我不敢相信我居然来看医生 I can't believe. I'm talking to a therapist.
额 平常我不是一个很感性的人 Well, usually, I'm not the touchy-feely,
谈论情感之类的东西 talk-about-your-emotions type,
但这次我必须勇敢的迈出这一步 but with this, I just had to be a big enough person
承认我确实需要帮助了 to admit that I need help.
哦 我觉得这种感觉还不错 Huh. I guess this is what growing up feels like.
这是法院强制心理咨询 This is court-mandated therapy.
你袭击了一个女人 You assaulted a woman.
哦 Oh...
那件囧事啊 That silly thing.
我想我们可以谈谈这事 I guess we can talk about that.
几个月前 It all began a few months ago.
我跟一个叫巴尼的人有过一段感情 There's this guy, Barney.We used to date.
我给他介绍了我的一个同事 诺拉 I set him up with this girl. I work with, Nora.
巴尼很用心 Barney was working hard
想要证明他可以做一个很好的男朋友 to prove he was real boyfriend material.
然后整个星期我都坐在那 看他的表现 So, all week, I had to sit there. watching him...
送花 send flowers...
巧克力 chocolates...
气球 balloons.
然后某一天 Then one day...
嘿 Hey...
我听说巴尼今天什么都没有送来 I heard Barney didn't send anything today.
帕特里斯说他可能跟别人好了 Patrice said maybe he met somebody else.
她是个八婆 是吧 She's such a bitch, right?
当一个男人爱上一个女人 ? When a man loves a woman ?
完全陶醉在这感情中 ? Can't keep his mind on nothin' else ?
他太迷人了 He's so dreamy.
没人问你帕特里斯 Nobody asked you, Patrice!
不好意思，你肯定在想 I'm sorry. You must already think
我是一个很坏的人 that I'm a horrible person.
罗宾 我很多的患者都是重罪犯 Robin, many of my patients are disturbed felons.
上周又一个寄给我一包他的排泄物 Last week, one of them mailed me a bag of his feces.
不过话说回来 他记得我的生日 On the plus side, he remembered my birthday.
你做的很好 You're doing fine.
最后 我终于受不了 Well, finally, I-I just couldn't take it anymore.
我抓狂了 I snapped.
当一个男人 当这个男人 ? When a man, when a man, when this man ?
爱上一个女人 ? Loves a woman! ?
哇奥 LADIES Aw...!
那时你袭击她了吗 And that's when the assault occurred?
不是 Not exactly.
翻译：andie 47.4 加菲猪 MR GAO
老爸老妈浪漫史 第七季第四集 斯丁森危机
【姑且算是】字幕组倾情奉献
这么说你喝醉了 So, you're drunk
躲在桌子下面 大吃偷来的巧克力 under a desk, binge-eating stolen chocolates.
我不是讲的很明白 是吧 Boy, I am not coming across great here, am I?
你讲的好不好不是重点 This is not about how you're coming across.
不过确实不好 But no.
好吧 把这件事情串起来 Okay, well, for this story to make sense,
我必须跟你讲讲我的朋友马修和莉莉 I have to tell you about my friends Marshall and Lily.
这酒不错 The wine looks good.
嘿 嘿 Hey, hey, hey, hey,
孕妇是不能喝酒的 pregnant women can't drink alcohol.
不 我医生说可以 No, my doctor says it's okay
不时的喝那么一点 to have a sip of wine every now and then.
是吗 Really?
桑亚医生太好了 Dr. Sonya's great.
每次你问他是不是可以吃东西 她就这样 Whenever you ask her if you can have something, she's, like...
可以吃一点点 Just a little bit.
等等 桑亚医生不让你吃寿司的 是吧 Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let you have sushi, does she?
可以吃一点点 Just a little bit.
她准许你吃奇多 （膨化食品） You're allowed to have Cheetos?
奇多 Cheetos...
啊 可以吃一点点吧 Ah, just a little bit.
你介意我为防万一 You mind if I double-check
在检查一下这个么 some of this stuff just in case?
作为咱们仨的团队靠山 I mean, it's the least I could do
我应该这么做 as part of Team Baby.
团队靠山 还有什么 "Team Baby"? Whoa. What's next,
专门特制的T恤衫 like, cheesy matching T-shirts?
没有 No.
罗宾 你这故事比 Robin, I've had serial killers lead me
杀人犯讲他们杀人分尸的事还拖沓 to shallow graves faster than you're telling this story.
好吧 让我跟诺拉一起工作是不可能的了 Okay! Look, it was getting impossible for me
当有一个可以 to be around Nora,so when an opportunity
除掉诺拉的机会出现了 to get rid of her presented itself...
桑迪时间 It's Sandy time!
Huddle up, gang. 围过来
两件事 第一 有人从我的办公室偷了 Two things: 1) Somebody stole
一瓶非常名贵的酒 a very expensive bottle of wine from my office...
第二我需要一个制作人去法国的G8峰会 2) I need a producer to cover the G8 Summit in France.
诺拉可以 Nora will do it!
虽然我是前辈 不过 I mean, I know I have seniority, but...
我还是问问诺拉的意思 I was gonna ask Nora anyway.
谢谢你的支持 这对我太重要了。 Thanks for the support, Robin.This is huge for me.
你确定吗 桑迪 Are, are you sure about this, Sandy?
我确实是个前辈 I do have seniority.
我确定 诺拉很不错 Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.
我想跟她上床 I want to have sex with her.
处理巴尼抛弃你这事 To deal with that rejection from Barney,
不让你老板发觉 not to mention your boss...
一定让你非常难受 must've really hurt.
我们为什么不研究一下这段情绪呢 Why don't we dig into those emotions?
然后马修和莉莉去了索亚医生的办公室 So Marshall and Lily were at Dr. Sonya's office...
这玩意儿挺迷人的 It's fascinating
我对阴道的了解真是少的可怜 how profoundly little I know about vaginas.
-索亚医生 -请进 -DR. SONYA -Come in.
泰德 你在这儿干嘛 Ted, what are you doing here?!
我去检查了这种纸上所有这位神医 I checked up on all the stuff
说了可以做的事儿 事实证明她错了 this "doctor" says is okay,and she's wrong.
所以 为了这孩子的健康 我出现在这儿了 So, for the health of this baby,I'm stepping in.
听上去感觉你们家这位泰德该去检查检查了 Sounds like this Ted guy could benefit from some therapy.
哦 是的 妥妥的 Oh, he definitely could.
这是绝对不能接受的 This is unacceptable.
对不起 我们得换个医生了 I'm sorry, we're gonna have to find a new doctor.
同志们 为了我们的孩子的健康 Guys, for the health of our baby,
-"我们的" -我们应该认真地对待 Our?we have to get serious
所有莉莉摄入腹中的东西 about what Lily is putting in her body.
说到这儿 到时候咱分娩 Speaking of which,when we deliver,
绝对不会用麻药的 we won't be using any drugs.
一边儿凉快去 （传说中莉莉能毁灭一切的眼神） Get out!
干嘛嫌弃我 Why are you kicking me out?!
因为你丫老是打断我们最甜蜜的时光 Because you're always intruding on our intimate moments!
这就像是大学时光重现一样 This is like college all over again!
我勒个去 你们俩把这地方弄得也太乱了 Man, you guys sure are messy!
到处都有衣服 There's clothes everywhere.
你们居然还把袜子挂在门上 There's even a sock on the door!
门上的那只袜子是大学里默认的 A sock on the door is a universal code
"我需要一个人的空间的"的暗号 好么 for "We need some space."
我们当时需要私人空间 现在也是 We needed it back then,and we need it now.
不是吧，我们可是三个火枪手 Come on! We're a trio!
我们总是三个人同进同退啊 We've always been a trio!
我们就好像是蝙蝠侠和罗宾以及那位阿尔弗雷德（老管家） We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred.
去屎 Out!
那我们是罗密欧 朱丽叶和那个药剂师啊 （就是给朱丽叶假死药的那个药剂师） Romeo and Juliet and the Apothecary.
去屎 Now!
我们是盐 辣椒 还有孜然啊 Salt and Pepper and Cumin!
那边那个小家伙是在干嘛 What's that little guy up there do?
哦，你这个倒霉孩子 Oh, you poor girl.
罗宾 Robin!
这些都联系在一起的 我发誓 It all ties together, I swear.
紧接着 诺拉要去法国了 So, Nora was about to leave for France.
你知道么 不久前 You know, not too long ago,
我还担心 I would have been worried
如果留你一个人的话 that if I left you alone,
估计你得被那些金发的“波波”们吸引 you'd be up to no good with some blond bimbo.
哦 我已经变了 Oh, I've changed.
我知道 所以我相信 I know, which is why when I get back,
当我回来的时候 我们俩的恋情可以进入一个新的篇章。 it's gonna be the start of a new chapter for us.
一个只关于你我 而没那条领带的新篇章 A chapter of me and you and hopefully not that tie.
说得对 You got me!
一路顺风 Have a nice trip!
是史丁森医生吗 我看到了你的广告 Dr. Stinson?I saw your ad,
所以我来这儿找你做免费的胸部缩小咨询 and I'm here for my free breast-reduction consultation.
你意下如何 What do you think?
她们是不是太大了 Are they too big?
我不敢相信你居然还在勾搭这些有胸没脑的金发女郎 I can't believe you're still running plays on dumb blondes!
我还以为你对诺拉是认真的呢 I thought you were serious about Nora!
是认真的 我做到过了 我发誓 No, I've been good, I swear!
我只是忘了我的BDS I just forgot about my BDSes.
-什么是BDS -放荡女的交付系统 - BDSes? - Bimbo Delivery Systems.
你看 这么多年来 我一直致力于 You see, over the years,I've launched a variety
研发一个缜密的系统让我总是能泡到妞 of elaborate systems that are always working to get me laid.
比如我最有卖点的广告 Like my pop-up ads.
大家好 我是巴尼·史丁森医生 Oh, hi.I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.
你是不是因为过大的胸部 Are your really large breasts
而在生活中遭遇各种烦心事儿呢 making everyday tasks difficult?
哦 Oh!
总得有办法解决这个吧 There's just got to be a better way!
我就是 There is!
我 巴尼史丁森医生 I, Dr. Barney Stinson, for a limited time only,
会在有限的时间里 为你们提供免费胸部缩小的咨询 can give you a free breast-reduction consultation.
打给我 Call me.
如果你的"事业线"太深了 If your knockers are just too damn big,
我可以帮你解决他们..它 I can handle them... it.
真有女人上钩吗 Women actually fell for that?
是的 这生意绝对有噱头 Yeah.That business really took off.
我把它推向了各类市场 It played in all kinds of markets.
好了 冒险家们 今天的有奖冒险 Okay, survivors,today's reward challenge
是由巴尼·史丁森医生给你们带来的 is brought to you by Dr. Barney Stinson's
免费胸部缩小咨询 Free Breast Reduction Consultations.
这个陷阱真是特么的犀利 That scam was so successful,
而且这还催生了另外一项事业 it spawned a related enterprise.
如果你们被一个长相英俊 If you've been fooled by a well-endowed man
还宣称自己是医生 who claimed to be a doctor
提供免费胸部缩小咨询的人骗了 offering free breast-reduction consultations,、
来找我吧 阿尼·尼丁森 诉讼律师 come see me, Arnie Linson,attorney-at-law,
加入我的集体诉讼 and join my class-action suit.
如果你那高耸的胸部被委屈了 If your giant breasts have been wronged,
我可以解决他们..它 I can handle them... it.
金发大波们逃不出我的手掌心 I got 'em comin' and goin'!
擦嘞 Uh-huh.
我真是难以想象 I can't believe you go
你就为了爽一下 弄这么麻烦的东西 to so much trouble to get laid.
是哎 我有的时候爽之前都懒得去洗澡 Yeah, sometimes I don't even have to shower.
老娘就喜欢那味道 Mama loves it musky.
我得赶在诺拉回来之前把这些东西统统关掉 I gotta shut down all these systems before Nora gets back.
我怎么才能在三天内关掉这么多东西呢 How am I gonna do all that in three days?
我来帮你 I'll help you.
或许你应该在你那个小图板上写上 Maybe you should write on your little chart there:
患者无私地义无反顾地帮助处于水生火热中的朋友 "Patient selflessly tried to help a friend in need."
首先 这是一份字谜 First of all, this is a crossword puzzle.
其次 很显然 你是准备 Secondly, you were clearly planning on using
用那三天去把巴尼偷回来 those three days to steal Barney back.
我是他的朋友 你怎么这么说 I am his friend! How dare you!
切 你别以为你去了哈佛 God, you think you're so smart just because
还去了普林斯顿 然后 you went to Harvard and then Princeton
厉害哦 又去了哈佛 and then... wow,Harvard again.
好 就算像你说的那样 Okay, yes, fine.
我 我是想去把他抢回来 I was... I was trying to steal him back.
很好 你终于开口了 This is good.You're finally opening up
谈谈你自己 and talking about yourself,
别总是马修和莉莉如何如何 not just what Marshall and Lily were up to.
哦 对哦 马修和莉莉那会儿正在叠衣服 Oh, yeah, so Marshall and Lily were folding laundry...
我的个错啊 That one's my fault.
你知道么 You know...
算了 Never mind.
就是.. It's just...
算了 Forget it.
马修 你这个婆婆妈妈的东西 Marshall, you're a grown-ass man.
如果你想说什么 就说吧 If you want to say something, just say it.
我感觉我们对泰德做的太过了 如果我妈妈在这儿的话 I feel bad for Ted!And if my mom were here,
她会问我肿么了的 she would ask me what was wrong.
你觉得我们对不起泰德吗 You feel bad for Ted?!
做多出来的那一个人有的时候真的很难受的 It's tough feeling like the third wheel.
好吧 首先 我确定泰德没事的 Okay, first of all,I'm sure Ted's fine.
谁会在吃东西的时候 加了盐和胡椒而不加孜然呢 Who eats salt and pepper without cumin?
再者 泰德和索亚医生水平差远了 Second, Ted is way off base coming after Dr. Sonya.
我们爱她 对吧 We love her! Right?
别告诉我你质疑索亚医生 Don't tell me you're doubting Dr. Sonya!
可以有一点点 Just a little bit.
这是虾米？ What's that thing?
对有的女人来说 这是我双亲的骨灰 Well, for some women, it was the ashes of my parents.
对另外一些人来说 这是我的温布尔登大师赛的奖杯 For others, it was the trophy from Wimbledon.
信不信由你 有一个相信这既是我双亲的骨灰 又是奖杯。 And believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both.
大赛再加上网球 绝配 Game, enormous set, match.
哈罗 Hello?
哦 谢谢你回我电话 Oh, yeah, thanks for calling me back.
恩 巴尼 Uh, Barney,
是港务局的米奇 It's Mitch from the Port Authority.
港务局的米奇是么 Port Authority Mitch.You'd always call me whenever
当一个大眼睛的农家女孩儿怀抱着百老汇美梦 a wide-eyed farm girl would get off the bus
试演期间的ooxx的时候 what a "casting director" could legally ask her to do,
随时可以打给我 hold or lick during an audition.
抱歉老朋友 I'm sorry, old friend,
我不再需要你的服务了 your services are no longer needed.
天哪 真不敢相信我在电话里说这个 Oh, God, I can't believe I'm doing this over the phone!
我爱玛吉和孩子们 My love to Marge and the kids!
我懂 I know. Here.
-这一切竟然这么难 -我懂 I didn't realize this would be so hard!I know, I know.
没事的 清单上的事基本快做完了 But hey, you know what? We're almost through our checklist.
-真的吗 -真的 - Okay? Okay?- Okay.
这让我想起来 Which reminds me,
在某家发廊有人使出 why am I calling a hair salon and saying,
完美直哥勾引计 "Jack Fantastic is quitting"?
亲爱的 Sweetheart,
就像玛雅安吉洛常常对奥普拉所说 it's like Maya Angelou keeps telling Oprah,
我要跟你说 and I keep telling you:
知道才能做到 When you know better,you do better.
喔 你好睿智啊 Wow, you are so wise.
真希望你是直男我就可以约你了 I wish you were straight so I could date you.
恩 Well...
事实上 我有一个魅力无穷的 as a matter of fact, I have an extremely attractive
完美直哥 straight twin brother!
哦 嗨 Oh, hi.
我修剪了一下万圣节的照片 I cropped that Halloween photo.
现在只有盐和胡椒了 看着就冒傻气 It's just salt and pepper, now, so it looks ridiculous.
泰德 你回来当团队靠山么 Ted, I want you back on Team Baby.What?
我就知道你们后悔的 I knew you'd come around!
伙计们 我没真的给剪了 Guys! I didn't really crop the photo!
而且 Plus...
好消息 Good news.
我报名参加了孕妇培训班 I signed us up for a birthing class.
哦 疯了 Well, that's insane.
那也有点太早了吧 对吧马修 It's way too early for that, right, Marshall?
听我说 我是孩他爸 Okay, listen. I am the father of this child,
我投票同意参加孕妇培训班 and I vote that we go to the birthing class.
才不要 Absolutely not.
好吧 莉莉 'Kay, Lily.
我不想出这招 I hate to play this card...
但是如果你不来的话 but if you don't come to this class...
我就禁欲 I'm withholding sex.
没想到她真不来 I don't think she's coming.
嗯 Yeah.
她上另一两出租车的时候我就有点怀疑了 I was a little suspicious when she had us take separate cabs.
莉莉 别这样 Lily, don't do it!
吃一点 Just a little bit.
想想孩子 Think about our baby!
你开玩笑吗罗宾 说袭击那段 You got to be kidding me, Robin. Get to the assault.
好吧 说啦 Okay, fine.
我和巴尼快要打完包裹 So Barney and I were finishing packing his apartment...
清单上最后一件事 Okay. One last item on the checklist.
陌生电话勾搭法5000号 Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.
那到底是啥 What the hell's that?
我能入侵公司的顾客数据库 I was able to secure the customer database from a company
然后兜售闪粉啊还有高端乳饰等等舞女套装 that sells body glitter and high-end pasties.
陌生电话勾搭法5000号给 The Cold Call 5000 will dial every female client
每一个22或23岁的妙龄女郎打电话 between the ages of 22 and 23,
留下一下信息 and leave the following message:
嗨 听起来可能有点疯狂 Hi, I know this is crazy,
可我在地铁里看到了你 这是天意 but I saw you on the subway, and I knew we were meant to be.
如果你相信缘分的话 If you believe in destiny, come to MacLaren's tonight
今晚到马克拉伦酒吧找我 and find me, Barney Stinson.
因为我感觉到 我们应该合为一体 Because I have this feeling that I'm supposed to be on you--
一对 with you.
干嘛不重新录 Why not re-record it?
我试了上百遍 总说错 I did like a hundred takes. It kept happening.
真不敢相信莉莉真不来了 I can't believe Lily's not coming!
跟你熟 不管她了 You know what? Screw it!
谁说兄弟俩就搞不定孕妇培训班 Who says that two bros can't rock a birthing class?
搞定 Rock it!
今天我们要体验"灵欲按摩" Today, we'll be exploring "The Sensual Massage."
首先 缓缓的和搭档 双手互握 Let's start by gently cupping our partner's hands...
彼此呼吸交融 and just breathe each other in.
谢谢 罗宾 Thanks, Robin.
你是唯一一个能帮我做到这些的人 You're the only person I know who would help me do all that.
真是好哥们 You're a real bro.
是吧但 Am I, though?
因为我更女人些 'Cause I'm really more of a woman.
敬我的温柔体贴 To my femininity.
你更哥们一些 Nah, you're more of a bro.
你是兄弟 是男人 You're a dude.You're a man.
嘿 你无数次单飞泡妞 Hey, you are flying solo one more night.
我打扮得热辣无比 How about I put on a smokin' hot dress,
你带着跟犯罪现场似的领带 you slap a vest over that crime scene of a tie
何不彻夜狂欢呢 and we paint the town?
我是说 我们上一次喧闹大醉 I mean, when was the last time we got rip-roaring drunk
打扮性感十足是什么时候了 in clothing that highlights our genders?
这么说你的计划是穿得诱人 So, your plan was to be out on the town,
然后和别人的男人喝的大醉寻欢作乐 dressed provocatively, drinking with another woman's man.
罗宾 这是我们第一次会面 Robin, this is our first session, and
我这只是临床建议 但是 I know this is just one clinical opinion, but...
你就是条狗 you a dawg!
是啊 Yeah...
只有一个问题 There was just one problem...
惊喜吧 Surprise!
我提前回来了 I got back early!
嘿 Hey!
我猜猜 Let me guess,
你又喝到桌子底下去了 you got drunk under your desk again?
没 哈佛高材生 我处理的方式稍有不同 No, Mr. Harvard. I handled things a little differently...
现在你是想让我说说看到 So, I suppose now you want me to talk about how it felt
巴尼诺拉亲热离去时的感觉 是吧 watching Barney and Nora walk off together, right?
我们还是先来谈谈人身攻击的事吧 I'd rather just skip ahead to the assault.
我的下一个病人认为他是上帝 My next patient thinks he's God.
所以最好不要让他等太久 On the off chance that he's right, I really don't want to keep him waiting.
万一他是对的呢 I really don't want to keep him waiting.
呃，他们刚走，就发生了一件疯狂的事情 Well, right after they left, something crazy happened.
打搅一下 你知道巴尼斯丁森在哪里吗？ Excuse me, do you know where I can find Barney Stinson?
他在地铁上遇到我 给我留信息让我到这里见他 He saw me on the subway and left me a message to meet him here.
为什么不再录一次呢？ Why not re-record it?
我试了上百遍 总说错 I did like a hundred takes. It kept happening.
嗨 听起来可能有点疯狂 BARNEY: Hi, I know this is crazy,
可我在地铁里看到了你 这是天意 but I saw you on the subway...
他问我相不相信天意 我相信 He asked me if I believed in destiny. And I do.
我们是天造地设的一对 We are so meant to be.
我该上哪里去找他 Where can I find him?
我就这样陷入了两难的境地 So I was faced with a moral dilemma.
把真相说出来 Unleash this nut bag on them
还是顾全大局 帮助我的朋友 or be a bigger person, and help my friend.
巴尼在75大街和阿姆斯特丹大街路口的爱慕咖啡屋 Barney's at Café L'Amour, 75th and Amsterdam.
-太好了 -不 你等等 - Awesome! - No, wait, wait, wait!
好吧 这样不行 Okay, this isn't right.
把第一个扣子解开 让你的宝贝们见见天日 Let's pop that top button, show off your gals.
哇哦 祝你好运 找他们去吧 Ooh! Good luck, go get 'em!
让你的爱在指间流转 Let your love come through your fingers.
兄弟 说好了不许呻吟 Dude, the rule is no moaning
而且保持睁眼状态 and keep your eyes open at all times.
别再发情了 Stop being weird.
还有 我什么时候才能和你换 And hey, when do I get to be the woman?
记着 怀孕的时候最重要的事 Now remember, the most important thing in pregnancy
是保证妈妈平静快乐 is to keep Mom calm and happy.
她最清楚她需要什么 She knows best what she needs.
相信她 Trust her.
现在爸爸们 Now, Papas,
请你们抓住妈妈们的手 I want you to take Mom's hands in yours,
凝望她们的双眼 look deep into her eyes,
然后跟着我说 and repeat after me.
我对你有信心 I believe in you.
我信任你的娇躯 I honor your body's wisdom.
你的子宫是座神庙 Your womb is a temple.
-你的子宫是 -够了 我懂了 - Your womb is a--- Okay, I get it!
无视莉莉的意愿让我感觉很糟 I feel terrible we didn't listen to what Lily wanted!
我知道 我也一样 I know, so do I.
事实是 我觉得我现在应该已经结婚了 The truth is, I thought I'd be married by now
和你们一起经历这些事 and going through all this stuff alongside you guys.
事实上，我以为我现在都结婚了 The truth is, I thought I'd be married by now
这样就能和你们一起参与这些事儿 and going through all this stuff alongside you guys.
可即便我现在就能遇见我的梦中女人 But even if I meet the girl of my dreams right this second,
我距离建立起我自己的家庭还要等 I'm still one night and nine months away
一个晚上外加九个月 from having a family of my own.
并且前提是我孩子的老妈 And that's assuming the mother of my children
是个超级大荡妇 is just a huge slut.
别丧失希望 泰德 Don't lose hope, Ted.
那荡妇已经离你不远了 That slut is out there.
谢谢 哥们 Thanks, buddy.
我们欠莉莉一个抱歉 We owe Lily an apology.
是啊 Yeah.
准爸爸们 现在是我回答你们每一个 Dads, this is the time that I'll answer every question
关于阴道的问题 you've ever had about vaginas.
奶奶个熊的 Damn it!
嗨 Hey.
我真的很抱歉，莉莉 I'm so sorry, Lily.
你只能吃一点儿 You have just a little bit.
我意识到现在我的任务就是 I realize now that it's my job for the next seven months
让你在未来的七个月里天天开心 那就是为什么 to keep you happy,and that's why...
我不再停止XXOO了 I'm no longer withholding sex.
我的英雄 My hero.
但我必须确定 But I want to make sure that you feel comfortable
你也能对宋雅医生感觉舒服点 with Dr. Sonya, too.
I do. And you know what, 我可以 你知道吗
她总是那么沉着那么冷静 the fact that she's so calm and laid back,
也许那不是个坏事儿 maybe that's not a bad thing.
也许那就是 Maybe that's exactly what we're gonna want
我们在产房里想要的感觉 in that delivery room.
莉莉 你要是不使劲儿 我就得把你的孩子从你喉咙里捅出来 Lily, if you don't push, I will shove this baby up your throat
使劲儿从你嘴里拽出来 and pull it out of your mouth!
马修你个挨千刀的在哪儿 Where the hell is Marshall?!
孩子 那是个疯狂的故事 That's a crazy story ,kids
我会讲到的 I'll get to that.
嘿，泰德在门厅里等着呢 Hey, Ted's out in the hall.
他也想道歉呢 He wants to apologize, too.
嘿 hey.
你的袜子怎么了 What happened to your sock?
一言难尽 不过呢 我意识到有时候 Long story. Bottom line, I realized that sometimes
爱情就是退一步海阔天空 love means taking a step back.
不尽然吧 Well, not always.
我是说 有时候干涉 I mean, sometimes it's better to interfere
和破坏更好一些 对吧 and sabotage stuff, right?
我想如果你关心一个人 Well, I think if you care about somebody,
你应该希望他快乐 you should want them to be happy,
即使你被遗忘了 even if you wind up being left out.
哇哦 Wow.
你从莉莉和马修的事情中学到的东西 The lesson you learned with Lily and Marshall
可以直接适用在我的事情上 is directly applicable to my situation,
因此这就是 and is therefore
我最终要讲的故事 必不可少的一部分 a valid part of how I'll eventually tell this story.
真的 Really?
事情就那么急转直下了 That's how that went down?
问题是 它们都紧紧相连，对吧 Point is, it all tied together, right?
几乎不是 Not really at all.
我们能讲讲袭击的事儿吗 Can we just get to the assault?
敬我俩 To us!
巴尼 是我 Barney, it's me!
我爱你 巴尼 I love you, Barney!
我爱你 干贝不错 Mmm, scallops look good.
是的 Oh, they are.
可上一次我来的时候他们没得卖 所以 But the last time I was here they ran out, so, uh...
撞在木头上了 knock... on... wood.
我想点红色丝绒蛋糕当甜点 Well, I have my eye on the red velvet cake for dessert.
真不错，给我分点 Lovely. Splitsies?
不行，我要吃独食 Nah, I want it all to myself.
真的 Really?
咱掰手腕决胜负 Arm wrestle for it?
不行 No!
嗯 All right.
我喜欢这地方 I love this place.
- 谢谢你宝贝 -不客气 -Thank you, babe. - You're welcome.
宝贝儿 Babe.
巴尼对此一无所知 Barney doesn't know a thing about any of this.
但这就是我接到法院强制心理咨询的原因 But that's why I got court-mandated therapy.
你肯定认为我疯了 You must think I'm nuts.
我觉得你真的是个好朋友 I think you're a really good friend.
真的 Really?
真的 Really.
就目前看来，你在这次袭击中 As far as I'm concerned,there was no criminal intent
没有犯罪意图 to this assault.
嗯 谢谢 医生 Well, thanks, Doc!
好么 Well, look at us!
我们把问题一次解决了 We got this wrapped up in one session.
我们加油 是吧 Go us, right?
现在我们讨论下你怎么把法官的车弄开的 Now let's discuss how you keyed the judge's car.
好吧 嗯 Okay. Um...
下面就是如何发生的 Here's how it happened:
马修和莉莉本准备去动物园 Marshall and Lily were supposed to go to the zoo--
我发誓这些事情都有联系 我发誓 现在 okay, it all ties together, I swear. Now...