THREE T PRODUCTIONS (Russia) CAMERA ONE (France)
Nikita MIKHALKOV and Michel SEYDOUX present
JULIA ORMOND
OLEG MENSHIKOV
ALEXEY PETRENKO
RICHARD HARRIS
in a NIKITA MIKHALKOV film
THE BARBER OF SIBERIA
Vladimir Ilyin, Daniel Olbrychsky Anna Mikhalkova
Marina Neelova, Avangard Leontyev Elizabeth Spriggs, Mac Macdonald
Evgeny Steblov, Leonid Kuravlev Robert Hardy, Vladimir Zaitsev
Marat Basharov, Nikita Tatarenkov Artyom Mikhalkov, Georgy Dronov
and Nikita Mikhalkov as Emperor Alexander III
Created by Nikita MIKHALKOV
Written by Rustam IBRAGIMBEKOV Nikita MIKHALKOV
Original music by Edward ARTEMYEV
Director of Photography Pavel LEBESHEV
Production Designer Vladimir ARONIN
Executive Producer Leonid VERESHCHAGIN
Produced by Nikita MIKHALKOV, Michel SEYDOUX
Directed by Nikita MIKHALKOV
THE BARBER OF SIBERIA
The company, on the train! Scatter and forward march!
First unit to the first car.
Captain, that is impossible! This is a first class car!
Then you should guard it better.
Ah, gentlemen! First class! It smells exotic!
I bet there must be a spare compartment. Come on, gentlemen!
Come back! Where are you going?
Where did they all go?
Fools!
Oh boy, Gentlemen, I wouldn't marry her for sure.
- Gentlemen, why did she start singing? - God knows, from ecstasy.
Why have we left that place?
- Who left first? - I did, but you all followed me.
Great! We could all be riding first class with Tolstoy now.
Excuse me... Captain!
Gentlemen, I think it's serious there.
Why are you so aroused? This isn't war time after all.
- Captain, what's happened? - Nothing, everything's fine.
Pardon.
- Cadet Tolstoy! - Captain, Your Honor!
Our cadets are coming from shooting range!
Good!
Company, attention! Present arms!
- How do you do, Cadets! - Good afternoon, Your Excellency!
What is the general doing here?
He came to see you drunk.
What a shame - Anna Karenina got Tolstoy snockered.
I'm not drunk!
I'm happy!
Forward march!
Watch out!
Clear the way! Your Excellency!
An attempt on the senator!
Cadets! Distribute cartridges! Check stairways and roofs!
Get away!
Don't shoot unless necessary! Don't get in the way of bullets!
Stay here!
Cover us! Come on! There they are!
Alibekov! Buturlin! Go to the courtyard!
Hands up!
Don't do this.
I'll never do it again!
Why? Why have you?
Please!
Thank you.
All of them have been caught!
All of them! One was on the roof.
Andrey! All of them...
Are you all right?
Time to line up.
Quails!
MADAM QUAIL'S BOARDING SCHOOL FOR NOBLE MAIDENS
Come to the ball, Quails!
Ladies, let's better repeat the conjugation.
What's the matter, cadets?
Attention! About face!
Forward march!
Your posture, gentlemen! Hold up your posture, please!
Number one-two and form two lines!
Ones will be ladies, twos will be gentlemen!
Gentlemen, hold up your bearing. Your bearing, please!
Stop!
Left face! Right face!
Lower chairs!
About face!
Gentlemen, now go to the exercise "Gentlemen Invite Ladies"!
Change legs!
Lead your ladies with confidence. Gently! Like that!
We've got Tolstoy to thank for this.
He was drinking champagne with Anna Karenina
and we are standing here like storks.
What does this have to do with my drinking champagne?
And, incidentally, count, I carried you when you were drunk.
- When? - Well, like this...
Oh, yes...
Line up, gentlemen! Stomachs in!
Look ahead of you! Chins up!
Flexibility, gentlemen! Flexibility!
Change legs!
Left face!
Anna Karenina!
Good afternoon!
Thank you!
As you were! Attention!
This isn't a military school. It's a zoo!
First we stand like storks, then we're down on all fours.
And now this stinking wax. "Wax Surprise".
"Especially for high class balls.
Wax 'Surprise' will keep you cheerful through the ball..."
Its smell has been keeping us cheerful since morning.
That's right.
Your Excellency, there is a lady to see you.
What lady?
- A foreign lady. - Let her in.
Bring me an English dictionary.
Stop that noise!
What's going on here?
The "stork" detail of the second company
has completed waxing the floor!
She's come to fetch her fan.
- What is going on here? - We prepare the ball-room!
- Your orders are to wax the floor. - We have already done this...
Back to work. Wax the floor!
Your Excellency, direct line to the Grand Duke.
May I go?
Tell the Countess there's no question the ball will be held.
As usual.
Did you find what I ordered?
As usual.
The general is coming!
What is going on here, gentlemen?
The punished "stork" detail is waxing the floor.
- Oh, yes. Proceed. - Yes, Sir!
Your Excellency, I've found it.
Alexander the Great, which you ordered.
You oaf!
What's wrong, mother?
My God, Andrey! Why he is at home? This means something must have happened!
Good afternoon, Uncle Nicholas.
Nothing happened.
I've asked for a 15 minutes excuse from the school.
But what happened?
In private? We have no secrets from uncle Nicholas.
Speak up, I do not want to miss the train.
I am playing Lady Macbeth in Warsaw. Though I don't think it interests you.
It does, very much.
I just need some cash, only 3 rubles.
Cape! I can't go without my cape.
Ah, here it is.
So, you are saying just 3 rubles?
Nicholas, this is what I was always saying...
- Shall I bring tea? - We've already had our tea.
You young people nowadays are so...
- Where is my cigarette holder? - It's right here, mother.
Young people... there, you carry matches, hence you must be smoking!
- I don't smoke, Mother. - You do!
Tell me, my dear Andrey,
do you ever think how hard my life is?
It's only 3 rubles, Mother.
And I sacrificed my career for you...
Have a nice trip, Mother.
Where's that thing I take when I don't feel well?
Yes, and I turned down you know...
Andrey, would you...
Gone. To whom am I talking to? No 'hello' for you, no 'fare you well'.
I still think it's more effective this way!
Only 3 rubles to fix the fan.
Here are 3 rubles.
Please take. You'll pay me back later.
Thank you. I'll pay you back. Honestly, I will.
I must fix a thing which I broke.
Thank you. I'll surely pay back.
- Dear Liza, your band is untied. - Thank you, dear Masha.
"Sur-prise". Unexpectedness.
They could have written it in Russian.
They did it on purpose.
Why isn't the orchestra playing?
The guests refuse to dance: The floor is slippery, it's very dangerous.
Please do something!
Play anything!
Maestro, somebody's stolen our rosin.
- Send for it! - We've already done it.
Hurry up!
Kitty, come here, what a cute puppy!
Gentlemen, here's a velvet ribbon.
More of this stuff, I am heavy.
My father used rosin when he went hunting.
So that his boot won't slip out of the stirrup.
Serve your homeland, Kitty.
She smells of perfume!
Tolstoy, hurry up! Anna Karenina is freezing without dancing!
Buturlin, stop sniffing! They all are alive upstairs.
Tolstoy, what's the matter with you?
Cadets!
Attention! Left face!
The rosin!
Ladies and gentlemen! Get ready for a waltz!
Gentlemen invite ladies!
Maestro! Waltz!
Cadets!
Give it to me too.
- Ready? - Yes, Sir!
Ladies! And one!
One! Two!
Turn around! And one!
One! Two!
Hurry up, in pairs!
Gone to dorms! Au revoir, cadets!
So I start an investigation of my old doubts
as to how progressive corsets are.
And discover that she isn't wearing one.
Even more so: I couldn't find any bodice either.
But then under her left shoulder blade I find a little mole.
Tolstoy, would you like to tell anything about the mole?
It was not shown to you on the train?
Count, I ask you to stop it!
Why are you always "asking me to", Tolstoy?
- "Arch"...what is it? ...arch her back.
Gentlemen, I can't tell you the story looking at this face.
I'll tell you the rest when he's asleep.
Andrey!
Cadet Tolstoy reports back from leave! No incidents!
Cadet Polievsky reports back from leave! No incidents!
- You escorted them home? - Yes, Sir!
Andrey, you are not really annoyed, are you?
Count, I don't have your title or your experience,
but to speak of Miss Callaghan
in such a tone is inexcusable.
Andrey, what's the matter? What did I say wrongly?
You too could say funny words about that "boxcar" you danced with.
It's been an honor, count.
- Tolstoy, are you serious? - I'm quite serious.
He's coming!
One, two, three, four, five...
thirteen, fourteen, fifteen...
Cadets!
- Good morning! - How do you do, Your Honour!
Cadets!
Saint Helen.
Count, you are a meanie. I am at your service.
Well, there are two old canons in the yard.
Let's duel with them.
- Tolstoy, rehearsal in an hour. - All right!
Maybe we can finally blow up the whole school.
I am not joking.
You know what will happen if anyone finds out we're dueling?
At dawn in the gymnasium. You choose the weapon.
- I waive this right to you. - Swords.
Tolstoy, don't take the risk. I fence better than you.
We'll see it there. At 4 a.m. In the gymnasium.
Just don't oversleep.
All right, Tolstoy. Put your leg down.
Take a break. I won't tell anyone.
If you don't want, I can't make you to.
Change legs!
Lord, have mercy...
Fools!
Lord, have mercy...
Not a duel... God forbid.
That'll be the end of them. They'll be brought on trial.
It sounded like someone was fencing. What if it's a duel?
Lord, have mercy...
Everyone on trial...
If the Grand Duke hears of it - Court Martial!
If the Grand Duke finds out, we will all be held responsible.
You will be the first to answer.
Do you hear that?
...now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
What are you doing, Captain?
I'm honing my touch. I never have the time during the day.
- Pavel Timofeyevich... - Nikolai Karlovich...
You idiot!
Carry on!
You would wake up the Czar himself, wouldn't you. Idiot!
- Mokin, really... - I'm honing my touch.
trouble ...
What a trouble!
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
Quiet, whippersnappers!
My mother... mama won't be able to bear this.
This time you won't die. What's in blood - take it away!
What's wrong with your arm? Follow me.
Fools! Whippersnappers! Do you want to be tried?
Shipped off to Pakistan for ten years as privates like I was?
Thank God and remember: It was not a duel!
An accident, rehearsing 'Figaro", a joke. But never a duel!
Now go to bed!
- Oh, the sword! - Give it to me.
You dumb musketeers!
What going to happen?
Me? No!
- What's that? - Shrovetide.
Kuzma, turn to the fair!
Great Lent.
- Soushka! - Booblik!
Very good!
Red caviar... black caviar...
Please.
- Pancakes. - Pancakes.
Very good!
- Got it? - Got it. Excellent!
All right then.
Pour us a glass!
"Smirnoff". A full glass.
One more.
Again.
Herein, I have the honour of informing Your Excellency
of my decision to withdraw from the Military School
without having completed a full course of study.
- What are you thinking of, Cadet? - Write.
I will not write such a thing.
It's been an honour...
Very well then.
I shall do it myself.
The Tolstoys don't change their...
decisions.
Cadets!
Excuse me, Miss. Have you found Polievsky?
Come here!
Look at this.
He's on a binge - "zapoi".
Za-poi.
"Za-poi?" "You sing?" How stupid!
Zapoi, gentlemen!
Wait a minute, officers!
Oh, young officers!
He's drunk?
Oh, my God, he has! And his cap, in what way - this way?
Yes, right.
Potemkin, you're mine now!
No, Your Majesty, the war is not over yet.
Barbaric nation! What an uncivilized tribe!
Aide-de-camp! Prisoner Potemkin is to be wounded and taken away!
Napoleon! He escaped from the island by crossing the ice!
Hold on, Potemkin!
I'll bring him to the Czar. Take him alive!
Wait, Your Excellency. Put on your cap.
Hold on, Potemkin!
Watch out!
I can't. I have a contract.
I'll give you money.
Load the case-shot! Fire!
Fire!
Load the case-shot! Fire!
Ah, my little Napoleon! I'll catch you!
Clear the way!
Oh, good Lord!
Gentlemen, let me through!
I'll take him to the Czar!
Fire!
Caught him!
BROAD SHROVETIDE
Jane.
Your Excellency, here it is.
Happy holiday. Forgive me for the love of Christ.
- What for? - It's the Sunday of Forgiveness.
God will forgive you. Forgive me too, the sinner.
- Who are you? - Who am I? I am Napoleon.
Don't you know?
Where am I?
In Russia, Your Excellency.
Good morning and happy holiday!
Happy holiday!
God forgive me, the sinner.
God will forgive you.
...and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
Angels breaking fast, gentlemen.
Pancakes!
God will forgive you.
You never caroused like that when you were young.
- You tied a policeman to a chair. - I don't remember.
- You teased the bear. - I don't remember.
You took away a ball from the elephant at the circus.
What is that?
When I was a baby my mother dropped me.
- That's what it is! - Ah! Your mother...
To a hole in the ice! Let's go!
Thank God, you've come to your senses.
To a hole!
Everything is burning inside!
Again!
Again, Kuzma!
Forgive me!
Forgive me, Kuzma!
To the bath-house!
Let's go!
O, Lord! I'm late!
Where have you been? Take your place!
They are coming, gentlemen!
Listen!
Attention! Eyes left!
Present arms!
Good morning, Cadets!
Good morning, Your Im-pe-ri-al Ma-je-sty!
Good morning, Cadets!
Highness...
Good morning, Your Im-pe-ri-al High-ness!
I congratulate you with the first step
on the path of glorious service to Russia!
Hurrah!
Order arms!
Good morning, my dear brother. Let us look at your cadets.
- You have quite a belly, general. - Your Imperial Majesty...
- I'll see yours next week. - We are ready, Your Majesty.
Junior officers, remember:
The goal is not to stand before a bullet.
Bravery is patience.
Patience in danger -
this is victory!
The Russian soldier is brave,
upstanding and patient.
That's why he is invincible!
Love your Russian soldier!
Protect him!
Good luck to you,
Cadets!
Hurrah!
God save the Czar,
Strong and powerful.
Reign in the glory,
In glory for us!
Reign for the foes to fear
Our Orthodox Czar.
God save the Czar,
God save the Czar!
Stop here!
- Cadet! - Your Excellency!
- Where are you going? - It's not far from here...
I'm on my way to propose, to ask for a lady's hand and heart.
Strange, isn't it? Silly.
Congratulations, Your Excellency.
You're young, Cadet. You can't understand.
But please help me.
You know my English is poor. Help me.
Stop!
I read some poems, copied them...
What's the matter? When will you have a chance to be a general's matchmaker?
Forward!
My boy, read it properly.
Forgive me, Nikolai Karlovich.
I am late, very late.
Shall I serve tea?
Stop!
Make it fast to the school!
Mind your arms, gentlemen, and your legs! The performance is tomorrow!
Cadet, stop it! You won't be able to squeeze into your dress.
Tolstoy, what are you going to do with your hair?
What?
It's not here, Your Excellency.
Here it is!
Roll call!
We're rehearsing 'Figaro', Your Excellency.
Right dress!
Attention! Eyes center!
- Your Excellency... - As you were!
Junior officer Tolstoy! Five steps forward!
Cadets! Do you know who is standing before you?
You think it's junior officer Tolstoy? No!
It's a liar, a true deceiver!
A thief would not have done what he has done.
Cheat a lady from abroad out of expensive item
on the pretext of repairing it.
The lowest vermin would have been ashamed.
But junior officer Tolstoy was not ashamed to do it!
Urchin! Deprived me of my life!
Dunyasha!
Coming!
Andrey Alexeyevich, it's you?
I drank up your three rubles. I saved to pay back and squandered it.
But please, don't be angry with me.
Because now it's all over.
- Andrey Alexeyevich! - What is it, Dunyasha?
You are expected.
By whom? Mother is here?
No.
Then who?
Do we have anything to eat?
I could serve cold veal and mushrooms.
- Has that lady been here long? - For a long time.
I'll be upstairs. And something to drink, okay?
That's all we have. We didn't expect guests.
Thank you, I...
Yes.
They are all asleep.
Reveille!
What do you mean "reveille"? Who shouted? It's only 4:45.
Everybody back to sleep! Cadet Shanshiev, one hour of "stork"!
Why should you sleep when your friend is getting married?
I'm sorry anyway.
Get back, you stand on my score!
You'll burn your balls, Suzanne!
The Grand Duke is pleased.
Go ahead, my dear husband.
Countess, your back is like a gun carriage. Let me see.
Not bad.
Did you like it, my boy?
Ah, general.
May I introduce Miss Callaghan to you?
Your Highness, what are you doing to your uncle?
- "Squita". - There are no mosquitoes in April.
Crown prince!
It's shameless. Just shameless.
It bit me! I should tell my brother!
Don't admit anybody!
- Why aren't you changing? - I am changing.
Cadet, give me some juice.
- What did he say? - You'll burn your balls, Suzanne.
Gentlemen, let's have a smoke.
Cadet Tolstoy!
What are you doing?
You... you... Tolstoy, what is it?
You want to destroy the whole company?
Me?!
Grand Duke Alexei Alexandrovich!
- Have you seen Tolstoy? - Mind your own business.
The Grand Duke has already been seated.
Andrey, you must be mad!
Hurry up! The Grand Duke's already in his box.
Suzanne, my dear, hurry up! It's your time to come out!
Gentlemen! Let me go first!
Make it quick!
He's coming!
Dry up his head!
Forward!
Thank God!
Of course.
The count liked my fiancee.
What's wrong with him?
Where are you going?
I'm wounded!
Your Highness!
Andrey, be quiet!
Be quiet...
What have you done?!
What have you done, Andrey?!
Latest news! Villainous assassination attempt on His Highness!
Come here!
"The cadet confessed..." This is the end!
Come here! Give me all the newspapers.
Start singing!
My cherished cap, you can't be ripping
I could not part with you as yet
I wore you while the day were leaping
My star my years as a Cadet...
I prize the day of my admittance
When I was wedded to thy shrine
My offering I made to Bacchus
And I besprinkled you with wine...
Good afternoon!
Go away...
Oh, my boy!
Open up!
Running, forward march!
Run!
Do you recognize me?
Do you remember that yard? You pointed your gun at me.
My pistol got stuck in the pocket. Outherwise, I would have killed you.
Why are you here? Not for that by any chance?
Let's go!
Andrey!
Tolstoy!
Andrey Alexeyevich!
Cadet Tolstoy!
Lift me up!
Andrey Alexeyevich! My master!
Andrey!
Cadet Tolstoy! Come here!
In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,
Now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.
Save God, and forgive...
Put on your hats! On the train!
Right face! Left face!
Andrey!
Convoy! On the train! March!
Where are you, Tolstoy?!
My cherished cap, you can't be ripping
I could not part with you as yet
I wore you while the days were leaping
My star my years as a Cadet...
Farewell, brothers!
I love you, Cadets!
I love you...
Hats off!
- Excuse me, Andrey Tolstoy? - Here is his house.
Thank you.
"The Barber Andrey Tolstoy"
Dedicated to the Russian officers,
The pride and glory of our Motherland.
Cast
Jane: Julia ORMOND
Tolstoy: Oleg MENSHIKOV
McCracken: Richard HARRIS
Radlov: Alexey PETRENKO
Mokin: Vladimir ILYIN
Polievsky: Marat BASHAROV
Alibekov: Nikita TATARENKOV
Nazarov: Georgy DRONOV
Buturlin: Artyom MIKHALKOV
Kopnovsky: Daniel OLBRYCHSKY
Tolstoy's Mother: Marina NEELOVA
Uncle Nicholas: Avangard LEONTYEV
Dunyasha: Anna MIKHALKOVA
Forsten: Robert HARDY
Madam Quail: Elizabeth SPRIGGS
Emperor Alexander III: Nikita MIKHALKOV
Empress: Isabelle RENAULD
Grand Duke: Yevgeny STEBLOV
Grand Duchess: Inna NABATOVA
Sergeant: Mac MACDONALD
Andrew: Daniel EVANS
The End