《好汉两个半》前情回顾 Previously, on Two And A Half Men
这周是春假 It's spring break this week,
佐伊和她女儿要来这边住 so Zoey and her daughter are going to stay here.
我想让你这个星期先搬出去住 I'm going to need you to move out for the week.
你准备住哪 Where you staying?
我还是去琳赛家吧 I'm just going to have to stay with Lindsey.
有人进来屋子里了 你去看看 There's someone in the house. Go look.
怎么了 What?!
-拉链夹蛋了 -抱歉 - Ball snag! - I'm sorry!
别 别 别碰它 No, no, don't touch it!
我好无聊啊 I'm bored.
我真的做不来 波塔 I can't do this, Berta.
真的是太累人了 It's just too much.
她一刻也不消停 She just never stops.
你们三人住在一起感觉如何 So, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter?
挺好的 挺好的 It's good. It's good.
你和琳赛过得呢 How's living with Lyndsey?
-好极了 -那就好 - Oh, it's terrific. - That's great.
如果我能摆脱她俩... So, if I could get rid of them...
我愿意 大大地愿意 Yes, 100 times yes.
时至今日
好 Okay.
佐伊 Zoey...
你知道我是爱你的 而且 you know I love you, and...
我愿意这辈子都和你住在一起 I want to live with you forever.
可这孩子必须得甩掉 But we got to lose the kid.
估计行不通 好 Yeah, probably not. Okay.
你有考虑过瑞士寄宿学校不 Hey, have you ever thought of Swiss boarding schools?
-我回来啦 -嘘 - Hi! - Sh...
她睡着了 She's out like a light.
真的 怎么办到的 你给她下药啦 Really? How? Did you drug her?
我想法律不允许我们下药的吧 I didn't think we were allowed to drug her.
她跟你玩了一整天 累坏了 She's worn out from playing with you all day.
累坏的可不止她一人 She's not the only one.
我说 Listen...
我一直在想着 I've been thinking about this
咱们同居的这件事 whole "moving in together" thing.
没关系 我承认我之前有过疑虑 It's all right. I admit, I had my doubts.
可你和她相处得如此融洽 But you have been so wonderful with her.
谢了啊 Thank you.
这个小姑娘真心喜欢你 This little girl loves you so much.
真的吗 Really...
她张口闭口谈的都是你 You're all she talks about.
她的世界都是围着你转的 The sun rises and sets with you.
看看这是她为你画的 Look at what she made for you.
所以 你赢了 我们都跟你过了 So, you win. We're all yours.
我是说 I mean,
在我们永远定居下来之前 there's a million details to figure out
尚有无以计数的细节问题需要讨论 before we can move in permanently.
第一条也是最重要的一条 她该上哪所学校 First and foremost, where she's going to go to school.
你有考虑过瑞士吗 Have you ever considered Switzerland?
你开玩笑的吧 You're kidding, right?
开 当然是开玩笑 I'm ki.. of course!
我哪里舍得让她离我如此遥远 Why would I want her so far away?
等我把她抱上床 我们就能慢慢商议了 Let me put her up to bed. Then we can start making plans.
好 Great.
妈咪 Mommy?
沃顿在哪里 Where's Walden?
人在这儿呢 Oh, I'm right here.
我爱你 沃顿 I love you, Walden.
我也爱你 I love you...
真是"天随人愿"啊 Just like I planned it.
室友你好啊 Hey, roomie!
你来得还真快 You got here quick.
林赛让我帮她修垃圾处理器 Yeah, Lyndsey asked me to fix the garbage disposal
而我人品向来不好 于是赶紧逃了 and I didn't like the odds.
你和佐伊谈过了吗 So, uh, did you talk to Zoey yet?
谈过了 Yes, I did.
她对此反应如何 How'd she take it?
那个嘛 这个嘛 我们 Well, I... yeah, let's...
她哭没 Did she cry?
-没 -她喊没 - No... - Yelling?
没 没人大喊大叫 No. There was no yelling.
我是说了我想摆脱她 Yeah, I know that I said that I wanted to get rid of her
让你回到这里来 and have you come back...
不会吧 Oh, no!
你知道 我很爱她 You know, I, I love her.
不是吧 Oh, no!
我也爱她的孩子 And I, I love the kid.
你少来 No!
我会努力克服这问题的 I'm just going to have to make it work.
不可以 决不许 我不干 No, no, no, no, no, no!
艾伦 我很抱歉 Alan, I'm sorry.
好吧 好吧 我自己想办法解决 Okay, okay, I'll... I'll figure something out.
最起码我能活下去 If nothing else, I am a survivor.
好吧 很有趣 活下去 我懂了 Okay, very funny. Survivor, I get it.
拜托 我已经很有罪恶感了 Oh, come on! I feel bad enough already.
救命啊 Help me...
快打急救电话 911!
好吧 就陪你玩下去 来 Oh, okay. I'll play along. Here,
给你100元 感觉好点没 would 100 dollars make you better?
你不是闹着玩啊 You're not kidding?
不是闹着玩 Not kidding...
你可别死啊 Don't die.
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翻译：猫中之王 被昆茵抛弃赛 Holyzch
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时间轴：godwuwen 校对：Holyzch Barney赛 后期：孤帆 总监：YY
好汉两个半 第九季第二十二集
我要让他接受最好的治疗 I want him to have the best possible care.
不管要花多少钱都行 我付 So, whatever it takes, I'll pay for it.
你想不付都不行 You're going to have to.
这人的医疗保险是我见过最烂的 The man's got the worst insurance policy I've ever seen.
自付费用越高保险越便宜
-什么意思 -低于50万的费用都该他自付 - What do you mean? - He's got a $500,000 deductable.
低于50万都自付吗 A $500,000 ductable?
哪怕是按我们的收费 他发一次 Even at our prices, he ain't gonna
心脏病也都达不到这个花费 hit that with one heart attack.
好吧 我来处理这件事 All right, ,ell, I'll just... I'll take care of it.
在同居伴侣一栏打钩 Just check the box "Domestic Partner."
不 我们只是哥们而已 Oh, no, we're just buddies.
我们可没有哥们的表格 We got no buddy forms.
-可是 -少废话 叫你打钩你就打 - Yeah, but... - Just check the damn box.
菊花残 满地伤 再不出柜就泛黄啰 Come out, come out, wherever you are.
眼下除了等待 什么也做不了了 I guess there's nothing to do now but wait.
原谅我如此冷酷无情 Forgive me for being callous,
可你不觉得这心脏病发得也太及时了吧 but don't you think this heart attack is a bit convenient?
-什么 -拜托 - What? - Come on.
他想找机会溜回来 He tries to weasel his way back into the house.
你拒绝了他 You tell him no
于是他倒在地上 紧捂胸口 and he falls to the ground, clutching his chest.
你是说他的心脏病是假装的吗 You think he faked a heart attack?
他连被鲨鱼袭击都能装得出来 I think he'd fake a shark attack.
鲨鱼袭击要如何假装 How do you fake a shark attack?
我怎么会知道 问艾伦去 I don't know. Ask Alan.
哈勃 Harper?
在这里 Yeah, right here.
好 你的男朋友不会有事的 Okay, well, your boyfriend's going to be fine.
太好了 That's great.
他不是我的 Uh, he's not my...
算了 It's great.
是表格的缘故 这么填写比较方便 It was the form. It was just easier.
他真的犯心脏病了吗 Um, did he actually have a heart attack?
-虽然是轻度 但是是真的 -我就说嘛 - It was a mild one, but yes. - Told you.
他没事的 他需要多休息 He should be fine. He's just going to need rest
少受点压力比较好 and as little stress as possible.
多久呢 For how long?
不知道 一到两个月吧 I don't know, at least a month or two.
这下好了吧 Great...
所以我们才不入花丛入菊丛 对吧 That's why we gave up women. Am I right?
还真挺有说服力的 It's a compelling argument.
沃顿 Hi, Walden.
你感觉如何啊 How ya feelin'?
感觉棒极了 Fantastic.
我打着吗啡点滴 I'm on a morphine drip.
每个人都应该来打个吗啡点滴 Everyone should have a morphine drip.
世界将会永保和平 There would be no more war.
那个 医生说 Listen, the doctor said
你犯了点 心脏病 that you... had a little heart attack,
不过没什么大碍 but you're going to be fine.
对 Oh, yeah.
没错 我想起来了 Yeah, I remember now.
佐伊搬进咱家 然后 Zoey's moving in and...
我就被踢了出来 I'm... I'm moving out.
你没有被踢出去 No, you're not moving out.
我没有吗 I'm-I'm not?
你想呆多久就呆多久 随你高兴 No, you can stay as long as you want. As long as you need.
这样啊 Oh.
真高兴听到你这么说 Oh, that's... that's so good to hear.
好家伙 Thataboy.
你现在什么都不要担心 I just... I just want you to not worry about anything.
-我不会的 -好吧 - I won't. - Okay.
你好好放松 安心养病 好吗 You just relax and feel better, okay?
好的咧 Okeydokey.
沃顿 你知道吗 Hey, Walden. Guess what?
知道什么 What?
我一边说话一边尿着呢 I'm peeing right now.
真的吗 No kidding.
完全不用担心 But it's okay.
因为我的小鸡鸡上接着一根尿管 There's a tube attached to my wiener.
没见着尿管啊 I don't think there is.
-天啊 他会没事的吧 -会没事的 - My God. He's going to be okay? - Yeah.
他放轻松好好休养就行 He just needs to take it easy.
我要是失去他 I don't know what I would do
我真不知道该怎么办了 if anything happened to him.
我好的那个儿子都已经死了 I've already lost my good son!
你知道他们这里探病可以抵停车费吗 Do you happen to know if they validate parking?
这些管子 是输液 So, are those tubes putting stuff in
还是吸液啊 or taking stuff out?
两者都有吧 I think a little bit of both.
我懂了 Oh, I get it.
就跟吃屎一样 自给自足 It's like eating on the toilet.
医生怎么说啊 So, what did the doctor say?
说他得放轻松 Uh, he just said he needs to take it easy.
别给他太大的压力 You know, no stress.
那我们还是先别告诉他 Then I guess we shouldn't tell him
我在学校的事情吧 about what happened at school.
不能说 打死都不能说 No, we definitely should not.
我对天发誓 那大麻是别人塞我置物柜的 Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
别人干嘛白送你啊 Why would they do that?
亲爱的朋友 这就是价值百万的未知之谜啊 That, my friend, is the million-dollar question.
琳赛 Look, Lyndsey,
我知道你是他的女朋友 I know you're his girlfriend,
我也明白你会想照顾他 and I know you'd like to take care of him, but...
但是我觉得这次的事情得怪我 I kind of feel responsible for this.
我希望能把他留在我家直到康复为止 And I'd like him to stay with me until he recovers.
那行 咱们去喝杯咖啡吧 Fine. Let's go get some coffee.
起床啦 艾伦 Wake up, Alan.
又到了擦澡的时间了吗 Is it spongebath time again?
你想得美 You wish.
这是干嘛 What's going on?
你是谁啊 Who are you?
艾伦 太伤我心了吧 Ah, Alan, that hurts.
连自己的亲兄弟都认不出来啊 Don't you recognize your own brother?
你说什么 是在恶整我吗 What is this, some kind of sick joke?
查理早去世了 Charlie's dead.
你心存疑虑 我明白 You're dubious. Understandable.
你14岁的时候 When you were 14 years old,
要第一次去男女聚会 you went to your first boy girl party,
你当时很紧张 and you were really nervous
因为他们说要玩转轮盘 大冒险 because they were going to play spin the bottle.
然后呢 Yeah?
我在你离家前 So, before you left the house,
我骗你说大人的法式热吻 I convinced you that the grownup way to French-kiss
就得把口水吐到对方的嘴里 was to spit in the other person's mouth.
你吐了一口浓痰进人家马希·比尔森的喉咙 You hocked a big loogie down Marcy Bilson's throat
然后她狠狠地踢了你的蛋蛋 and she'd kicked you in the nuts.
这有什么 全高中的人都知道这事情 Ah, come on, everybody in high school knew that story.
回答我这个问题: Answer me this:
查理最喜欢从女人嘴里听到哪五个字 What are your five favorite words to hear from a woman?
"我做完得走" "I can't spend the night."
查理 Charlie...
如假包换 At your service.
这 这怎么可能啊 I don't... I don't understand.
你是重生了还是怎么了 Are you reincarnated or something?
没有 我还在地狱里呢 Nah, I'm in hell.
强制附身在一个老女人的身体里 Walking around in his old broad's body
也是地狱的一种永恒放逐方式 is supposed to be some kind of eternal damnation.
你猜怎么着 You know what?
他们大错特错了 The joke's on them.
有奶子就是有奶子 Boobs are still boobs.
那你怎么游荡到这里来了 So, why are you here?
我想你可能需要有人指点迷津嘛 I thought you could use a little help.
最近的确是诸事不顺没错 I have been through a rough patch.
你看起来是像被螺旋桨碎尸万段过吧 You look like you've been through a propeller.
我是来提点你 扭转人生 I came here to tell you it's not too late
为时不晚 to turn your life around.
怎么扭转 How?
别再当寄生虫了 Stop being a parasite.
挺起胸膛 长点志气 做个有卵蛋的男人 Step up. Be a man. Grow a pair.
顺便告诉你 这幅身躯也有一对卵蛋呢 Uh, parenthetically, this body actually has a pair.
在我的洞洞下晃着 They dangle right under my hooha.
其实你可以不用说 Did not need to know that.
重点是 你寄生了我八年 Point being, you lived off me for eight years
现在又换个宿主寄生 and now you're living off this new guy.
等等 沃顿是我的朋友 Now, now, hang on. W-Walden's my friend.
是他邀请我同住 He invited me to stay with him.
亲老娘其实很紧的小屁屁吧 Oh, kiss my surprisingly tight ass.
放屁 谁跟你是朋友啊 You're nobody's friend.
你就像盲肠 扁桃体 You're a useless appendix, like tonsils,
或我洞洞下的蛋蛋 全都没毛用 or the nutsack under my hooha.
看来地狱也挫不掉你的锐气啊 I see hell hasn't mellowed you out any.
听我的劝 回新宿主的家里 Listen to me, you got to get out
跟人家说清 然后出来自立门户吧 of that guy's house and make a life for yourself.
我是也可以去跟琳赛住啦 I suppose I could go live with Lyndsey.
你没听懂我说的 You're missing my point.
我不是让你这个寄生虫 I'm not suggesting that the tapeworm
换个新大肠寄生 find a new colon to crawl into.
伸出你的手 Hold out your hand.
谢了 Thank you.
这是你人生最后一次机会啊 艾伦 This is your last chance, Alan.
搬出旧家 自立门户 Move out of that house. Get your own place.
别再给这个世界制造负担了 Start pulling your own weight in the world.
好的 我听你的 Okay. I will.
看着吧 我会变的 You'll see. I can change.
很好 Good.
那我的劝告就告一段落了 Then my work here is done.
谢了 查理 Well, thanks, Charlie.
别客气 You got it.
我走之前呢 Before I go...
给你看这个吧 you gotta check this out.
没骗你吧 Was I lying?
你敢说这不够变态恶心吗 Tell me that's not disturbing.
我能怎么办啊 佐伊 What do you want me to do, Zoey?
我上次叫他收拾包袱 他就差点挂了 The last time I asked him to leave, he almost died.
你什么意思 What does that mean?
你是打算让他寄生到他死掉那天吗 He lives with you until he actually does die?
就到他能重新站起来的那天嘛 No, just until he gets back on his feet.
他又没腿 站个屁啊 The man has no feet.
他就是个无腿的残疾人 He is a footless man.
拜托哦 Okay, come on.
他不是还有个妈吗 干吗不去寄生他妈啊 What about his mother? Why doesn't he live with her?
他们关系不好 They don't really get along.
那他女朋友呢 What about his girlfriend?
他们关系也不好 They don't really get along.
天啊 Oh, God.
所以我们就得被他寄生一辈子了吗 So we're stuck with him forever.
这男的简直就是家里客人界的疱疹嘛 The man is the herpes of houseguests.
你这么说是不对的 Come on. That is not fair.
你说的 You're right.
好歹疱疹还销声匿迹过 Herpes sometimes disappears for a while.
惊喜 Surprise!
艾伦 Alan.
疱疹 Herpes.
怎么了 他们怎么让你出院了 What? They let you out?
没 是我自己退病房的 Oh, no, no. I checked myself out.
我不想要你在我身上多花一分钱了 I didn't want you to have to pay one more penny for me.
别这么说嘛 Oh, come on.
钱是小事 The money is not important.
你的健康才是大事 What's important is your health.
不 我一直当寄生虫才是大事 No, what's important is that I stop being a parasite
我得靠自己站起来 and stand on my own two feet.
你又没脚 站个屁啊 You have no feet.
什么声音 What was that?
是佐伊 It's Zoey.
我马上来 宝贝 I'll be right there, honey.
我去收拾收拾我的包袱 收拾完我就走 I'm just going to grab my stuff, and I'll get out of your hair.
你确定吗 Are you sure?
确定一定肯定 沃顿 我被高人点醒了 I am positive, Walden. I-I have had an epiphany.
我要让我的生活彻底改观 I need to make a big change in my life.
你要去哪儿呢 Where will you go?
我在网上找到一个小房子 Oh, I found a cute little place online.
也许不算大 Uh, you know, it's not much,
不过至少还能捍卫我的自尊 but, uh, at least I'll have my pride.
我不知道啊 艾伦 I don't know, Alan.
让那男人有点自尊好不好 Let the man have his pride!
如果需要寄东西的话 这是我地址 Uh, here's my address for mailing stuff.
如果你真想这样的话 If this is what you want...
我就希望这样 It's what I want.
所有人都希望这样 It's what everybody wants!
别听她的 Don't listen to her.
不不 她说得对 Oh, no, no. She's right.
她是包愤怒狠心肠的茶袋 She's an angry, cold-hearted tea bag!
不过她说得对 But she's right.
他说什么 What did he say?
他说你说得对 He said that you were right.
不 杰克 No, Jake.
既然我不住在那海滩别墅里 If I'm not living at the beach house,
你也不能住海滩别墅 you're not living at the beach house.
有时生活就是充满了不公平 Yeah, well, sometimes life just isn't fair.
你当然可以来我现在住的地方 Well, sure you can visit me where I'm living now.
不过 你没有自己的房间 But, uh, you're not going to have your own room
自己的床或者自己的卫生间 or your own bed or your own bathroom
还有 你也许得先打破伤风预防针 and... you might need to have a tetanus shot.
但我很希望你能来 But I'd love to have you.
行 来的话说一声 Okay, you let me know.
好 晚安 Okay, good night.
行啊 All right.
不算大 但 It's not much, but...
是我自个的了 it's mine.
我自力更生 I am self-sufficient.
无牵无挂 And beholden to no one.
哦 这可不是好兆头 Oh, that's not a good sign.
很奇怪 It's odd...
艾伦总算走了 But now that Alan's finally gone,
我却有点想他 I actually kind of miss him.
是啊 我也是 Yeah, me too.
沃顿 我开玩笑呢 Walden, I'm kidding.
是嘛 我也是 Oh, yeah, me too.
那么 So...
总算能过二人世界了 Now that we have the house to ourselves,
你想干些什么呢 what would you like to do?
我最想"干"的 What I would like to do
是你 is you.
至于在哪里"干" And where I would like to do it,
是这个房子里的每个房间里 is on every flat surface
的每块地板上 in every room of this house.
喔 嘿 Woo. Hey.
哦 杰克 Oh. Jake.
这是我朋友 嘉比 This is my friend, Gabby.
嗨 Hi!
我们回我房里待着去 We're going to go hang out in my room.
杰克 这个嘛 Uh, Jake, uh,
慢着 hold on.
你最近没跟你爸爸说过话吗 Have you spoken to your father lately?
没 应该是没吧 No, I don't believe I have.
看看好的一面 Look at the bright side.
什么好的一面 What bright side?
他也许会跟我们分享他的大麻 He might share some of his pot with us.
醒醒 睡美人 Wake up, buttercup.
嘿 查理 Oh. Hey, Charlie.
你觉得怎样 So, what do you think?
我终于有自己的家了 I finally got my own place.
太棒了 Fantastic.
你没有再寄生人家老鼠了吧 You're not sponging off that rat, are you?
有老鼠? There's a rat?
没 逗你玩呢 Nah, I'm just kiddin'.
已经死了 He's dead.
可难道你不以我为豪吗 我照你说的做了 But aren't you proud of me? I mean, I did what you said.
我现在自力更生了 I'm standing on my own two feet.
是啊 Yeah.
傻逼 Sucker.
什么 What?
我特地从地狱赶回来 I had to come back from hell to do it,
就为把你从我别墅里赶出来 but I finally gotcha out of my freakin' house!
可是 我以为你希望我能成为真汉子 But I-I-I thought you wanted me to be a better person.
没 Nope.
什么 那你就单纯为了耍我 What? So you were just screwing with me?
是的 Yep.
为什么 Why?
我在地狱里 艾伦 咱就是干这个的 I'm in hell, Alan. That's kind of what we do.
哇 Whoa!
好恐怖的梦啊 What a horrible dream.
有啥好恐怖的 What's so horrible about it?
还在哦 Still here.
我能玩你一整晚呢 I can do this all night.
好吧 Okay.
怎么说才好呢 How do we sell this? Uh...
快打911 911...
拜托 这也太次了点 Come on. You can do better than that. Uh...
救救我 Help me.
快打911 Call 911.
我是快死了还是在拉屎啊 Am I dying or taking a dump?
快打911 快打911 Call 911... Call 911...
就这了 好 Yeah, that's it. Okay.
表演时间 Showtime.
艾伦 Alan...
别担心 我不是要搬回来 Don't, don't worry. I'm not moving back in.
只是落了点东西在这儿 I just forgot a few things.
比如你儿子 Yeah, like your son?
慢着 杰克在这儿? Wait. Jake's here?
是啊 还有他小女朋友 Yeah, and his girlfriend.
啊 这死小孩 Ah, you know, damn that kid.
我跟他说了我搬出去了 他不能再来这儿 I told him I was moving out and he was not to come back here.
可他听我话吗 不 But does he listen to me? No.
没人听过我的话 可我 You know, no one ever listens to me and I...
快打911 Call 911.
-快打911 -别又来一次 Call 911. Oh, no, not again.
坚持住 我去打电话 Hold on. I'll get help.
这狗娘养的 Son of a bitch.
怎么回事啊 找不到鲨鱼吗 What's the matter? Couldn't find a shark?
医生 他现在怎么样 So, what do you think, Doc?
测试结果出来之前我们也不清楚 We won't know until we get all the tests back,
不过现在而言 他的心脏好得很 but right now, his heart appears to be perfectly fine.
谢天谢地 Thank God.
-我什么时候能接他回家 -沃顿 - So how long before I can take him home? - Walden?
我很抱歉 佐伊 可我不能让他 I am sorry, Zoey, but I am not going to have
死在我的手上 this man's death on my conscience.
我想感谢奥斯卡学院 I'd like to thank the Academy.
没有不重要的角色 There are no small parts...
只有不够大的公寓 only small apartments.
这里好像不能吸烟吧 I don't think you're allowed to smoke in here.
你刚不也在厕所里抽大麻吗 Does that include the joint you just blew in the bathroom?
这你怎么知道的 How'd you know about that?
这叫做女人的直觉 土豆脑袋 Call it women's intuition, taterhead.
只有一个人管我叫土豆脑袋 Whoa, the only person that ever called me "Taterhead"
我的伯伯查理 was my uncle Charlie.
所以... So, what does that tell ya?
我不知道 I have no idea.
去他的 我回地狱去了 Screw it. I'm going back to hell.
准备好了没 姑娘们 Ready, ladies?
-当然 -没错 You bet. We are.
咱们走 Then let's go.
爽啊 And me with just a nutsack.