輪到你了
唉，操
好啦，我醒了...
早上好
你們今天起得真早啊
有做噩夢或有的沒的嗎？
我來看看你為老爸做了什麼
讓我來看看
我褲子裡有這東西也睡不著覺
但在大學這確實發生過一次
你能放下那個瓶子嗎，親愛的？
你能放下它嗎？
寶貝...莎拉...
別，不！寶貝！
靠
我知道了，我一秒之內就讓你回到你溫暖的小床裡
到啦，回到床上，寶貝
你有全新乾淨的diapy了(尿布牌子)
彼得...
彼得，求你！
寶貝，我們不是聊過"頭"的事了
我來給你們換尿布
別動，別掉下來
哦，別
彼得...哦
好的，這算是給老爸的小獎勵
斯提爾·庫巴赫·麥克勞德律師事務所 早上好
早，洛克伍德
早，斯提爾先生
多謝
孩子們怎麼樣？
哦，他們很優，非常棒
有了孩子比較有意思吧
是阿，一直都是
有合併的事要匯報的嗎？
都可以了只差簽約
正好是評估選你做合夥人的時候了
真的嗎？哦，我都沒注意呢
我期待著你滑稽的幽默感
公司裡需要這樣的合作夥伴，洛克伍德
現在公司實在太枯燥無味了
非常感謝 嗯...
那是雙溫莎結嗎？（英式領帶打法）
拜託，孩子，這裡可不是賽狗場
不，是的
嗯
絕對不是，謝謝
嗨
別開玩笑，戴夫，這裡可不是賽狗場
是啊，早上好，塞布麗娜
上周他還說我的義大利鞋挺危險的 （容易看出來是仿冒的）
什麼？
輪到我整理合併文件了嗎？
嗯，為了可以反映新的每月預測我調整了加權平均資本成本
而且我已經提前協商了23到29號條款
好的
我還是較喜歡你之前的領帶款式，順便提一下
好，謝謝
早上好，帕特麗夏
陰莖，狗屎，陰洞，雞雞，色狼，咪咪
米奇，我在工作呢
我嚇到你了？ 是的，肯定有
你用擴音的嗎？是阿
你的秘書聽見了？
是的，秘書聽見了，她全聽見了
太棒了
一點都不好，你現在是有多茫啊？
我在抽大麻
真的？ 嗯哼
你知道現在幾點了嗎？嗯啊
差不多九點啦
操你的那克魯斯
猜我現在在看什麼了。 大麻吸食器？
不，我昨晚在街上撿到了一張棉被
為了搶它還跟了一個流浪漢輸贏，他實在太嫩了！
還拿到了一張古老的納瓦夥族小馬毯子(印地安人種族)
所以我認為那算是一個屬於我的獎品
米奇，你知道成年人在工作日更容易發火嗎？
我知道，我就是想你了，老弟，就這樣 我也想你
我們從三年級就是最好的弟兄了
我好長時間都沒見你了
噢，我太忙了
我們還在訓練孩子們睡覺
我連呼吸的時間都沒有了
我很抱歉，夥計，我只是太想見你了
我們今晚還會見面，對吧？
大衛？ 在阿
沒錯，沒錯，沒錯，那件事兒
勇士隊-馬林魚隊，別告訴我你都忘了
沒有忘記
你打算什麼時候來接我？
你不要給我唬爛喔，大衛
我絕對不會給你唬爛的
你要是給我放鴿子的話，我會強姦你的眼睛
我知道了
我絕對會把我的大屌插到你的眼睛裡...噢！
我爸來了
米奇·普隆科，平常很少來的
這傢夥他媽的很不爽我
我六點去找你 好的
通話完畢
老爸
你來幹什麼？
哦，我就是過來告訴你一聲
實在很難相信我有多麼的為你驕傲，兒子
我現在雖然茫茫然的
但我怎麼還能感覺你這是在消遣我
是不是？
沒，高中被退學
就跑去做演員絕對是個聰明的選擇
我恰巧在那個肉類廣告裡看到你了
那絕對是我所有看到過的最完美的低能兒表演了
你到底來幹什麼？
我順便來看看你有沒有想要吃個早餐
不行，我十分鐘後有個非常重要的電話會議
你沒有工作 你還沒有頭髮勒
沒錯
好吧，那我就直接的在這說了
我要結婚了
我希望你能參加婚禮
什麼時候呢？ 下禮拜六
我的未婚妻，帕梅拉，希望你...
到時後可以講幾句話
等你下一次的結婚我再去吧
嗯，好，沒問題，好吧...那我該回家了
然後把我的鞋弄乾
看到你很開心 我也是
很好
這時後吃寶寶的怪物
從深淵中冒了出來！
嘿，老爸，你覺得哪個比較好？
南方帝王蝶還是斑點蝶？
我一向都比較挺斑點蝶
帝王蝶只是被美化的蛾子，你認為不是嗎？
嗯，我同意
嗨，老媽！嗨！
今天真是糟糕
嗨！
城市區域規劃部門第一千次拒絕了我們
克萊因醫生又把雙胞胎的接種疫苗記錄弄丟了
以及卡拉在芭蕾課上又被欺負了
你跟老爸說了沒？
妮科萊特·彼得斯總是在做特曼滑步的時後撞倒我
哦，我很遺憾，小美女，你還好吧？
我們要盡量用彼此對談來解決
對，對，要彼此對談來解決，寶貝
所以今晚你要在哪裡做到這點呢？
哪一點？
對談之夜阿
哦，我的天
親愛的... (犯錯的口氣)
不要那樣叫我
我很抱歉，我... ..我真爛
蒂爾曼醫生說每星期只要一小時就好了
我很抱歉
都已經三個多月了
我知道，我都記得
而且我願意坐下來和你彼此對談一小時
一星期幾次都可以，但是今晚不行
為什麼？ 你有什麼事？
我答應米奇我今晚要陪他
看一場球賽，還有...
什麼？
我們能不能再推遲一次對談之夜？
我真的很抱歉
我只能在下周一晚上
謝謝
他來的真早啊
是啊，你也會早來的
要是你整天吃著鷹嘴豆沙跟打著手槍話
鷹嘴豆沙是什麼？
這在地中海是很普遍的食物，寶貝
什麼是打手..."強"？
是一種餅乾
哇喔，嗨，米奇，髮型看來還不錯喔
謝啦
嗯啊，我為那個他媽的衛生棉廣告不得不剪的
米奇叔叔
我最喜歡的芭蕾明星在幹些什麼呢？
嗨，米奇叔叔 嗨，哇哦！
天啊，你怎麼這麼輕，你在減肥嗎？
你能來參加我的舞蹈表演嗎？
噢！
不了，親愛的
米奇叔叔就只愛看一種舞蹈風格
需要一個很粗很亮的鋼管 還要一個有戀父情結傾向的女人
好啦，故事時間結束
去整理一下你的頭髮
哦
嗯，聞起來不錯，雅姆
嗯
喔！這個好！
蔬菜拼盤！
你最近怎麼樣？ 很好阿
你很好？ 是啊
你有交女朋友嗎？
噢！你知道我碰到誰了嗎？ 誰？
希卡姆老師 在德魯伊山的星巴克
我們社會學的老師？ 嗯
我要約她出去，她拒絕了
太誇張了，就只因為高中時代我搞過她了
你嗎？ 她的嘴幫我過了整個學期
好啦，洗澡，換尿布，也穿上PJS了 (PJS/睡衣品牌)
戴夫還可以滿足你嗎，性方面？
可以吧，我覺得啦
其實不行
我喜歡你穿著吊帶褲襪在我面前背著英文表 (暗示SM角色扮演)
這有點過分了喔
喔！
看看這些... ...小笨蛋
你叫什麼名子？ 嘿...
你叫什麼名子？叫什麼阿？你叫什麼名子阿？
為什麼他們不能說話？ 是不是低能兒或頭殼不好之類的？
別這麼說...你不能這麼說
嗯，那這一個看起來就有點呆呆的
也不行 我開玩笑的啦
還是有一點？ 不
親愛的，我們看到比賽結束就回來，好嗎？
玩得開心點
我喜歡 哦，天阿
走吧。 好的，再見
米奇和戴夫
米奇和戴夫，出城囉
哦，哥們兒，我忘了告訴你！
我這周拿到了一個電影主角
我去一個電影角色試鏡，就拿到了
是啊，這可是第一次耶 嘿，幹得不錯喔，什麼電影呢？
無名超屌電影
是嗎？叫這個名字？
嗯，是啊。 幹得不錯
要不要抽兩口熱車一下阿？ 不，不
明天對我很重要 握好方向盤，方向盤
哦，幫我開一下
米奇，拜託，兄弟
我們應該要一起安全的去看比賽，你不覺得嗎？
想來口嗎？ 這台是菲羅，還真衰，這可沒安全氣囊
明天可是還要上班的
來一口咩 好吧，我來試一下
噢！搞啥小阿...你娘幹勒！
你就好好專心開車吧
可以說不要阿，雷根嗎 天啊，你幹嗎丟掉呢？
嗯哼，我們可是在開車 天阿！
這可是輛正在狂飆的車 這可是超恐怖的
握下方向盤，我要再來了喔！
哇喔！喝吧！
這球我一定要乾一杯。 沒問題！這次三振出局了吧！
嗯，是怎麼了阿？ 每次看到你就是很開心
看到你我也很開心阿，戴夫
女朋友的事怎麼樣了，嗯？
我最近搭上了幾個非常非常優的女人
我這有些照片 哇喔
這是塔蒂阿娜
塔蒂阿娜 塔蒂阿娜
她的姓呢？
全名是"塔蒂阿娜·凌晨三點叫我要去幹斯坦" (全名:塔蒂阿娜·斯坦)
誰管她是什麼狗屎姓阿?
米奇，這讓我想起了塞布麗娜
是阿！等等，誰是塞布麗娜？
塞布麗娜，她是...
她跟我是同事，是新的法律助理
她是個辣妹 嘿，米奇，真的很辣，阿哦
她就像雜誌封面的辣女郎，你懂嗎？
我猜她在你的癌症名單中排第一，對吧？
那是什麼？
少來了，你知道是什麼的 什麼名單？
已婚的男人都有一張癌症名單
就是如果你老婆突然死於癌症
你會選擇最先做愛的三個女人
這真他媽變態啊
拜託，那可是我孩子的媽媽啊
哦，我懂
如果是玩玩的，沒錯，她在名單裡面是排首位
像是個禮物啊 是阿
我打斷你了，接著跟我說剛剛那個
天啊，上禮拜，塔蒂阿娜，她來找我
她穿著那種黑色緊身衣短裙
你知道她跟我說什麼嗎？
慢慢跟我說 沒，什麼都沒說
因為塔蒂阿娜只想著凌晨三點要做的事
操啊，操啊，像個充氣牛郎
這個賤人不會滿足的
她每個姿勢都要搞一下
天啊，你超爽的
我們試了老漢推車和觀音坐蓮
還有水落石出、人命關天 （體外射精、體內射精）
盪劍式，撩劍式，破劍式...
我跟你說，沒看過有人那麼性饑渴的
什麼啦？ 人命關天、盪劍式什麼的我都聽不懂阿
因為你結婚了，你結婚了，戴夫 是啊
不管怎樣，我們開始切磋
太激烈，搞得我都流鼻血了
不會吧
這種德古拉、安妮萊斯之類的種族... (吸血鬼、吸血鬼作家)
就這樣出現在我面前
你可真爽阿
當激情過後精疲力盡一切都結束之後
她抬頭看著我說...
米切爾，下裡拜二，我還會再過來
我們就會玩真的了
爽！
爽阿！塔蒂阿娜
操，米奇，米奇，米奇
你真是...
我怎麼都遇不到呢？
我多想要這樣的性交，吸毒，以及所有的不良嗜好
我就是他媽的太急了，是不是阿？ 我是不是太猴急了？
你太忙碌了
急著去念一流的大學，是不是？
然後考進一間很優的法律學校
有一次我擠進了間一流的法律學校
我卻正好又一心想找間很優的法律事務所
我遇到了潔米，我們結了婚，我們有了卡拉，就這樣了
我錯過了20多歲的青春，是不是？ 現在都來不及了
嘿，去你的，你已經都有了！
你有個非常性感的老婆
你還有一間漂亮的房子
裡面都是傢具還有食物和孩子們
還有你賺了快一噸重的錢耶
而且你一回到家一天就等於結束了
還有你身邊有誰會把你當作狗屁阿
你從來都不寂寞
你還想要什麼呢？
我告訴你我想要什麼，好嗎？
我想要不同的東西
我想要過你的生活，你懂嗎？
我想要塞布麗娜，我想要塔蒂阿娜
跟不同的女人有著妙不可言的性交
你的生活像是個夢想
做個演員多有趣味啊，一年只工作一周
我想整天抽著大麻
我想要完整好好的看完一本書
我想要藉此痛快的發洩
因為我並不是時常的感到精神緊張
我想去學如何滑旱冰
說到這我想去尿尿了
我也是，噴泉，噴泉，噴泉
正好
哦嗚！
這妹妹看來不太高興啊
我真的想說的是，我很羨慕你的生活
就這樣，我才真的羨慕你勒
不，你沒有 你只是怕去傷到我
我沒有，我說真的，我真的很羨慕你
不，是我羨慕你
我希望能過你的生活 （同時說）
是電力管制還是怎麼了嗎？
嗯，我猜是吧！
看看你射出的尿，還真是又順又粗阿
充滿著自信
你的正在冒氣 多謝關心
我的泌尿醫生說我的尿有一點過熱
能走了沒？ 嗯，好了！
你能開車嗎？ 嗯，沒問題！
操你的那克魯斯
我的大麻菸呢？
操他媽的誰家的孩子啊？
這一些該死的枕頭是啥阿？
潔米！耶穌啊！
怎麼了？ 這太他媽噁心了！
把奶子遮起來，這又不是非洲！
我怎麼會在這張床上？ 我昨晚睡在這了？
我他媽的搞你了？
你還沒酒醒嗎？
戴夫!
洛克伍德呢？
操你的啥情形阿？
喔，天阿
我是戴夫？
喔，我的天啊！
快打開這該死的門阿，戴夫
快點，開門，趕快阿
操
快點，兄弟，馬上來開門啊
我們要快點阿
戴夫，快點，馬上來開門
好啦，我醒了 快打開這操他媽的門阿
快打開這該死的門阿，戴夫
米奇?
我為什麼在你的公寓？
戴夫，快點，打開門！
發生了很嚴重的事情 你等等看了我就知道了
等等看看你看看我！ 耶穌基督的咧，放輕鬆阿
超怪的啦，兄弟 我們要快點
噢 Oh.
這是什麼玩意阿？
我就知道 哦，天阿
耶穌基督的咧，這他媽的是怎麼回事？
看阿
沒錯，就是你
而且這就是我，全部有的沒的都是我的
你別客氣阿
我變成了這樣
你要把我幹什麼？
嘿，停下來 我力氣真大阿
你在掐你自己！
快醒過來
醒過來！
我不能呼吸了，把我的手放掉阿
快醒過來！他媽的放開我！
好吧，好吧，好吧！
去照照鏡子，在那！
瞭解了嗎？
我變成一個混蛋了
我變成機器傻子了
哦！你做了什麼
我做了什麼？ 你認為我願意變成你嗎？
誰有說過我想變成你？
靠么咧，我們有耶
我們希望過對方的生活
我們昨晚撒尿時在那個他媽的噴泉說過
我們希望過對方的生活
我只是想要讓你感覺好一點！
噢，我的天啊！
我知道一條去噴泉的捷徑
走這邊
小心！慢點！
我知道了，我知道了
我們到了噴泉後該怎麼辦 該做些什麼呢？
我們會往裡面撒泡尿，或者....
我不說廢話了 總之要找回我們原來的生活
你是在耍我嗎
嘿，那個噴泉哪去了？
恢復原狀了
你在說什麼？恢復原狀了？ 你恢復到哪去？
我不知道，兩位 我只負責填平這裡
我又不是噴泉的發言人
嘿，你娘幹勒...
誰，誰，誰可以跟我們說噴泉在哪裡？
也許可以去問區域負責人
沒有，電腦裡沒有相關資料
好吧，那什麼時候會出現在電腦裡？
也許明天，明天維克托會回來
沒有在電腦裡，沒有在公園裡
誰是維克托？
就是能在電腦上找到那玩意的傢伙
你們怎麼有辦法遺失一座噴泉呢
這對我們來說是很嚴重的事情，你懂嗎？ 我是說，那可是噴泉啊！
怎麼感覺你有點冷血阿？ 這真是難以置信
這沒有在電腦上
是阿，但你的服務態度挺適合配在你身上的
不要，不要，不要阿！
沒有身體接觸 There was no physical contact.
我們很好，我們很好，我們沒事 We're okay. We're fine. We're fine.
45分鐘後我一生最重要的會議就要開始了，怎麼會這樣？ I have the biggest meeting in my life in 45 minutes. This isn't happening.
你今天有什麼要做的嗎？ Did you have something you wanted to do today?
我一個大電影有約 I've got day one of my big break movie.
如果我錯過了這個會議，我就失去了合夥人 If I don't make this meeting, I don't make partner,
這樣我過去的15年人生就完了，全完了！ and the last 15 years of my life, everything I've done, wasted!
別擔心，沒事，我去做 All right, fine, I'll do it.
我去，我來做 I've got it. I'll do it.
有我呢。做什麼？ I got you. Do what?
我是個演員，變色龍 I'm an actor. Human chameleon.
我睡著覺都能做個律師，告訴我一些關鍵的事情 I can do lawyer in my fucking sleep. Give me the keys.
哦，你要在一個你製片的電影裡扮演我？ Oh, you'll play me in one of your productions?
對，跟我講一下要注意的。不行 Yeah, give me the keys. Okay, no.
為什麼？因為你 Why? Because you're...
小心點 Careful.
因為做一名律師比你在電視裡看到的難得多，米奇 Because there's more to being a lawyer than what you see on TV, Mitch.
真的嗎？是的 Is there? Yeah.
我反對！哦，我的天 I object! Oh, my God.
可以嗎？不行！ Okay? No!
錯，我的朋友。你不知道做一名律師的先決條件 Wrong, my friend. You don't know the first thing about being a lawyer.
你不是個受訓過的演員 You're not a trained actor.
你也不是 Neither are you.
別說了，好嗎，戴夫？ Save it, all right, Dave?
就這一天，我們是米奇和戴夫！ It's one day. We're Mitch and Dave!
我們今天要做不同的事。告訴我要注意什麼 We can do one day of anything. Give me the keys.
開始吧，你有更好的主意嗎？ Let's go. Do you have a better plan?
靠，好吧，只能如此了 Shit. Okay. All right.
你還有41分鐘，嗯？很好 You've got 41 minutes, okay? Great!
去我家，換上我的衣服 Go to my house, get dressed in my clothes.
然後趕到我的辦公室，找我的法律助理，塞布麗娜 Then you go to my office, find my legal associate, Sabrina.
從她那拿合併文件 Get the merger documents from her,
拿著它們去會議室，然後... take them to the conference room, and...
噢，我去，合夥人就快到了 Oh, God, the partners are going to be there.
聽著，什麼都別說 Listen, do not say a single word.
要是有人問我問題呢？ What if somebody asks me a question?
他們什麼都不會問你的 They're not going to ask you a damn thing.
一旦會議開始 你就一定要什麼都別說 Once the meeting starts, you will continue to say nothing.
就算合夥人找你要合併文件 When a partner asks you for the merger documents,
你也要安安靜靜地遞給他 you will then silently hand them over.
我明白，我會很認真的去做的 I get it. Play it big, but maintain my reality.
這很簡單。不！你要看輕它 It's pretty simple. No! You play it small.
我在這上已經花了九個月 I have spent the last nine months
然後做出了這個交易 banging out the terms of this deal.
你唯一要做的就是把文件給他，就這樣 The only thing you have to do is hand over the documents, that's it.
老弟，輕鬆地就想做愛 Dude, easy as fuck.
你在會議上不要說這種話，米奇 You can't say things like that in the meeting, Mitch.
是，不錯的提醒 True. Good note.
到我了，你回我家，嗯？所有的計劃都在我的冰箱上 For me, you go to my house, okay? All my info is on my fridge.
你到了地方，就去弄頭髮，化妝 When you get to the set, you go to hair and makeup,
然後被我的台詞 and you learn your lines.
最重要的是，別給我搞砸了，好嗎？ Most of all, do not fuck this up for me, all right?
這對我很重要，就像我的憤怒的公牛。明白了嗎？ This is my big break, my Raging Bull. Do you hear me?
你尊重我的藝術，我尊重你的人生 You respect my art, you respect my life.
你尊重我的 You respect mine.
好的，我明白了，來個擁抱，來，嗯，好的 Yeah, I got you. Power hug. Come on. Yeah, okay.
等下，你要去接卡拉 Hold on. You got to pick up Cara.
四點去接卡拉，聽到沒？ Pick up Cara from ballet at 4:00, okay?
我尼瑪會搞定這些的 I am fucking all over that shit.
我操啊 Holy shit.
早上去打高爾夫了，洛克伍德？ Early morning on the golf course, Lockwood?
哈哈！好極了！ Ha-ha! Terrific!
嗯~嗯~ Num-nums!
看著不錯！ Fucking score!
應該很好吃 Fucking grocery store.
看看這些小麵包 Look at all of this for little Mitchie-poo.
不錯 Nice!
哦，你在這啊 Oh, there you are.
我又核對了10到19條款，都一樣，準備好沒？ I redid the 10-19 variants, everything else is the same. Ready?
哦，你一定就是塞布麗娜，嗯？ Oh, you must be Sabrina, huh?
你一定是戴夫 You must be Dave.
我們在玩過家家嗎？我們要遲到了 Are we role-playing or something? Because we're late.
他沒告訴我你是個又壯又胖的姑娘 He didn't tell me you were a big, fat, fucking boner.
抱歉，這不太職業，哈？ Sorry. That was unprofessional. Wasn't it?
你早餐吃的含羞草嗎？有點緊張？ Dave have a mimosa for breakfast? A little nervous?
只是個玩笑，嘿... That was a joke. Hey...
走之前我有個很重要的問題 I've got one really important question before we go.
這裡的食物，都是免費的嗎？ All this food here, is it free?
給你這個 You got this.
嗯，給我 Yeah, I got it.
我拿著，好的 I got it. Okay.
我們開始吧 Let's do this.
嗯，你還記得路吧 All right. You remember though?
哦，對，在這邊，想起來了 Oh, right. It's down there. Got it.
洛克伍德，嗯 Lockwood. Yep.
也許你該坐到桌子這邊來 Perhaps you would like to sit on our side of the table.
謝謝 Thanks.
現在，在我們正式合併之前 Now, before we formalize this merger,
還有什麼問題嗎？ are there any outstanding questions we might address?
我們之前做了分析 Our back-of-the-envelope analysis
分析顯示你們的盈虧每個條款比預期的 shows your P&L to be 2% less than expected
要低兩個百分點 as per the MAC clause.
我能確認一下 剔除利息、稅收、折舊和攤銷
還在與... still aligns with comfortable...
戴夫? Dave?
戴夫!這，戴夫在這 Dave! Yes. Dave is here.
嘿，你好 Hey, man.
嘿 Hey.
哦，這是給你的 Oh, I've got your thing.
給 Boom!
不，戴夫，額... No, Dave, uh...
金卡布先生有一個關於剔除利息、稅收、折舊和攤銷的問題 Mr. Kinkabe had a question about the EBITDA.
好的 Okay.
額，是怎麼樣的？ Uh, how is it?
好的 Good.
好的？ Good?
我說什麼了？ What am I saying?
剔除利息、稅收、折舊和攤銷很糟 EBITDA is bad.
非常糟 Fucking terrible.
你的意思是保險費需要調整嗎？ Are you saying the premium needs to be adjusted?
我沒這麼說 I didn't say that.
你聽到我這麼說了嗎？沒有 Did you hear me say it? Nope.
那我們的協會怎麼樣？ What about our WACC?
嗯？你們用的是哪種預付費業務？ Huh? What PPS multiple are you using?
什麼？財務狀況還穩定嗎？ What's that? Is the financing still stable?
等下，朋友們 Hang on, guys.
這邊有尼瑪25個人，能衝別人發發火嗎？ Fucking 25 guys on this side. Can you fire at somebody else?
有沒有別人能回答這些該死的問題？ Can anybody else field the fucking question?
戴夫？嗯 Dave? Yep.
這些都是你的工作 It's your job to know this.
是的，這我知道 Yeah, and I know that.
你看，我們...一切... You know, we're... Everything is...
這麼說吧 Here is the deal.
我們非常富有 We are very rich.
每個人都很富！ Everybody rich!
我們簽了這個吧 So let's sign this.
能有什麼壞事發生呢？是不是？ What's the worst that can happen? Right?
我們只需要去慶祝一下 We will just roll this party out
去吃壽司，喝點酒 to some sushi and some sake bombs.
毛斯塔奇請客，最後再來點卡拉OK Moustache is buying. And then a little karaoke for dessert?
我們能有什麼損失？ What have we got to lose?
我們簽了吧。嗯？ Let's bones that. Huh, 'stache?
這是在開什麼玩笑嗎？ Is this some kind of joke?
你要毀掉這一切嗎？ Are you trying to poison the well?
你正在接受非法調查，金卡布 You are the one on a fishing expedition, Kinkabe.
你從未對合併事宜認真過 You were never serious about this merger.
我？ Me?
這個傻瓜是你的人，是你搞砸了它 This moron works for you. You are the one sabotaging it.
操你媽的...“傻瓜”用在這裡並不合適 Fuck you with that... "Moron" is a bad word here.
這個合併不可能了 This merger is over.
你剛犯下了你一生中最大的錯誤，先生 You have just made the biggest mistake of your career, mister.
我們在法庭上見。不，不 I will see you in court. No, no.
一群狗屎！ What a bunch of bullshit!
等下，別走啊 Hang on. Don't get up.
這是暫停嗎？要休息一下？ Is this a break? Taking a break?
什麼意思？ Quick fiver?
這到底是怎麼回事？ What the hell was that?
放鬆，沒什麼啊 Relax. This is good.
看看這一切有多棒啊 Look at how great this is.
這都是我秘密計劃的一部分啊 It's all part of my secret master plan.
是嗎？是啊 It is? You bet.
你弄痛我的手臂了 You are hurting my arm a little bit.
這個交易對我們事務所的生存意義重大 This deal is critical to the very survival of this firm.
明白嗎？我知道 Is that clear? I got it.
我知道我在做什麼。我為這個... I know what I'm doing. I've been doing it for...
我在這裡準備這項工作有多久了，嗯？ How long have I been doing it here, huh?
我在這裡工作多久了？這你都知道 How long have I worked here? You know that.
我不知道 I don't know.
9年，10年，對 Nine years, 10. Yeah.
是的，整整十年了 Yeah. Perfect. Exactly 10 years, that's exactly right.
我讓你做錯什麼了嗎？ And have I ever steered you wrong?
沒有 No.
相信我，老兄 Trust me, bro.
老兄？ Bro?
很好 Fine.
但從現在開始，你都可是很危險啊 But from here on out, you are on an extremely short leash!
明白嗎？ Understand?
現在，去，先去換身得體的衣服 Now, go. Put on some proper clothes.
你看起來像猶太人 You look like a Jew.
哦 Oh.
不好意思，你好，影星要把車停在哪？ Excuse me, hello. Where do the movie stars park?
你好。嘿，哥們，什麼事？ Hello, there. Hey, man. What's up?
化妝間在哪？ Where the fuck is hair and makeup?
米奇·普隆科，就是我 Mitch Planko. Fuck me.
那邊 Right there.
我擦哦 Fuck me.
哦，看看這個，看上去挺有意思 Oh, look at that. That looks like fun.
片場準備好了 Ready for you on set.
給你拿點什麼？維他命水？ Anything I can get you? Vitamin water or Pellegrino?
不，謝謝，我只是有幾個問題 No, thank you. I just have a quick question.
這個是什麼意思，這裡“TS” What does that mean, there, "TS?"
乳頭特寫 Titty shot.
那“BTS”呢，這個？ And, "BTS," right there?
跳動乳頭特寫，跳動乳頭特寫 Bouncing titty shot. Bouncing titty shot.
史蒂夫·德來富，去攝影棚 Steve Driver, coming to the set.
我很好奇，這是個什麼電影？ I'm just curious, what kind of movie is this?
是約爾諾 It's a Iorno.
我不太熟悉這個類型，是歐洲那邊的嗎？ I'm not familiar with that genre. Is that European?
意思是乳頭和陰影 Lorno, "Light porno." Tits and shadows.
你聽說過成人影片頻道沒有？ You ever hear of Skinemax?
哦，不 Oh, no.
來吧，夥計 Come on, big guy.
不，不，不 再來點油 No, no, no. More oil.
讓他亮的像魚皮 Make him shiny like fish.
你是這裡的管理者嗎？ Are you the one in charge here?
米奇，我是瓦爾坦，導演 Mitch, I'm Valtan, the director.
哦，好的，這裡面有一點小誤會... Oh, good. There's been some kind of mistake...
莫娜！ Mona!
哪裡是...我在這！ Where the fuck is... I'm here!
嘿！ Hey!
場景在這，好吧？你拿著槍進去 Here's the scene, okay? You going to enter with a gun...
槍呢？ Where the gun?
米奇，你要進去時，守衛會阻止你 Mitch, you going to come in. Guard going to try to stop you.
你把他們一個個擊倒，明白？ Line, line, line. You knock him the fuck out, okay?
之後你就見到了莫娜，她躺在那張床上 You see Mona. She lying there in the bed.
然後你揉動乳房，揉動乳房，揉動乳房 Then we bounce titty, bounce titty, bounce titty,
慢慢地，揉動乳房 slow mo, bouncy titty, Iicky tip of nipple,
恆定速度，揉動乳房 regular speed, bouncy titty,
拍她的屁股，拍她的屁股，拍她的屁股 slap the ass, slap the ass, slap the ass,
這時一陣風吹過，吹滅了蠟燭。法尼特，你覺得怎麼樣 and a wind come in, blow out a candle. Finite. What do you think?
哦，像一首詩！對，像一首詩！ Oh, it's like a poem! It's like a poem!
米奇在我們的電影中會表現的很出色的 Mitch is gonna be great in our movie film.
準備！準備 Lock it up! Locking it up.
好好表演。各就各位 Have a good scene. Places, everyone.
安靜，各部門注意 你想要... Quiet on the set. This is heavy. Do you want to take...
攝像機就位 The camera is rolling.
一個問題 開始 Question. And action!
嘿 Hey.
開始 Action!
禁止進入！ No entry!
米奇，這裡 Mitch, here.
如果你讓... If you let...
如果你不讓我進去，塔克，我就會讓你死 If you let me don't in, Taco, I will fuck you dead.
我做不到 That can't be right.
好吧，加油！把他擊倒就行了，然後進去 All right, come on! Just knock him the fuck out, go inside.
繼續拍攝！繼續拍攝 Keep rolling! Still rolling.
開始！ Action!
額...我就打了一下他 Come on. I barely hit him.
好吧，我們後期再修復，繼續拍攝，繼續拍攝 All right, we fix it in post. Just keep rolling, keep rolling.
繼續拍攝 Keep rolling!
洛拉，吃驚的醒來 Lola, wake up surprise.
我操！ Holy shit!
史蒂夫·德來富，你這個混蛋，你 Steve Driver, you perfect bastard, you.
脫掉 Rip it off.
天啊！ God!
哦，對，舔她的胸部，舔她的胸部 Oh, yeah, eat that titty, boy. Eat that titty.
對，對！舔她的胸部 Yeah, yeah! Eat that titty.
哦，操 Oh, Shit.
想小甜點，孩子，很美味！ Like Cheerio, boy. Delish!
沒錯！早餐冠軍，孩子 Yeah! Breakfast champion, boys.
輪到做愛時刻了 Mount for sex time.
去！上床 Go! On bed.
給我，史蒂夫！ Give it to me, Steve!
快！好吧，好吧，好吧 Come on! Okay, okay, okay.
對！ Yeah!
打她的屁股，兄弟 Pump that ass, boy.
快，兄弟 Go, boy!
慢點，慢點 Loosen hips, loosen hips.
加油！深一點！ Go! Deep thrusting!
好的！ Yeah!
把你大拇指放進她屁股 Put your thumb up her butt.
什麼？ What?
把你大拇指放進她屁股 Stick your thumb up her butthole.
我保證，沒問題，很乾淨 I promise you, it's nice, clean.
享受女人的菊花吧 You eat cake off lady's Starfish, okay?
啊... Ahhh...
不 No.
我殺過人 I have killed people.
大部分是男人 Mostly men.
我被禁止回到東方集團 I'm not allowed back in Eastern Bloc.
現在，把你拇指伸到這個女人的屁股裡 Now, you put your thumb up nice lady's butthole,
要不然，你很有可能在這裡發生什麼事故 or else, maybe you have an accident on set.
也許燈會砸中你的頭，也許你會觸電 Maybe light fall on your head, maybe you get electrocute.
也許你的臉會一團糟，我也不知道 Maybe goat fuck your mouth. I don't know.
片場總是充滿了危險 Movie set be very dangerous place.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
好啦，享受這裡吧 Okay. And have fun with it.
好啦，繼續拍攝，繼續拍攝 Okay. Keep rolling, keep rolling.
我要去屎了 I'm going to hell.
哦，史蒂夫! Oh, Steve!
感覺就像我屁股的聖誕節 It's like Christmas in my ass!
動一動！轉一轉！ Moving it around! Moving it around!
就像一台蘋果機 Like iPhone.
沒錯 Yeah.
對，買點應用軟件！ Hey, purchase some apps!
憤怒的小鳥！ Buy Angry Birds!
迪米特裡進來 And enter Dimitri.
迪米特裡? Dimitri?
嗨，迪米特裡 Hi, Dimitri.
你在跟我老婆幹什麼？ What are you doing with my wife, man?
插！別即興創作，好嗎？ Thrust! Don't improvise, okay?
繼續抽插，繼續抽插 Keep thrusting, keep thrusting.
加油 哦，嘿，嘿，嘿 Pump it. Oh, hey, hey, hey.
現在親這個男孩 Now kiss that boy.
不不不，我很好，迪米特裡 No, no, no. I'm good, Dimitri.
你要親這個男孩 You're going to kiss that boy.
快點 Come on.
別，別這樣 Okay, we're good.
舉起手，舉起手 Tall arms. Tall arms.
保持微笑，女孩們 Remember to smile, girls.
很好 Very nice.
集中精神 Focus.
伸起手臂，舉高一點 Arms up. Tall.
很好，女孩們 Excellent, girls.
微笑，集中精神 Smile. Focus.
卡拉，抬起腳尖站穩 Cara, do try to stay on your toes.
我們再來一次 Let's start again.
我不該坐到我的座位上嗎？ Shouldn't I be sitting in my car seat?
不，不用，這樣很好 No, no. You're good.
嘿，跟我說說那個把你撞到的女生 Hey, tell me about the big girl who knocked you over.
是妮科萊特·彼得斯總是撞我 That's Nicolette Peters.
事實上，她經常這樣 She does it a lot, actually.
她經常這樣？為什麼你不反擊？ She does it a lot? Why don't you fight back?
額，你告訴我不要那樣的 Uh, because you told me not to.
我？ I what?
你說我該用談話解決問題 You said I should strive for verbal resolution.
額，你知道，老把我有時... Uh, you know, Daddy sometimes...
我怎麼...你該這麼做 How do I... Here's what you do.
你要做的口頭解決方式是 What you do is you fuck verbal resolution, okay?
你從背後打那個賤人，然後踢她 You put that whore on her back, and you shank her.
你知道怎麼報復嗎？ You know how to make a shiv?
什麼？聽我說 What? Listen to me.
如果有人用刀威脅你 If somebody comes at you with a knife,
你就把她全家送到停屍房 you put her whole family in the morgue.
這才是尼瑪的正義 That is jailyard justice.
因為要是你不反擊那個賤人 Because if you don't come back hard on a bitch,
你就要以賣駱駝燈和果凍 you're going to end up getting sold
結束了 for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O cup.
你明白我在跟你說什麼嗎？ Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
要用暴力解決問題 Always solve your problems with violence.
好的，老爸 Okay, Daddy.
很好 Great.
想要來點好吃的嗎？ Want to get some Pinkberry?
嘿 Hey.
嘿，你過得怎麼樣？ Hey, how did it go?
你給我閉嘴！怎麼了？ You shut up! What happened?
我正在趕拇指先生的瘋狂旅程的場 We'll get into Mr. Thumb's wild ride in a minute.
你先告訴我，交易進行的如何？ First, you're going to tell me, how did the deal go?
很好，進行的很順利 Awesome. The deal went awesome.
很好，那麼，它關閉了？ Good. So, it's closed?
是的，當然關閉了，當然關閉了 Yeah, fucking closed. Basically closed.
有一點小插曲，但是... A little bit of a hiccup, but...
什麼意思，什麼插曲？ What do you mean, a hiccup?
一個小插曲 A little bit of a hiccup.
你的老闆是個反猶分子，你知道嗎？ Your fucking boss is an anti-Semite. Did you know that?
哦，我的天！你怎麼了？ Oh, my God! What did you do?
我幹的很好，就像我們早上說的 I was playing it nice and cool, just like we talked about,
然後那些可惡的小個子，那些日本人 and then these goddamn squids, these Japs,
那些神風特工隊員衝我開火 these fucking Kamikaze pilots are coming at me,
問了我一堆尼瑪不知所云的問題 riddling me with fucking questions.
我只好做了點即興表演，他們好像有點激動 I had to do a little improv, and they got very emotional.
你能不能直接告訴我結果怎麼樣嗎？ Will you just tell me how it ended?
你要上法庭了。不！我操！哦，我的天啊！ You're going to court. No! Fuck! Oh, my God!
你的老闆有一點小生氣 Your boss was a little pissed off.
我告訴他那是我秘密計劃的一部分 I told him it was part of my secret master plan.
不，你沒有 No, you didn't!
我說完了，輪到你告訴我我的工作進行的怎麼樣了 We'll work on one of those. You tell me how my shit went.
哦，誰管你的狗屁工作？我的工作怎麼辦？ Oh, your shit? How'd my stuff go?
米奇，你他媽有什麼毛病吧？ Mitch, what the hell is wrong with you?
那是部色情電影！ It was a porno movie!
是約爾諾，三級片啦！
你的弟弟一直在褲子裡，對吧？ The dick stays in the pants, right?
他們沒讓你露出來吧，沒有吧？ They didn't pull it out, did they?
但是我的拇指插進了三個女孩的屁股 But my thumb went in three girls' assholes.
哦，我去，你不用這麼吃驚 Oh, fuck, get the sand out of your vagina.
你完成了嗎？ Did you finish the day?
我完成了，米切爾 I finished the day, Mitchell.
你幹什麼 What are you doing?
我完成了。很好 I finished the day. Good.
你活在夢裡 You're living the dream.
你生活在他媽的夢裡！你的工作糟透了 You're living the fucking dream! Your job sucks, too.
這不管用 This isn't going to work.
這當然不管用 This is not going to work. That's way too much.
嘿，老兄，等下，你要幹什麼？ Hey, man, hang on. What are you planning on telling her?
我要告訴她事實 I'm telling her the truth.
事實？，好的 The truth? Yeah.
這會管用的 That's going to work.
傑米會知道怎麼做的 Jamie will know what to do.
雅姆. 雅姆. Jame, Jame
嘿，小美女 Hey, sugarbug.
嘿，老爸 Hi, Daddy!
嘿！ Hey!
你好，我早熟的小女兒 Hey, my precocious little daughter.
我不會這麼說 I don't talk like that.
你會的。我真的不會，沒人會這麼說 You do. I really don't. No one does.
傑米，嘿！傑米，傑米，傑米 Jamie, hey! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.
很高興你來啦。這太瘋狂了 I'm so glad you're here. It's been so crazy.
哦，這很合適 Oh, that's appropriate.
嘿，米奇。傑米，我要和你談一談 Hey, Mitch. Jamie, we need to talk.
要和我們一起吃晚飯嗎？ Are you going to stay for dinner?
不，我不能在這吃晚飯，但我想... No, I can't stay for dinner, but I would love to...
聽著，我要告訴你一些事 Look, I got to tell you something.
現在可不行，米奇。我都快忙瘋了 I can't talk right now, Mitch. It's been so crazy here.
雙胞胎該睡覺了 The twins are a half-hour past their bedtime.
你幹什麼？你怎麼，像個動物一樣？ What are you doing? What are you, some kind of animal?
卡拉要做作業了 And Cara has to start her homework.
4分鐘前我接到了一個緊急電話 I have an emergency phone call in four minutes.
你知道那棟建築嗎？ You know that building?
11層建築？嗯 The 11-story building? Yup.
我必須去遷出其中三層，是不是很瘋狂 I have to remove three stories somehow. Isn't that crazy?
是啊 Yeah.
這太荒唐了，這麼做根本就沒有意義 It's so ridiculous. It makes no sense at all.
我不是米奇 I'm not Mitch.
什麼？我是米奇 What? I'm Mitch.
他是米奇。我是米奇，我們互換了身體 He's Mitch. I'm Mitch. Somehow we switched bodies.
我是戴夫。他是戴夫，對 And I'm Dave. That's Dave. Yeah.
哦 Oh.
是這樣的，我們在一個魔法噴泉前撒尿 What happened was, we pissed in a magic fountain...
額...第二天它就不見了 Uh-huh. ... and the next day it disappeared.
他們挪走了噴泉，現在我們正在找它 They moved the fountain, so now we're looking for it.
我們找到它，我們就能換回來了 And when they find it, we're going to switch back.
我們喝酒了，所以當時一定要撒尿 We had to pee because we were drinking.
我們喝酒了 We were drinking.
這聽起來挺有意思。你能給雙胞胎洗澡了嗎？ That sounds like a plan. Can you start the bath for the twins?
好吧，親愛的，這個... Okay, pumpkin, this is...
米奇，不 Mitch, no.
不要叫我親愛的，好嗎？ Don't call me pumpkin, okay?
而你答應過我的你會把這清理乾淨... And you promised me that you would clean out...
你能讓她停下嗎？ Can you shut this off?
這問起來像個垃圾堆！傑米，傑米，傑米，坐下 It smells like cabbage now! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, sit down.
就一會，認真點，好嗎？ One second. Just humor me, all right?
我想讓你問我一件事... I want you to ask me one thing...
我不想玩你們的遊戲 I don't want to play your games.
...只有戴夫才知道答案的 ...That only Dave would be able to answer.
就一個問題，求你，求求你啦 Just one question. Please, I'm begging you.
好主意 Good idea.
好吧，我們的結婚紀念日是哪天，戴夫？ Okay, when is our anniversary, Dave?
四月十七，下一問題 April 17th. Next question, please.
錯 Wrong.
沒有下一道了，是19號 So close. Nineteenth.
17號是你女兒的生日，19號才是你的結婚紀念日 Seventeenth's your daughter's birthday, 19th's your anniversary.
你怎麼會知道的？你認為我是個怪獸嗎？ Why do you know that? Do you think I'm a monster?
我每年都給你寄賀卡。傑米，聽我說 I send you a card every year. Jamie, listen to me.
問我其他問題 Ask me anything else.
哦，我的天！米奇 Oh, my gosh! Mitch,
我現在沒有時間 I don't have time for this!
求你，再來一個，難一點的 Come on, one more. Just make it tough.
只有戴夫才知道的，絕對的難題 Only Dave would know. A stumper.
好吧，我最愛的顏色是什麼，戴夫？ Fine. What is my favorite color, Dave?
紅色。青色 Red. Celadon.
你難道不知道我們在這要說明什麼嗎？ Do you not understand what we're trying to accomplish here?
不是房間裡的那一點紅色 Not a drop of the red in the room.
全部在突出青色 All the accents are celadon.
這好像不起作用 It's like the opposite of help.
好吧，親愛的，我知道了 Okay, honey, I got it.
我要跟你說一些 I'm going to tell you something
只有我，戴夫，才知道的 that only I, Dave, would know.
三年前，你用振動器 Three years ago, you took your vibrator...
你用振動器... 早上！ You took your vibrator... Morning!
在浴缸裡，它短路了 ...Into the bathtub and it short-circuited
然後它電到了你的小妹妹 and it electrocuted your vagina.
不是吧 Hang on.
現在那裡還不會長毛呢 And there's now the cutest little bald spot right there.
是的 Yeah.
你好 Hi.
哦，我滴神啊 Oh, my God.
我知道，是我，這不好笑 I know. It's me. This hasn't been fun.
不錯的故事 Good story.
你個龜兒子！ You son of a bitch!
這你都敢告訴他？ How dare you tell him that?
天啊！ God!
你們兩個有什麼毛病？ What is wrong with you two?
我操！ God damn!
要是我告訴他 How would you like it if I told him
你有個蛋蛋感覺是個雙黃蛋 你會有什麼感覺？ that you have a ball that feels like two balls?
就好像你有三顆蛋蛋 So it's like you have three balls.
戴夫有三顆蛋蛋 Dave has three balls. A bouquet of balls.
我去！我勒個去！ Bad! Bad!
這個主意可真他媽遜啊 This idea fucking sucked.
聽著，我不想讓你擔心那事 Listen, I don't want you to worry about anything.
我可以堅持住的 I'll be able to hold down the fort.
我們必須早點找到那噴泉 We got to find that fountain as soon as possible.
好像這裡面有一罐乒乓球 It's like a can of tennis balls down here.
我看唯一的問題就是，我跟傑米說什麼？ The only problem I see is, what do I tell Jamie?
你跟傑米什麼，什麼？ What do you tell Jamie, what?
當她今晚想做愛時 When she wants to have sex tonight?
想想吧 Think about that.
你不能跟我的老婆上床，米奇 You're not having sex with my wife, Mitch.
當然，老兄 Obviously, bro.
但如果她如果像疾風暴雨般襲來 But if she comes at me like a hurricane,
只有一個人可以抵擋 a guy can only withstand so much.
米奇. Mitch
戴夫。我們正式著搞定這事 Dave. We're trying to pull something off here, okay?
現在，我們必須提醒她，好嗎？她會知道的 Now, I might have to hit that, okay? She'll know.
嗯，你們兩個一天做愛幾次？ Now, how many times a day do you guys have sex?
我必須要搞清楚 I'll have to pace it out.
今天是周幾？ What day is it today?
我不知道。周二？ I don't know. Is it Tuesday?
嗯，好吧，這不關我事 Yeah. You know what? It's a non-issue.
什麼意思？你們周二不做愛？ What does that mean? You guys don't have sex on Tuesdays?
放假一天？ Take the day off?
這很值的崇拜 That's adorable.
告訴你吧 Tell you what.
要是她像疾風驟雨般撲來... If she comes on like a hurricane...
上吧 Just drill it.
是啊，你能怎樣呢？你是個正常人，把鑰匙給我 Yeah, what can you do? You're only human. Give me the keys.
很好，是啊 Smart. Yeah.
好的，小心一點 Okay. Please be careful with her.
就好像我們交換了坐騎 It's like we're swapping rides.
就好像那樣 It's just like that.
謝啦，老兄，你真好 Thanks, buddy, you're being very cool.
我滴神啊 Dear God.
哦，感謝上帝，看看這個，哈？ Oh, my goodness. Look at this, huh?
謝謝，媽媽 Bang. Thank you, Mommy.
為什麼不跟老爸說說今天學校發生了什麼？ Why don't you tell Daddy about what happened at school today?
我寫了一首詩 I wrote a spring poem
拜爾斯老師只把安琪莉卡的詩貼到了墻上 and Miss Byers only put Angelica's poem up on the wall
卻沒把我的貼到墻上 and she didn't put my poem up on the wall.
她為什麼這樣？ And why would she do that?
我想她喜歡我的 I thought she liked me.
戴夫。嗯？ Dave. Yeah.
卡拉跟你說話呢 Cara's talking to you.、
什麼？她跟你說話呢 What? She's talking to you.
額，卡拉，她的詩也許寫的比你好很多呢 Well, Cara, her poem was probably much better than yours.
我們開動吧。戴夫 Let's eat. Dave.
我沒有讀那個小屁孩兒的詩 I didn't read the bitch's poem,
但是也許寫的真的不錯，我們開吃吧 but maybe she can really turn a phrase. Let's eat.
跟卡拉說她的詩也很好 Tell Cara that her poem was good.
你傷她的心了 You just hurt her feelings.
我也沒讀她的詩。你想讓我對她撒謊嗎？ I didn't read her poem, either. Do you want me to lie to her?
是要這樣嗎？好吧，我不在乎 Is that what this is? Fine, I don't care.
卡拉，寶貝，你的詩，雖然我沒有讀過，但是我知道 Cara, honey, your poem, which I did not read,
它比其他女孩的詩好的不是一輕半點 was way, way better than the other girl's poem,
雖然我真的沒有讀過 which I also did not read.
我們開動吧 Let's eat.
是卡拉，不是塞拉 It's Cara. Not Cara.
什麼？ It's what?
你是不是中風了？ Are you having a stroke right now or something?
我怎麼叫她的？我們的晚飯歌曲呢？ What did I call her? What about the dinner song, Daddy?
什麼東東？ What about the what?
她說什麼？晚飯歌曲 What's she saying? The dinner song.
什麼？晚飯歌曲 What's that? The dinner song?
你開玩笑呢？沒，我認真的 Are you joking me? No, I'm not joking you.
是一首歌嗎？唱晚飯歌吧，寶貝 There's a song? Sing the dinner song, honey.
當然，是一首歌。開始唱吧 Course, there's a song. Just sing the dinner song.
我今晚不想唱 I don't feel like singing it tonight.
不行，快唱 No, sing the dinner song.
快唱 You sing the dinner song.
你怎麼不去唱？快唱 Maybe you need to sing the dinner song. Sing the dinner song.
我聽膩這首歌了 I'm sick of that song.
唱晚飯歌，唱！ Sing the dinner song. Sing it!
我明白，我聽見了 I got it. I heard you.
晚飯歌 Dinner song
豌豆，土豆，胡蘿蔔和西蘭花 Beans, potatoes, carrots and broccoli
麵包，沙拉和土豆和雞肉 Buns and salad and potatoes and chicken
舔舔手指 Needs a lickin'
晚飯歌 Dinner song.
這不是晚飯歌 That's so not the dinner song.
額，我跟你說 Well, I'm going to tell you what.
你要給我寫一首晚飯詩 You're going to go ahead and write me a dinner poem,
我會讀給你聽的 and I'll belt that out after I choke this down.
我們快尼瑪開始吧 Let's fucking go.
好吧，爸爸需要先去休息一下 Okay. Daddy needs a time-out.
好主意 Great idea.
晚飯歌 Dinner song
再見 Bye-bye.
喂，你好，米奇，我是塔蒂阿娜 Hello. Hi, Mitch. It's Tatiana.
塔蒂阿娜，你好，最近如何？ Tatiana. Hi, how are you?
我沒幾分鐘就會到你那操你了 I'll be better in a minute after I fuck you raw.
哦 Oh.
你好，米奇 Hello. Mitch.
是塔蒂阿娜，她說她要來跟我上床了 That was Tatiana. She said she's going to fuck me raw.
塔蒂阿娜？靠，這就對了 Tatiana? Shit, that's right.
這是我周二晚的計劃，這都是日程上的 That's my Tuesday night regular, right on schedule.
正好讓你趕上了，戴夫 You fuck that right for me, Dave.
我期待了很長時間呢 Took me a long time to reel this one in.
我不認為我能做到 I don't think I can do this.
這他媽...嘿，戴夫！ What the fuck does that... Hey, Dave!
你好，老哥！ Hey, man!
老爸，我好像聞到臭鼬了 Dad, I smell a skunk.
沒，是這個，孩子 NO, it's this, kid.
這是什麼意思，你不認為你能和塔蒂阿娜做愛？ What does that mean, you don't think you can fuck Tatiana?
因為... Because it...
我的天啊，她來了 Jesus Christ, she's here.
她已經在敲門了 She's already knocking on the door.
你正好替我享受下啦，戴夫 You nail that right for me, Dave.
感覺好像我在背著傑米亂搞 It feels kind of like I'm cheating on Jamie.
你別他媽放屁 Are you fucking shitting me?
什麼叫亂搞？ In what world is this cheating?
亂搞是你弟弟的任何一部分 Cheating is when any part of your dick
到了那些不是你妻子的女人身體裡，懂嗎？ gets up inside some woman that's not your wife, okay?
但是你的老二現在在我這裡 And your dick is firmly planted
在這條都起皺的破運動褲裡 inside these fucking lame, triple-pleated sports slacks.
但是我的思想在這裡，這也算出軌對不對？ But my mind is over here. That should count for something, right?
天啊，你這個二逼 God, you big bitch.
你意淫過多少個女人？幾千個？ How many women have you fucked in your mind, huh? Thousands?
上萬個，米奇，那算亂搞嗎？ Millions, Mitch. Was that cheating?
不，這不算 No. It was not fucking cheating.
我認為你現在絕對是在這裡 I think you're on very firm legal ground here, counselor.
你的理由貌似是他媽沒有漏洞的 Your reasoning is oddly impeccable.
這就是你想要的，戴夫 This is what you wanted, Dave.
和不同的女人，新的女人做愛 Sex with strange, new women.
閉上你的嘴，過後再感謝我好嗎？ You just thank me later and shut your mouth, all right?
再見，掛了 Goodbye. Kirk out.
我要做這個 I'm going to do this.
塔蒂阿娜. Tatiana
開始了 Game on.
我喜歡今晚你讓我做的這些 I like how you made me work for it tonight.
我是幹什麼的？飛賊？ What am I? A burglar?
我操 Holy shit.
我操！ Holy shit!
為什麼你還穿著衣服 Why the fuck are you still wearing clothes?
你預產期是什麼時候？ When are you due?
隨時都有可能 Any minute now,
我們趕快開始吧，省的一會兒變成三個人了 so let's get our fuck on before this becomes a threesome.
喔，這太變態了！ Oh, that's so gross!
喔，等一下，等一下 Whoa, stop for a second. Stop for a second.
你太重了！ You're so heavy!
我的乳頭渴望著你 My tits are aching for you.
可能是初乳來了，可能有一點疼 That's probably the Colostrum coming, and it'll be very painful.
夠了，夠了，我不想要，別 Okay, okay. Just friends. Just friends.
哦，你今天晚上是怎麼了 Okay, what's your deal tonight?
沒什麼 Nothing.
是因為我的新髮型嗎？ Is it my new haircut?
不 No.
大衣太老土了？ The trenchcoat. Too cliché?
不，跟大衣沒關係 No, it's not the trenchcoat.
那是什麼？ Then what is it?
你是個好人 You seem like a really nice person,
你是不是上周懷孕的？ but were you pregnant last week?
你開玩笑吧？ Are you kidding me?
你在單身母親無痛分娩課上接走我的 You picked me up at a single mothers' Lamaze class.
太糾結了，哦，天吶 That's so twisted. Oh, God.
等下，等下，塔蒂阿娜，塔蒂阿娜，對不起好嗎？ Wait, wait, Tatiana. Tatiana. I'm sorry, okay?
你很漂亮，你很漂亮 You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
你只是... You're just...
什麼？我不性感？ What? I'm not sexy?
不，不，嘿，聽著，我沒這麼說 No, no. Hey. Look, I did not say that, okay?
你...我的天啊！我都能看見你的孩子在動！ You are... Oh, my God! I can see it kicking!
你妹的，米奇 You know what, Mitch?
不要再打電話給我了 Don't ever call me again.
別，等下，等下，塔蒂阿娜，別走 No, hold on. Wait, Tatiana, don't go.
我是說，去吧，去醫院 I mean, go, but just go to a hospital.
哦，米奇，你都乾了什麼？ Oh, Mitch. What are you doing?
我的天 Oh, God.
我暈，做點俯臥撐嘛，戴夫 I mean, it is called a push-up, Dave.
真可憐 Pathetic.
哦，天啊，我今晚特別有感覺 Oh, God, I'm really feeling it tonight.
我勒個去 Holy shit.
開始了 Game on.
哦，天啊，來了，哦，米奇！ Oh, my God, it's going down. Oh, Mitch!
我終於可以和傑米上床了，我一生中最美妙的時刻 I finally get to fuck Jamie. This is my finest hour.
希望她喜歡奇怪一點的 I hope she likes it weird.
靠，我要讓她欲仙欲死 God, I am going to ruin her!
噢！ Oh!
我真受不了泰國菜 I need to cool it on the Thai food.
哦，老天 Oh, my God.
說真的，老公，點根蠟燭 Seriously, dude, light a candle.
哦，天啊 Oh, my God.
別別別，別用那碰我 No, no, no. Don't back that thing up into me.
去處理一下 Go hose it out or something.
什麼？ What?
不敢相信你來找我了，真倒霉？ I can't believe you'd come at me, guns hot.
倒霉？ Guns hot?
開玩笑啊？ Are you kidding me?
沒，我沒有，女士，今晚不會有什麼，好嗎？ No, I'm not, lady. It's not going to happen tonight, okay?
我又沒向你示愛 I'm not attracted to you.
轉過去各睡各的吧 Rotate your turret and go night-night.
輪到你了 It's your turn.
嗯？ Hmm?
輪到你去為孩子奶了 It's your turn to feed the babies.
我不想去 I don't feel like it.
快點 Come on.
你現在他媽的在逗我玩啊？ Are you fucking kidding me right now?
現在是凌晨三點，你去喂啊，你是媽媽 It's 3:00 in the morning. You go do it, you're the mother.
我是媽媽，現在是凌晨三點！ I'm the mother! It's 3:00 in the morning!
在我幹掉你之前趕快給老娘下床！ Get the fuck out of the bed right now before I fucking cut you!
我去！什麼啊！ Jesus! What the fuck?
這不是真的，這太... Unreal. This is just...
哦... Oh, please.
嘿嘿！這是什麼？ Hey, hey! What the fuck?
哦，我操！怎麼這樣啊 Oh, God! That did not just happen.
幹什麼？ What?
嘿，我一直覺得你老婆是個淑女 Hey. I always thought your wife was a nice lady,
但是她說話像個母老虎 but she talks like a dock worker
連拉屎都像 and she shits like one, too.
還有，我以前覺得你的孩子們很可愛，但他們不是 Plus, I used to think your kids were adorable, but they're not.
他們太煩人了 They're fucking bananas.
我能幫你嗎？ Can I help you?
這樣吧，我把這兩個正在尖叫的... Here's the deal. I got two screaming...
等下，呼吸怎麼這麼重 Hold on. What's with all the heavy breathing?
你在打飛機？ Are you jerking off?
沒，我沒有 No, I'm not.
對對對，我是在打飛機 Yes, yes, yes, I am.
聽著，我從沒這麼向人透露過隱私 Look, I never get this kind of privacy any more.
那你玩的還不是我的弟弟？ Isn't that kind of my dick, though?
長得是不是有點奇怪？ Is that weird?
問你自己吧 You ask yourself that.
看起來太偏向一邊了 It sort of hooks to the side a bit.
用你的左手，你要多扭一扭 Use your left hand, you get a little bit more torque.
很好，謝謝 That's cool. Thank you, I think.
問題 Question.
你多久刮這裡的毛一次？ How long have you been shaved down there?
我不確定...大概，六周 I don't... Like, sixth grade.
額...太不好了 Well, that's disturbing.
讓我更長一點 Gets me an extra inch,
只有你們結過婚的才經常刮 and only you married dudes rock the dick-froes.
現在，我問你一個問題 Now, let me ask you a question.
要是塔蒂阿娜回來的早 If Tatiana was over earlier,
為什麼你還要打飛機？ why do you still have the need to jerk off?
塔蒂阿娜，我不認為她不會回來了 Tatiana. I don't think that she's going to be back for at least...
她不會再回來了，米奇 She's never coming back, Mitch.
你做了什麼？ What did you do?
那個女人都懷孕九個月了！ The woman is nine months pregnant!
我都可以看到那小孩的臉了 I could see the baby's face.
我跟你說過不要搞砸我的周二之夜 I told you not to screw up my Tuesday night.
你知道我在無痛分娩課外等待了多少個夜晚 Do you have any idea how many Lamaze classes
才釣到了這麼一個女人 I had to sit through to get that lined up?
你凌晨三點打給我還有別的事嗎？ Is there a reason that you're calling me at 3:00 in the morning?
對了，母老虎讓我來喂寶寶，我該怎麼做？ Yeah, the dock worker is making me feed the twins. What do I do?
帶他們去廚房。好的，別掛 Get them to the kitchen. Yup, hold on.
別哭了，老天爺啊 Stop crying. Jesus Christ.
閉嘴！我他媽聽見你們了 Shut up! I fucking hear you.
米奇. Mitch
求求你們了，夠了！ Please. Enough!
你，待在這 You, there. Stay.
別動 Stay.
好了，到廚房了 All right. In the kitchen.
去冰箱.好的 Go to the fridge. Okay.
哦 Oh.
米奇，你還在嗎？ Mitch. Are you there yet?
我在冰箱這了 I'm at the fridge.
拿出兩袋母乳 Defrost two bags of breast milk
用微波爐除霜三分鐘 in the microwave for three minutes.
然後準備兩個瓶子 And then prepare two separate bottles.
母乳？ Breast milk?
首先，把過濾器裝好 First, attach the filter to the seal.
用藍的那個，別用粉色的 Use the blue ones, not the pink ones.
除霜好了。好了 Defrost two bags. Yup.
很好。除號霜後 Pretty intuitive. Then after the milk is defrosted,
從微波爐裡拿出來 take it out of the microwave,
倒入瓶子裡 pour it into the bottles, seal them.
然後你要加入大概八分之三茶匙的水... Then you need to put three-eighths of a teaspoon of water...
我操！ Holy shit!
別啊，親，上帝！ Come on, dude. Christ!
米奇，嘿，你在聽我說話嗎？ Mitch. Hey, are you listening to me?
我操啊！ Holy fuck!
這很重要啊，別搞砸了 This is important stuff Do not screw this up.
嘿！ Hey!
怎麼了？ What was that?
米奇? 米奇! Mitch? Mitch!
沒事，老兄，然後幹什麼？ Everything's fine, dude. What's next?
然後你要放八分之三... Then you need to put three-eighths...
搞毛啊？ What the fuck?
我操！靠！ Holy shit! Fuck!
發生什麼了？ What just happened?
沒事，沒事，老兄，繼續，兩個瓶子 Nothing. Nothing, dude. Go on. Two bottles...
按上奶嘴，額滴神啊 Then attach a number two nipple. Jesus Christ.
確保裡面不要有氣泡 Make sure you don't allow any air bubbles in.
然後你就可以為他們了... Then, after you're done feeding them...
這都太狗血了吧 This is so fucked up.
好了！ Yeah!
搞定了 All right.
這就是你們想要的，對吧？嗯，待在這 This is what you get, okay? Yeah, right there.
米奇。好了，老兄 Mitch. Okay, dude.
明天早上，當我坐在你的辦公室 Tomorrow morning, when I am sitting in your office,
你要給我進城 you need to be downtown,
找到那天殺的噴泉 finding that fucking fountain.
我不知道這些該死的事... I do not know how much more of this shit...
...我還能忍受多久 ...I can take.
我是找那個從你電腦中消失的噴泉 I'm one of the guys looking for the fountain
的一個人 that you lost in the computer.
如果你能告訴我它在哪，我將十分十分感激你 I'd be very, very appreciative if you could tell me where that is.
當然，我能幫你 Yeah, I can do that.
好的，太棒了 Good. Great.
首先，你要填寫一張常規信息登記表 First, you got to fill out a formal information request.
好的，我馬上就填 Okay, I'm going to fill that out right now.
然後要送到洲裡 Then it needs to go to State.
洲？是的，去等待批准 State? Yeah, to get approved.
你為什麼不能批准它，維克托？ Why can't you approve it, Victor?
我沒有這權利 I don't have that authority.
州政府批准要多久？ How long is it going to take State to approve it, then?
三天...哦，天吶！ Three days... Oh, God!
到三周。噢，不是吧！ ...To three weeks. Oh, come on!
維克托！ Victor!
米奇? 戴夫? Mitch? Dave?
有人嗎？ Hello?
靠！ Fuck!
壞消息來了... Real bad news...
哦，嘿，那個... Oh, hey. Where's...
戴夫在哪？ Where's Dave?
戴夫在洗澡 Dave's in the shower.
你還好嗎？ Are you okay?
嘿 Hey.
發生什麼了？ What's going on?
戴夫表現得真的很奇怪 Dave's just acting really weird.
怎麼？ How?
他有著各種奇怪的表現， He's just doing weird stuff,
比如他今天穿著拖鞋就去上班了 like he wore his shower sandals to work yesterday.
他忘記去接雙胞胎 He forgot to pick up the twins from daycare.
沒，他沒有。真的，他確實忘了 No, he didn't. Yeah, he did.
他們只好坐在那裡等了一個半小時 They had to sit there for an hour and a half.
沒事了 Okay.
還有昨晚他告訴我 And then last night he told me
我對他已經沒有吸引力了 that he wasn't attracted to me any more.
我要去宰了這小子 I am going to kill him.
我要你告訴我是怎麼回事，行不行？ I just want you to tell me something right now, okay?
你一定不能對我撒謊 And you have to be totally honest with me.
當然。你發誓？ Sure. You swear?
我發誓 Yeah.
他是不是有外遇了？ Is he having an affair?
沒 No.
那你剛剛為什麼猶豫了一下？ Why did you hesitate just then?
我沒猶豫 I didn't hesitate.
他沒有外遇 He's not having an affair.
傑米, 傑米... Jamie, Jamie...
你們兩個只是在經歷 You guys are just going through
一個暫時的困難時期 a temporary rough patch right now.
暫時困難時期？你這是什麼意思？ Temporary rough patch? What are you talking about?
我們在一起很多年了 We've been in this for years.
你有嗎？ You have?
我愛他，你知道我全身心的愛著他 I love him. You know I love him with all of my heart.
但他... But he's...
你了解他的家庭，他的成長... You know his family, growing up...
他曾一無所有，所以他總是很上進 He had nothing, and so he was always looking over the fence
他想要更好的生活 because he wanted a better life.
這就是為什麼一段時間他同時做四個工作 And that's why he worked four jobs at once,
這樣他才可以讓自己從學校畢業 so that he could put himself through school.
他很棒 And he's amazing.
我想，沒有人做得到這些 I mean, nobody can do that.
但問題是 But the problem is,
現在他什麼都有了，他還不能改變 now that he has everything, he can't turn it off.
他還想要更多更多 And he still wants more and more
第二棟房子，更多的孩子，更好的車 and a second house, and more kids, and a nicer car
任何他認為能讓他高興地東西，他都想要 and anything that he thinks is going to make him happy.
所以他不停地工作 And so he just keeps working
他已經對我失去興趣了 and he's not paying any attention to me.
我真的很痛苦。哦，天啊 And I'm miserable. Oh, God.
應為...我又一雙大腳 Because... I have huge feet.
他們有11號 They're size 11.
我的腳每生一個孩子就要長半號 My foot has grown a half a size with each baby.
我只能到網點去淘漂亮鞋子 I have to go to this weird online shoe store to get shoes.
我只是希望他能多關注我一點 And I just want him to pay attention to me.
我想讓他像以前一樣 And I want him to grab me
抱緊我，親吻我 and kiss me like he used to.
就像你以前常說的 And it's like you always say,
戴夫有一點小二逼 Dave is a little bit of a pussy.
我常說？ I always say that?
嗯 Yeah.
我常說這個因為這是事實 I always say that because it's true.
戴夫有一點小二逼 Dave is a little bit of a pussy.
我希望當他搞定合夥人 I hope that when he makes partner,
他終於可以停下腳步，休息一下... he can just finally stop and see...
然後享受快樂，你懂嗎？ And be happy, you know?
因為你怎麼能嫁給一個 Because how can you stay married to somebody
不能享受幸福的人呢？ who is incapable of being happy?
你說的什麼？ What are you saying?
我勒個去啊，我弟弟上長雀斑了 Holy fuck-knuckles, I've got freckles on my taint.
這太酷了吧 How awesome is that?
嘿，老弟，你怎麼來了？ Hey, fag, what are you doing here?
三天到三周？ Three days to three weeks?
你把寶寶留在護理中心了？ You left the kids at daycare?
嘿，米奇！那是我的孩子 Come, on, Mitch! Those are my kids.
我做不了這些了 I can't do this shit any more.
不，不，不，你要把這些做完 No, no, no. You are going do this shit.
你不能這麼隨便就這麼放棄了 You don't get off that easy.
我的婚姻就要破碎了，我的工作也命懸一線 My marriage is falling apart, my job is on the line.
只要你想，你一定可以成為我 You are going to be the best possible me you can be right now.
戴夫，你不明白，我做不到 Dave, you don't understand. I cannot do this.
一個小時都不行了。你必須要做 Not even for another hour. You're gonna do it.
我不管！你必須待在這現在就繼續做下去 I don't care! You're going to stay here and do this right!
別他媽擋著我的路，不然我把你丟進你自己的浴盆中淹死！ Get out of my fucking way, or I'll drown you in your own goddamn tub!
放鬆，你這個賤人 Easy, motherfucker!
要是你現在走了...把手鬆開 If you leave now... Get your hands off me.
我們就絕交！ ...This friendship is over!
馬勒戈壁，誰在乎啊 Fuck you. Don't pull that shit on me.
我他媽要離開這了，我是認真地，米奇。閉嘴！ I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm serious, Mitch. Shut up!
傑米和孩子們就是我的全部 Jamie and the kids mean everything to me.
在這方面你沒有出路 There's no walking out on this.
在你過去的生命中，有的事你可以選擇逃避 For once in your life, you got to see something through.
你他媽說的這是神馬？ What the fuck does that mean?
我認真地跟你講，米奇 I'm going to be honest with you, Mitch,
我們大家都聯繫在一起 because there's a lot on the line here.
你選擇逃避 You are a quitter.
但這件事的選項裡沒有逃避二字，明白嗎？ But quitting is not an option on this one, okay?
你集中精神，你找到自我 You focus, you find it.
我不在乎它在哪，但你快些在你的內心深處找到它，嗯？ I don't care where, but you find it inside of yourself, okay?
我知道它就在那 I know it's there.
我不是沒有嘗試 It's not like I'm not trying.
我只是不知道如何面對你生活中的這一切 I just don't know how to do all your grown-up crap.
你要去學習 You're going to learn.
這是西裝，每天上班穿一件 This is called a suit. You wear one every day.
系一條領帶。黑色襪子，不要白的 Along with a necktie. Black, not white, socks.
鞋子，不要拖鞋。拜託，難看死了 Dress shoes, not shower sandals. Please. These are awful.
哦，當然，還有內褲。哦，嘿 And, of course, underwear. Oh, come on.
別廢話了，米奇 No more commando, Mitch,
你是個大好人，把它們穿上 you're a grown-ass man. Put them on.
這個是日程表 This is called a schedule.
上面有你每天要做的所有事情 It tells you everything you need to do each day.
接孩子，送孩子，各種活動 Pick-ups, drop-offs, activities,
約會，醫生預約等等 play-dates, doctor's appointments, etc.
你要記住要把每天當做50個小時來過 You'll notice that there are approximately 50 hours' worth of obligations
好好乾 on any given day. Make it work.
這裡是超市 This is called a grocery store.
在這裡買吃的，這也是你的責任 People buy food here. It's part of your responsibilities.
來這裡之前， Before heading to the market,
通常獻給傑米打個電話，問她想要買點什麼 always call Jamie and ask her if she needs anything first.
事實上，做出每個決定之前 In fact, before making any decision
不管是多小的事情 in your life, no matter how small,
都要先徵求老婆的意見 call your wife first.
把自己想象成一隻腦損傷的驢子 Think of yourself as a brain-damaged mule,
迷失在沙漠中，無助，不會說話 lost in the desert, helpless, dumb
而且十分迫切的需要一個方向 and in constant need of direction.
不要擅自做決定，不要採取主動 Never take the initiative, never strike out on your own,
不要脫離計劃。為什麼？ and never deviate from the plan. Why?
因為你是隻腦損傷的驢子 Because you are a brain-damaged mule
而且你還在沙漠裡迷路了！ and you are lost in the damn desert!
這些是孩子，或者叫吃貨 These are called children, or dependants.
一定不要打擊你的孩子 Never disparage your own child.
他們做的每件事都是上帝賜予的奇跡 Everything they do is a miracle from God.
當他們出錯，都是因為 When they're bad, it's only because
他們累了 they're tired or going through a phase.
當別的孩子出錯，那就是因為父母太寬容了 When other kids are bad, it's because of indulgent parenting
或者孩子天生固有的缺陷 or innate defects in the child's character.
每件事都提早15分鐘 Be 15 minutes early for everything.
不管是什麼事，會議，項目都是如此 It doesn't matter what it is. A meeting, an event.
你的壓力小，我的壓力就不會大... Less stress for me, less stress for you...
嘿，你現在已經結婚了，混蛋 Hey! You're married now, jackass.
你不能看別的女人 You can't look at other women.
你不能同別的女人說話 You can't talk to other women.
你甚至不能對周圍的女人有興趣 You can't even be interesting around other women.
用盡全力讓自己對性不感興趣 Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself.
系個腰包，開普銳斯 Wear a fanny pack, drive a Prius,
安全帶上裝上電子裝置 不管怎麼樣 attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes.
反正只要你發現自及被迫同一個女人講話 And if you find yourself forced to talk to a woman,
馬上找到一個方法提醒自己，我已經結婚了 quickly find a way to mention the fact that you're married.
這都不一定要有什麼意義 It doesn't even have to make sense.
嗨，你好嗎？今天天氣不錯啊，這個男人尼瑪已經結婚了 Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He's totally fucking married.
所以我不能跟我的老婆睡，也不能跟其他女人睡啦？ So I can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women?
這是他媽什麼邏輯？ What the hell is that?
婚姻 Marriage.
我想我都說完了 I think that's everything.
你還有什麼問題嗎？ You got any more questions?
你有什麼業餘生活時間嗎？ Do you ever have any free time?
你剛才難道沒聽我講話？ Have you listened to a single word I've said?
沒有業餘生活 There is no free time.
忙完這一天，你知道你能得到什麼？ And at the end of the day, do you know what you get?
一把裝好子彈的手槍，用來打爆我的頭？ A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with?
有的時候你會這麼想的 Sometimes you wish.
你好 Hi.
你聽說好消息了嗎？ Did you hear the good news?
金卡布和聯合企業兩天內將進行調停 Kinkabe and Amalgamated agreed to go into binding mediation in two days.
等下，你說什麼？兩天？ Hold up. What do you mean? Two days?
嗯，午飯時我要過來做個簡單的匯報 So, I'll have my briefs on your desk by lunch.
那讓我把蛋蛋放到你的下巴上了 That puts my balls on your chin by dinner.
就在那，計劃四性愛煩惱 That, right there, is Schedule IV sexual harassment.
不錯 Awesome!
不好意，我們認識嗎？ I'm sorry, have we met?
沒，沒有，我是米奇·普隆科 No, we haven't. I'm Mitch Planko.
你好，塞布麗娜·麥凱 Hi, Sabrina McKay.
嘿，塞布麗娜 Hey, Sabrina.
等下 Hold on.
你們兩個要出去一下。什麼？ You two guys should go out. What?
對，對，對，哦，對啊！ Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man!
別說了。 你們兩個應該去約會 Please stop. You two guys need to go out.
絕對的，你們兩個很配啊 Absolutely, you two should go out.
你是單身，米奇，對吧？ You're so single, Mitch, right?
你呢，性感少婦，是吧？瞧這身材 And you're so fucking white-hot, right? This body.
你大學時常去游泳吧？ Did you do a lot of swimming in college?
別回答。我打賭她是的 Don't answer that. You bet she did.
哦，天啊，你們倆應該一起出去 Oh, my God, you guys need to go out,
好好吃頓晚餐，跳跳舞 have a nice steak dinner, do some dancing,
去韓國夜店，嗑滿滿一肚子藥 go to a Korean nightclub, get a belly full of pills.
我不知道你對什麼感興趣，但出去享受吧 I don't know what you're into, but just have some fun.
愛可第七大街，周六八點半怎麼樣？ What about Ecco on 7th Street, Saturday at 8:3O?
很棒吧？很好！ Great? Great!
他有空，他會在那等你的 He's totally free, so he's going to meet you there.
還有，別再屋頂做愛 Don't fuck on the roof, though.
那地方用的是那種沒有用樹脂處理過的瀝青 That place has got this non-resin tar
太難洗掉了 that's a bastard to wash off.
所以，聊聊天就好了 So, just oral.
是的，你也是這麼想的 Yes, you're thinking about it.
她同意啦 She's in.
很好 This is good.
你會讓我被炒掉得！我發誓 You're going to get me fired! I swear to God.
閉嘴，就一秒，你聽我說 Shut it down. For one second, you listen to me.
你有生以來第一次 For the first time in your life,
你長得這麼帥，嗯？ you're fucking good-looking, okay?
你單身，你褲子裡蛋蛋的是兩個 You're single, you got the right number of fucking balls in that bag,
而你有機會搞到你癌症名單上排名首位的女人 and you got the opportunity to nail number one on your cancer list.
我做不到。我不會做的 I can't do that. I'm not doing it.
你會的！跟她共進晚餐 You need this! This is fucking dinner with her!
這太棒了 This is so good.
我是說，我們兩個之間發生的事 I mean, what's going on between us,
太瘋狂了，太瘋狂了 it's just crazy, crazy.
而你又不利用這件瘋狂的事 Here's what's crazier, not using it.
不借這件事搞定她 Not using it on her.
你跟她出去，對她好，對你好 You use it for her, you use it for you,
也許對我也有一點好處，懂嘛？ and maybe a little bit for me, you know?
不斷提醒你自己，提醒你自己 Remind yourself of that. Remind yourself
周二晚上在那裡是你的重要時刻 of the big, fucking crater you created right there on Tuesday night.
哦，怎麼又是周二晚上 Oh, the Tuesday night, again. I could use that.
反正她周二會去那，你想把她丟在那嗎？ She'd fit perfectly in there. Will you please drop that?
每天都是周二晚上！嗯，這尼瑪很重要！ Every day with the Tuesday night! Well, it's a big goddamn deal!
你讓我這樣！你欠我的！尊重我的生活！ You fucked me! You owe me! Respect my life!
尊重我的 Respect mine.
對，你尊重你的生活 Yeah, you respect your life.
好吧！我為你驕傲 Fine! I am proud of you.
只要你想我保證，你要按我跟你說的去做 Just promise me, you listened to every word I said.
我記住了。每個音節都要記住了，好嗎？ I heard everything. Every single syllable, you got it?
我說的每個字你都記住了嗎？ Did you hear everything I said?
我知道要怎麼做。嗯，這就夠了 Caught a few things. Yeah, just enough.
我跟你說，你會很享受的，跟那個女人 You betcha. You go have a good time, little girl.
我把你的生活處理得很得當，放心吧 I got your life all put away here, nice and safe.
接電話 Answer my phone.
你好 Hello.
嗨，米奇·普隆科 Hi, Mitch Planko.
喔！你他媽是誰？ Bingo! Who the fuck is this?
什麼？ What?
老爸？喂？ Dad? Hello?
請問您是米奇的父親嗎？是米奇嗎？ Is this Mitch's dad? Is this Mitch, Sr?
戴夫？你好，我是戴夫 洛克伍德 Dave? Hi, this is Dave Lockwood.
你打給我幹什麼？ Why are you calling me?
我希望我們今天能出來待一會兒 I just wondered if we can get together for a little while today.
哦，今天是工作日啊。就半小時 Boy, it's a work day. Half an hour.
我今天有點不一樣，我不喜歡我穿的外套 I look different. I don't like my outfit today.
戴夫，就半小時 Dave, half an hour.
米奇, 您想要和戴夫 洛克伍德聊一聊 Mitch, Sr. wants to sit down with Dave Lockwood.
是的。為什麼？ Yeah. Why?
我想要跟你聊聊米奇 I need to talk to you about Mitch.
你好 Hello.
戴夫，你好嗎？ Dave. How are you?
很好，謝謝 Good, thank you.
我們這是要幹什麼？我們兩個上次見面是什麼時候了？ What are we doing here? When was the last time the two of us saw each other?
我不管，聽著 I don't care. Listen.
我要同一個漂亮的女人帕梅拉結婚了 I'm getting married to a very beautiful woman named Pamela.
她叫帕梅拉？是的 Her name's Pamela? Yes.
喔，這次你可以用英語說“我願意了” Wow, you can say "I do" in English this time.
什麼？帕梅拉是美國人嗎？ What? Is Pamela from America?
對 Yes.
這麼說吧... Anyway...
我沒有什麼親人了 I'm not going to have anybody there.
我唯一的家人就是米奇 The only family I have is Mitch.
幾天前我去過他的公寓 I went to his apartment a couple of days ago
跟他說帕梅拉想要他 and told him that Pamela would like him
在婚禮上講幾句話 to say a few words at the wedding
這其實是騙他的 and that wasn't true.
實際上是，如果他發現他內心也想去做這件事 Truth of the matter is, I would like him to say a few words,
我盼望著他能來 if he could find it in his heart to do so.
我不明白為什麼你不自己跟他講這些 I don't know why you don't tell him yourself.
孩子聽了這話會多高興啊 That is a very nice thing for a son to hear.
那麼就是說，你想讓我去跟米奇說 So, you want me to go tell Mitch
你想讓他去參加你的婚禮 that you would like him at the wedding.
他肯定會說，為什麼他要讓我去 He's going to say, "Why the hell does
他認為我就是個二逼 "he want me there? He thinks I'm an idiot."
嗯，不是這樣的 Well, that's not totally true.
他還是有很多優點的 I think he's got some nice qualities.
當然同時他也有不好的地方 I think he's got some problem areas, too.
說來聽聽 What are those?
你是他的摯友，你我同樣的很了解他 You're his friend, you know him as well as I do.
你也許比我了解的還多，他是個半途而廢的人 You probably know him better than I do. He's a quitter!
他活到現在都沒有完成過什麼事 He has never finished anything in his life.
做了一段時間，就一定會放棄 He picks up something, he puts it down.
每件事都只有五分鐘的熱情 He's good at it for five minutes, and it's gone.
他懶散，沒有進取心，不能重新振作自己 He's flaccid. No gumption. No get-up-and-go.
他做成的事少得可憐 His accomplishments could rest comfortably on an eyelash.
哦，要是他聽到你這麼說，他可能跟你說“去屎吧” Oh, he'd probably say, "Fuck you ," if he heard you say that.
額，也許會，也許不會吧 Well, maybe he would and maybe he wouldn't.
但是我希望他成為我生活的一部分 But I want him to be part of my life.
普隆科先生，我很負責的跟您講，您並不了解米奇 With all due respect, Mr. Planko, you don't know Mitch.
知道我是怎麼看他的嗎 What you don't realize about him
他他媽是個絕地嗎！ is that he's a fucking Jedi!
什麼？他是個絕地武士，先生 A what? He's a Jedi Knight, sir.
下次你看到他，他會剜頸自殺的 And next time you see him, he's going to be slitting throats.
操！ Fuck!
我他媽不是個半途而廢的人 I'm not a fucking quitter!
好吧，我要開始吧 All right, let's do this.
早上好，小朋友 Good morning, Patty-cakes.
老爸需要各種法規條例 Daddy needs a box set of Law & Order,
三個肉丸子和一把手持 three meatball subs and a hand-folded,
24英寸的日本劍，快~快 24-inch samurai sword, chop-chop.
幹什麼呢 What are you doing?
我來弄著個，我來弄 I got this one. I got it.
回去睡吧 Back to bed.
你陷入了嚴重的財政短缺！ You are in dire financial need!
反對！ Objection!
保持 Sustained.
不好意思 Excuse me.
嗨 Hi.
我操，她太可愛了 Fuck me, she's cute.
要開始巴特曼了 Here comes the battement.
太棒了，卡拉！ Fucking nice, Cara!
好寶貝！ Sweet!
擊倒她啦，漂亮！ That bitch bounced. Beautiful!
我的天！這才是我的女兒！ Man alive! That's my daughter, bitches!
老爸為你驕傲，繼續 Dad's very proud. Keep going.
哦，我想問問，你從哪學來的？ Oh, I mean, what did we learn from this?
要用暴力解決問題 Always solve my problems with violence.
這就對了，寶貝！擊掌 That's bingo, baby! Five, up high.
不對！沒錯！ No! Yes!
不，我們不能這麼做，卡拉 No, that is not the lesson that we learned, Cara.
就要這樣！ It is!
暴力很好 Violence is cool.
戴夫。開玩笑呢 Dave. Kidding.
我沒開玩笑 I'm not kidding.
她摔到地上時 She did make a pretty funny sound, though,
那聲音還是很好聽的哈。對，沒錯！ when she hit the ground like that. Yes, she did!
但是不要把這變成習慣，懂不懂？ But don't make a habit out of that, okay?
我知道。好吧 I know. All right.
我愛你，老爸 I love you, Daddy.
我愛你，小美女 I love you, little girl.
嘿 Hey.
你的屁股可真性感啊 That ass looks real hot, you know.
你愛我的屁股 You like my ass?
當然，像鼓一樣 Yeah. Tight as a drum.
介不介意我把鼓棒放進去 Wouldn't mind putting my drumstick in it.
哦！真的？哈，那就來吧 Ooh! Really? Ha. Keep going.
我還喜歡你有大又挺的胸部 I like how big and fat those tits have gotten.
小牛想要把嘴放到那上面 This little calf wants to get her mouth on the udders.
我想要你操我就像你剛從監獄出來一樣 And I think that I want you to fuck me like you just got out of jail.
明白 Roger that.
我們都不要前戲了，我已經等不及了 And you don't even have to go down on me because I know it's late.
多謝，很好，轉過去 Appreciate it. All right, turn around.
哦！你幹什麼？我們開始吧 Oh! What are you doing? Here we go.
你什麼意思？你不是說你想要做愛嘛 What do you mean? I thought you said you wanted to have some sex.
對，但不要像兩個男人在休息站，好嗎？ Yeah, but not like two dudes at a rest stop, okay?
好吧，我懂了 Okay, I got it. Want to go grab me three Q-tips?
我們就像我們之前一樣做吧 How about we just do what we always do?
什麼，你是說很多眼神交流和真正的肉體接觸嗎？ What, do you mean with a lot of eye-Contact and real personal?
額，過來，我愛你 Uh-huh. Come here. I love you.
嗯，哦，先別說 Yeah. Oh, don't say that.
我們...我們不說話怎麼樣？ Let's not... How about no talking, okay?
我們來一次安靜性愛，我很認真的 We can do some silent sex. Seriously.
親吻我。別別別，別說話 Kiss me. No, no, no. No talking.
好吧，我先親親你的肩膀好嗎？好的 All right, let me kiss a shoulder first. Okay? Okay.
隨便吧。你的手呢 There you go. Where's that hand going?
嘿！你刮毛了嗎？ Hello! Did you shave your balls?
為什麼不喜歡沒毛的蛋蛋呢？ Who doesn't love a couple of smooth criminals?
我說下水道那全都是毛呢 Is that why there was all that pubic hair in the drain?
我猜是，嗯。你怎麼還軟著？ I would bet, yeah. Why are you still soft?
我不知道，我們能不能先別說話，比如，三分鐘？ I don't know. Can we try the no-talking for just, like, three minutes?
就這麼一會兒，好嗎？ That's all it's gonna take, okay?
我們像我們婚禮晚上那樣吧 Let's do it like we did it on our wedding night.
不，不，不，傑米，你說什麼呢，我們那該死的婚禮之夜 No, no, no. Jamie, what are you talking about, our fucking wedding night?
天！不行！為什麼？ God! I can't do this! Why not?
不敢相信我做不到 I cannot believe I can't do this!
怎麼了？我操！ What the hell is happening? God damn it!
怎麼了？ What?
你不想和我做愛嗎？ You don't want to have sex with me?
不，我想 Yeah, I want to have sex with you.
我從六年級就想和你做愛了 I've wanted to have sex with you since the sixth grade!
現在，你本應被我搞得一團糟了 I mean, you should be a mess by now,
但沒有這樣...嗯，我們開始吧！ but things are not... Well, let's do it!
這不對經 This is new.
對不起，傑米 Sorry, Jamie.
我混亂了 I think I'm in over my head.
我想我有點混亂了，我有了這個房子 I think I'm way in over my head. I got this fucking house,
一個工作，還有一個家庭 and a job, and a family.
我有了你，我有了孩子們，而且我還有了合夥汽車。還有那些規則！ I've got you, I've got the Kids, and I've got a fucking carpool. And rules!
那些規則，我他媽有一半都不明白 I've got these fucking rules, half of which I don't even understand.
這不可能，我不懂怎麼會這樣 This is impossible. I don't know how to be this man.
對不起 I'm sorry.
對不起。沒事 Sorry. That's okay.
這沒什麼 That's okay.
到這來 Come here.
嗯，在這裡感覺太夢幻了 Yeah, it's fantastic in here.
很溫暖，我想我會記住這感受 It's very warm. I think I remember this.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
戴夫 洛克伍德. Dave Lockwood
米奇！你他媽在哪？ Mitch! Where the hell are you?
亮天了，我想知道傑米怎麼樣了 It's been two days. I gotta know what's going on with Jamie.
打給我 Call me back.
他尼瑪在幹什麼 What the hell is he doing?
米奇，你好 Mitch. Hi.
傑米，你怎麼在這？ Jamie. What are you doing here?
我每周六做完瑜伽都來這，你呢？ I come here every Saturday after yoga. What are you doing here?
我在拐角把一個賤人爆出屎來 I am plowing the crap out of this chick around the corner,
現在我們要吃晚飯了，我們想做點扇貝 and now we're gonna have dinner. We're gonna make some scallops,
那個賤人等著我呢 and then it's going to get ugly. This chick is a mess.
你為什麼要這麼說話呢？你有美好的一面 Why do you have to talk like that? You have such a sweet side.
你要讓人們看到你美好的一面 You should let people into your sweet side.
嗯，聽著我想問你點事 Yeah. Listen, I wanted to ask you something.
那天晚上，你過的很糟糕 The other night, you were in a pretty dark place.
嗯，是啊，我記得 Oh, yeah. I know.
跟戴夫怎麼樣了 How's that going with Dave?
他對你好點沒？ Is he treating you a little bit better?
是，他表現得很好 Yeah. He's been very sweet.
敞開了心胸和我交流...很好 Really open and communicative... Good.
我們昨晚睡覺時他一直抱緊我 He held my hand all night while we slept last night.
好小子！ Attaboy!
你跟戴夫說要他掛那裡的毛嗎？ Did you tell Dave to shave his balls?
額... Uh...
別表現的好想你不知道一樣，我知道就是你讓他這麼做的 Don't act like you didn't tell him. I know it came from you.
別對他有壞的影響 Don't be a bad influence on him.
我以為你們倆會喜歡的 I though you two might like that.
不，我不喜歡，那上面需要有點覆蓋物 No, I don't like that. It needs some coverage.
嗯，我會讓他留起來的 Yeah, I'll tell him to grow it out.
見到你真高興。你還好嗎？ It was really great seeing you. You okay?
我很好，事實上，我...我比任何時候都好 I'm good. In fact, I'm much... Much better now.
好。嗯 Good. Yeah.
好吧。嗯 Okay. All right.
嗯，我醒了 Okay, I'm awake.
我操 Fuck it.
你好，我想找...哦，別啊！ Hello, I'm trying to find... Oh, come on!
聽著，把他放到我的辦公室，我不管 Look, bring it to me in the office. I don't care.
別急，我會到的，好的，先生 Relax, I'll be there. Yes, sir.
這很重要。出租車！ Just look at... This is important. Taxi!
謝謝 Thank you.
謝謝你，美國 Thank you, America.
喔！ Whoa!
我看著你呢！ I've got my eye on you!
接洛克伍德 Go for Lockwood.
米奇，我很緊張啊 Mitch, I'm panicking over here.
我有18年沒有約會了 I haven't been on a date in 18 years.
我都快嚇死了 I'm drowning in my own fear.
放鬆，冷靜 Relax and calm down.
別跟我說冷靜！你讓我做這個的，我做不到，懂嗎？ Don't tell me to relax! You did this to me. I can't do it, okay?
那也別去，我這就過去 Don't move, I'll be right there.
米奇？ Mitch?
嘿 Hey.
怎麼樣？ How do I look?
怎麼不留起鬍子然後誘騙孩子到你的車廂 Just grow a mustache and lure a child into your van.
你哪找的這些爛衣服？ Where did you find that shit?
你衣櫃後面 The back of your closet.
脫了！ Put it back!
這些是牛仔褲 These are called jeans.
這些在美國年輕人中已經流行60年了 They've been popular with America's youth for over 60 years.
穿牛仔褲去飯店？沒錯，穿牛仔褲去 Jeans to a restaurant? Yeah, jeans to a restaurant.
看看誰還能想到 Look who else can hit.
為了感覺自信，你要看起來很帥，懂嗎？ In order to feel confident, you got to look good, okay?
這是汗衫，穿上 This is a vest, put that on.
好的，這是髮蠟 Okay, this is called gel or product.
用太少，你看起來會像戀童癖 Too little, you look like a pedophile,
用多了，你看起來會像波斯人 too much and you look Persian.
米奇，你跟我說的我都做了 Mitch, I have done everything that you have asked of me.
我穿上了牛仔褲，我穿上了汗衫，也涂了髮蠟 I got the jeans on, I got the vest, the gel in my hair...
你很帥...但我不會這麼做 You look great. ... but I am not going to do this.
不，你要去做。為什麼我一定要這麼做？ Yes, you are going to do this. Why do I have to do this?
這樣會讓你顯得很貼心 Because it shows that you're considerate,
顯得你很講衛生，顯得你是美國人 that you're clean, that you're American.
你怎麼管這麼多？這是我的身體 Why do you even care? It's my body!
這現在是我的啦！ It's my body right now!
我害怕！ I'm scared!
這樣說，是我們兩個的 There, we have it.
沒人知道發生了這些，米奇 Nobody ever needs to know that this happened, Mitch.
哦，真想親親我自己的雞雞啊 Boy, real tempting to kiss my own dick.
啊，很癢 Ah, that tickles.
你在抖蛋蛋 Shh, you're jiggling the sac.
你要回去了，嗯？ Oh, you're going to go all the way back there, huh?
我們要去吃飯飯，不是裡約熱內盧 We're going to dinner, not Rio.
啊，是。你還有電池嗎？ AH right. You got any extra batteries?
你好 Hi.
米奇。你好嗎？ Mitch. How are you?
好的 Okay.
額... So...
天氣如何？ What the weather?
聽著，我之所以來著 Listen, the only reason I'm here
都是因為我的老闆讓我來 is because my boss told me to be.
這不是個約會，這不是為了去了解你 This is not a date. This is not a "get to know you."
我只是要保住工作 This is just me trying to save my job.
我要走了 I'm going to go.
你給我坐下 Just sit the fuck back down.
我洗了澡，我過來，我很餓，我想要喝點酒 I showered, I showed up, I'm starving and I could use a drink.
你認識戴夫多久了？ How long have you known Dave?
從小就認識 My whole life, actually.
你之前看過他有昨天那樣的表現嗎？ And have you ever seen him act like he did yesterday?
像一個超級灌洗器 Like a super-douche?
是 Yeah.
額，是的，有幾次 Uh, I have, at times.
我希望他的話沒有冒犯到你 But I'm really hoping that he didn't say anything to offend you.
他確實冒犯到我了 He totally did.
我喜歡被冒犯，但通常是在工作後 But I like being offended, just usually after work.
喔 Wow.
這是您點的酒，先生。很好 Here's the bottle you ordered, sir. Excellent.
嗯...把這垃圾拿回去 Mmm-mmm, send that shit back.
拿一瓶25年馬加蘭 Bring us two Macallan 25s, neat.
馬上，小姐，馬上到 Right away, ma'am. Right away.
嗯，我來問你幾個問題吧 So, let me ask you something.
問題一 It's a question.
你喜歡跟戴夫一起工作嗎？ How do you like working with Dave?
他怎麼樣？ How is he?
我太愛了 I love it.
我覺得，他是個優秀的律師 I mean, he's a brilliant lawyer.
他是最棒的 He's the best.
事實上，告訴你 Actually, if you must know,
我之前有段時間迷上他了 I used to kind of have a crush on Dave.
哦，不是吧，不可能！ Oh, no, you didn't!
你真搞笑 You're funny.
我是說，顯然，他已經結婚了，所以... I mean, obviously, he's married, so...
是，當然，當然，當然 Right, obviously, obviously, obviously.
結過婚了，你是幹什麼的，米奇？ Super-married. What do you do, Mitch?
我？什麼工作？嗯 Me? For a living? Yeah.
嗯，我... You know, I am...
我... I...
當我不吃人，不瘋狂手淫時 When I'm not eating hummus and ferociously masturbating,
我演色情片 I dabble in light porn.
我聽說這是個增長飛快的產業。對 I hear that's a growth industry. Yeah!
我來點一些甜品 I'm just going to get everything on the dessert menu.
我要點，差不多，六個甜點 I'm going to order, like, six desserts.
哦，老天 Oh, my God.
不，不，不！ No, no, no!
我牙上有東西嗎？ Do I have anything in my teeth?
太甜了 That's a lot of sugar.
嗯，很有意思！ Yeah. A lot of scotch!
是啊，剛過得很愉快 Yeah. That was a lot of fun, is what it really was.
剛？什麼，這就完了？ Was? What, are we done?
才剛兩點啊！ It's only 2:00!
沒！我有點昏頭了 No! I'm just messing with you.
不，我們... No, let's...
我們去狂吼，你想去狂吼嗎？ We'll go to a rave or something. You want to get raving?
人們現在都去咆哮嗎？ People raving right now?
我們去咆哮！耶 Let's rave! Yeah.
我忘了這些了！ I forgot about raves!
哦，我讓你搞暈了 Man, I'm messing with you.
我們走？不 Go and do that? No.
我有個還注意 I do have an idea. Uh-huh.
我們去做件 What do you think about doing something
我們明早一定會後悔的事情 that we will really, really regret in the morning?
你想來嗎？ You into it?
嗯，我們當然要做 Yeah, we can definitely do that.
好的！ Okay!
好的，我們走 好的，出發 Okay. Let's go. All right, let's go.
操，操，操！ Fuck, fuck, fuck!
哦，天啊，我的天啊 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
哦，天啊！ Oh, God!
哦，喔。是真的嗎？ Oh. Wow. Really?
你真想要這個？ Are you sure that's what you want?
當然，我喜歡 Absolutely. I like that.
你確定你要這個在你身上一輩子？ You're okay with that being on your body for, like, forever?
我感覺很好 I feel pretty good about it.
你下面那個呢？ How is yours down there?
很好 It's good.
只是有一點癢 It tickles a little.
裡科。嗯 Rico. Yo.
怎麼轉這個彎？ What do you think of this turn, man?
我不知道，夥計 I don't know, man.
問問湯米。湯米！ Ask Tommy. Tommy!
這了 Yeah, man.
來看看這個 Check this out, man.
你從跟我講講你的童年 You never did tell me about your childhood.
真的嗎？現在？ Really? Now?
當這些人看著你... With the Sons of Anarchy between your...
額，我們看看這... Um, let's see here...
湯米, 裡科.嘿，夥計們 Tommy, Rico. Hey, guys.
你們在觀光呢？ We are sightseeing now.
別看了，行嗎，謝謝 Let's move it along, please. Come on.
你真是個紳士 You are such a gentleman.
現在你只有一個小混混在你兩腿間了 Now you only have one ponytailed ex-convict between your legs,
一切都正常了 so everything is fine.
我開玩笑呢，我完全是開玩笑 I'm kidding. I was absolutely joking.
我愛你的馬尾辮，還有海盜鬍子 I love your ponytail. And that little pirate beard.
玩笑啦 Sun kidding.
這是我的家，這裡 That's me, there.
你住這？是的 This is you. Mmm-hmm.
嗯，看起來很棒。謝謝 Yeah, that is nice. Thanks.
嗯 Yeah.
晚安 Well, good night.
晚安 Good night.
嘿，米奇？ Hey, Mitch?
嗯 Yeah.
你還會再打給我嗎？ Are you going to call me?
你說過這不是個約會 I thought you said this wasn't a date.
事情總是在變嘛 Things change.
領帶很漂亮。謝謝 That's a cute tie. Thank you.
聚會時你應該系這條領帶 You should wear that to the party.
什麼聚會？ What party?
我們的結婚紀念日？ Our anniversary party.
結婚紀念日？為什麼我他媽... Our anniversary party? Why the fuck wasn't I...
米奇？ What about Mitch?
你說你不想讓他來的 You said you didn't want him to come.
我有嗎？你說過 I did? Yeah.
你說你真的不願見他 You said you were really embarrassed of him.
所以我才沒邀請他的 That's why I didn't invite him.
不敢相信我不記得了 I can't believe I don't remember that.
你還說過你覺得 You also said that you thought
他會把我們的 that he would get hammered
所有已婚的朋友帶壞了 把我的奶奶很重要的 and hit on all of our married friends, be mean to my grandma
整個聚會搞得亂七八糟 and turn the whole thing into a key party.
就一次啊！ Once, that happened.
你還說過他強迫每個人做自殺射擊 And you said he would force everyone to do Kamikaze shots,
嗑搖頭丸 spike the punch with ecstasy,
給每個女孩做胸部測試，還會... give all the girls breast exams and...
那都是同一次聚會 That was the same party.
嗯，不可思議 Hmm. Weird.
也許我們該談談對話之夜的糟糕記憶 Maybe we should talk about your bad memory at Dialogue Night.
斯第爾頓咖啡屋，別忘了 Stilton Coffee House tonight. Don't forget.
好的。好嗎？ Okay. Okay?
再見 Bye.
喂 Hello.
區域經理卡拉·納爾遜 This is District Manager Carla Nelson
哦，你好 Oh, yeah.
嗯，我們找到噴泉了 Well, we have found that fountain.
被遷到1100桃樹大道 It's been moved to 1100 Peachtree Boulevard.
你們找到了，好的，額... You found it. Okay, well...
好的，我們知道了 Okay, we'll be there soon.
好的，那，祝你愉快 All righty, then. Have a good day.
謝謝 Thank you.
嗨，嗨 Hi. Hi.
你好嗎？ How are you?
很好。我剛看到戴夫了 Good. Just on my way to see Dave.
有件事， Actually,
所有高層明天都會去參加仲裁 all the senior staff is going to be at the mediation tomorrow.
所以，我在弗萊明訂了座位 So, I snagged Flemming's seats
還有青槍魚隊同勇士隊的比賽 to the Marlins-Braves game.
你，我，啤酒，棒球 You, me, beer, baseball.
還能再完美點嗎？ What more could a guy want?
別這樣 Don't take this the wrong way.
我真的很想跟你去，但我... I would really love to go to that game with you, but I don't...
你要跟我分手嗎？ Are you breaking up with me?
什麼？逗你呢 What? I'm messing with you.
哦！ Oh!
聽著，只是去看場比賽 Look, it is just a baseball game.
座位很好哦 They're dugout seats.
不管你有什麼計劃，取消 Whatever you have to do, cancel it.
嘿 Hey.
他們找到噴泉了 They found the fountain.
嗯，是的，她也打給我了 Yeah, they did. She called me, too.
嗯 Yeah.
那... So...
這是好消息啊 Good news.
嗯，是個好消息 Yeah, it's good news.
真棒 Awesome.
我們是不是走，嗯，去撒尿 We should probably go, you know, take a piss.
是，對，我們走 Yeah, yeah, let's do it.
嗯 Yeah.
可是...可是？ Except... Except?
可是，仲裁在明天 Except, the mediation is tomorrow,
這些天我都為這個瘋狂的工作 and I've been working my ass off on that.
是啊，你真的很努力 Yeah, you've been working real hard on that.
我想要證明我自己 And I want to prove to myself
向別人證明 and to people
我可以 that I can see that through.
是的，你應該去，是的 And you should. Yeah.
你應該去做 You deserve that.
你這是什麼意思 What are you saying?
我們可以等一等 We could wait.
你想等？我們可以等上一天 You want to wait? We could wait a day.
推遲一天？一個星期？ Push it a day? Or a week?
我們不著急換回來，我們... We should wait to switch. We can do it...
保持一個月？嗯 A month? Yeah.
只是時間問題嘛 It's time.
有什麼不可以？ Really, what is time?
過來，戴夫 Come here, Dave.
加油，老弟 Come on, buddy.
太好啦。嗯，是啊 This went so well. Yeah, it did.
這是個驚喜 It's kind of surprising.
太驚喜了 Very surprising.
要是他們給你一個7億美金的紅包 If they offer you one red cent over $700 million,
接著吧，懂嗎？ you accept that. Got it?
對，當然，為什麼不要？ Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I?
就是 Why wouldn't you?
很好！很好！ Great! Good!
還能有更壞的嗎？不會發生什麼了 What's the worst that can happen? Nothing can happen!
我覺得很好 I think it's fine.
戴夫 洛克伍德. Dave Lockwood
你是不是忘了什麼？ Did you forget something?
你是哪位？你老婆 Who is this? Your wife.
哦 Oh.
嗯，我忘了什麼嗎？我不知道，什麼？ Ummm. Did I forget something? I don't know. What?
算了 Never mind.
明天是仲裁會，我還在準備這個 It's the mediation tomorrow, so I'm under it.
我不跟你說了 I can't play.
那，怎麼樣了？多少錢？ So, how did it go? How much money is it?
就兩個小時，14塊 Just two hours, so, 14 bucks.
很好 Great.
抱歉你被放鴿子了 Sorry you got stood up.
他全忘了 He just forgot.
對，我就是說這個 Yeah, that's what I meant.
她讓我在咖啡館等著 He forgot me at the coffee shop
我不過是想跟他說說話 when all I wanted to do was go and talk to him.
你覺得，這要求過分嗎？ Which isn't a lot to ask, do you think?
你想讓我說什麼？ What do you want me to say?
嗯，你被男人放過鴿子嗎？ Well, have you ever been stood up by a man?
沒有，貌似 Not really. Uh-huh.
我父母總是給我直接送到地方，所以，你懂的... Our parents drive us places, though, so...
底線是，卡蒂 Bottom line, Katie,
工作永遠第一 is work always comes first,
我們永遠是第二位的 and we always come second.
我認為這不會變 And I don't think that's ever going to change.
我現在要回家了 I've got to go home now
我要準備西班牙語考試，所以... because I have this Spanish test, so...
我可以給你寫個證明 I can write you a note.
我真的覺得 I guess deep down,
我一直在讓步 I'm afraid that I'll keep compromising
以至於這個男人覺得這都是我應該的 until getting the shit end feels normal.
我被打敗了 And then I'll be so beaten down by life
當時，我就想讓 that, just for a second, I will consider asking
洗車店那個長的像克里斯·克里斯托佛森的無家可歸的傢伙 the homeless guy at the car wash who looks like Kris Kristofferson
撫摸我的肩膀 to rub my shoulders.
我會那樣的，他也會 And I will, and he will.
你懂嗎？那會很美妙的 And you know what? It'll be wonderful.
而且我會很享受 And I'll love it.
為什麼不呢？ Because why not?
你看，我在這什麼都沒有 I mean, I'm not getting anything here.
沒有人滿足我 Nobody's fucking me here.
你知道嗎，卡蒂，這就是人們離婚的原因 You know, Katie, this is exactly why people get divorced.
真遺憾 I'm so sorry.
我真倒霉，我走到了這一步 I'm so sorry. That was way out of line.
你想來點冰激凌嗎？ Do you want some ice cream?
我是不是還不能離開？ I'm not getting any closer to leaving, am I?
不能 No.
喔！ Wow!
這看得可真清楚 It's looking good out there.
哈得森就愛打下墜球，他全年都在練習 Hudson loves the sinker. He's been crushing them all year.
厲害，你是個棒球行家 Listen to you, you are a big baseball fan!
對，很專業 Yeah, huge.
我之前還真不知道 I didn't know that about you.
我還是孩子時，有三年萬聖節我都扮成費裡尼克羅 I was Phil Niekro for Halloween three years in a row as a kid.
我靠！費裡尼克羅 一直是我最愛的球員了 No way! Phil Niekro is my number one favorite of all time!
為什麼我說的這麼激動？ Why is my voice so high?
謝謝你今天能來 Thank you for coming in today.
我是愛爾林·沃爾什 My name is Erin Walsh,
我將負責仲裁你們的索賠 and I'll be mediating your claim.
仲裁期間做出的所有協議都是有執行效力的 Any and all agreements made during this mediation are binding
所有權利及義務 and carry with them the full rights
都是有法律依據的 and responsibilities of the law
我們由聯邦325A法案，第四部分開始 as stated in Federal Code 325 A, Section 4.
金卡布原則上認同你們公司銷售額的條款 Kinkabe agrees in principle to the terms of the sale
以及對你們公司六億兩千五百萬的估價 and valuates your company at $625 million.
這就是他們給出的最好條件了 This is their best and final offer.
我們不可能完成合併 There is no way we can make this deal.
6.25億又不是世界末日 Six-twenty-five is not the end of the world.
你們要知道什麼時候是退出的最佳時刻 You've just got to know when it's time to quit.
別你媽吵了，我們不會退出 Fuck that noise. We are not quitting.
我覺得你能做的更好，泰德 I think you can do better, Ted.
你說什麼 I beg your pardon.
我不想看見任何人離開這裡 I don't see anybody headed for the door.
這就好像同一個 This is just like trying to fuck a Catholic girl who keeps saying,
一直喊著“不，我不要，我喝醉了，而且你也沒有割包皮”的天主教女孩上床 "No, I don't want to. I'm really drunk and you're circumcised."
但是她卻一直在挑逗你 But she keeps on making out with you,
她也不離開你 she's not leaving your Fiero...
這就說明她其實想要 It means she really wants to.
她只是想慢慢地推進 She just needs a little bit of a nudge.
這就需要一點哄騙，一點點搔癢 A little bit of a coax, little bit of a tickle.
幫她為她的上帝找個藉口 Just to rationalize it to herself, to her God.
明白我的意思嗎？ Do you know what I mean?
不，戴夫，我們當然不懂你要說什麼 No, Dave. We most definitely do not know what you mean.
好吧，我想說 Okay. What I mean is,
他們想要快點，但是他們卻不知道，懂嗎？ they want to spend more, they just don't know it, all right?
如果這是他們的最終條件 If this really was their final offer,
他們就走了，但是他們沒有 they'd be leaving, but they're not.
他們在糾結中，他們想多得一點錢 They're sticking around. They've got more money to spend.
她想拿出她放在錢包底下的橡皮 She wants to unroll that rubber at the bottom of her purse
那是她三個學期前就放好的 that she put in there three semesters ago.
那你認為我們能得到多少呢 How much more do you think we can get out of them?
一千萬？一千五？ Ten million? Fifteen?
別想這些小數目可以嗎？ Pull those panties to the side, Ted, and take a hundred more.
什麼？ What?
別聽他的，泰德，他瘋了 Do not listen to him, Ted. He is beyond reckless.
要是我們還價太多，我們就要嚇跑他們了 If we make too large a counter offer, we risk driving them away.
泰德，問一下不會怎樣的 Ted, it doesn't hurt to ask.
你不要相信這個傻逼 You would not believe the nasty shit
我們就問一下 I get these girls to do, just by asking.
說實話，這樣是不按常理出牌 Honestly, it's revolting.
他們不走才怪 It does seem odd that they're not leaving.
把他們按在座位上 Punch her in the seat.
你跟金卡布說我們還要多要1億 You can tell Kinkabe we want an extra 100 million.
這是我們的最終條件，不同意我們就離開了 And that is our final offer, because we're leaving.
收拾東西，我們走 Fuel the jet, let's go.
你要記住，我不支持這個決定 For the record, I did not support that decision.
先生 Sir!
先生，金卡布同意多加一億了 Sir, Mr. Kinkabe has agreed to $725 million.
合併完成了！ The deal is closed!
哦，天啊！ Oh, my God!
我就跟你說嘛！ What did I tell you?
哦，天啊！ Oh, my God!
哦，我滴神啊！ Oh, my God!
喔 Wow.
到這來高興嗎？ Are you glad you came now?
到這來我高興嗎？這是我一輩子最好的一天 Am I glad I came? It's like the greatest day of my life!
怎麼突然下雨了？ Where did that come from?
等下，等下，好了 Hang on, hang on, I got it.
哦，不，他們要取消比賽了 Oh, no, they are going to call it.
哦，真的太棒了，我不敢相信他們成了我的合夥人 Man, this is amazing. I can't believe they're making me partner.
我是最好的律師，有史以來 I'm the greatest lawyer, ever.
真完美的一天 What a day.
嗯，現在你高興了 So, now you can be happy.
你覺得他們會不會給我一塊金牌？ Do you think they are going to give me a medal?
一把雕刻的劍？ Could you imagine an engraved sword?
真的，我喜歡任何雕刻的東西 Honestly, I'd be happy with anything engraved.
一把劍或矛 A sword or a spear.
盾牌也可以啊 Even a shield would be good.
鼓掌，卡拉，卡拉 Slap it, Cara. Cara.
我們今晚齊聚一堂 We are gathered here tonight
來慶祝我們事務所全新的夥伴關係 to celebrate the newest partner in our esteemed firm.
大衛·安德魯·洛克伍德 David Andrew Lockwood
生於1974年3月25日 was born on March 25th, 1974.
大家都說，戴夫是個很友善 By all accounts, Dave was a sweet,
勤奮，努力工作的小夥子 diligent, hardworking little boy.
喔 Wow.
嗯，我知道 Yeah, I know.
我愛這裡 I love it.
為什麼 Why?
讓我想起了高中 It reminds me of high school.
我感覺我就要破處了 I feel like I'm about to lose my virginity.
浴室在哪？ Bathroom?
嗯，那邊 Yeah, right there.
你想喝點什麼嗎？ Do you want a drink or something?
我給你找件乾衣服還是給你弄點喝的 Or warm clothes or I can get you a drink?
不用，沒事，我們做完再說 No, it's okay. We'll have one after.
好的，做完什麼 Okay. After what?
放鬆，米奇，你今晚要睡地上了 Relax, Mitch, you're going to get laid tonight.
在高中，戴夫以全班第一名的名次畢業 In high school, Dave graduated first in his class.
之後取得普林斯頓大學的全額獎學金 After winning a full scholarship to Princeton,
戴夫，令人吃驚的，在畢業僅僅三年後 Dave, amazingly, graduated in just three years.
在以優異成績從耶魯法學院畢業後 And after graduating from Yale Law School with honors,
戴夫成為了公訴人
美國最高法院的 on the United States Supreme Court.
工作壓力大 Work is hard.
我要看棒球比賽 I like going to baseball games
喝個大醉，然後凌晨三點去紋身 and drinking too much, and getting tattoos at 3:00 in the morning.
嗯 Yeah.
靴子，脫下 Boot. Take it off.
我們不是被生出來工作，養孩子，死亡的 We were not put on this earth to work, breed and die.
不，當然...別打斷我，帥哥 No, we were not... Don't interrupt me, handsome.
我們是來享樂的 We are here to have fun.
對嗎？嗯 Right? Yeah.
靴子 Boot.
我認為這個世界有太多的規定了 I just think there's too many rules.
好好想想我們錯過了多少精彩啊 Think about all the amazing experiences that we miss out on
都是因為我們太在意別人怎麼看我們 because we're so worried about what other people will think.
為什麼我不能成為成功的職業女性？ Why can't I be a professional, successful woman
和她剛剛碰面的人上床 who sleeps with someone she just met?
你知道嗎？ You know?
從你脫了褲子 I haven't heard a word you said
我就一個字都沒聽見 since you took your pants off.
衣服 Shirt.
你聞起來想檸檬 You smell like lemons.
我聞起來就是想檸檬 I do smell like lemons.
哦，天啊，你很緊張，我喜歡 Oh, God, you're nervous. I like that.
你的退在抖 Your leg is shaking.
那不是我的腿 That's not my leg.
摘掉我的胸罩 Take off my bra.
全摘下？ All Of it?
遮住我乳房的那部分 Just the parts covering the breasts.
很好的開始 That's a good start.
哦，真棒 Oh, that's great.
每天工作完 At the end of the day...
我操！ Holy shit!
我都懶得脫掉我身上的衣服 ...I am just tired of over-thinking things.
我也懶得脫衣服 I'm tired of over-thinking things, too.
我們想做什麼就做什麼 We should just do what we want to do.
我們開始吧。我們開始吧 Let's do it. Let's just do it.
是唯一對戴夫比法律更有吸引力的了 The only thing Dave loves more than the law
傑米，戴夫美麗的妻子 is his beautiful wife, Jamie.
他們的生活像童話一般 Their life is like a fairy tale
而三個可愛的孩子讓他們的生活更顯完美 made even more perfect by their three adorable children.
所以，當我們今晚慶祝夥伴關係... So, as we celebrate one partnership tonight...
看，老爸，是你和我 Look, Daddy, it's you and me.
...讓大多數人放棄 ...would bring most men to their knees,
但戴夫不會 but not Dave.
他勝於任何人 He excelled on all fronts,
大大超過我們大家 putting the rest of us to shame.
我不配這個 I didn't earn this.
法律也許是戴夫思考的頭等大事 The law may be the first thing on Dave's mind,
但他的家人才是他內心深處的真正眷戀 but his family has always been the first thing in his heart.
我們應該做什麼，米奇？ What should we do with each other, Mitch?
哦，天啊，什麼都要 Oh, God, everything.
我們... We could...
那是不是... Is that a...
是不是斑點蝶 Is that a many-spotted skipperling?
是 Yeah.
嗯 Mmm.
你想怎樣都可以 You can have whatever you want.
你想做什麼 What do you want to do?
我想回家 I want to go home.
什麼？ What?
我想要回家 I want to go home.
什麼？我... What? I don't...
我有一個會議，我要走了 I got a meeting. I got to go.
洛克伍德住宅 Lockwood residence.
戴夫呢 Where is Dave?
戴夫在城郊俱樂部，他成了合夥人 Dave is at the country club. They made him partner.
一名優秀的律師 A brilliant attorney,
貼心的丈夫 loving husband,
無私的父親 devoted father.
請允許由我 It is my distinct honor
向你們介紹 to introduce to you,
我們的新合夥人，大衛·洛克伍德 our newest partner, David Lockwood.
去吧，戴夫 Way to go, Dave.
恭喜你，戴夫 Congratulations, Dave.
你應得的 You deserve it.
這不是我的生活 This is not my life.
她是不是親錯人了 ls she kissing the wrong guy?
我知道很奇怪，但是請繼續吧 I know it's weird. Just go with it.
我們要告訴你 We tried to tell you.
你準備好去撒尿了？ You ready to take a piss?
當然 You bet your ass I am.
我愛你，小寶貝 I love you, pumpkin.
你確定是這裡？ Are you sure this is the address?
對，是這裡 Yeah, this is the place.
開玩笑嗎？哦，喔 You got to be kidding me. Oh, wow.
我滴個神啊，全城的人都在這了 Jesus Christ, it's like the whole city is in here tonight.
沒事，我們做我們的，來 Okay, let's just do this. Come on.
我們應該怎麼做？ How are we supposed to get this done?
我們只要很淡定的... You just be super cool...
不要管別人 and don't draw attention to yourself.
你怎麼還不尿？ Why aren't you peeing?
我周圍全是人 I got a lot of people around me.
別衝我喊叫，我尿不出來了 Don't yell at me. I'm all locked up.
根本沒人看到我們，沒事 No one is even looking at us. We're fine.
媽媽，那個男的向噴泉尿尿 Mommy, that man is peeing in the fountain!
哦，天啊 Oh, my God.
沒什麼秘密了，老弟，你就尿你的吧 The cat is out of the bag, buddy. You got to go now.
你怎麼不拍張照？米奇！ Why don't you take a picture? Mitch!
我靠！ Come on!
斬斷。米奇！米奇！ It's snipped. Mitch! Mitch!
對了，你為什麼不要請我去結婚紀念日的聚會 By the way, why didn't you invite me to your anniversary party?
好吧，聽著 Okay, look...
我這的很抱歉 I feel really bad about that
但是我們能不嫩換個時間按在談這事 but can we talk about that at another time?
那有個小女孩在看著我的弟弟 There is a girl scout staring at my penis.
我現在就要知道 I want to talk about it right now.
真的？ Really?
你是不是討厭我？ Are you embarrassed of me?
對不起，是的，是，我之前是 I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, I was.
但我現在不這麼想了 But I'm not any more.
我真的為你驕傲，米奇 I'm actually proud of you, Mitch.
真的？ Really?
這的 Really.
好吧 Attaboy!
這個問題讓我沒法尿出來 I think that's what had me all locked up.
嘿！ Hey!
操，我們被保安發現了 Shit, we got security on us.
我們要快點 We got to do this right now.
三,二,一 Three, two, one...
我們想要回到原來的生活 I wish I had my old life back!
他們在說什麼？ What did they say?
你有什麼感覺嗎？沒，再來一遍 Do you feel any different? No, go again.
我想要回到原來的生活！ I wish I had my old life back!
哦，靠！幹什麼呢，嘿！ Oh, shit! Come on, guy!
我們沒多少時間了。3，2,1 We are running out of time here. Three, two, one...
我們要回到原來的生活！ I wish I had my old life back!
好了！很好！我們走，這邊！ Bingo! Nice! Let's go, this way!
我們在那麼多人面前撒尿，慢點 I'm peeing all over people, slow down!
小心！ Watch it!
不好意思，抱歉。什麼 Excuse me, I'm sorry. Pardon me.
哦，天吶 Oh, my God.
哦，天吶。哦，天吶。哦，天吶 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
哦，感謝上帝。哦，感謝上帝 Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.
小寶貝！寶貝，我回來了 Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I'm back.
小寶貝，醒醒 Pumpkin, wake up.
醒醒，寶貝，我回來了，我回來了 Can you wake up, baby? I'm back, I'm back.
哦，天啊，我想死你啦，哦，親愛的 Oh, my God, I missed you so much. Oh, honey.
好了，我昨晚欠你一個解釋 Okay, I owe you an explanation for last night.
為這一周的事我要向你道歉 I owe you an apology for this week.
最重要的是，我要彌補這五年我的過錯 And most importantly, I owe you a fix for the last five years.
親愛的，我知道錯了，我保證 Honey, things are changing, I promise.
你和孩子們是我的一切，沒有更重要的了 You and the kids mean everything to me. Nothing is more important.
而且，我要辭掉我的工作 In fact, I'm going to quit my job.
我今天就去，我辭掉工作 I'm going to work today, I'm going to quit my job.
我去錦子這種小公司投簡歷，好嗎？ I'm going to apply to Kinko's, all right?
或者雞肉快餐連鎖店或者幸福屋餐廳？停，停，停 Or maybe Chick-fil-A or Waffle House? Whoa, whoa, whoa!
等下，先等下。體育運動用品網絡零售商？ Hold on, just a second. Foot Locker?
現在是半夜，噓 It is the middle of the night. Shh.
好了，我不知道你們兩個傻瓜是怎麼了 All right, I don't know what's going on with you two dorks.
夠了 That's enough.
我不要你去辭職 I don't want you to quit your job.
什麼意思？ What are you talking about?
你愛你的工作，你愛法律 You love your job and you love the law.
我愛你這樣 I love that about you.
我只想你回家吃晚飯 I just want you to come home for dinner.
我懂。交流之夜 I know. And Dialogue Night.
照看孩子 And to see the kids.
我想讓你待在家 And I want you to want to be here.
我會的 I do. You have no idea.
你用不著放棄一切，比如 You don't have to get all, like,
“我要辭職” "I'm going to quit my job."
到我了。不不不 It's my turn. No, no, no.
接著睡吧，我來搞定 Back to bed. They're mine.
我愛你 I love you.
嗨！ Hi!
看看誰醒了 Look who's up.
早上好 Good morning.
你好，我的小帥哥 Hi, my little man.
你好嗎，小王子？ And how are you this morning, little princess?
早上好 Good morning.
睡得怎麼樣？ How was your sleep?
嗯，我知道 Yeah, I know.
好的，她先來 Okay, she's first.
她的聲音更大 She's a little bit more vocal.
好嗎？ Right?
你有什麼驚喜給我嗎 Are you trying to tell me you've got a little surprise?
有什麼特別的嗎？ Did you make me something special?
老爸 Daddy.
嗨，小美女，過來 Hi, sugarbug, come here.
抱抱我，親愛的 Give me a hug, sweetie.
早上好 Good morning.
枕頭的味道 You smell like a pillow.
去那邊，陪我聊聊，坐到那邊 Stay here, talk to me. Sit on that chair.
跟我說說學校的事 Tell me about school.
今天學到什麼了？ I want to know what you learned yesterday, okay?
我什麼都想知道 And I want to hear everything.
你知道原子比一粒沙子還小嗎？ Did you know that atoms are smaller than a grain of sand?
真的？ How amazing is that?
太驚人了！ So amazing!
地球上的每樣東西都是原子構成的 And everything on this planet is made out of atoms.
怎麼會這樣 Which is kind of strange
因為我覺得這就是說我和一片水果沒什麼區別 because I think that means that I'm the same as a piece of fruit
或者是一條魚 or a fish
一把椅子！ or this chair!
我又回來了，天啊。感謝上帝，感謝上帝 I'm me. God, I'm me. Thank you. Thank you.
上帝，看看，太棒了！ God, look at that. Gorgeous!
天啊，變回來真是太好了！ God, it's so good to be back!
哦，耶！ Oh, yeah.
歡迎回家，我想你了 Welcome home. I missed you.
看看這個，完美的兩顆蛋蛋 Look at that, two perfectly shorn balls.
你們好 Hi.
我把錢包忘在這了，我本該打個電話的... I left my purse. I would have called but...
但是你的手機在錢包裡 But you left your phone in your purse.
嗯，是的 Yeah. Right.
我是想道歉，因為， I just wanted to apologize, because I know
我昨晚可能有一點太...主動了 that I probably came off a little aggressive last night,
我想要說聲對不起 and I just wanted to say sorry.
不 No.
不用抱歉，是我的不好 Don't apologize. I apologize.
昨晚我可能剛從一個同性戀手中逃脫 I probably came off a little gay last night.
我希望你能再給我一次機會 I hope you will allow me the opportunity to straighten things out for you.
嘿，對了，該吃早餐了 Hey, guess what? It's breakfast time.
一起去吃點早餐 Do you want to get some breakfast?
好啊 Yeah.
敬愛的人們，我們在上帝的注視下齊聚一堂 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God
來見證這對新人在這裡... to unite this man and this woman in the...
米奇 ,你來啦 Mitch, you came.
我很感動，真的很感動。謝謝 I'm very, very touched. Thank you.
沒什麼，老爸 You're welcome, Dad.
哦！ Ooh!
我操！你一定就是我的新媽媽了 Fuck me! This must be my new mom.
你好，我是米奇·普隆科 Hi, Mitch Planko.
很好。謝謝 Good. Thank you.
她握得太緊了 She's holding onto me.
很好，好的，鬆開 Okay, good, let go.
離這個人遠點，他是個墮落的人 Keep away from him. The man's a pervert.
結婚紀念日快樂，傑米 戴夫！ Happy anniversary, Jamie and Dave!
大家好，先自我介紹一下，我是米奇·普隆科 For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mitch Planko.
我和那個傻逼十年前就是最好的兄弟了 I was that nut sack's best man 10 years ago.
開始了 Here we go.
當我們還是孩子，我和戴夫，我們有很多偉大的計劃 When we were kids, Dave and I, we had a lot of big plans.
戴夫，他要成為宇航員 Dave, he was going to be an astronaut,
而我要到黑市去販賣海豚 and I was going to sell dolphins on the black market.
宇航員！ Astronaut!
我有理由沒去販賣海豚 There's a reason I'm not selling dolphins.
我們在亞特蘭大，這裡沒有海豚 We live in Atlanta, they're tough to find.
而且海豚這東西，從不睡覺 And those things, they don't sleep,
很難抓到他們 which also makes it real hard to catch them.
但我想我們都知道 But I think that we all know
生活常常不按我們的計劃進行 that life doesn't always turn out exactly how you plan it.
有時 Sometimes,
僅僅是有時 just sometimes,
它會變好 it turns out better.
戴夫，想一個 Dave, think there's a reason
你現在沒在月球上漫步的藉口吧 that you're not walking on the moon right now.
那是因為你屬於這裡 It's because you belong here,
這是你的生活 in your life,
同你身邊這個不可思議的女人坐在一起 with that incredible woman sitting beside you.
我們能舉起酒杯 Can we please raise our Kamikaze shots
向我們最好的朋友致敬，好嗎？ to my two best friends, please?
敬戴夫和傑米！ To Dave and Jamie.
敬戴夫和傑米！ Dave and Jamie!
結婚紀念日快樂！ Happy anniversary.
結婚紀念日快樂！ Happy anniversary!
我講的怎麼樣？你就是個詩人 How did I do? You're such a poet.
你簡直就是羅伯特·弗羅斯特。那是誰？ You're Robert Frost. Who?
無所謂啦，天啊，你長得可真帥 It doesn't matter. God, you're good looking.
嗯 Yeah.
我五分鐘後來找你。好的 I'm going to meet you in five minutes. All right.
嗯 Okay.
我要來看看你們兩個 I took care of you guys, huh?
我們愛你 We love you.
哦... Oh...
嘿，別這樣 Come on. Really?
嘿，老兄，我愛你 Hey, buddy. I love you.
我愛你，老弟 I love you, man.
家裡的事怎麼樣？不錯吧 How are things going at home? Good?
嗯，嗯，那當然 Yeah. I mean, come on.
必須的，很棒，太好啦 Yeah. Yeah, it's great. It's fantastic.
嗯，好 Good. Yeah.
你呢？跟塞布麗娜怎麼樣？ What about you? What about Sabrina?
很好，都很好， Good. It's good. We're taking things slow, but it's good.
好奇怪啊我居然想念你的基基了 Is it weird that I miss your penis?
行了，你不想才奇怪呢 Come on. It would be weird if you didn't.
我們在做什麼？ What are we doing here?
做這個 We're doing this.
嗯？ Huh?
米奇叔叔請的 A little treat from Uncle Mitch.
你還記得怎麼抽嗎？ Do you remember how to do this?
好的 okay.
哦 Oh.
我知道，嗯 I know. Mmm.
還是很有意思的，是吧? it's fun, though, right?
是！我們去看看魚 Yay! Let's go look at some fish.
好的 Okay.
哦我的神啊 Oh, God!
噢，額滴神啊！ Oh, my God!
哦！剛剛怎麼了？ Ow! What the hell was that? Oh.
怎麼了 Explain yourself!
你從沒聽說過布賴恩特·岡貝爾？ You've never heard of the Bryant Gumbel?
我們才來一次 Let's do that again.
為什麼 Why?
米奇給我們寄了個錄像，嗯？真奇怪 Mitch sent us a video. Yeah? That's weird.
禁止入內 No entry!
史蒂夫·德來富，你這個變態，你！ Steve Driver, you perfect bastard, you!
哦，不 Oh, no.
哦，史蒂夫，搞得我好爽啊！ Oh, Steve, it's like Christmas in my ass!
你在對我的老婆幹什麼？ What are you doing with my wife, man?
迪米特裡?嘿，加入性愛俱樂部吧 Dimitri? Hey, join the fuck party.
我們做一個女人三明治 Let's make lady sandwich. Okay.
哦，天啊，做的不是很好，嗯？ Oh, my God. Not very well made, huh?
這是什麼時候拍的？誰知道？幾年前吧 When was that shot? Who Knows? Probably years ago.
感謝你上周救了我，謝謝你幫刮毛 "Thank you for covering me last week. Love what you did with my hair."
嘿！ Hey!
你被那個男人搞了？ You got with a man?
迪米特裡很紳士的，我們什麼都沒做 Dimitri was surprisingly gentle, and we were very safe.
哈哈 Uh-huh.
他聞起來像一隻小羊 He smelt a little like lamb, though.
這拍攝的還是挺真實的。別說了，上帝，求你了 That pooper shot looked real. No. God, please, don't!
真的是。哦，上帝 It did. Oh, God.
戴夫？什麼？ Dave? What?
你能讓我那裡爽爽嗎？ Can you change my oil?
不，不能！ No, I can't!
我明天手指會斷掉的，我發誓 I'm gonna cut my thumbs off tomorrow, I swear to God.
我們明早第一件事就是把那個毀掉 And we're gonna destroy that thing first thing in the morning. Okay?
我不想，我喜歡 I don't want you to. I like it.
噢，嘿...，好像變大了噢！ Hey, hey! Oh! It's growing in so nicely.
嗯，真起來了 Yeah. Real in-between phase.
臥底警探出場了 It's like Sonny Crockett down there.