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翻译：亲爱的小饭 西西 Ethan-泽生 冰蓝 丁小七‍ Livvvvv
时间轴：浓子 校对：olivia_xuxu 后期&总监：瓜瓜
摩 登
家 庭
第六季 第十二集
菲尔 亲爱的 Phil, honey!
菲尔 Phil!
快来看 Hey, check it out.
爷爷开房车自驾游 Grandpa sent us another
又给我们寄了一张明信片 postcard from his RV trip.
拉什莫尔山 "Mount Rushmore?
要是导游拉我们走快点就好了 I wish the tour guide would have rushed more."
菲尔 我们得对安布尔和罗尼的船 Phil, we have got to do something
采取点措施了 about Amber and Ronnie's boat.
那玩意儿害我们没法儿 That thing is making it impossible
在我们的车道上停车 而且还那么丑 to park in our driveway, and it's an eyesore.
但他们是我们的邻居 On the other hand, they're our neighbors
抬头不见低头见 and we have to see them everyday.
我担心那会...破坏船[破坏现状] I worry about...rocking the boat.
这可不是你的真实水平啊 You know you can do better.
让我保持清醒认识 我喜欢 Keeping me honest. I love it.
是啊 那船太破了 Yeah, the boat is trashy.
住在旁边可不会让我觉得有面子 Living next to it doesn't feel "on brand" for me.
以现在海平面上升的速度 You know, with sea levels rising at their current rate,
我们应该庆幸住在一艘船旁边 we should be glad we live near a boat.
很好 三票支持把船搞掉 Okay, so, that's three for "get rid of the boat."
-卢克你呢 -别算我 - Luke? - Count me out.
美国不是警察国家 This isn't a police state.
那艘船又没伤害人 That boat isn't hurting anyone.
关于那艘船你只需要知道 Here's all you need to know about that boat.
一 塔米·拉方丹在上面晒日光浴 One -- Tammy Lafontaine sunbathes on it.
二 我的眼睛喜欢看她在上面晒日光浴 Two -- my eyeballs like looking at Tammy Lafontaine sunbathing.
别逼我当坏人 Don't make me the bad guy here.
你自己也讨厌那玩意儿 You know that obnoxious thing annoys you, too.
我是讨厌 但我们得用点计谋 Yeah, it does, but we need to finesse this --
那就是友善地处理 Be nice about it.
我们真的不该 The last thing we need
跟我们的疯邻居长期争执不休 is some huge feud with our crazy neighbors.
电影创意 Movie idea.
我去写在创意清单上 I'll put on the list.
喜剧类还是剧情类 Comedy or drama?
取决于谁来演 Depends on casting.
肯定有这方面的规定吧 There's got to be some kind of regulation about this.
我要给市政厅打电话 I'm gonna call the city.
这主意太糟糕了 That's a terrible idea.
不 关于一个能把自己 Uh, no, a terrible idea
传真到不同地方的人的电影才糟糕 is a movie about a guy who can fax himself places.
因为你不知道电影名叫《传真侠》 'cause you haven't heard the title -- "Just the fax man."
Just the fax ma'am:《虎胆龙威》经典台词
海浪怎么不能来得更快些 That water can't hit us soon enough.
你们上哪儿去了 Hey, where have you guys been?
公共图书馆圣文森特分馆 The San Vicente branch of the public library,
然后去吃了冰激凌 and then ice cream.
回答具体得很诡异啊 That was a weirdly specific answer.
一切都很正常啊 Well, everything is normal.
通常当一切正常时 Usually when everything is normal,
人们不会回答得这么一致 people don't respond in
像排练过一样 perfectly rehearsed unison.
看现在是谁具体得诡异了 Now who's being weirdly specific.
如果你们真去了图书馆 Well, if you went to the library,
为什么手里没书呢 why don't you have any books?
我们在那儿看的 We read there.
我读的是《大红狗克利福德》 I read "Clifford the Big Red Dog."
我读的是理查德·张伯伦的自传 And I read Richard Chamberlain's autobiography.
你知道他曾在伦敦表演哈姆雷特吗 Did you know he did Hamlet in London?
知道 我记得你在公共图书馆 Yes, I remember you telling me about that
圣文森特分馆跟我说过这事 at the San Vicente branch of the public library.
去收拾一下你的房间吧 亲爱的 Okay, well, why don't you go clean your room now, sweetie?
好主意 Great idea.
莉莉 别忘了你的背包 Lily, don't forget your backpack.
这是什么 Whoa, what's this?
小卡 小丑道具 Cam, clown supplies?
没错 那是我的 Uh, yeah, those are mine.
我们去干洗店取的 We just had to pick them up from the dry cleaner.
那也是我的 Also mine.
天呐 他们肯定是 Oh, my gosh, they must
用水洗导致衣服都缩水了 have shrunk them in the wash!
他们洗了4万遍吗 Did they wash them 40,000 times?
好了 听我说 Okay, look.
没什么大不了 但今天早上我带莉莉 It's no big deal, but I took Lily
去上儿童小丑学校 to a junior clown college this morning.
你说真的吗 背着我带她去的 Are you serious? Behind my back?
没错 因为我知道你不会同意的 Yes, because I knew you wouldn't approve.
那我该怎么做 What was I supposed to do?
别带她去啊 你也知道 Not take her because you know
我有多不喜欢这些无聊的东西 how I feel about all this mumbo jumbo.
mumbo jumbo表示无意义的活动 该词源于西非某部落的一个戴面具的舞者
那就像是我的父亲一样 Mumbo Jumbo was like a father to me.
我已经跟你说得很清楚了 I have been very up front with you.
你非常了解 You knew going in
我希望把我们的孩子培养成一个小丑 that I wanted to raise our child as a clown.
没错 但后来我终于 Yes, but then I finally
意识到你不是开玩笑的 realized that you weren't joking
而且我们也同意会等她长大 and we agreed that we would wait
能够自己做决定的时候再说 until she was old enough to decide for herself.
你总是跟她在一起做各种事情 You do stuff with her all the time,
也从没问过我是否同意 and you don't ask me for my permission.
就在上周 Just last week,
你带她去看医生 连问都没问我 you took her to the doctor without even asking!
因为她耳朵感染了 'cause she had an ear infection!
算我们扯平了 Let's say we're even!
太棒了 Bravo!
你吃光了所有的蓝莓 You ate all of your blueberries!
那就能获得掌声吗 That gets applause?
我刚做完了周五的纵横字谜 I just finished the Friday
大家毫无反应 crossword puzzle and nothing.
所有人都知道 I guess everyone knows
总统赫伯特·胡佛的中间名吗 Herbert Hoover's middle name.
看看我买了什么 Look what I got --
我们小国王的宝座 A throne for our little king.
非得把马桶放在桌子上吗 Do we have to put the toilet on the counter?
我在这里喝午后咖啡的 I take my afternoon coffee here.
一次解决一个问题吧 Let's fix one problem at a time.
我打算对乔进行如厕训练 I've decided to potty-train Joe.
不 太早了 No, too soon.
现在说珍珠港的笑话还太早 It's too soon for a Pearl Harbor joke,
做如厕训练再合适不过了 perfect time for this.
我不想催促他 I don't want to rush him.
如果压力太大 他会受到精神创伤的 Too much pressure and he will get traumatized.
他是喝着比自己头还大的胸部的奶长大的 He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head.
我觉得他不容易被吓到 I don't think he scares easy.
这孩子准备好了 而且要我说实话 The kid's ready, plus, if I'm being honest,
我受够了买尿布 I'm tired of buying diapers.
请问尿布在哪里 Excuse me, where do you keep the diapers?
这边 先生 Right over here, sir.
自信 成人保护内裤
你在搞笑吗 You trying to be funny?
我们还有更大的尺码 We have larger sizes.
他会表现出色的 He's gonna do great.
当然 Why wouldn't he?
没人比乔更棒了 对吧 There's no one better than Joe, right?
我就比乔更棒 I'm better than Joe.
在他那么大时 At his age,
我就会用三种语言从一数到十了 I was counting to 10 in three languages.
那孩子的标准[棍子]真低 The bar is so low for that kid,
除了他们玩过横棍的时候 except when they play limbo.
他们把棍子举得好高 谁都能过去 they hold it up so high anybody can get under it.
我没看见你躺在这里呢 I didn't see you there.
真的吗 Really?
上周一直在窗户里 So, is that your creepy twin brother
盯着我看的 who's been staring at me
是你的变态双胞胎兄弟吗 from the window for the last week?
我可以撒谎然后说是 Uh, I could lie and say "Yes."
你可以装作你没觉得高兴 You could pretend you weren't flattered,
但我们何不直入主题呢 but why not just cut to the chase?
那是什么 And what would that be?
我可以摸一摸你的一些东西吗 I could maybe touch something of yours?
当然啦 我也可以踢你的一些东西 Sure, and I could maybe kick something of yours.
我喜欢我们之间这么紧张 I like this tension.
很有"他们会吗 什么时候"的感觉 Very "Will they, when will they?"
回你的房间去 小男孩 Go back to your room, little boy.
知道了 我到上面去看你 Got it. I'll see you from there.
一旦我们利用这个接近他们后 Once we approach them with this,
我就会很难跟市政府 it's gonna be awfully hard for me to log in
打匿名电话了 with my anonymous call to the city.
你没必要举报任何人 You're not gonna have to report anyone.
叫我大卫·科波菲尔吧 Call me David Copperfield,
因为我就要让一艘船消失了 'cause I'm about to make a boat disappear.
邻居们 我给你们做了点香蕉面包 Hey, neighbors. I made you some banana bread.
我喜欢香蕉面包 Oh, I love banana bread.
我们的药房里也有这个 We have this at our dispensary,
不过里面会加大麻 except we got weed in it.
但我们可以把你的面包给孩子们来耍他们 But we could give this one to our kids as a trick.
这艘船真不错啊 This boat is really something.
你知道我们怎么称呼她吗 You know what we call her?
-"头奖" -因为你卖大麻 - "Jackpot"! - 'Cause you sell pot.
天啊 我们从来没想到这一点 Holy cow, we never thought of that.
这是我这辈子最棒的一天 This is the best day of my life!
我可以登上来好好瞧瞧她吗 Permission to come aboard and check her out?
当然可以 Yeah!
前提是你说的是我的船 而不是我妻子 That is, if you're talking about my boat and not my wife.
是啊 你可不能登上我 Ooh, yeah, you can't climb aboard me.
在车道上不行 Well, not in the driveway, anyway.
-这真是太棒了 -是啊 - This is so great. - Yeah.
你去做了头发吗 Did you do something new with your hair?
买了一顶新假发还是怎么 Did you get a new wig or something?
这种漂亮的小船就该下水 对吧 Sweet boat like this belongs in the water, am I right?
把船推下水的人们 Well, you know, people who put their boat in the water,
只能在周末使用船 they only use it on the weekend.
而我们每天都可以用 We get to use this baby every day.
你能想象 Can you imagine
每天都去码头上找这艘船吗 visiting this boat every day in the marina?
你花了很多钱买的东西 You spend a bunch of money on something,
就要让人们看见 you want people to see it.
所以我穿着低胸上衣 That's why I wear low-cut tops.
是啊 听好了 Yeah! Listen up.
我得说实话 I just got to be honest.
我们对这艘船很有意见 We're having a hard time with the boat here.
什么 你不喜欢"头奖"吗 What, you don't like Jackpot?
它太大了 让我们很难 It's gigantic and makes it pretty tough
在我们的车道上停车 to park in our driveway.
那是因为你们侵犯到我们的车道了 Well, that's because you open your doors onto our driveway,
我们的船停在这里 where we keep our boat.
是啊 根据城市规定 Yes, and, according to city regulations,
它不该出现在这里 it shouldn't even be here.
规定 听到了吗 "Regulations." Hear that?
听着 我们真的想保持友好 Look, we really do want to keep this friendly.
这船都在这里停了三周了 And it's been here for three weeks.
-是的 它很美 -很俗气 - Yeah, and it's beautiful. - And it's tacky.
-冷静点 -你的话太难听了 - Settle down! - Hey, that is uncool!
船身上画着四张大A呢 There are four aces on the side of it.
这样吧 You know what?
我们现在要求你们上岸 We're gonna have to ask you to disembark.
那是"滚开"的船上用语 That's boat for "Get off."
是的 这里不欢迎让人讨厌又扫兴的人 Yeah, there's no room up here for an uptight buzzkill.
不许说她让人扫兴 Don't call her a buzzkill.
没错 很多人认为我很风趣 That's right. There's a lot of people who think I'm fun.
你抱怨星期五的烟火表演 You complain about fireworks Friday,
我儿子敲鼓的时候你也抱怨 you complain when my son plays his kick-ass drum set,
你买了窗帘挂在卧室的窗户上 you bought curtains for your bedroom window.
我们对你们做什么了吗 What have we ever done to you?
我想你回答了你自己的问题 I think you just answered your own question.
好 这样吧 All right, you know what?
把你那半生不熟的香蕉面包拿走 Here, take your buzz-free banana bread
回你们那宝贵的车道去 and go back to your precious driveway.
很乐意 With pleasure.
还有 克莱尔 By the way, Claire,
刚才我只是想表示友善 earlier, I was just being nice.
其实我根本不喜欢你的新假发 I do not like your new wig.
你不喜欢的是她的真头发 Hey, what you don't like is her real hair!
-菲尔 -颜色是染的 - Phil! - Uh, not the color.
菲尔 Hey, Phil!
你还认为我们应该态度好一些吗 Still think we need to be nice?
不 是时候拿出强硬手段了 No. It's time for more drastic measures.
没人可以羞辱我的香蕉面包 No one insults... my banana bread.
-米奇尔 -菲茨 不 不要 - Mitchell. - F-fiz-- no! No!
我告诉过你不要偷偷接近我 What have I said about you sneaking up on me?
我可能在剃胡子 I could have been shaving.
场面可能会像《理发师陶德》里一样 This could have been a sweeney Todd moment.
莉莉继承了我扮小丑的才华 Because of me, clowning is in Lily's blood.
她是领养的 Adopted.
但她有天赋 我们会证明给你看的 But she's a natural, and we're gonna prove it to you.
如果她不能逗你笑 If she doesn't make you laugh,
那她就再也不扮小丑 she'll quit clowning forever.
求你了 Come on.
来嘛 Please.
我向你介绍大众皆宜的亚洲面孔 I present to you the Asian for any occasion,
会让你转怒为喜的小丑 the clown that will invert that frown,
活力四射二人组 菲茨宝和... the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
莉茨宝[似Limbo: 地狱] Lizbo!
你没听出来吗 Are you not hearing that?
名字我们还在研究 We're working on the name.
不 菲茨宝的帽子掉了 Oh, no, Fizbo dropped his hat.
它去哪了 莉茨宝 Where did it go, Lizbo?
在那里 It's right there.
在这里呢 There it is!
不 菲茨宝 不要 No, Fizbo! No!
怎么了 我拿回了我的帽子 莉茨宝 What? I'm just putting my hat back on, Lizbo.
天呐 Oh, my --
五彩纸屑 Confetti --
希望菲茨宝知道怎么用吸尘器 I hope Fizbo knows how to vacuum.
谁把灯关了 Who turned out the lights?!
你把那些弄得到处都是 You're just spreading it around.
我试着对莉莉表示支持 I tried to be supportive for Lily.
我真的尝试了 但是我真的想死 I really did, but I wanted to kill myself.
固定节目里没有这段 That's not part of the routine.
她真有天赋 再来一次 She's a natural. Do it again.
好的 来吧 不要紧 Okay, here we go. Nothing to it.
尿吧 Make it rain.
好的 我明白 Yeah, I-I get it.
有别人看着你 你尿不出来 You -- you can't pee with another guy looking at you.
这不是什么坏事 顺便说一句 Not a bad thing, by the way.
老天 胡佛的中间名原来是克拉克 Son of a gun, his middle name was Clark.
杰 Jay!
能给我们留点隐私吗 May we have some privacy, please?
为什么 For what?
这样乔就可以继续咬电线了吗 So that Joe can keep chewing on the electrical cord?
我们 我们不为这鼓掌吗 O-oh, we're -- we're not clapping for this?
我跟你说过他没准备好 I told you that he was not ready, and when he is,
为什么不让他母亲来照看他呢 why don't you let his mother take care of it?
要知道 我养育了两个正常的孩子 You know, I raised two fully functional children.
你还有两个我不知道的孩子吗 You have two kids that I don't know about?
拜托 就让乔按部就班长大吧 Please, just let Joe go on his own schedule.
曼尼两岁半才学会用座便 Manny learned to potty-train when he was 2 1/2.
你跟我说是十三个月的时候 You told me it was 13 months.
我可能是有点夸张了 I may have exaggerated a little bit.
两岁半一点也不超前 2 1/2 isn't advanced at all.
你还夸张了什么事 What else did you exaggerate?
我三岁的时候真的喜欢莎士比亚吗 Did I really like Shakespeare when I was 3?
比起莎士比亚来 你更喜欢果冻 Not so much Shakespeare as Jello.
我说的第一个词真的是"拿铁"吗 Was my first word really "Latte"?
不是"拿铁" 是"果冻" Not so much "Latte" as "Jello."
天呐 我就是个正常人 Oh, my god. I'm normal.
相信我 孩子 没人觉得你正常 Trust me, kid, no one's saying that about you.
那你为什么要那样跟我说 Why did you tell me all those things?
为了提升你的自信心 To give you confidence.
你很需要自信 因为当时 You needed it because you were having
你学识字遇到了很大的困难 so much trouble learning how to read.
这说不通啊 This makes no sense.
是的 你以前也总这么说 Yes, that what you always used to say.
我并没有灰心 I wasn't deterred.
我知道莉莉拥有成为优秀小丑的天份 I knew Lily had what it took to be a great clown.
还用问吗 I mean...
她只是需要找到适合自己的形象 She just needed to find her persona,
过程可能会很痛苦 尤其对我来说 and that process can be painful, especially for me.
莉莉 Ohh, Lily!
早安 邻居们 Good morning, neighbors.
天气真好 Beautiful day, huh?
嘴里抹了蜜也没用 Don't even try to sweet-talk us.
这艘俗船哪里也不会去 This tacky boat ain't going anywhere.
那是什么 Hey, what's that?
我不知道 会是什么呢 I don't know. What could it be?
菲尔不是那种报复心很重的人 Phil is not a vindictive guy.
他现在还会听米利瓦尼利的歌 He still listens to Milli Vanilli.
该乐队首张专辑大获成功后 传出幕后代唱丑闻
我可以对着这丑闻起舞 It's a scandal I can dance to.
可罗尼和安布尔不配见友好版菲尔 But Ronnie and Amber don't deserve nice Phil.
他们对我的女人不敬 They dissed my woman,
所以我请了大人物来对付他们 so I called in the big guns.
你现在真性感 You are so sexy right now.
姑娘 你知道事实如此[米利瓦尼利经典歌名] Girl, you know it's true.
又恢复老样子了 Oh, there it goes.
那是我儿子吗 Is that my son
还是世界上最让人心花怒放的镜子 or am I looking in the world's most flattering mirror?
真是风趣又振奋人心 That's funny and uplifting!
当然 It is!
多谢你这么快就过来 Thanks for coming so fast.
我们打给你的时候你在哪 Oh. Where were you when we called?
谁知道 看起来都一样 Who knows? It all looks the same.
不是亚利桑那州就是新墨西哥州 Either Arizona or New Mexico.
甚至有可能是真的墨西哥 Or maybe even regular Mexico.
多谢你们能来 各位 Thanks for coming, fellas.
-你们好 -爷爷 - Hey, guys. - Grandpa!
我的小姑娘们来了 你们好吗 There's my little girls. How are you?
这是什么意思 What the hell is this?
我们看到你停车位上的船 We see your driveway boat
所以帮你找了群退休老人来护航 and raise you a convoy of retirees.
我想再给你生三个孩子 Oh, I want to have three more of your babies.
你的自驾游怎么样 How was your road trip?
亮点在密苏里州的布兰森 The highlight came in Branson, Missouri,
维克托追尾了雅科夫·斯米诺夫的越野车 when Victor rear-ended Yakov Smirnoff's S.U.V.
[俄罗斯裔美国喜剧演员]
交换信息的过程超搞笑 The exchange of information was hilarious,
但也很累人 but frustrating.
我完全听不懂发生了什么 I don't understand anything that's happening.
在我的国家 "In my country,
车给我上保险 car has insurance for me."
这一类的 that sort of thing.
笑就好了 Just laugh.
某天我们会怀念这个时刻的 One day, we'll treasure these moments.
你们说服我了 I guess you guys convinced us.
在前院里摆一个大型消遣性交通工具 It's awesome having Giant recreational vehicles
真的很棒 in your front yard.
我们知道你们打什么主意了 Oh, we see what you two are doing.
好戏还在后面呢 You're gonna see a whole lot more,
这些老家伙们喜欢穿着短款睡袍耍太极 'cause these old guys like to do Tai Chi in shorty robes.
没用的 我喜欢跟老人家玩 This ain't gonna work. I like hanging with old people.
让我感觉自己身材特好 Makes me feel in-shape.
他们睡不着还听不见 They can't sleep and they can't hear.
所以会整晚都开着收音机 They're gonna be blasting talk radio all night long.
我喝醉以后打呼特别响 When I get drunk, I snore real loud,
所以什么都听不见 so I won't hear a thing.
我们就是想让你体会一下 We just wanted to give you a taste
跟你做邻居是什么感觉 of what it's like to have you for a neighbor.
我喜欢我们的嘴凑这么近 I love how close together all our mouths are.
好吧 Okay.
爸 那个 Hey, dad, what's the --
丽塔·海华丝那个电影讲啥来着 What's the plot of that Rita Hayworth movie?
我朋友很想知道 My friends here were wondering.
我们的暗号 That's my cue.
该去帮我儿子处理船的事了 Time to help my boy get rid of a boat.
《上海小姐》 Uh, "Lady from Shanghai"?
就是那部 That's the one.
我记不清细节了 I-I can't remember all the details.
不过里面肯定有匹马 Pretty sure there was a horse in that movie.
还是个婴儿来着 Or was it a baby?
搞笑的是 这些都不在上海 Funny thing -- none of it was in Shanghai.
还是都在上海来着 Or was all of it in Shanghai?
好吧 我讲到哪里了 对了 Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.
所以 不管是马还是婴儿 So, either the horse or this baby...
我要把这些放进车里 I'm just putting these in the car.
我帮穷人家的孩子练举重 I help underprivileged kids lift weights.
你连车都不会开呢 You can't even drive yet.
好吧 你知道了我的秘密 你的呢 Okay, you know my secret. What's yours?
你真觉得这种方式会有用吗 Do you honestly think any of this is gonna work?
我不知道自己在干什么 I don't know what I'm doing.
在你身边我都不知道该怎么说话了 I-I have no clue what to say when I'm around you,
可我一直在想你 but I think about you all the time.
好吧 我的秘密是这个 Fine. Here's my secret.
我装得这么高冷 I put all these walls up and act tough,
可其实 我从来没跟男生恋爱过 but... I've never really been with a boy before.
真的吗 Really?
我也没有跟女孩恋爱过 Because I've never been with a girl.
天呐 真可悲 oh, my God. Pathetic.
回家找妈妈去吧 小婊砸 Run home to your mommy, you little bitch.
莉茨宝在里面吗 Is Lizbo in here?
她应该在我们房间 I think she's in our room.
小卡 Cam.
如果你没有背着我行动的话 You know, you wouldn't be in this position
就不会落到这般田地 if you hadn't gone behind my back.
如果我丈夫足够支持我 I wouldn't be in this position if I had...
我也不会落到这般田地 a supportive husband.
我倒想听听看 这怎么成了我的错 Okay. Really, I would love to hear how this is my fault.
昨天 莉莉非常用心地为你表演 Yesterday, Lily performed her heart out for you.
能表演扫帚把戏她很激动 She was so excited to do that broom routine,
可你毫无反应 and you gave her nothing.
她感到失望 So she got desperate,
于是开始做一些攻击性的表演 and she resorted to mean-spirited gags.
接着 就在一瞬间 你猜怎么着 And then all of a sudden, guess what.
你就成了笑笑先生[游戏人物] You're Mister Mcgiggles!
这个人物是不是就像你叔叔 Oh, is he like an uncle to you?
我最失望的一点就是 我丈夫居然 You know what hurt the most is that my husband
想让我们的女儿也讨厌我的爱好 turned our daughter against something that I love.
我们很感激你们的帮助 Guys, we appreciate all your help,
但你们不该在上面啊 but you probably shouldn't be up there.
我不介意 I don't mind.
那是大麻的味道吗 Is that weed I smell?
你居然卖毒品给他们 Wait, you gave them pot?
别瞎说 我的生意完全合法 No, I run a legitimate business.
我才不会冒这个险 I'm not gonna risk it for that.
这些是他们自带的 They brought their own.
老爸 Dad?
-不是我 -是我和维克托 - Not me, son. - It's me and Victor.
这能缓解我的关节痛 Makes my arthritis feel better.
而我还在缓解我的懒惰 And I'm in remission from being lame.
弗兰克 你的啤酒 Here's your beer, Frank.
-罗尼 谢谢 -不客气 - Thank you, Ronnie. - Right on.
上菜啦 这是猪包毯 Here you go, guys. Pigs in a blanket.
谢谢 Thank you, darling.
你们在干什么 What are you guys doing?!
你的任务是惹怒他们 You're supposed to be annoying them.
-他们不会惹怒我的 -什么 - These guys could never annoy me. - What?
罗尼 Oh, Ronnie!
抱歉儿子 罗尼居然也当过兵 Sorry, son, it turns out Ronnie's a fellow army man.
何况到了我们这个年纪 Plus, at our age,
我们很难讨厌关心老人的人 it's tough not to like someone who pays attention to us.
难以置信 Unbelievable.
我早该猜到的 I should have known better.
我爸就是这么受人喜爱 My dad's too loveable.
这是他最大的缺点 It's always been his biggest flaw.
闻上去好像在开派对啊 Hey, smells like a party!
回屋去 Back inside.
遵命 Okay, then.
*乖乖坐到马桶上* *Take your body down to the potty*
*一起嘘嘘乐趣多* *To have some fun and go number one*
这都是些什么啊 What is this filth?
我什么都试过了 I tried everything,
视频 书籍 家教网站 videos, books, parenting websites.
我连改编游戏都试过了 I even tried to make a game out of it.
还是没办法让他学会用马桶 Nothing could get that kid to use the toilet.
另外 千万别在网上搜索"尿尿游戏" By the way, do not search "Peeing games" on the internet.
乔 你想要什么 我不缺钱 Okay, Joe, what's it gonna be? I'm a wealthy man.
告诉我你要多少 Just give me a number.
七 Seven.
我刚刚发现 I just found out that's how old I was
原来我七岁才学会系鞋带 when I learned to tie my shoes.
不是你告诉我的两岁 Not 2, like I was told.
曼尼 别这样 Okay, please, Manny.
我可能是夸张了点 I might have exaggerated a little bit,
但我一直都这样 but I do that all the time.
哥伦比亚其实是个很正常的国家 Columbia actually is a very normal place.
我的成就都是假的 My accomplishments are all lies.
我一次只能安慰一个受伤的孩子 I can only deal with one traumatized child at a time.
杰 放过那可怜的孩子吧 Please, Jay, let that poor baby off the toilet.
新计划 Okay, new plan--
我们就让他待在这里直到他昏睡过去 we leave him on the throne till he conks out,
然后把他的手放进一碗温水里 then we dunk his hand in a bowl of warm water--
你疯了 That's crazy.
你知道这种事急不来的 You know that you can't rush these things.
抚养克莱尔和米奇时你经历过的 You did it before with Claire and with Mitch.
我不这么认为 I don't think he did, mom.
他经历过 对吧 Yes, he did, right?
我忙着建立自己的衣柜帝国 Well, I was a little busy building a closet empire.
当时又很流行壁球 And racquetball was pretty big back then.
也许这就是为何你如此看中此事 Maybe that's why this is so important to you.
你错过了他们人生中的重要阶段 You missed so many milestones in their lives,
你不想在乔的身上也发生这种事 you don't want to miss them with Joe.
这是你的第二次机会 This is your second chance.
别担心 杰 他知道你爱他 But don't worry, Jay. He knows you love him.
我想让他知道 我一直在他身边 I'd like him to remember that I'm there for him.
谁知道我还有没有第二次机会 I mean, who knows if I'll get another chance.
我知道 你不会的 I know. You won't.
他也不用记得这些 And he won't have to remember you
因为你会一直在他身边 because you're always going to be here.
忘了吧 Forget it.
休息一下 Come on. Let's give it a rest.
可怜的宝宝 我给了他这么大压力 The poor kid, all that pressure I put on him.
尤其是他的膀胱 Especially his bladder.
你肚子里估计憋了一加仑的苹果汁 You've probably got a gallon of apple juice in there, buddy.
你发现了吗 Did you see that?
你发现自己多么理解杰了吗 Did you see how you understood Jay?
这就是你的特别之处 That's what makes you so special.
任何人都可以学会走路 Anyone can learn how to walk
或是对着尿壶撒尿 or pee in a potty.
你是我所知的最敏感 最具洞察力的人 You're the most sensitive and insightful person I have ever known,
你一直都是这样 and you have always been.
过来抱抱 小宝贝 Come here, papi.
他在撒尿 He's peeing!
-他在撒尿 -我的小天才 - He's peeing! - My little genius!
我就知道你能做到的 小家伙 I knew you could do it, buddy!
杰 他还没撒完呢 ay, Jay, he's not done.
我靠 撒我一身 Aw, hell. It's all over me.
你能抱着他吗 Would you take him?
莉莉 Lily!
-是你啊 -行了 - Oh, it's you. - Okay.
过来 来 我们好好谈谈 Come here. Come on. Let's have a little talk.
听着 我知道你在对大爸 All right, I know that I have been laughing
实施整盅行为时 我也笑了 at some of the stuff that you've been doing to daddy,
但我不该笑的 but I shouldn't have.
我知道你很喜欢这样 I know that you love this,
但我不希望你成为那种伤害别人的小丑 but I don't want you to be the type of clown that hurts people.
我那么做不是为了逗你笑 I don't do that to make you laugh.
你不是吗 You don't?
那你为什么那么做 Well, then why do you do it?
我很讨厌那样 我不想当小丑的 I hate it. I don't want to be a clown.
真的好古怪 It's so weird.
你是说真的吗 Oh, are you serious?
那些笑话一点都不好笑 The jokes aren't funny
每个人还在叫喊着 And everybody's all,
"滴滴 叭叭 乌拉 乌拉" "Honk, honk, ah-ooga, wah, wah."
我好爱你 天啊 Oh, Lily, I love you so much. Oh, my gosh.
那你为什么不直接告诉他啊 W-w-why didn't you just tell him?
我不想伤害他的感情 I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
我心想如果我是个糟糕的小丑 So I figured if I was a bad clown,
他就会让我放弃的 he'd want me to stop.
亲爱的 你不用担心这个的 Oh, honey, you don't have to worry about that.
他会理解的 He'll understand.
你不必对大爸言听计从的 You don't have to do what daddy does.
你只需要告诉他实话就行了 You just need to tell him the truth.
-告诉我关于什么的实话啊 -没什么 - Tell me the truth about what? - Nothing!
不 莉莉 没关系的 No, Lily, it's -- it's okay.
很抱歉 大爸 但我不想再当小丑了 I'm sorry, daddy, but I think I want to stop being a clown.
为什么啊 你明明很喜欢啊 Oh, but why? Y-you loved it.
因为... Because...
因为我永远无法像菲茨宝那么出色 Because I'll never be as good as Fizbo.
他那么有趣 特别 又充满魔力 He's just so funny and special and magical.
亲爱的 听着 Sweetie -- well, listen.
菲茨宝确实独具一格 Fizbo is very special.
但你也不用想着 But you shouldn't
立马就变得像他那么出色啊 expect to be as good as he is right away.
压力太大了 It's too much pressure.
或许等我长大一些了再试试吧 Maybe I'll try again when I'm older.
电光火石之间就想出那么美丽的一个谎言 Coming up with a lie like that in the moment --
那丫头绝对不是小丑 That girl is no clown.
她会成为一名律师的 She's gonna be a lawyer.
好啊 邻居 Hey, neighbor.
我只是想说 我们昨晚跟你爸一起 Just wanted to say I had a really good time
真的玩得很开心 hanging with your dad last night.
你不用来刺激我的 You don't need to rub it in.
我整晚都听到你们在唱"尚蒂伊蕾丝" I heard it all night -- you guys singing "Chantilly Lace."
不 我说真的 No, I'm serious.
我们长谈了一番 We had a long talk.
你爸和他的朋友们 他们都是好人 Your dad and his buddies, they're good people.
他们提到了军队什么什么的 They played the whole army card.
我打算做件高尚的事 And, well, I'm gonna do the honorable thing
把船移走 and, uh, move the boat.
真的吗 Really?
是啊 我兄弟说可以放在他家车道上 Yeah, my brother says I can keep it in his driveway.
他憎恶他的邻居 He hates his neighbor.
我觉得你爸说的对 I think your dad's right.
我们应该对彼此好一点 We should start being better to one another.
我举双手赞成 I couldn't agree more.
我相信你一定会明白 一旦你熟悉我们 I think you'll see, Once you get to know us,
我们其实也是好人 we're good people, too...
根本没烟啊 There's no smoke.
我知道 I know.
好了 各位 Okay, folks.
船是谁的 Who owns the boat?
他...是我的 He -- uh, that would be me.
怎么 有什么问题吗 Why? Is there a problem?
严格说 你不能放置在这里 Technically, you can't store it here,
某个疯婆子不断打电话报警 and some crazy lady keeps calling.
嗨 警官 什么情况啊 Hi, officer. What's going on out here?
等等 你们报了缉毒警 Wait, you guys narc'd on us!
没有 我还给你拿了香蕉面包呢 No, I brought you banana bread!
是她 It was her!
谁是缉毒警啊 Now who's the narc?
克莱尔 你这也太缺德了 Claire, that's pretty uncool.
超缺德的 你们也太差劲了 Super uncool! You guys are lame!
我还得给这些房车开罚单 I'm also gonna have to write up these rvs.
-不是吧 -什么 不要啊 - Oh no. - What? No.
我这儿有货 我先撤了 I'm holding. I'm making a walk for it.