Oh, yeah
Oh
You're gonna wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn
You're gonna wake up one mornin'
As the sun greets the dawn
You didn't realize
Oh, you're gonna miss me, baby
- Oh, you're gonna miss me, baby - What came first?
The music or the misery?
People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos...
that some sort of culture of violence will take them over.
Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands...
literally, thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection...
pain, misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable...
or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
You're gonna wake up wonderin'
Find yourself on the floor
You don't have to go this second. You can stay until whenever.
No. We've done the hard part now. I might as well...
Why don't you stay for tonight then?
Laura.
You're just gonna...
My desert island, all-time top five most memorable breakups...
in chronological order...
are as follows:
Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick...
Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson and Sarah Kendrew.
Those were the ones that really hurt.
Can you see your name on that list, Laura?
Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten.
But there's just no room for you in the top five. Sorry!
Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak...
you're just not capable of delivering.
I'm not coming home
If you really wanted to mess me up, you should've gotten to me earlier!
Oh, yeah
Oh
Which brings us to number one on the top five, all-time breakup list:
Alison Ashmore.
Candy on the beach There's nothing better
One moment they weren't there. Not in any form that interested us, anyway.
And then the next, you couldn't miss them.
They were everywhere, and they'd grown breasts.
- And we wanted... - I want candy
Actually, we didn't even know what we wanted.
- I want candy - But it was something interesting.
- Disturbing, even. - I want candy
- My relationship with Alison Ashmore lasted for six hours: - I want candy
the two hours after school, before The Rockford Files...
for three days in a row.
But on the fourth afternoon...
Kevin Bannister.
Slut.
It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed...
relationships have become more sophisticated...
females less cruel...
skins thicker, instincts more developed.
But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since.
All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.
Number two on the top five, all-time breakup list was Penny Hardwick.
Penny was great-looking...
and her top-five recording artists were Carly Simon, Carole King...
James Taylor, Cat Stevens and Elton John.
I remember when rock was young
- Me and Susie had so much fun - Erin! No, come here!
Holdin'hands and skimmin'stones
- Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own - She was nice.
Nice manners, nice grades, nice looking.
She was so nice, in fact, that she wouldn't let me put my hand...
underneath or even on top of her bra.
- Now, when she comes walkin'over - Attack and defense. Invasion and repulsion.
It was as if breasts were little pieces of property that had unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex.
They were rightfully ours, and we wanted them back.
Crimson and clover
Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breasts that I would try to touch her between her legs.
I was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down and asking for 50 grand instead.
I wasn't interested in Penny's nice qualities, just breasts...
and therefore she was no good to me.
What's the point? It never goes anywhere.
Rob?
I started dating a girl who everyone said would give it up and who didn't...
and Penny went with this asshole named Chris Thompson who told me that he had sex with her...
after something like three dates.
I own this store called Championship Vinyl.
It's located in a neighborhood that attracts the bare minimum of window shoppers.
I get by because the people make a special effort to shop here.
Mostly young men...
who spend all their time looking for deleted Smiths singles...
and original... not re-released, underlined... Frank Zappa albums.
Fetish properties are not unlike porn.
I'd feel guilty taking their money if I wasn't...
well, kinda one of'em.
- Morning, Dick. - Oh. Hi. Hi, Rob.
- Have a good weekend? - Yeah, okay.
Um, I found the first Liquorice Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl...
the one on Testament of Youth.
Never released here. A Japanese import only.
Great. Great.
- I'll tape it for you. - No, that's okay. Really.
'Cause you liked their second one, you said. Um, Pop Girls, Etc.
That's the one with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.
Oh, you never saw the cover, though. You just had that tape that I made you.
Yeah, I haven't really absorbed that one yet.
Well...
- I'll just make it for you. - Okay.
Seymour Stein
I've been lonely
- Dick. What's this? - It's the new Belle and Sebastian.
Do you like it?
Holy Shiite.
- What the fuck is that? - It's the new Belle and Sebastian that...
It's a record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry.
Well, that's unfortunate, because it sucks ass.
Yours, I assume.
Mmm, yeah
I used to think maybe you loved me
Now, baby, I'm sure
Turn it off, Barry!
- And I just can't wait till the day when you knock - It won't go any louder! L...
- On my door - Turn it off!
Now every time I go for the mailbox I gotta hold myself down
'Cause I just can't wait till you write me your...
Okay, buddy, uh, I was just trying to cheer us up.
So, go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music. See if I care.
I don't wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry. I just want something that I can ignore.
Here's the thing: I made that tape special for today.
My special Monday morning tape for you, special!
Well, it's fucking Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier!
Come on, dude. Play it.
Don't you wanna hear what's next?
- What's next? - Play it.
Say it.
"Little Latin Loopy-Loo."
- Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels? - No!
- The Righteous Brothers. - Well, never mind.
No, not never mind. You tell me right now... what's wrong with the Righteous Brothers?
- Nothing. L... I just prefer the other one. - Bullshit!
How can it be bullshit to state a preference?
- Since when did this store become a fascist regime? - Since you brought that bullshit tape in.
Oh, man, that's great. That's the fun thing about working in a record store.
You get to play crappy pap you don't even wanna listen to.
I just... I thought this tape was gonna be a fuckin'...
conversation stimulator, man.
I was gonna ask you for your top five records to play on a Monday morning and all that...
and you just had to fuckin' ruin it.
- We'll do it next Monday. - No! I wanna do it now!
I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week, and they just started showing up every day.
That was four years ago.
Number three on the top five all-time breakup list?
Charlie Nicholson. Sophomore year of college.
Whoo! Am I glad that's over.
As soon as I saw her I realized she was the kind of girl I'd wanted to meet...
ever since I was old enough to want to meet girls.
I mean, she was different.
She was dramatic and she was exotic.
- The guy with the make-up and the tongue. - Gene Simmons. - Gene Simmons. There.
And she talked a lot, and when she talked she said remarkably interesting things...
about music, books, film and politics.
- Yeah, Chairman Mao. - And she talked a lot. - Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall?
- No. - Huh? No.
And you won't will you, sweetheart? No.
Kiss my neck. Yeah.
And she liked me.
She liked me. She liked me.
At least I think she did.
- Do you like that one? - Yeah.
It's okay.
We went out for two years, and...
I never got comfortable.
Why would a girl... No, a woman like Charlie go out with me?
I felt like a fraud. I felt like one of those people who suddenly shave their heads and said they'd always been punks.
I was sure I'd be discovered at any second.
And I worried about my abilities as a lover.
And I was intimidated by other men in her design department...
and became convinced she was gonna leave me for one of them.
Then she left me for one of them. The dreaded Marco.
Charlie, you fucking bitch! Let's work it out!
Just open the fucking door! Charlie!
Look, let's talk it... Char...
And then I lost it.
Kinda lost it all, you know?
Faith, dignity, about 15 pounds.
When I came to a few months later...
I found, to my surprise, I had flunked out of school.
I started working in a record shop.
Some people never got over 'Nam or the night their band opened for Nirvana.
I guess I never really got over Charlie.
But the thing I learned from the whole Charlie debacle is that you gotta punch your weight.
See, Charlie, she's out of my class.
She's too pretty, too smart, too witty, too much.
I mean, what am I? I'm a middleweight.
Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm certainly not the dumbest.
I mean, I've read books like The Unbearable Lightness of Being...
and Love in the Time of Cholera and, uh... and I think I've understood them.
I mean, they're about girls, right? Just kidding.
But I have to say...
my all-time favorite book is Johnny Cash's autobiography, Cash by Johnny Cash.
- Championship. - Hi.
Hi.
Um, I was thinking...
I could come by the house and pick up some stuff while you're at work tomorrow.
While I'm at work. While I'm at work.
- Oh, boy, oh, boy. - That's what you got to say is, "Oh, boy"?
I mean, bravo. That's...
- Laura, this is just so dumb. I mean, you should... - Look, Rob.
I gotta go.
Um, I'm looking for a record for my daughter for her birthday.
"I Just Called to Say I Love You." Do you have it?
- Yeah. - Great. - We have it. - Great.
- Can I have it then? - No. No, you can't.
- Why not? - Well, it's sentimental, tacky crap, that's why not.
Do we look like the kind of store that sells "I Just Called to Say I Love You"?
Go to the mall.
- What's your problem? - Do you even know your daughter?
There's no way she likes that song. Oh... Uh, oh, is she in a coma?
Oh, okay, buddy. I didn't know it was Pick On The Middle-Aged Square Guy Day.
My apologies. I'll be on my way.
Bye-bye.
Fuck you.
Nice, Barry. Really, really nice. That was just top class.
Rob. Top Five Musical Crimes Perpetrated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go.
Sub-question: Is it, in fact, unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter-day sins?
Is it better to burn out than to fade away?
- Barry, I'm fucking broke, man! - Jesus! He was gonna buy one record, which we didn't even have, and then leave and never come back again anyway.
- That's not the point. What did he ever do to you? - He offended me with his terrible taste.
It wasn't even his terrible taste. It was his daughter's.
Are you defending that ass-muncher? Come on, Rob.
You're going soft in your old age. Jesus!
Now all of a sudden I'm offending your golf buddy.
I'm gonna tell you something for your own good, pal.
That's the worst fuckin' sweater I've ever seen. It's a Cosby sweater.
A Cosby sweater!
Did Laura let you leave the house like that, because...
- Hey... - Hey! Hey! - Fuckin' asshole.
- What are you do... - Shut up. Will you shut up?
- Uh... - Will you? - Break it up. - You're a fuckin' maniac.
I swear to God, if you tore this thing, it's vintage, and I would fuckin' sock your nose.
You'll pay big.
Are you all right?
Yeah. Look, Dick, Laura and I broke up. She's gone.
So if you ever see Barry again, maybe you could tell him that.
Of course I will, Rob. No problem.
No problem at all.
I'll tell him next time I see him. Definitely.
I've, uh, got some other stuff to tell him, anyway, so it's no problem.
I'll just tell him, you know, about Laura...
um, when I tell him...
the other stuff.
Do you want to talk about it, that kind of thing?
No. Thank you, though, Dick.
Thank you.
Look at these. I used to dream I'd be surrounded by exotic women's underwear forever and ever.
Now I know they just save their best pairs for the nights they know they're gonna sleep with somebody.
Hello, Laura, this is your mother. Your father's angina is a little rough today.
I thought he might like to talk to you. It's no big deal.
I love you two. Bye-bye.
Anyway, me and Charlie, we didn't match.
Marco and Charlie matched.
Me and Sarah, number four on the all-time list? We matched.
She'd just been dumped by some asshole named Michael.
I mean, Michael was such an asshole.
I'd just been run over by Charlie.
I know exactly what you mean.
I mean, it's just so painful and draining.
I'm just gonna be by myself for a while.
Me too. Me too.
It made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex.
And while we were at it we could share a bed with somebody at the same time.
We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives.
Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being left alone for the rest of their lives at 26.
We were of that disposition.
- So when she told me... - I've met someone else.
Who?
Just someone else.
It was contrary to the whole spirit of our arrangement.
I don't have to take this shit. You think I fuckin' look like shit, huh?
So how come I got dumped?
What?
- Hey, Dick. Come on in. What is it? - Oh, um, well, we're going to Lounge Axe...
and, um, I was just wondering if you wanted to come along with us.
Whoa.
Um, Marie De Salle's playing.
You remember I told you about her today? I like her.
She's kind of Sheryl Crow-ish, crossed with a, um, post-Partridge Family, pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing.
- But, you know, um, black. - Yeah.
So, um, I just wanted to know if you wanted to come along.
Barry thought so too, really, but I guess it looks as if you're...
- reorganizing your records. - Reorganizing my records. Yeah.
Um, what is this, uh, chronological?
No.
- Not alphabetical. - Nope.
What?
Autobiographical.
- No fucking way. - Yep.
I can tell you how I got from Deep Purple to Howling Wolf in just 25 moves.
- Oh, my God. - And, if I want to find the song "Landslide," by Fleetwood Mac...
I have to remember that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1983 pile...
but didn't give it to them for personal reasons.
- That sounds... - Comforting?
- Yes. - It is.
- Hello? - Well, shoo.
I can stick around, you know, man, if you... l... if you want me to help out.
But you really shouldn't, uh, keep 'em piled like this, because it gets really pressured.
- Hold on. - You know? - See you tomorrow. - Oh. Okay.
- Okay. - I'll see you.
- Hi, Mom. - How's the store?
You know something? You're very lucky that Laura is doing as well as she's doing.
Because if it wasn't for her, I don't think either of us would ever sleep.
She left. She's gone.
What? What do you mean?
- Where did she go? - How would I know where?
She's gone. Girlfriend leave. Not say where gone. Laura move out.
- Well, call her mother. - She just called.
She doesn't even know. Probably the last time I'll ever hear her voice.
- I'm all right, if that's what's upsetting you. - That is not what's upsetting me.
- Well, it fuckin' should be, shouldn't it? - I knew this would happen.
- What are you gonna do, Rob? - I'm gonna drink a bottle of wine, I'm gonna watch TV and go to bed.
- Then I'm gonna go to work. - And then what?
I'm gonna meet a nice girl and have children.
I promise the next time we talk, I'll have it all figured out. Okay?
- I knew... I knew it was gonna happen again. - What are you getting so upset about?
- Do you know why she left? - It's got nothing to do with marriage.
- So you say! - Mom, I'm telling you for the last time.
Laura didn't even want to get married. She's not that kind of girl.
- That's not what happens now. Okay? - Oh, I don't know what happens now.
Apart from you meet someone, you move in, she goes!
You meet someone, you move in, she goes!
Shut up, Mom! Goddam!
That's some cold shit.
John Dillinger was shot dead behind that theater in a hail of FBI gunfire.
You know who tipped 'em off? His fuckin' girlfriend.
He just wanted to go to the movies.
Is that Peter fucking Frampton?
I wish I could buy words
Out of season
So don't
Don't hesitate
'Cause our love
Just won't wait
Ooh, baby, I love your way
- Rob. - Wanna tell you I love - What?
- Yeah. Hey. - Your way
- I always hated that song. - Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now I kinda like it. - Wanna be with you night and day - Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
'Cause I
She should've done it on The Number Four with a Smile.
Wasn't her record called Number Four with a Smile?
- That's what I said. - No, no. You said "The Number Four with a Smile."
There's no "The" at the front of the title of the album.
It's a reference to a Chinese meal in Toronto...
uh, so I think that there is "The," but I could be wrong.
- You can be, and are, wrong. - Wanna tell you I love your way
I wanna be with you night and day
I wanna date a musician.
- 'Cause I - I wanna live with a musician.
- Feel that you - She'd write songs at home and ask me what I thought of'em...
and maybe even include one of our private little jokes in the liner notes.
Maybe a little picture of me in the liner notes.
Just in the background somewhere.
- Don't hesitate - Yeah.
- So, um, do you live in Chicago now? - I do.
Do you love it? You should come to our record store.
- Championship Vinyl. - Oh, my God, yes. Oh, you'd love it.
- We sell a little bit of anything that matters. - He owns it. It's on Milwaukee.
- Rock, soul, trip-hop, salsa. - Ska, techno and pop.
- Will you come? - Yeah, Marie. - Okay, okay. - Sounds good.
- Championship Vinyl. - Championship Vinyl. - Enjoyed your set.
Thank you.
- Barry, why'd you tell her about the store, man? - Oh, man, I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was classified information.
I mean, I know we don't have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing...
not, like, a business strategy.
Rob? It's Liz.
Just calling to see if, you know, well, you're okay.
Look, I'm your friend too, so I'm not taking sides. Yet.
- Shadows grow so long before my eyes - Give me a call. Okay? Bye.
- Hi. - What are you doing here?
- Took the morning off. - Come on, Rob.
Do you still love me?
Well, it's not really the issue, is it?
Why? I mean, what else is there? What do you mean? What else is there?
I don't know. It doesn't change the way we don't get along at all.
In fact, I hope we're not in love any more, to be honest.
- It would give me a better opinion of love right now. - Come on!
What, did I beat you? Did I tell you you were a bad person? I mean, what the fuck?
- What should I have done to make you happy? - Nothing. Make yourself happy.
Oh, I see. Um, wh-why am I not happy?
Because you're the same person you used to be...
and I'm not.
- And all I've done is change jobs. - Clothes and hairstyles.
- Attitudes and friends. - I couldn't go to work with my hair dyed pink.
- You're harder. - You haven't changed so much as a pair of socks since I've known you.
- Oh, come on, Laura. Now you're just being stupid. - At least you used to talk about the future.
Now you don't even do that.
- Look, I'm all right. You're the one that hates her job. - See? You haven't got a clue.
I like my job.
All I'm saying is, you have to allow for things to happen to people...
most of all to yourself.
And you don't, Rob.
So what's the use?
Rob, it's your turn.
Okay, I'm feeling kinda basic today.
Top Five Side Ones, Track Ones.
"Janie Jones," The Clash, from The Clash.
"Let's Get It On," Marvin Gaye, from Let's Get It On."
Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit," off of Nevermind.
Oh, no, Rob, that's not obvious enough. Not at all.
How about, uh, "Point of No Return" on Point of No Return?
- Louis, you couldn't get up... - Shut up. Shut up.
- "White Light/White Heat," Velvet Underground. - Okay, that would be on my list.
- Though not on mine. - And Massive Attack, No Protection.
- The song is "Radiation Ruling the Nation." - Ohh!
- Kind of a new record. Very... - Excuse me. I was in here last night... - In a minute. Very nice, Rob.
A sly declaration of new classic status slipped into a list of old safe ones.
Very pussy.
- Excuse me, I was in here last... - In a minute.
Couldn't you be any more obvious than that, Rob? How about, uh, I don't know, the Beatles?
How about fucking... fucking Beethoven? Track one, side one of the Fifth Symphony.
How can someone who has no interest in music own a record store?
Do you still have that, uh, Beefheart French import, Safe as Milk?
Um, let's see.
Ah, yes, here it is.
Yes.
- How much you want for it? - Uh...
Yes... Oh, no. You know what?
- I don't think I'm selling it this week. Maybe next week. - Oh, no. You said that last week.
Did I? Yeah, well, I just... l... Uh...
Nicely played.
You know, I don't have that record. I'll buy it for 40.
- Rob? - Sold.
- Now, why would you sell it to me and not to him? - Because you're not a geek, Louis.
- You guys are snobs. - No, we're not. - No, seriously, you're totally elitist.
You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit on the people who know less than you.
- No. - Which is everybody. - Yes.
It's just sad, that's all.
I'm sick of the sight of this place.
Some days I'm afraid I'll go berserk...
throw the country "A" through "K" rack out on the street...
and go work at a Virgin Megastore and never come back.
- Hello. - Hey, Liz. - Hey, Rob.
You know, I just wanted to call and thank you for that message you sent me last night.
It really made me feel like less of an asshole.
Oh. Well, how are you holding up?
Good. Good. I mean, look, maybe we're just not right for each other, right?
- I mean, or maybe we are. - Mmm. Yeah.
Time will tell at this point, and if it's time to move on, it's time to move on.
I don't know. L... I don't want to take sides and...
And I like you with Laura. I think you guys are good together.
And I don't think much of this Ian guy.
Rob, Marie De Salle is in the store.
I gotta go, Liz.
- We should maybe turn off her music. - I know.
Hey. I like the music.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can go turn it off if you want.
You might be sick of it.
- You should turn it up. - Oh, right, yeah. - Yeah.
Okay, let me go do that after I go do something else that I have to go do.
- All righty. Hmm. - Yeah, I got the, uh... Excuse me. Okay?
What fucking Ian guy?
Laura doesn't know anybody called Ian.
There's no Ian in her office. She has no friends called Ian!
I'm almost certain she has never met anyone named Ian in her entire life.
She lives in an...
"Ian-less" universe.
"I. Raymond."
Ray. "I."
Ian.
Mr I. Raymond. Ray to his friends, and more importantly to his neighbor.
The guy who, until about six weeks ago, lived upstairs.
I start to remember things about him now.
His horrible clothes and hair.
His music: Latin, Bulgarian, whatever world music was trendy that week.
He had rings on his fingers. Awful cooking smells.
I never liked him much then, and I fuckin' hate him now.
We used to listen to him having sex upstairs.
Jeez, he goes on long enough.
Mm-hmm. I should be so lucky.
It feels so good
You are as abandoned and noisy as any character in a porn film, Laura.
You are Ian's plaything, responding to his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight.
No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian...
in my head.
Oh, baby, give it up
Ain't no use
Number five: Jackie Alden.
Jackie Alden's breakup had no effect on my life whatsoever.
It was a casual thing, and I was glad when it ended.
I just slotted her in to bump Laura out of position.
But now, congratulations, Laura.
You made it to the top five.
Number five with a bullet. Welcome.
Won't somebody please
Help me with my misery
- Can't somebody see - Hey.
Do you have soul?
What this one love's done to me
That all depends.
- Now I know, I know - Back row, right next to the blues.
Championship Vinyl.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm interested. Sure.
What's your address?
- Hey, Liz. - Hey, Rob.
You fucking asshole!
Hi, Barry.
Soarin'and borin'
I feel I'm ignorin'
My time in the world Have you heard
For a couple of years I was a deejay at a club.
I was good at it, I think...
and while I was doing it is the happiest I've ever been.
And that's where I met Laura.
She was already a lawyer, but she worked for Legal Aid...
hence the leather jacket and the clubbing.
Oh, I liked her right away.
- Hey! - Hey!
- That's a kick-ass record. - What?
- That's a kick-ass record. - Yeah. I know.
- Um, what's your name? - Laura.
Hey. I was gonna say, come back next week and I'll make you a tape.
- All right. Thank you. - Okay? - Great.
- Rob. - I'm still Laura.
To be honest, I hadn't met anyone as promising as Laura since I started deejaying...
and meeting promising women is kind of what the deejaying thing is supposed to be about.
And anyway, we... we moved on from there.
She lost her lease on her apartment in Lakeview, and she moved in with me.
And it stayed that way for years.
She didn't make me miserable, or anxious...
or ill-at-ease.
And you know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't.
It wasn't spectacular, either. It was just...
good.
But really good.
So, how come I'm suddenly an asshole?
I get the feeling that Liz talked to Laura...
and Liz stuck up for me...
and Laura told her a few things.
I don't know what precisely Laura said, but she would have revealed at least two,
maybe even all four of the following pieces of information.
One: That I slept with someone else...
- He slept with somebody else. - What?
While she, Laura, was pregnant.
- While I was pregnant. - No!
Two:
That my affair directly contributed...
Pretty much directly to me terminating the pregnancy.
- No. - Three:
That after the abortion, I borrowed a large sum of money from her...
- Four grand or so. - And have not, as of yet, repaid any of it.
The bastard!
Four:
That shortly before she left me...
I told her that I was kind of unhappy in the relationship...
and maybe sort of looking around for someone else.
He was "sort of, maybe" looking around for somebody else.
- Did I do and say those things? - Yes.
- No! - Yes, I did.
I am a fuckin' asshole.
- That's it. - Liz... No. Sit down.
Sit down.
That's shocking.
That is shocking.
First of all, the money.
Laura had it and I didn't.
And she wanted to give it to me.
I've never been able to pay her back because I've never been able to.
Just because she moved in with some Supertramp fan...
it doesn't make me five grand richer.
And number two, this stuff about me half-looking around for someone else?
She tricked me into saying it.
We were having this State-of-the-Union type conversation...
and she said, quite matter of factly, that we were pretty unhappy at the moment.
And did I agree? And I said yes.
And she asked me whether I ever thought about meeting other people.
So then I asked her if she ever thought about meeting someone else.
She says, "Of course." So I admit that, yes, I daydream about it from time to time.
Now I can see what we were really talking about is her and Ian...
and she suckered me into absolving her.
It was a sneaky lawyer's trick and I fell for it...
because she's much smarter than me.
All right, then the pregnancy.
I didn't know she was pregnant. Of course I didn't.
I didn't know because she hadn't told me.
She hadn't told me because I had told her that I had sor... Yes, I'd slept with someone else.
So I didn't find out she was pregnant till way later.
We were going through this good period and I made some crack about having kids and...
- What? - And she just burst into tears.
And I said, "Well, what is it," you know. "What..."
And I made her tell me, and she did...
and I went into this brief and ill-advised bout of self-righteousness, you know...
What right do you have? My child too... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That pretty much brings us up to date.
Who needs a drink?
Who loves the sun
Who cares that it makes plants grow
What's wrong with me? Seriously.
What happened?
Why am I doomed to be left?
Doomed to be rejected?
I need answers.
Number one. To Alison Ashmore.
- Hello? - This is, uh, Rob Gordon calling.
- Hi. - I'm an old friend of Alison's and, um...
- What did you say your name was? - Rob. Rob Gordon.
Um, I was actually her... her first boyfriend in-in-in the seventh grade...
and I was just wondering if you had any way of reaching her or her number or...
I hate to quibble with you, Rob, but Alison married her first boyfriend.
Kevin Bannister. He is her first and last boyfriend.
- You gotta be kidding me. - Uh, no, I'm quite serious.
She is Mrs Kevin Bannister. She lives in Australia.
- We went out together in the seventh grade. - I beg your pardon.
Well, technically, I'm her first boyfriend, okay?
I met her a few days before Kevin did. Technically, number one. Me.
- I don't know what you mean by "technically." - You know.
I'm number one. Me. Technically.
I see. Well, maybe it's my mistake.
I've got to go now, Bob. Okay, bye-bye.
Who loves the sun
Alison married Kevin!
I am fine now!
Married her junior high school sweetheart.
Kissed me on the bench. Kissed Kevin on the bench. Married Kevin.
This is great! This has got nothing to do with me.
This is fate. This is destiny.
It is beyond my control, beyond my fault. I love this!
I want more. I want to see the others on the big top five.
I wanna see Penny and Charlie and Sarah, all of them, you know.
Just see 'em and talk to 'em, you know, like a Bruce Springsteen song.
You call, you ask 'em how they are, and you see if they've forgiven you.
Yeah, and then... and then I'd feel good.
And they'd feel good.
No, they'd feel good maybe, but you'd feel better.
I'd feel clean and calm.
That's what you're looking for. You wanna get ready to start again, that'd be good for you.
Great, even.
You'd give that big final "good luck and goodbye" to your all-time top five and just move on down the road.
Good luck. Goodbye.
Thanks, Boss.
Penny is as beautiful as she was in high school and really grown into herself.
She reviews movies for a living, which is unassailably cool...
even if she does make these little notes with this little flashlight pen.
We have a good time, and we hate the same actors, and everything's going great.
She tells me about her life. I tell her about mine.
We both get it. We both relate.
And then, with no real explanation, I just launch into it.
I tell her about how Laura wanted to sleep with Ian and not me...
Charlie wanted to sleep with Marco and not me...
Alison Ashmore wanted Kevin Bannister and not me.
And you, you wanted to... you wanted to have sex with Chris Thompson...
and not me.
And I was helping... hoping you could help me understand why this keeps happening...
why, you know, I'm doomed to be left, doomed to be rejected.
Do you understand?
Well, Rob, uh, I was crazy about you.
I wanted to sleep with you one day, but not when I was 16.
You know, when you broke up with me...
you broke up with me because I was, I was...
to use your charming expression, tight...
I cried and I cried and I hated you...
and when that little shit bag asked me out and I was too tired to fight him off...
it wasn't rape, because I said okay, but it wasn't far off.
You know I couldn't have sex until after college because I hated it so much?
That's when you're supposed to have sex, Rob... in college!
And now you want to have a little chat about rejection.
Well, fuck you, Rob.
God, she's right.
I broke up with her. I rejected her.
That's another one I don't have to worry about. I should've done this years ago.
Ma'am, could I get the cheque, please?
Next up, Charlie.
But I'm not quite ready for that...
so I go directly to number four on the all-time breakup list.
Sarah, my partner in rejection who rejected me.
- Hi, Rob. - Hi.
Nice to see you.
- Hi. Okay, yeah. - Nice to see you.
- Yeah. - You want me to come... - You wanna... - Sure.
- You wanna... - Yeah. - Yeah, let's go out a bit.
I can't believe I left you for him.
- Probably seemed like a good idea at the time, Sarah. - Yeah, I don't know why, though.
- Are you seeing anybody? - Um, no, yeah.
- No? - Yeah. I mean, I'm not... - No.
L-l-I am. I'm in between things. How are you doin'?
- Me? I'm not good. - Really? - No.
Oh, it's so hard. The medication I was on is not working.
So we're trying something else, but it's like, they don't know about it, so I'm like a guinea pig, and...
But I'm making money. That's good, 'cause I lost my job a month ago.
- So it's been, like, hand-to-mouth... - No, I haven't got the heart for the rejection conversation.
There are no hard feelings here, and I'm glad she ditched me and not the other way around.
I'm late for work, and l... I'll call you.
- Okay. - Nice to see you. Bye. - Bye. See you later.
I could've wound up having sex back there.
And what better way to exorcise rejection demons than to screw the person who rejected you, right?
But you wouldn't be sleeping with a person.
You'd be sleeping with a whole, sad single-person culture.
It'd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky if you weren't Rocky.
I feel guilty enough as it is.
There's only Charlie left now.
She's in the fuckin' phone book.
She should be living on Neptune. She's an extraterrestrial.
A ghost, a myth, not a person in a phone book.
- Hi, this is Charlie. - Answering machine.
- Leave me a message... - I'll leave a nice, polite message and she'll never call back.
Oh, the Killing Moon EP, it's almost impossible to find, especially on CD.
Yet another cruel trick played on all the dumb-asses who got rid of their turntables.
- But every other Echo and the Bunnymen album... - Yeah, I have all the other ones.
Oh, you do? Well, how about the Jesus and Mary Chain?
- Ah, they always seemed... - They always seemed what?
They always seemed really great is what they always seemed.
They picked up where your precious Echo left off, and you're sittin' around complainin' about no more Echo albums.
I can't believe you don't own this fucking record. That's insane.
Jesus!
- Can I get two receipts with that? - Well, the interesting thing about Green Day...
is that so much of their music is, in truth...
directly influenced by, in my opinion, uh, two bands...
- The Clash... - The Clash.
Uh, correct, uh, the Clash.
Uh, but also by this band called, uh, Stiff Little Fingers.
Um, I think you would really love this band.
Uh, it sounds great.
- My name's Anaugh. - The name...
Um, my name's Dick.
Is this the new Green Day?
You don't have it? That is perverse.
Don't tell anybody you don't own fucking Blonde on Blonde.
It's gonna be okay.
I will now sell five copies of the three EPs by the Beta Band.
Do it.
If there's something inside that you wanna say
Say it loud It'll be okay
I will be all right I will be all right
If there's something inside that you wanna say
- You can say it loud, it'll be okay - Who is that?
- It's the Beta Band. - It's good.
I know.
- Barry! The door! - Fuck!
- Go! Go! Go! - Go, go, go, go!
- Gotta go back! - Hey!
Okay, fuckos, how much is this deck worth to you, and how much did you steal? Can you do the math?
- Barry, call the cops. - No! - Hold up, hold up.
Ryuichi Sakamoto, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg.
- What, are you guys stealing for other people? - No, those are for us.
- You guys slamming to Joni Mitchell now? - Man, you're, like, so bigoted.
- You look at us and think you know what we listen to. - I think you have more.
Okay.
Hi.
- What do you want? - I thought I could give you a ride back.
- Are you coming home? - Yeah.
Well, I'd like to come over to your house to pick up some things.
My house.
How'd it go today?
All right.
- Do you want to go? - Sure.
So, have you tackled the great reorganization yet?
You bet. You can take this with you if you want.
Look at this place. Laura, it's a dump.
What are you making now? Sixty, seventy a year?
And you were living in this shithole.
Bet you can't even remember what you were doing here.
I was here because I wanted to be with you.
It had nothing to do with this place.
So, uh, where are you staying now?
I think you know that.
- I had to work that out for myself, though, didn't I? - I'm sorry.
I know I haven't been very fair.
That's why I came to the store tonight.
It took me a while to work up the courage.
- You scared now? - Yes, of course I am.
I feel terrible, Rob. You know, this is really hard.
Good.
So how is everything going with Ian?
Is it working out okay?
- You're living with the guy. - Don't.
I'm just asking you how it's going.
Look, I'm not living with the guy, okay?
I'm just staying with him for a few days until I figure out what I'm doing.
I left because we weren't exactly getting along, and we weren't talking about it.
I'm getting to a point where I want to get my shit together...
and I can't really see that ever happening with you.
And, yes, I sort of got interested in someone else.
And that went further than it should have, so it seemed like a good time to go.
But I have no idea what will happen with Ian in the long run.
Probably nothing.
So, what?
You definitely haven't decided to dump me? Is that it?
There's still a chance we might get back together?
- I don't know. - Well, if you don't know...
there's a chance, right?
I mean, it would be like if someone was in the hospital and he was seriously ill...
and the doctor said, "I don't know if this patient has a chance of survival or not."
That doesn't mean that the patient's definitely gonna die now, does it? I mean, he might live.
- Even if it's a remote possibility. - I suppose so.
- So we have a chance of not... - Shut up, Rob.
- I just want to know where I stand here. What chance do we have? - What...
- I don't know what chance we have. - If you could tell me roughly-
All right, we have a nine percent chance of getting back together.
- Nine? - Nine.
- Great. - Look, I know I'm asking a lot...
but could you take off for a while so I can get my stuff packed up?
No problem.
- You want me to leave my own house? - Yes, please.
Laura, can I ask you one question?
Yes. One.
- You're not gonna like it. - Just ask it.
- Is it better? - Is what better? Better than what?
Well, sex, I guess. Is it better?
- Is that really what's bothering you? - Yes. Yes, of course.
Do you really think it would make a difference either way?
- I don't know. - Well, the answer is, I don't know either.
We haven't done it yet.
- Never? - I haven't felt like it.
Not even before, when he was living upstairs?
No. I was living with you, remember?
We've slept together, but we haven't made love.
Not yet.
- I'll tell you one thing. - What?
Sleeping together is better.
Sleeping together is better?
But not the sex, because you haven't done it yet?
- Will you please just go? - Yeah.
We are the champions
- My friends - Yes!
- And we'll keep on fighting - Put 'em up!
- Till the end - I feel good. I feel great.
- We are the champions - I feel like a new man.
- I feel so much better, in fact... - We are the champions
- that I go straight out and sleep with Marie De Salle. - No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions
"How could this have happened?" You ask.
"How does he... How does he do it?"
How does a regular guy like me become the number one lover man in his particular postal district?
He's grumpy. He's broke. He hangs out with the musical moron twins...
and yet he gets to go to bed with somebody like Marie De Salle.
Hey. Marie.
- Everything go all right? - Yeah, yeah.
She just wanted to pick up some stuff, you know. It was no big deal. It was just...
I hate that time, picking-up-stuff time.
- You know that song I play, "Eartha Kitt Times Two"? - Of course!
I wrote that about me and my ex dividing our record collection.
It's a great, great song.
- Awhile back, Dick, Barry and I agreed... - I wrote that just before I moved here.
That what really matters is what you like...
not what you are like.
Books, records, films... These things matter.
Call me shallow. It's the fuckin' truth.
And by this measure, I was having one of the best dates of my life.
- You love that show? - Yes!
Starring, um... Starring, um... Who starred in The Prisoner?
- McGoohan. - Patrick McGoohan. - That's right!
And then we talk about our exes.
She's dry and self-deprecating.
Great sense of humor about it, and I can really see why her songs are so good.
- I guess she's happy with him. - I don't speak about Laura with as much depth.
But it feels, even to me, like I'm being intimate.
I express regret. I say nice things about her...
and I hint at a deep ocean of melancholy just below the surface...
which is all bullshit really.
I've just invented a sketch of a decent, sensitive guy...
because I'm in the position to invent him.
And I guess all that charming, nervous stuff seems to work somehow...
because we get back to her house and...
Throw my suitcase out there too
it just happens.
- Throw my covers out the door - And then we make love. It's great.
- I don't need them any more - And that's it. I'm not gonna go into all that other stuff.
You know, the who-did-what-to-whom stuff.
You know that song "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich?
It's one of my favorite songs.
- I can say we had a good time. I can say that. - Should I have left this town
Marie's a terrific woman.
But it was more than I could do
And then in the morning...
You didn't have me fooled...
acting all cool about, um, what's-her-name.
- Laura. - Laura, right, right. Laura.
- What was yours called again? - It was called James.
- James. - James.
Do you miss him?
Yeah. That's how it works, right?
I think it's okay if you feel horny and fucked up at the same time.
I mean, why should we be denied our basic human rights...
just 'cause we messed up our relationships?
You think sex is a basic human right?
Hell, yeah! Yeah.
I'm not gonna let that asshole come between me and a fuck.
- Which way are you going? - That way. You?
- That way. - Ah, so it is.
- Talk to ya. - I'll call you.
Right.
What did Laura mean last night when she said, "I haven't slept with him yet"?
Yet! What does "yet" mean anyway?
It means you're gonna do it, doesn't it? Or does it?
Just come on. What would it mean to you, that sentence:
"I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet"?
Well, to me it would mean that you're a liar. You've seen it twice.
Once with Laura... oops... and once with me and Dick, remember?
We had that conversation about the guy making Beretta shotgun ammo off-screen in the 14th century.
Right. All right, but let's just say that I hadn't seen it...
and I said to you, "I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet," what would you think?
I'd think that you're a cinematic idiot, and I'd feel sorry for you.
All right. But from that one sentence, would you think that I was going to see it?
I'm sorry, Rob. I'm struggling here.
You're asking me what would I think if you told me...
you hadn't seen a film that you have already seen.
- What am I supposed to say? - Just listen to me. If I said to you...
"I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet," yes.
Would you get the impression that I really wanted to see it?
Oh, uh, well...
you couldn't have been desperate to see it, otherwise you'd have already gone.
Right. I'm not gonna see that movie.
But the word "yet." Yeah, you know what?
I get the impression that you wanted to see it...
otherwise you'd have said you didn't want to go.
But in your opinion, would I definitely go?
How the fuck am I supposed to know? Probably.
- Why? - Because it's a brilliant film.
It's so funny and violent, and the soundtrack kicks fucking ass.
I never thought I'd say this, but can I go work now?
Look, Laura, if you don't want me to call you at work, then give me your home number.
Oh, I forgot. You can't.
I'm not gonna get off this phone until you agree to meet me for a drink.
I mean, I'm sorry, but I don't just see why this has to be on your terms...
- all the time. - Okay.
- I mean, really. - Okay! Okay. We'll meet then tonight.
That'd... That'd be great if you're not too busy. It'll be really good to...
see you.
So how are you?
Have you slept with him yet?
- Is that why you wanted to see me? - I guess.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to say you haven't, and I want that to be the truth.
I can't do that.
Say a word for Jimmy Brown
He ain't got nothin'at all
You must have known it would happen. You couldn't have been entirely unprepared.
Like you said, I've been living with the guy. We were bound to get around to it sometime.
Rob, are you there? What are you thinking?
We can meet for another drink if you want.
So I can explain it better. I owe you that much.
I don't have your number.
You know, I don't want this to be the last conversation we have. I know what you're like.
You do, huh?
I need a second opinion.
Hi, this is Tim. City and state, please.
Uh, Chicago. A residence. Mr Ian Raymond.
- Please hold for that number. - May I also have that address?
- Certainly. - Thank you.
- Rob? - Laura, I just want to say something.
I think you're running. You're running from a, a sharp point...
that anybody hits in any relationship, and it's just gonna happen again.
But it's gonna be with this guy Ian, later, when you're older.
All right? With a guy with a Steven Seagal ponytail.
You know what I'm saying? And-And he doesn't love you.
And he doesn't understand you, not the way I will.
And I will even more so in the future. And...
I mean, if you want to experiment or whatever...
I'm not experimenting. Why don't you go experiment?
- Laura, are you okay? - Uh, yeah, I'm fine.
- Is that him? - Look, can you... Can you call me at work? I gotta go now.
- You look upset. - Yeah, I'm... I'm upset...
but I'm fine.
- Maybe I should talk to him. - No, I don't think that's a good idea.
- Conflict resolution is my job. - Yeah, I know.
But... But, Ian, there's really nothing to resolve, but thank you.
You have got to stop calling her. You're really upsetting her and him!
- Like I care about him. - Well, you should.
- Why? - Because all you're doing is forming a little unit. Them against you!
Before you started all this psychotic madness, there was no unit.
There was just three people in a mess.
But now they've got something in common.
And you don't want to make anything worse.
How could it get any worse than Laura with Ian?
- Come on, Liz. - Rob, Rob, Rob.
Can I ask you a question? And you can think about it if you want to.
Just what is it?
Why do you want Laura back so badly?
Rob, phone.
I was walking on the water when I saw a crocodile
Barry, that fucking pricer's busted, and I'm not the one who broke it.
- Hello. - Rob?
Who is this?
Is this Ch... Is this Charlie?
Hi. I just got back into town.
Wow! Rob Gordon. The Rob Gordon.
So how are you doing? Huh? Does it seem like millions of years ago?
Yeah, yeah. Like a billion, right?
So, uh... God, Charlie Nicholson. How are you?
I mean, do you have kids and stuff like everybody else?
No. No, I'm too young, too single. I don't know.
Kids are too time-consuming, I guess, is the expression I'm looking for.
I'm not making this up. This is how she talks... as if nobody ever had...
a conversation about having kids in the entire history of the world.
She's incredible.
So, anyway, are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm sorry? - Well, you know... I don't know.
I just find these long-lost boyfriend calls a little unnerving.
- There's been a rash of them recently. - Is that right?
Yeah. Oh, remember Marco? I went out with him after you.
- Kind of. - Kind of, yeah.
Well, he called a few months ago.
I think he was going through one of those what-does-it-all-mean kind of things.
He wanted to see me and "rehash the past,"as they say.
God. Was I up for that? No. No. So... I don't know...
- Do all men go through that? - I've never heard of it before.
I'm sorry, Charlie, but what does "Are you in or out" mean?
Well, it means, are we friends or aren't we?
Because if we are, that's great. That's great.
But if we're not, I don't really want to spend time playing catch-up on the phone.
You know what I mean? I'm just really busy, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Of course.
- So, are you in or out, Rob? - I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.
Oh, yeah? Great. Do you want to come for a dinner party tomorrow night?
Have you ever watched a moonbeam
Can I help you?
- As it slid across your windowpane - Hello, Rob.
Remember me? Ray. Ian.
I thought maybe we should talk. You know, sort things out.
- What needs sorting out? - Ten phone calls a night.
Hanging around outside my house.
- I've stopped all of that now. - You were there this morning.
Obviously, I know how special Laura is, and I know how...
much pain you must be going through right now.
I would hate it if I lost her.
Oh. Guess who?
But I'd like to believe that if she decided...
that she didn't want to see me any more that...
I would respect those wishes.
You know what I'm saying, G?
- Yeah. - Good.
So shall we leave it at that then?
I've already left it, you pathetic rebound fuck!
Now, get your patchouli stink out of my store!
Move it, lard-ass!
Dumb motherfucker.
So, um, shall we leave it at that then?
- Tsk. No. - Don't! Don't!
- He's not worth it! - Leave town!
Leave the country! You little bitch!
'Cause you'll look back at ten phone calls a night as the golden age!
Get ready, motherfucker!
So shall we leave it at that then?
Get him!
- Come on! Get him! - Get him, man!
- Have you ever watched a moonbeam - Well, think about it, Rob.
Okay?
As it slid across your windowpane
Hey, jelly bean.
Charles.
- How are you? - Good. How are you?
Actually, it's hilarious. It's hilarious.
Hey, everybody! Everybody, this is Rob.
Rob, this is everybody.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Come on in. Make yourself at home. Is that for me? - Yeah.
- Oh, it's a little warm. I'll put it in the fridge. - I think if you get a dog...
- you've got to raise it yourself. - Your place doesn't have a yard, does it?
- You got to deal with a dog from day one. - Of course you do.
- You gotta take care of it, raise it... - Yeah, but...
- Do you want a drink? - Yeah, I would.
I can see now that I'm doomed to die...
a long, slow suffocating death, and I try to figure out why.
Of course there's envy. Why isn't my life like this?
Sure, I want their money and clothes and jobs and opinions.
And I'd like to have advice on jet lag, but that's not it.
I mean, they're not bad people, and I'm not a class warrior. It's something else.
- I never did. I never did. And I was very supportive... - And then it dawned on me.
- It came down to me to tell him the truth. - Charlie's awful.
What was the truth?
- She doesn't listen to anyone. She says terrible, stupid things... - No. Well, I have...
- and she apparently has no sense of humor at all... - You're right. I have to talk...
and talks shit all night long.
- Come here, you. Oh, I love you. - Bye-bye. - Maybe she's been like this all along.
- Bye, sweetheart. - Bye-bye.
- Call me tomorrow, okay? - Thanks for having us.
Call me. Promise to call me. Bye.
How did I manage to edit all this out?
How had I made this girl the answer to all the world's problems?
- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Rob.
So, Charlie, why'd you dump me for Marco?
Fuck! I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- What? - You are. You are going through...
one of those what-does-it-all-mean things.
- I can't believe you, Rob. - Yes, I am. Very much. Indeed so.
- Oh, God. - Come on. Answer the question.
Oh, come on, Charlie. Don't hold back.
You can say whatever you like.
Why'd you dump me for Marco?
Marco just seemed to be a bit more glamorous.
You know? More sure of himself.
Less hard work.
A little sunnier.
Sparkier.
Through the park Make love along the way
- In Mendocino - You put that ad up?
- Yeah. - What can you play?
Nothin'. What kind of stuff are you into?
The kind of stuff you mentioned.
But we want to be more experimental than that.
We want to retain our pop sensibilities, but, kind of, you know, go a little further out.
- That sounds great. - No gigs yet.
We just got together. Is Tuesday night cool for you?
- We'll just, you know... - What I have told you
- jam. - Yeah. - Can you dig it
All right.
Later.
- What? - What do you mean, what?
You've had that poster up on the wall for, like, 17,000 years.
And then some guy comes in off the street. You act like it's no big deal.
It's just a garage band. It's nothing special.
- Barry, you don't even play an instrument. - I can sing.
What, you think I'm gonna stick around here the rest of my life?
Hey, it's half past a monkey's ass. Let's go.
Oh, I can't, um, meet you guys at the club tonight.
- That's the way it is in Mendocino - Why?
- Who are you going to see? - Mendocino - Nobody.
- Rob! Lookie, lookie! Dick, are you getting some? - Mendocino
Un-fucking-believable!
Dick's got a hot date! How did this happen, Dick?
What rational explanation can there possibly be? What's her name?
- Anaugh. - Anaugh? Anaugh Conda?
- Anaugh Moss. - Anaugh Moss?
Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy?
And you met this bruiser where exactly?
The home for the mentally challenged or the blind or the bus station?
Um, here. She asked me about the, uh, new Green Day album...
- and then I told her... - Oh, man! Finally! Anaugh.
That's great, Dick! Really, smoke that ass.
Listen, Rob, I can't go to the club either.
I gotta get some lyrics down on paper.
Oh, yeah, me too. Well, not, uh, lyrics to get down.
But, um, uh... So I'll see you, um, tomorrow.
- Hi, Laura. - "Top five dream jobs."
- Hey, that's private. - "Number one:
"Journalist for Rolling Stone magazine, 1976 to 1979.
"Get to meet the Clash, Chrissie Hynde, Sex Pistols, David Byrne.
"Get tons of free records. Number two:
"Producer, Atlantic Records, 1964 to 1971.
Get to meet Aretha, Wilson Pickett, Solomon Burke."
- More free records. - "More free records and a shitload of money."
- Yeah. - "Number three: Any kind of musician."
Besides classical or rap.
- "Settle for being one of the Memphis Horns or something." - Sure.
- "I'm not asking to be Jagger or Hendrix or Otis Redding." - Uh-huh.
- "Number four: Film director." - Any kind except German or silent.
And number five, we have "architect."
- Yeah. - Seven years' training.
- I'm not sure I even want to be an architect. - So you've got a list here...
of five things you'd do if qualifications...
and time and history and salary were no object?
- Yeah. - One of them you don't really want to do anyway.
Well, I did put it at number five.
Wouldn't you rather own your own record store than be an architect?
- Yeah, I suppose. - And you wouldn't want to be a...
16th-century explorer or the king of France or...
- God, no. - All right. There you go then.
Dream job number five: Record store owner.
I find it interesting that you keep showing up here, Laura.
Well, this is the last of it.
Those bags look heavy. Where's Ian?
Or Ray or... What is his fucking name anyway?
- What do you call him? Ian or Ray? - Ray.
- I hate Ian. - I hate him too.
Yeah, I'm sure.
See ya.
Goodbye.
Top five things I miss about Laura.
One: Sense of humor. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving.
And she's got one of the best all-time laughs in the history of all-time laughs.
She laughs with her entire body.
Two: She's got character.
Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare.
She's loyal and honest and...
she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day.
That's character.
Three:
I miss her smell...
and the way she tastes.
It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it.
Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just feel like home.
I really dig how she walks around.
It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects.
And it's not that she doesn't care, it's just... She's not affected, I guess.
And that gives her grace.
And five: She does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep.
She kind of half-moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times.
It just kills me.
Believe me, I mean, I could do a top-five-things about her that drive me crazy...
but it's just your garden variety women, you know, schizo stuff...
and that's the kind of thinking that got me here.
- Look out! - Damn! You maggots!
Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man!
- You're pretty when you're angry. - Shit!
- Hey, Rob, Laura called. - Really?
What you gonna do
The man's gone out to get you
How you gonna know
- What is this? - It's Vince and Justin.
- Who's Vince and Justin? - It's those little skate fuckers.
- No way. - Way.
It's really...
It's really fuckin' good.
Hey, do you guys know Vince and Justin, the guys that come in my store?
- Yeah, they're right over there, man. - Thanks. - No problem.
- Quit smoking. I'm telling you should... - Hey! Your tape.
- It's good. - I know. We made it. - It's all right. Thank you.
I mean, it's rough, but, unbelievably, it shows promise.
I'll put out your record.
Any profits we split down the middle after I recoup expenses, okay?
Recoup expenses? Man, you're gonna recoup a big, fat Mercedes is what you're gonna do.
- We're not there yet, Justin. - I'm Vince.
Whatever. What's the name of your band?
- Uh, the Kinky Wizards. - Nice.
What's the name of your label?
Top Five Records.
What was that? You just told them you're gonna put out a record with them?
Yeah. So what? You said yourself those guys were good. What are you getting hot about?
Well, it just seems that you think it would be wiser to start a record label...
by putting out a record with business-crippling Nazi youth shoplifters...
than with someone you know in your bitter, jealous heart is a musical visionary, that's all.
Yeah, what do your songs sound like? Sex Pistols? Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?
You know what? You wouldn't be familiar with our immediate influences.
- Try me. - They're mostly German. - Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?
Hey. You called?
Fuckin' asshole.
- Laura, are you all right? - My dad...
My dad died.
- What's up? - Laura's dad died.
Oh, drag.
I'm sorry, Rob.
Hey, top five songs about death.
A Laura's dad tribute list.
Okay? Okay.
"Leader Of The Pack."
The guy fuckin' beefs it on his motorcycle and dies, right?
"Dead Man's Curve." Jan and Dean.
Do you know that right after they recorded that song, Jan himself, um, crashed his...
- It was Dean, you fuckin' idiot. - It was Jan.
- It was a long time after the song... - Okay, whatever.
"Tell Laura I Love Her." That would bring the house down.
Laura's mom could sing it.
- You know what I'd want? - Huh?
"One Step Beyond" by Madness.
No, no, no, no, no. Wh-When are you going home?
In a minute, when I get it together.
And, uh, "You Can't Always Get What You Want."
No, immediate disqualification because of its involvement with The Big Chill.
Oh, God, you're right.
Um, Mom wants you to come to the funeral.
- Oh. Me? - Yeah, 'cause my dad really liked you, and...
Mom never told him we'd split, because he wasn't up to it.
"Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald." Uh, Gordon Lightfoot.
Bastard. That's so good. That should have been mine.
Do you, uh... Do you want me there?
I don't care, as long as you don't expect me to hold your hand.
- Is Ray going? - No!
The night Laura's daddy died
Sha-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na-na-na
Brother, what a night it really was
Mother, what a night it really... Angina's tough
Glory be
Brother, what a night it really was
Brother, what a night Angina's tough...
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...
- on Earth as it is in heaven. - Songs at my funeral:
- Bless this day... - "Many Rivers To Cross" by Jimmy Cliff.
"Angel" by Aretha Franklin...
and I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful, tearful woman will insist on...
"You're The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me" by Gladys Knight.
- But who would that woman be? - Amen.
- Hey, Jo. - Hi, Liz. - Hey.
- How are you doing? - I'm all right, I suppose.
Mom's not too bad. But Laura... I don't know.
Yeah, well, she's had a rough time of it already without this.
It's just so hard when you put all of your efforts into one area of your life...
and it doesn't work out.
Don't mind me. Really. It's no problem. Just pretend like you're talking about someone else. It's okay.
Well, in fact, we are talking about someone else. We're talking about Laura.
- Oh. - Oh?
Don't fuckin' say "oh" like that to me, Liz.
I'm really sorry, Jo. Look, I can either stick up for myself...
or I can believe everything you say about me and end up hating myself.
But that's not much of a life, is it? Huh?
- I mean... - Do you think this is really the time to be talking about...
Just because it's never the time, Liz? I can't go on apologizing my whole life.
I think just the once would do!
- I'm very sorry, Laura. - Thanks for coming.
I'm so sorry, Laura.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Laura, I'm sorry.
Most of the time
I'm clear-focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
- I can see now I never really committed to Laura. - Most of the time
I always had one foot out the door...
and that prevented me from doing a lot of things...
like thinking about my future and...
- I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing. - Most of the time
- Keep my options open. - It's well understood
- And that's suicide. - Most of the time
- By tiny, tiny increments. - I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation
Right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
Hell, I don't even think
About her
Most of the time
Are you gonna lie in that flower bed all night?
No.
- You're soaking. - Yeah.
You're also an idiot.
- Look, Laura, I'm really sorry. - Thank you. I appreciate it.
Why don't you just get back, and I'm just gonna wait here for the bus.
No, I don't want to be there. When I saw you leave, I used it as an excuse to get out.
- Is there anything I can do? - Come on.
- Where? - I'll show you. Let's go.
Right.
Dad used to bring us here when we were kids.
Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me?
'Cause I want to feel something else than this.
It's either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire.
Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
No. I only have a few left. I've been saving them for later.
Right. It'll have to be sex then.
Right. Right.
I knew there was a reason I wore a skirt today.
- Just stay there. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hi.
It doesn't seem so long ago that I looked at you from here.
Hey, go be with your mom.
I'm too tired.
I'm too tired not to be with you.
Well, so if you had a bit more energy, we'd stay split up?
But things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you wanna get back together?
- Is that it? - Yeah.
What about Ian?
Well, Ray's a disaster.
Look...
I, I know it's not very romantic, Rob.
But there will be romance again at some stage, I'm sure. L...
- I just... - So that's it?
Well, you've made it clear you want me back, so...
Look, um, we can talk about it later if-if you want to.
Right now, l... I just...
Right now, I just want to go home with you.
Okay.
So, yeah.
And so we got back together, and it was great.
She moved all her stuff back in, all at once.
- So when exactly did you decide to get back with me exactly? - I'm not telling you.
- See, that's not... not a nice way to play at all. That's not... - The better you look
- We went out to dinner every night. - The more I want you
What else?
- When you turn on your smile - We stayed in and made love all the time.
- I feel my heart go wild - We talked about the future.
- Important stuff. Issues. - I'm like a child with
- A brand new toy - How can you like Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye?
That's like saying you support the Israelis and the Palestinians.
No, it's not like saying that at all actually, Rob.
Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.
Made. Made. Marvin Gaye's dead. His father shot him.
You could say it was everything I ever wanted really.
- Marvin Gaye! - I know.
"Let's Get It On." That's our song!
Marvin Gaye is responsible for our entire relationship.
Oh, is that so? I'd like a word with him then.
It was everything I ever wanted...
except for some fuckin' reason...
this...
Excuse me. Is this Stereolab?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I haven't heard this one. It's really good.
Yeah, I know.
- Are you Bob? - Rob.
Oh, right. Yeah, Rob. You used to deejay.
I used to go to the Doubledoor to hear you spin.
You were unbelievable.
- Really? - I'm Caroline.
Hi.
- What do you do? - I work for the Reader. I write a music column.
You're Caroline Fortis? I read your column.
- It's great. You really know what you're talking about. - Thanks.
- Rob, phone. - Can you take a message?
It's your girlfriend.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey, what the fuck is this?
- Talk to your woman. - It was her idea.
Crumbs busted Pass the popcorn as I kick...
Laura!
"Dance music for old people"?
It's an idea I had when I was with, um, Ian...
and I thought it was such a good one that I was really annoyed we weren't together any more.
- It may be why I came back. - A record release party?
What if I was doing something that can't be canceled?
- Rob, what are you ever doing that can't be canceled? - That's not the point!
- The single cannot be done in time. I mean, there's a million things! - It'll be done.
Oh, guess what. Barry said his band will play a set.
Barry is playing at this thing?
Fucking, what are you... Are you insane?
- Barry, I'll give... I'll give you ten percent of the door if you don't play. - No!
Rob, we're getting that anyway.
- Twenty. Twenty percent. - No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig.
A hundred and ten percent. That's how much it means to me not to hear you play.
- Rob, we're called Sonic Death Monkey. - Sonic Death Monkey?
Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends can't handle it, fuck them.
Let 'em riot. We're Sonic fucking Death Monkey.
Let me get this straight. We made the CD with you.
Now your friends and your girlfriend are throwing some kind of celebration party or something...
and you're asking us not to come to the party?
Exactly.
I don't know, dude. That just seems kind of stupid.
It's just the whole thing is just blown way out of proportion.
It's just a three-song CD. It's a single.
It's just... It's not a big deal.
It's just that you're making something.
You, the critic, the professional appreciator...
put something new into the world...
and the second one of those things gets sold to someone, you're officially a part of it.
Congratulations, Rob.
You know, I guess I think I've always been a professional critic...
you know, or some sort of professional appreciator or something.
And I just wanted to, you know, do something new...
put something new out into the world...
you know, kind of really put my money where my mouth is.
Yeah. Wow. I would... You know, I would love to hear them.
- Why don't I send it over to you when it's, uh, done? - Really?
- I will look forward to that. - I will look forward to sending it.
- You know, we should get back to the interview. - Sure, yeah.
Okay. What are your all-time top five favorite records?
In a club or at home?
Listen. I'll tell you what. Why don't I just make you a tape?
Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art.
Many do's and don'ts.
First of all, you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel.
This is a delicate thing.
So, for this one, I'm thinking...
I'm thinking...
When is this gonna stop?
When's what gonna stop?
Uh, nothin'.
Who's the tape for?
Just some girl who interviewed me for the Reader.
So what am I gonna do now? Just keep jumping from rock to rock...
for the rest of my life until there aren't any rocks left?
Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new?
I've been thinking with my gut since I was 14 years old...
and, frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.
Hi. A drinking lunch on a school day.
That's a nice surprise.
- Are you nervous about tomorrow night? - Not really, no.
Well, um, are you gonna talk to me, or shall I get my paper out?
- No, no, I'm gonna talk to you. - Great. What are you gonna talk to me about?
Um, I'm gonna talk to you about whether or not...
you want to get married to me.
- I'm serious. - Yes, I know.
Well, thanks a fucking bunch.
I'm sorry, but two days ago you were making tapes...
- for that girl from The Reader. - Yeah.
Well, forgive me if I don't think of you as the world's safest bet.
Would you marry me if I was?
- What brought all this on? - I don't know.
- I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time. - About what?
This stuff. Love and settling down and marriage, you know?
I want to think about something else.
I changed my mind.
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
- I do. I will. - Just shut up, please.
I'm trying to explain, okay?
That other girl, or other women, whatever...
I mean, I was thinking that they're just fantasies.
You know? And they always seem really great...
because there's never any problems.
And if there are, they're cute problems like...
you know, we bought each other the same Christmas present...
or she wants to go see a movie that I've already seen, you know?
And then I come home, and you and I have real problems...
and you don't even want to see the movie I want to see, period.
- There's no lingerie and... - I have lingerie.
Yes, you do. You have great lingerie, but you also have the cotton underwear...
that's been washed a thousand times, and it's hanging on the thing and...
A-And they have it too. It's just I don't have to see it because it's not in the fantasy.
Do you understand?
I'm tired of the fantasy...
because it doesn't really exist.
And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
- Delivers? - Delivers.
Right. And I'm tired of it.
And I'm tired of everything else, for that matter.
But I don't ever seem to get tired of you.
So...
I think I know what you mean.
But were you really expecting me to say yes?
I don't know. I didn't think about it really.
I thought asking was the important part.
Well, you've asked. Thank you.
- All right! - Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight.
That was just a little bit of "I Sold My Mom's Wheelchair..."
the title track from the album of same name...
the record we're having this record release party for.
The two burgeoning criminals behind this opus are standing by the bar.
They're underage, and we'll lose our liquor license...
But we'll get to them in a moment.
First, I have to introduce a band, so please don't leave...
until after they finish and we play the record.
Right now, it's my great, great pleasure...
to introduce Sonic Death Monkey.
I'm an idiot. I should've played the whole album first.
- These people are gonna burn the place down. - No, no, it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine. These people are ready for anything.
- It's gonna be fine. Watch. - Thank you.
You're too kind. Rob, thank you for the enthusiastic intro...
but we're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey.
Uh, we're on the verge of being called, uh, Kathleen Turner Overdrive.
However, this evening we will be Barry Jive...
and the Uptown Five.
I been really tryin', baby
To hold on to this feeling
For so long
And if you feel
Like I feel, sugar, come on
Ohhh, come on, oooh
Let's get it on
Let's love, sugar
Let's get it on
Sugar
Let's get it on
Whoo-ooh-ooh
We are all sensitive people
With so much to give
Understanding, sugar
Since we got to be
Let's live
I love you
There's nothin' wrong
With me loving you
And giving yourself to me
Could never be wrong
If the love is true, oh, baby
Don't you know how sweet and wonderful
- Life can be - The making of a great compilation tape...
like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem.
You gotta kick it off with a killer to grab attention.
Then you gotta take it up a notch, but you don't want to blow your wad.
So then you gotta cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules.
Anyway, I've started to make a tape...
- Here's the songs that meet our ears - in my head for Laura.
- And sights our eyes behold - Full of stuff she'd like.
Full of stuff that'd make her happy.
We'll open up our merging hearts
- For the first time, I can sort of see how that's done. - And see our empty souls
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fall in love
This time it will be forever
Without despair
We will share
And the joys of caring
Will not be replaced
What has been
Must never end
And with the strength we have
Won't be erased
When the truth of love are planned and firm
They won't be hard to find
And the words of love I speak to you
Will echo in my mind
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fall in love this time
It will be forever, ever
Ever, ever, ever, ever
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever, ever, ever
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever, ever
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever
- God answered - I believe when I fall in love
- My prayer - With you it will be forever
- God answered my prayer - I believe when I fall in love with you
- It will be forever - Oh, baby
Well, I just got out my little red book
The minute that you said goodbye
I thumbed right through my little red book
I wasn't gonna sit and cry
And I went from A to Z
I took out every pretty girl in town
They danced with me and as I held them
All I did was talk about you
Hear your name and I'd start to cry
There's just no getting over you
Oh, no
There ain't no girl in my little red book
Who could ever replace your charms
And each girl in my little red book
Knows you're the one I'm thinking of
Oh, won't you please come back
Without your precious love I can't go on
Where can love be, I need you so much
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and I'd start to cry
There's just no getting over you
Oh, no
Oh, won't you please come back
Without your precious love I can't go on
It's haunting me, I need you so much
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and I'd start to cry
There's just no getting over you
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and, oh, I'd start to cry
There's just no getting over you
Oh, no