch. Shut up!
JAMIE和孩子是我的一切 Jamie and the kids mean everything to me.
没有其他办法！ There's no walking out on this.
你一辈子就做这么一件好事吧！ For once in your life, you got to see something through.
你什么意思？ What the fuck does that mean?
我坦白和你说吧 I'm going to be honest with you, Mitch,
因为现在危机重重 because there's a lot on the line here.
你是纨绔哥 You are a quitter.
但这次你不能再有始无终了，明白吗 But quitting is not an option on this one, okay?
认真点，你能行的 You focus, you find it.
我不管你会不会良心发现 I don't care where, but you find it inside of yourself, okay?
我只在乎眼下的问题 I know it's there.
不是你说的那样，我也在努力 It's not like I'm not trying.
我只是不知道怎么处理你这些垃圾事 I just don't know how to do all your grown-up crap.
那试着去做！ You're going to learn.
这是西装，你每天都要穿这个 This is called a suit. You wear one every day.
系上领带，袜子只能黑色，不可以白色 Along with a necktie. Black, not white, socks.
穿皮鞋，不能穿凉鞋。 天啊，好复杂 Dress shoes, not shower sandals. Please. These are awful.
还有，要穿内裤 噢，不会吧 And, of course, underwear. Oh, come on.
不准和我争。 No more commando, Mitch,
你是个成熟男人，穿上！ you're a grown-ass man. Put them on.
这是日程表 This is called a schedule.
这上百记清楚了你每天需要做的事情 It tells you everything you need to do each day.
提醒你需要做哪些具体的事 Pick-u ps, drop-offs, activities,
例如什么时候接孩子，什么时候看医生，等等 play-dates, doctor's appointments, etc.
最近50个小时的活动你基本上都可以从上面找到 You'll notice that there are approximately 50 hours' worth of obligations
按照这个去做 on any given day. Make it work.
这儿是便利店 This is called a grocery store.
在这儿买吃的，这也是你的工作之一 People buy food here. It's part of your responsibilities.
结账以前，你要打电话给JAMIE Before heading to the market,
看看还有什么她需要买的 always call Jamie and ask her if she needs anything first.
同理可证，不管多小的决定 In fact, before making any decision
在你决定以前， in your life, no matter how small,
一定要先问你老婆 call your wife first.
你就是做牛做马的 Think of yourself as a brain-damaged mule,
你就是大牲口 lost in the desert, helpless, dumb
你就得受人摆布 and in constant need of direction.
决不要自己拿主意，决不能自己做决定 Never take the initiative, never strike out on your own,
还有就是不能自己更改计划，为什么呢 and never deviate from the plan. Why?
因为你是牲口 Because you are a brain-damaged mule
你是受人摆布的牲口 and you are lost in the damn desert!
这些叫做儿童，差不多就这意思吧 These are called children, or dependants.
绝对不能说自己的孩子不好 Never disparage your own child.
不管他们做什么，都要表现出极大的兴奋 Everything they do is a miracle from God.
他们调皮的话，表示他们 When they're bad, it's only because
说明他们无聊了 they're tired or going through a phase.
别人家的孩子调皮了，说明他们家没教养 When other kids are bad, it's because of indulgent parenting
要么就是这死孩子人品太差 or innate defects in the child's character.
做什么事都要提前15分钟 Be 15 minutes early for everything.
不管大事小事，开会啊什么的 It doesn't matter what it is. A meeting, an event.
这样你的压力小很多 不我的压力小很多 Less stress for me, less stress for you...
嘿，白痴，你Y结婚了！ Hey! You're married now, jackass.
你不能随便瞟别的女人 You can't look at other women.
你不可以和别的女人搭讪 You can't talk to other women.
你也不能意淫别的女人 You can't even be interesting around other women.
你就当自己是太监 Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself.