欢迎加入OCR小组 qq群906722936 字幕优先发布于群内
我是纸牌游戏的神 I am the king of pocket change.
嘿 Hey.
拜托 Come on.
就赢一次得瑟什么 老爸 Aces one time, Dad.
我要给马克攒钱买新电脑 I'm saving up for a new computer for Mark.
他放在腿上用 那电脑发热到 He uses it on his lap, and it heats up so bad,
我都害怕把我击来的孙辈给烤坏 I'm afraid he's cooking my future grandkids.
提醒一下大家 每局赌注是五美分 I'd like to remind everyone that the ante is a nickel,
还没人赢到过7美元呢 and no one has ever won more than $7 here.
不过希望还是要有的 But dream on.
今晚不这么玩了 我要制定 That ends now, as I am implementing
一个新的规则 a new additional rule for tonight.
为了我们家的新女婿 欢迎 泰勒 For new boyfriends welcome, Tyler- -
我要把赌注涨到25块 the ante is$25.
拜托 老爸 友善一点 Come on, Dad. Play nice.
我可没想让你们把这位吓跑 This isn't one of the ones I want you to scare off.
不 不 得让他涨涨教训 No, no, he's got to learn.
下次可别让女友的老爸知道 Next time, don't let your girlfriend's father
你有份好工作 know that you've got a good job.
丹 今晚你的钱是我的 女儿也是我的 Dan, I'm going to take all your money and your daughter.
女儿给你 钱可不行 Only half of that bothers me.
喂 Hey.
你告诉贝弗莉·罗斯 泰勒是你男友了吗 Have you told Beverly Rose that Tyler's your boyfriend?
没有 我还差点露馅 Not yet. And I almost blew it.
我走进午餐盒餐厅 I went into The Lunch Box,
我不知道她也在 and I- I didn't know she was in there,
我就不小心亲了贝基 and I accidentally kissed Becky.
为了掩饰 Yeah, and I had to cover
我把在场的所有顾客全亲了一遍 by kissing the rest of my customers.
-那天小费拿的可真不少 -可是 It was a great day for tips. - Yeah, but I- -
你把标准拉的太高了 You set the bar too high.
那天我只得真空上阵 I had to take my bra off for the rest of the day
才拿到五块钱 just to make five bucks in change.
不过我和泰勒已经决定 But Tyler and I have decided
告诉贝弗莉·罗斯我们在一起了 to tell Beverly Rose we're a couple.
问题在于 对待离异家庭的孩子 The problem is, with kids of divorce,
如果不能用合适的方法 就会让他们产生 if you don't get it right there can be feelings
内疚 怨恨等情绪 还会对心理健康 of guilt, resentment, and long- term effects
造成潜移默化的影响 on their mental health.
这样说不知道会不会好一点 Well, if it makes you feel any better,
爸妈一直都在一起 Mom and Dad were together forever.
我们该受的也还是受了 We suffer from all that stuff.
她说的没错 你们几个娃简直是灾难 She's not wrong. You kids are disasters.
我们会好好说的 We're going to do it right.
我打算在情人节去她家 I'm coming over to the house on Valentine's Day,
送贝弗莉·罗斯一份情人节礼物 and I'm going to give Beverly Rose a valentine
还有巧克力 and chocolates.
聪明 That's smart.
这样会增加你的印象分 That way she associates you with good things.
这招对老年人也管用 That works for older people, too.
想要老爹喜欢你 If you wanted Dad to like you,
可以带一大束百威啤洒 maybe bring over a large bouquet of Budweiser.
能尽快告诉她吗 Well, could you tell her soon?
这样的话 泰勒就不用总是 Because that way, Tyler can stop creeping
偷偷摸摸的进出我们家了 in and out of our house.
我们的炮友总在走廊碰见 It's just awkward when our booty calls
这也太尴尬了 run into each other in the hallway.
抱歉了 I'm sorry about that.
可惜不能回我家去 We just can't go back to my place
因为我和我妈住一起 because I live with my mother.
舞台交给泰勒 And the spotlight moves to Tyler.
不过 母乳喂养 But the, uh the breastfeeding
你们已经过了这阶段了吧 you've moved on from that, right?
我住我妈那里只是因为经常出差 I'm only at my mom's because I travel a lot
再租套房子太浪费了 and I don't want to waste money on rent.
你们别管闲事 You guys need to lay off.
我们俩偷摸谈恋爱已经很难了 Sneaking around has been really hard on us.
得想方设法才能获得一点隐私空间 We've had to do some really crazy stuff to get any privacy.
我跟达琳和丹一起生活的时候 Well, Darlene and I know what that's like
已经有深刻体会了 from when we lived with Dan.
这样说也许有点悲哀 Ugh, I hate that I know this,
不过阿比家的婴儿换尿布台 but the baby- changing tables at Arby's- -
是唯一能够支撑两个成年人体重的 the only ones that'll support two adults.
你以为你是第一个发现这事儿的吗 Like you're the first one to discover that.
《康纳一家》是在 "The Conners”is filmed
现场观众前拍摄录制 in front of a live studio audience.
在午餐盒过情人节 So, spending Valentine's Day at The Lunch Box.
浪漫不仅仅消失殆尽 甚至被拖去小巷 Not only is the romance gone, it's been taken out back,
一枪毙命 最后抛尸在深山老林 shot, and dumped in the woods.
告诉你吧 我们可是安排了一次 For your information, we have planned a lovely,
温馨亲密的芝加哥市区约会之夜 intimate evening in downtown Chicago.
所以我们打算轻装上阵 So we will be keeping it light and splitting
分吃一份 没有什么能把我们分开的楔形沙拉 the"Nothing Will Come Between Us wedge salad.
抱歉我来晚了 但我们有大麻烦了 Sorry I'm late, but we have got a big problem.
这算什么新鲜事吗 What else is new?
有人盗用贝弗的身份 Somebody stole Bev's identity
用她的信用卡刷了近一万美元 and ran up, like, $10, 000 on her credit cards.
买了两只小狗狗 They bought two puppies,
资助了一对南美洲的双胞胎孤儿 started sponsoring twin orphans in South America,
订了长期分时度假酒店 and bought a long- term timeshare
还不包含假期 with no holidays available.
贝弗怎么会完全不知情的 How can Bev not know about this?
这是她的账户啊 It's her account.
她已经九十多岁了 Well, she's in her 90s,
在她开始患痴呆症时 and when she started developing dementia,
就只能由我来接管她的账户 I had to jump in and take over her bills.
干嘛不直接让银行冻结她的信用卡呢 Why not just have the company freeze her credit card?
她根本不明白是怎么一回事 She's not going to understand what's going on.
她只会大发脾气 She's going to get all agitated.
然后把一切都怪在我头上 Then she's going to look for a way to blame me
她总是这样 because that's her MO.
然后我就会看到一道白光 Then I'm going to see a white flash,
醒来后发现自己在暗网上 and I'm going to wake up on the dark web,
买氯仿试图麻痹自己 shopping for chloroform.
我一个人搞不定 I can't do it by myself.
达琳 你明天一定得跟我一起去 Darlene, you have to come with me tomorrow.
我专门给自己养成了 You know, I have distinctly cultivated
一副惹人讨厌的性格 a repellent personality
就是为了别人不找我帮忙 so that people would not ask me for favors.
好吧 AlI right.
但如果她又认定 But if she starts insisting again
我是猴子乐队那个 that I'm that little guy who was the lead singer
小个子主唱 我立马走人 of The Monkees, I'm out.
记住 我们要随机应变 Remember, we're going to see how things go,
如果她看上去很喜欢你 and if she seems like she likes you,
我们再慢慢延伸到男友这一话题 we'll ease into the boyfriend talk.
对了 提醒下 Oh, just a heads- up- -
如果贝弗莉·罗斯感觉不舒服了 if Beverly Rose feels uncomfortable,
可能会变身成一条名叫煎饼的狗 she may become a dog named Pancake.
贝弗莉·罗斯 看看是谁来了 Beverly Rose, look who's here.
是我朋友泰勒 It's my friend Tyler.
你在餐厅见过的 记得吗 You met him at The Lunch Box, remember?
那天你亲了所有人 That was the day you kissed everybody.
是的没错 Yes, it was.
这话别乱往外说 Let's not share that.
泰勒给你带了好东西呢 Uh, I think Tyler brought you something.
情人节快乐 Um, Happy Valentine's Day.
这是一台喷气式飞机 It's a jet like I fly,
里面有一个小女飞行员 and inside is a little woman pilot.
她挣的钱远远不及她的男性同事 Who makes a fraction of what her male copilot makes.
好了 我要去赴我的浪漫约会了 AII right, I got a romantic evening tonight.
得去涂个亮瞎眼的口红 再吃点胃胀气药 I got to go put on a bold lip and take some Gas- X
既然这是一台空运飞机 Since it's a plane that delivers packages,
那就打开看看 why don't you look inside
里面有什么东西吧 and see if there's anything for you?
我已经在学校拿到糖果了 I already got candy at school.
你就没别的东西吗 Do you have anything else?
贝弗莉·罗斯 你太没礼貌了 Beverly Rose, you're being rude.
泰勒给你买了好东西 你得说谢谢 Tyler got you something nice. You should say thank you.
谢谢 Thank you.
这 It's- -
其实呢 我还有 You know what? There's- - there's actually- -
我还有别的东西 还有别的东西 There's something else. There's something else.
我们 Let's
看好了 是钱哟 Look at that. It's money.
这是二十块钱 It's a $20 bill.
钱就长这个样子 妈 This is what they look like, Mom.
她抱了我 She hugged me.
带她去几趟取款机 Yeah, couple trips to the ATM,
咱俩结婚她都不会有意见 and she'll be cool with us getting married.
是在开玩笑吗 Is that in play?
我是个还和妈妈住在一个屋檐下的 I'm a middle- aged single mother
中年单身妈妈 living with her kid sister.
我整个人生就是个玩笑 Everything is in play.
嘿 老妈 Oh. Hey, Mom.
还以为你的护士会来开门 I thought your nurse would be answering the door.
我们在讨论她的体态 We've be talking about her posture,
我说她有点驼背 and I said she's getting one of those humps,
她就说要呼吸下新鲜空气 and she said she needed some air.
我觉得她就是出去抽烟了 I think she goes out and smokes cigarettes.
你怎么来了 杰基 So what brings you by, Jackie?
没什么大事 Oh, nothing big.
你知道这是谁吧 Um, you know who this is?
我当然知道了 Of course I do.
嗨 Hi. - Hi.
来坐下 跟我讲讲你们俩 Uh, come have a seat, and you can both tell me
怎么都跟便秘了似的 why you look so constipated.
你今天好像心情挺好啊 It seems like you're having a pretty good day.
不幸的是 妈 我有个坏消息要告诉你 Unfortunately, I got a little bit of bad news, Mom.
你的信用卡被盗刷了 Your credit card number was stolen,
你得办张新卡 and you're going to have to get a new card.
这太糟糕了 他们是怎么做到的 That's terrible. How can someone do that?
他们假装是你 Well, they pretend to be you.
用你的账户在网上购物 They buy things online using your account.
是用电脑操作的 They do it through the computer.
他们怎么拿到我的电脑的 How'd they get my computer?
他们不用拿到你的电脑 They don't need your computer.
只需要拿到你的信用卡信息就好 They have your credit card information.
那不可能 我的信用卡就在这里 That's impossible. I have the card right here.
不 不是这样的 妈 No, it's not how it works, Mom.
他们不知怎么在网上拿到了你的账号 Somehow they got your numbers online.
这太无聊了 This is all a big bore.
你和大卫·琼斯慢慢讨论吧 You and Davy Jones work it out.
是因为发型吗 还是我个子矮 Is it the haircut? Is it because I'm short?
到底是为什么 Or what's the- -
妈 你的信用卡会有一两天 Mom, Mom, your card is going to be unusable
不能用了 for one or two days.
有人用它买了小奶狗 资助了孤儿 Somebody bought puppies, sponsored orphans,
还订了分时度假酒店 signed up for a timeshare,
还捐钱给一家声名狼藉的组织 and donated to some sketchy organization
网上能找到四部揭露它的纪录片 that's had four documentaries about it.
都是我花的啊 That was me.
什么 What?
看看多可爱 Isn't he cute?
你干嘛要花这种钱啊 Why would you buy all these things?
再说了 你怎么还得起呢 And, more importantly, how are you going to pay for them?
我每个月只还最低还款额 I just pay the minimum every month.
我知道我在做什么 I know what I'm doing.
这些都是我想要的 和我需要的 These are all things I want and need.
但这都是长期投资啊 But they all require time.
小狗会长大 孤儿也会长大 Puppies grow up. Orphans grow up.
而分时酒店 Timeshares
也得有时间才能去啊 you know, time
我不明白你什么意思 I don't know what you're getting at.
我时间多的是 I have nothing but time.
这小家伙在冰天雪地里可活不下去 This one won't do his business in the cold,
我要给他一个温暖的家来过冬 so he needs a warm winter home.
所以我才定了迈阿密的分时酒店 That's why I bought the timeshare in Miami.
好吧 但是养狗和去分时酒店 Okay, but puppies and timeshares
都是要花上好些年的 are long- term commitments.
你怎么看也撑不到那时候吧 You're sort of short- term.
-我不知道你在说什么 -好吧 - I don't know what you mean. Okay.
一个身穿黑色斗篷 手持巨大镰刀 There's a guy standing behind you
的那家伙正虎视眈眈盯着你呢 with a black robe and a sickle.
之后这些事情就会落在我们头上 And it falls off on us.
我们会陷在你的这些东西里脱不开身 We're going to get stuck taking care of all these things
还要还一大笔债 and dealing with a huge bill.
但我买这些东西都有积分的呀 Well, I'm getting points for all my purchases.
行啊 等我们从收容所里出来 Yeah, okay, well, when we get out of the poorhouse,
就去用你的积分 we'll use them.
我们会去看你的狗狗 We'll, uh, go down and visit the puppies,
在迈阿密纵情享乐 但永远不能在假期出游的狗 who are living it up in Miami but never on a holiday.
你又赢了 Oh, no, you beat me again.
再给你一张二十元 Here's another $20.
好了 Okay.
这八十够我三天的收入了 Uh, that's a 3- day take of$80.
优诺牌玩够了吧 I think we're done with Uno.
我的大部分现金都用来买这只长颈鹿了 Well, I blew through most of my cash on the giraffe,
但如果她有支付宝 我们还能继续 but if she has a Venmo account, we can keep right on going.
没关系的 It's okay.
贝弗利·罗斯和我也约好了 And Beverly Rose and I also have a date
去切斯特叔叔吃披萨 at Uncle Chester's for pizza.
我想让泰勒也一起来 I want Tyler to come.
那太好了 我也这么想 Oh, that's great. Me too.
我想去成人连锁店吃 And I want to go to Dave &Buster's.
泰勒负责买游戏 我负责大杀四方 Tyler could buy games, and I could win stuff.
不行 那样太贵了 No, that's too expensive,
这个周泰勒给你买的东西够多了 and Tyler has bought you enough stuff this week.
我不介意出钱 I don't mind paying.
我现在讨厌切斯特叔叔这家店 I hate Uncle Chester's now.
你自己去吧 我和泰勒去成人连锁店 You go there, and I'll go to Dave&Buster's with Tyler.
你不能用这样的态度说话 We do not talk to each other like this.
我们哪儿也不去了 I don't think we're going anywhere,
泰勒也得回家了 and Tyler is going home.
我非得回家吗 Do I have to?
是的你必须回 Yeah, you do.
我得处理这件事 I got to deal with this.
真不公平 Not fair.
通常情况下 把她关进房间禁足算是惩罚了 Normally, sending her to a room would be a punishment,
但现在她已经躲进房间 but now she's just going to go in there
准备趴在长颈鹿先生身上数钱了 and make it rain on Mr. Giraffe.
好吧 我打电话给你们是因为贝弗利已经失控了 Okay, so I called you guys because Bev is out of control,
我和达琳无法自己处理这件事 and Darlene and I can't handle this alone.
这跟我们有个毛线关系 How does this affect us?
我是说跟我有毛关系 因为别找我就好 And by us, I mean me, because that's all I care about.
听着 我们都不想处理这件事 Look, none of us wants to deal with this,
但她马上就要留给我们一屁股债了 but she's about to leave us a mountain of debt.
你们听没听说过这个词 And in case you haven't heard the expression,
债台高筑 debt runs.
是啊 所以我们必须收拾她的烂摊子 Yeah, so we have to undo everything she's done.
哈里斯 你去对付那个分时度假的家伙 Harris, you deal with the timeshare guy.
你可能得飞到迈阿密强行把钱拿回来 You might have to fly to Miami and throw him one,
我们说的可是大几千美元啊 but we're talking about thousands of dollars.
达琳 你一直是个扫把星 Darlene, you've always been the messenger of doom,
所以你去告诉孤儿们 他们又得自生自灭了 so you tell the orphans they're on their own again.
好吧 这个技能我有点生疏了 AlI right, I'm a little rusty,
但我很期待重新重操旧业 but looking forward to getting back on that horse.
好吧 还有 本 你去试试取消 Okay, and, Ben, why don't you work on canceling
贝弗利对那个叫金字塔（传销）的组织 Bev's auto- pay contribution to some organization
的自动转账捐赠 called The Pyramid?
就这样吗 这有什么难的 That's it? What's the catch?
我们不太确定金字塔是个什么组织 Well, we're not exactly sure what The Pyramid is,
但根据这四部纪录片的内容 but according to all four documentaries,
他们可能会威胁你 they're going to threaten you.
威胁我什么 Threaten me with what?
拿走我所剩无几的钱和自尊吗 Taking my money, my self- esteem.
还是拿走我善心二手店买的衬衫呢 my Goodwill IZOD shirt?
那些小狗也得赶紧处理 Somebody's got to do something about those puppies.
-不行 不行 -不行吗 No. No, no. - No?
-我才不要这么对待小狗呢 -丹 你喜欢动物嘛 - I'm not doing the puppies. - Dan, you love animals.
没错 但是贝弗利不喜欢我 Yeah, but Beverly doesn't love me.
我不要一个人去她家 I'm not going over to that apartment by myself
从她弱小无助的手里夺走小狗 and try and pry a puppy from her dry, bony clutches.
-达琳呢 -不行 Darlene? - Oh, no.
我跟她说白己跟赫尔曼隐士团巡演去了 I told her I was on tour with Herman's Hermits.
她会吓一跳的 It'll just freak her out.
天啊 好吧 Oh, God, fine.
我妈过世之后 我只能用最低还款额偿还欠费了 I'm gonna be making minimum payments on my mom's card
这得我一辈子才能还清啊 for the rest of my life after she dies.
等一下 Wait a second.
天啊 我刚想起来 Oh, my God, I just remembered.
妈妈去世后 我给信用卡公司打过电话 After Mom died, I called the credit card company,
后来他们把她信用卡上的欠款一笔勾销了 and they wiped the balance clean on her card.
他们说只是税收损失罢了 They said it's just a tax loss.
我的天 你在开玩笑吗 Holy crap, are you kidding me?
没有 这都是真的 No, I guess when it happened,
但当时事请太多 我一时给忘了 there was just so much going on, I blocked it out.
所以我没理解错的话 So, if I'm hearing what you're saying,
从理论上讲 theoretically.
一个人的信用卡上可以透支个几千块 a person could run up thousands on her card
而且她死了之后就不用还钱了 and not have to pay anything after she's gone.
我们顺着这个思路往下想 And if we expand on that theory...
某些人可以用贝弗利奶奶的信用卡 someone could use Grandma Bev's card, say,
给某些人的儿子买 to buy somebody's son a computer
上大学要用的电脑 that they need for college.
如果我们继续拓展这个思路 And if we really challenged this theory,
曾孙女可以去买一部新手机 a great- granddaughter could get a new phone
说不定 还能带无限流量 with, I don't know, unlimited data.
没错 Right.
我的膝盖疼死了 My knees are killing me.
我们先坐沙发上再嘀嘀咕咕不行吗 Is it okay if we talk softly but up on the couch?
进来吧 - Just come in.
但如果你是来打劫的 我先警告你 But if you're here to rob me, I warn you,
我养的可是恶犬 I have vicious dogs.
你们是恶犬吗 是吗 Are you vicious dogs? Are you?
没错 你们就是恶犬 Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
我下不了手 I can't do this.
你想让贝弗利死后被小狗们吃掉吗 Do you want the puppies to eat Bev when she dies?
你是对的 You're right.
小狗消化不下那么多邪恶 No puppy should have to ingest that much evil.
贝弗利 我来找你是有事的 Bev, I came here for a reason,
我先声明 尽管我们过去不大愉快 and I want to make it clear that, despite our history,
但我不是来找茬的 I'm not looking for a fight.
既然你提起了我们的过去 Well, since you're bringing up our history,
我想是时候消除误会了 I think it's time to clear the air.
这就开始了 Here we go.
丹 我一直对你很严厉 Dan, I've always been hard on you
因为我害怕你会是 because I thought you were the rock
拖累罗斯安的累赘 that was going to bring Roseanne down.
但是我错了 因为你确实是那个 But I was wrong, because you turned out
让大家不会随波逐流的船锚 to be the rock that kept everyone from blowing away.
你是个好人 You're a good man.
爸爸 我好害怕 I'm scared, Daddy.
贝弗利 Bev...
你知道自己在说什么吗 do you know what you're saying?
你好像在表达 你其实是喜欢我的 Because it would seem to indicate that you like me.
你这么说我们很麻烦的 We find that troubling.
丹 我美丽的女儿们和孙儿们 Dan, I owe you for all of the happiness
今生所拥有的幸福 that my daughter had in this life
都我亏欠你的 and for my beautiful grandchildren.
谢谢你 贝弗利 Thank you, Beverly.
我真的很感激你这么说 I really appreciate you saying that.
我已经尽力了 I did my best.
丹 麻烦你把狗狗零食递给我 Dan, will you hand me the dog treats?
我得奖励我的小狗们 他们都棒极了 I've got to reward my young men for being such good boys.
你知道吗 贝弗利 You know what, Bev?
你今天对我这么好 You've already been so nice to me today.
我真不想把这话说出口 And I hate to even ask you this,
但你是否会考虑 but would you even consider...
把你的小狗送给我这个好孩子 giving this good boy your puppies?
孩子们都自立了 The kids are all out of the house,
我需要陪伴 and I could use the company.
我还希望有人来要呢 I was hoping someone would ask.
我有只凤头鹦鹉刚到货了 I'm worried they won't get along
我还担心小狗们跟它合不来 with the cockatoo I still have coming.
贝弗利·罗斯已经睡了 Hey. Beverly Rose is in bed.
你有时间的话就过来 我们谈谈 When you get a chance, come on over, and we'll talk.
是你吗 Is that you?
我的天啊 Oh, my God.
我有点焦虑 所以就绕着街区走了 I was a little anxious, so I just walked around the block
几百圈了 a couple hundred times.
听着 我知道你生我的气 Look, I know you're upset with me,
但我知道如果她不喜欢我 我会失去你的 but I know that if she doesn't like me, I'll lose you.
我以前经历过这事儿 I've seen it before.
我还见识过不少熊孩子呢 And I've seen kids be entitled little snots.
所以我拿了她80块钱 So I took her $80,
我告诉她这些钱是用来上大学的 and I told her it was going towards a college education.
其实是我上大学的钱 It's my college education,
但她还是会从中受益的 but she will still benefit from it.
好吧 我懂了 Okay. I get it.
我太过分了 I went overboard.
我只是非常希望我们相处融洽 I'm just desperate to make this work.
是啊 我也想大家能融洽 Yeah. I want to make it work, too.
但你是在用一连串的失望 But you're setting Beverly Rose up
害了贝弗利·罗斯 for constant disappointment.
而且这还不算在我们将来故意强加给她的 And it's not one of the many disappointments
众多令人失望的事情之一 we've been preparing her for.
好吧 那么 Okay, so
如果她不喜欢我 我们俩该怎么办 if she doesn't like me, what happens with us?
康纳家的人为了有个过体面生活的女婿 A Conner will throw a child out of the house
会不惜把孩子踢出家门的 for a man who makes a decent living.
但我喜欢这个孩子 But I kind of like this kid,
我觉得即使没有钱和礼物 and I think, even without the money and the gifts,
她会像我一样喜欢你的 she's going to like you as much as I do.
好吧 为了我自己 我也得让她喜欢我 Okay, so I got to get her to like me for me.
但就连我妈也逼我花钱给她买烟 But even my mom makes me buy her cigarettes
还有乐透彩票 and lotto tickets.
哇哦 一个有钱的伤心男人 Wow, a damaged man with money- -
你这样的老娘娶定了 marriage is definitely on the table.
记住 我们能买这些东西要感谢贝弗利 Remember, we have Bev to thank for these presents.
真的就像过圣诞节 Really is like Christmas morning,
前提是我们的爹妈真的爱我们 而且买对了礼物 if our parents made better choices and really loved us.
不好意思 去骗信用卡公司 Uh, excuse me, it was my idea
这是我的主意 to cheat the credit card people.
对我表达一点感激如何 How about a little appreciation?
好吧 你不能把功劳都揽在自己身上 Well, you can't take all the credit.
是我实际操作的欺诈 It was me who actually committed the fraud.
嘿 本 看看马克的新电脑 Hey, Ben, Ben, did you see Mark's new computer?
啊哈 是的 很漂亮 Uh- huh. Yeah, it's pretty.
本 取消贝弗利每月 Ben, how'd it go with canceling
对金字塔组织的捐赠 这件事进行的如何了 Bev's monthly subscription to The Pyramid?
你懂的 You know...
他们的一些想法还是不错的 they actually have some good ideas.
我确实觉得如果要在世界上有所成就 I do feel like my mind gets in the way
我的固有思想在妨碍我 of what I want to accomplish on this planet.
好吧 你别太感情用事了 Yeah, well, don't get attached.
一旦他们发现你是个穷逼 As soon as they find out you're poor,
他们扭头就会把你甩了的 they won't even let you scrub the boat.
嘿 哈里斯 你不如来看看 Hey, Harris, did you get a chance to check out
我们新的平板点餐软件系统 our new order- tablet software system?
我已经为餐厅开了一个账户 并且签字加入了 I already made an account for the restaurant and signed in.
看看这个 Look at this. - Oh.
欢迎来到午惨店 "Welcome to The Munch Box.
小土豆 请打好你的订单 Please punch in your order, Jockey. "
该死 搞这破事我花了6个小时 Oh, darn. See, that took me, like, six hours to do that.
好消息 Good news- -
贝弗利让我养小狗了 I got Bev's nurse to take the puppies.
我在走廊里看到一只凤头鹦鹉 I passed a cockatoo in the hallway.
好大一只鸟 Big bird.
所以丹 So, Dan
丹 家里的所有人 Dan, everybody else in the family
都用贝弗利的信用卡买些东西 got something from Bev's credit card,
我觉得你也应该买点东西 and I think you deserve something, too.
你可以选的是 Your options are
一台不工作时就像一副巴黎街道油画的电视机 a TV that looks like a painting of a Paris street when it's off
或者还两个月的房贷 or two months of mortgage payments.
好吧 虽然我很想给孩子们留下些什么 Well, I- I do care about what I leave for my children.
但我想要那台带油画的电视机 But I want that TV painting.
亲爱的 Hey, hon.
我们要买油画电视了 Hey, we're going to order the TV painting.
哦 是吗 Oh, they did, huh?
哦 好吧 好 Oh, okay, yeah.
我回头再打给你 Um, let me call you back.
-没啥事吧 -内维尔打来的 Everything okay? - That was Neville.
他说信用卡公司给家里打过电话 He said the credit card company tried calling the house.
我当时不在 所以他们给我妈家打了电话 I wasn't there, so they called my mom's
他们想确认这些新的账单 to confirm all the new charges,
但她否认买过任何东西 and she denied making any of them.
好吧 她确实没买啊 Well, she didn't.
我谢你八辈祖宗 Thank you!
所以 So.
他们要调查欺诈事实 they're going to investigate the charges for fraud.
所以 And
你才是应该背锅的人 You're the one responsible for this.
没门儿 东西是你买的 所以你背锅 No way. You bought the gifts, so it was you.
-你怎么好意思说 -你是主谋啊 You even said so. - Well, you're the mastermind.
一分钟前你还想抢功劳呢 You tried taking credit for it just a minute ago.
可计划赶不上变化啊 小土豆 Well, a lot's changed since then, Jockey.
看孩子们送给贝弗利·罗斯的情人节贺卡 You can tell a lot about how these kids will turn out
你可以推断他们长大会变成什么样子 by the valentines they give Beverly Rose.
玫瑰是红的 紫罗兰是蓝的 ”Roses are red, violets are blue,
但只取决于土壤的成分 but it depends on the composition of the soil. "
让贝弗利·罗斯赶紧收了他吧 Tell Beverly Rose to kiss this boy.
这小子以后会在微软工作的 He's going to end up at Microsoft.
没错 Yeah.
我会把自己的心给你 "I will give you my heart...
哪怕我妈妈说没心我就会死 even though my mom said I'll die without it. "
看 考尔德画了一幅画 Oh, and, look, Calder drew a picture of himself
描绘他把自己那颗小心脏挖了出来 ripping his tiny little heart out of his chest.
真羡慕 有男人为我这么做就好了 Lucky- - I would have killed for a connection like that.