Hello? Oh, Susan, erm, come to my office, please. Right away.
As you know, the job pays reasonably well.
And if you work hard, who knows? You may end up behind this desk one day.
Come in. This is, erm, Nick.
- Michael. - Oh, I'm sorry. Michael.
He's new here. Tell him about his duties and well, and he's to start at once.
Turn that off!
Now, you'll get your wages every Saturday.
- Good luck, son. - Thanks a lot, guv.
Er, none of your "guv" in this establishment.
It's always "sir". Don't forget.
- Please, sir... Thank you, sir. - All right then.
There's a storeroom there where you can leave bits and pieces,
cashier's desk.
Down this corridor is the main baths. Men's on the left, women's on the right.
That's my box room down the end there with the door open,
you've got one on the left.
- Your first job? - Yeah.
I thought it would be all white.
I only left school at Christmas.
You'll be all right here. You can leave your coat there.
I'll show you the pool.
Come on.
Hey, will I be allowed to swim here?
Yeah, anytime you want. Hey! Hey...
Come on, this way. I'll show you what to do.
Keep going, you won't be so cold.
I'll explain to you about the bath. Oh, that's the toilets there.
Both those doors there.
As I said, your box room on the left.
And that's my section.
Come here, handsome. You'll get yourself great tips, even better than mine.
What do you mean?
Er, number four hasn't been done out. I'll show you what to do in here.
Well, you know, old chap,
ladies of a certain age tend to favour polite and obliging young boys.
- So do some gentlemen. - Yeah.
Well, first you...
I'm not to wait on ladies, am I?
We'll see.
First, you scrub it out.
I know some women who'd tip you 10 bob for nothing, really.
- Just for imagining things. - Yeah.
After some of them, this is quite a job.
Then you lay out a clean towel, soap,
a dry brush, a mat, a bathrobe and a...
- Can I help you do it? - No, it's all right.
And wipe the masterpieces off the wall.
And don't believe everything you read, as the teacher said.
When they're in here, they're all supermen.
- Right, can you remember all that? - Um...
Towel... No, wash it, towel,
bathmat, bathrobe,
- um, sheet... - And?
- And masterpieces. - Right.
There. It's a bit rough but it'll do.
Right, we'll go and get you changed.
You've got shorts and a t-shirt and a white coat like mine.
There you are. Your first customer.
Oh, sir. Please come in.
Number five, I think, please, sir. Just down there.
Hang on. I'll get a towel.
What did he say? Number five?
No, sir, no. Please, sir. Number five is down there.
Um, yeah, number five. This is number two.
Sir, come, come, come...
- Towel, sir, please. - That's all right.
- Soap. Soap. Soap. - Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.
A bathrobe?
Hello? Hold on, I'll see if she's here. Susan!
I can't find her. Sorry.
- Yes. - Oh, there you are.
There was a call for you. Sorry.
- Who? - A man, of course.
Of course.
- Mike? - Yeah?
Mike, be a dear, look after my section for a bit, would you?
I've got to pop out for a couple of minutes.
There's a customer I know in the waiting room. She's a decent sort.
Put her in cubicle three.
- Yeah, but... - You're not worried, are you?
All right?
Yeah, all right, Susan.
And, don't call her "guv".
The girl attendant isn't here, madam. But I will show you to your cabin.
Lovely.
Your cabin...
- You're new here, aren't you? - Yes.
- You keen on football? - Yes, madam.
Would you get me a shampoo for medium dry hair?
You'll find it in the girl's box room.
Come in.
- Oh, it's you, boy. - Yes. Your shampoo, madam.
- Would you help me with this? - Yes, madam.
- The buttons as well. - Um, yes, madam.
Careful, boy, you're so rough.
Sorry, madam. Um, will that be all?
Uh, no, this is a bloody nuisance as well.
You might as well undo it while you're here.
Look, um, I don't know how.
- All right, if you're so useless. - Thank you, madam.
Wait a minute.
Here, take this and get out.
Oh, no, no, no, really. Thank you.
It's okay, nothing really. It was nothing.
Who will be the first in?
Shoes off! Everybody!
Come on. Come, come, come, come, come, come, come.
Having a good time?
Help! Help! I nearly fainted.
I think the water was too hot.
I feel giddy.
Oh, I just... If I could just rest.
Oh! Wait, wait.
It's not as if something really happened.
I mean, it wouldn't look good, would it?
If you were in here with me. Just wait a little.
It'll soon pass over.
Are you... Are you keen on football?
All the boys are, aren't they?
One way or another?
It's always tackle, dribble, dribble,
- shoot... - Yes, but...
Why can't you look into my eyes?
Look, boy. Stop it.
Stop staring at my tits.
What position do you play in, boy?
- Where do you play, hmm? - Goalkeeper.
Oh, it doesn't matter, they're all the same now.
They're all playing all over the pitch,
pushing hard and bucking tight.
Screening the ball, tackle, tackle,
dribble, dribble, shoot.
Keep your eyes off, boy. It isn't decent.
Did you see Georgie Best score those six goals at Northampton?
Six of them.
The second one,
when he got his head to it, just a touch and it flew in.
Or that other one, when he...
When he dribbled across the field... a dummy.
Close. Dribble, dribble...
And shot. No, no, he just...
He just pushed it in.
Just glided it in.
Slowly,
just inside the post.
Oh, Lord, you can't keep Georgie out.
Oh, boy. Boy. Georgie. Georgie.
Best!
Get out!
I don't need you any more.
Mike?
- What are you doing up there? - Well, is it okay to be up here?
- Manager never comes up here. - Mmm. Good.
What is it?
Oh, it's just some birds up here, nesting.
Really?
Here, this is for you.
- 10 bob? - From that fat beauty.
- How was it? All right? - I don't want the money.
Oh, come on, don't be so childish. You keep it.
- I don't want it. - You keep it.
- Sue, I don't want it. - Mike.
I helped out a bit here while you were busy with her.
- Thanks. - Do you see what I mean?
You can pick up quite a bit really.
You don't have to do anything for it.
Just go along with the gag, that's all they want.
Do you think we'd better go down?
I'll, um... I'll pick them out
and tell you when to swap.
- MAN: Shop? - That sounds like my dad.
- Shop, Michael! - That sounds like...
Hey, let's have some service here.
Could be my father.
Mum! Dad!
Hey, Mum, please, look. This is for gents only.
- You'll have to go in the women's... - Nice welcome we get.
It's your mum's bath night, son.
Mummy's boy.
Better late than never, if you ask me, eh, son?
Please, Mum, go in the women's. You'll have the full treatment, okay?
Her full treatment.
How goes it, son?
Oh, it goes all right.
Sue, Sue, you know that woman you've got in there? It's me mum.
So what?
Well, be nice to her. Give her the treatment.
- It's too late. - What?
- I had to put her in her place. - But why?
She deserves it.
Sue, what are you saying? I told you. It's me mum.
Your mum is a cow.
Sue. Sue!
You can't say things like that. It's not nice.
She's a cow.
Your mother's a silly old cow! Yes!
She can't be. She's dead.
Sue, I'm... I'm sorry.
- Good night. - See you at home.
Reading on duty?
Mike, I'll see to things in your section.
There's a lady waiting, will you see to her?
Oh, my mum left this for you.
Did she?
Go on. Go on.
I'm afraid the girl attendant isn't here but I'll show you to your cabin, madam.
- Are you new here? - Yes.
But I don't like football.
Can you fetch me a bottle of shampoo, please?
Yep.
Oh, that's no good. I need a medicated one.
Well, if it's no good, it's no good. What can I do?
Um, it's your medicated shampoo.
Thanks.
Sorry.
- Sir! - Mike.
It's good to see you again. How are you?
- I'm fine, sir. - You like working here?
Oh, it keeps me fit now I'm no longer in your class.
Does it?
Not bad.
I expect I'll be running into you now and again.
In winter I take a bath here occasionally.
See you around.
Come on, get your clothes off. What are you hanging about for? Hop in.
Mmm, thanks.
- Where do you want to... - Let's sit over here.
- Cheese and pickle, is that all right? - Yeah, great.
Here, look at this.
Here, look at this lot. Look.
I feel like an organ grinder, look at this. Look.
All right.
Oi, look at the old one upon the board there.
Wahey! Look at that.
- Bet you can't do that, Mike. - Oh, never tried.
There's always a first time.
Hey, that's her. That's the girl.
Oh, to be a sandwich, now that spring is here.
Why don't you go and change in the men's room?
You can't change out here.
It's all right. She's seen it all before, hasn't she?
Hey, you can't swim like that.
- I mean, have you had her yet? - Calm down.
Have you been up there? Gone down there? She any good, is she?
Give us it back!
- Go and get it. - Get it your bloody self!
Push him, come on, push him.
That's it. Hold him down.
Keep him down!
Come on, lads, don't let him get away.
Here you are. They're quite dry now.
No good?
You see, it's the same every night in winter.
It never starts on its own.
One of these days, I'm really going to give her one.
- What? - That girl Susan.
Right, Mike, you jump in the driving seat and I'll push.
Release the clutch very slowly, once we're going at a bit of a lick...
Do you know how many people have laid her?
Yes, sir, can I help you?
It's all right, I've already talked to the manager.
Oh, great, it's these. Did you read about these?
- Can I have one to put in my room? - Yes, of course.
Oh, thanks, great. Oh, fantastic. Did you see it in the paper?
- Hmm? - What does it say?
It's that thing from the Family Planning Association.
The Pregnant Man. I think it's a good idea.
- Gives you quite a shock, doesn't it? - Stupid. It's completely stupid.
- Cheerio. - BOTH: Bye.
- What is it? Why is it stupid? - Because a man can never get pregnant.
That's hardly the point. The point is to shock.
It makes you look at it and then you think about...
Perhaps I ought to think about...
About what? The whole thing's stupid.
How can a man ever be like that? You can tell... You can see that...
- Come here, sit. - No, look.
- You can see it's just a cushion... - Shut up.
- What? - Sit down.
Put your feet up here.
Move the pig. Put your feet up.
Lie back. Just relax.
- Just relax. Just relax. - Sue...
Try to relax. Lie down.
- Susan, it's just a poster. - See, fantastic.
You can't be playing around with it. Susan, stop it.
- Susan. - Oh, wait. Wait a minute.
I've got a better idea.
- What if a customer came in? - Hey, hey, stop it.
Now I'll be arrested for defacing government property or something.
Defacing, get it? Deface...
Lie down, Mike.
Oh, that's fantastic.
- Is it? - Yeah, it's really good.
It's very good. Yeah, you're all right. Can you feel it kicking?
- What? - The baby, silly.
There you go. Stand up.
- Yeah, that's not bad. - Yeah?
Would you be more careful if it was you that got pregnant?
What?
Would you be more careful if it was you that got pregnant?
Hmm?
- Mike? - I...
I can't be more careful than I am at the moment.
What do you mean?
I just mean, that I...
- I've never... I've never... - Never? Really?
- No. - Why not? Don't you want to?
Yeah, yeah, of course I want to.
It's not like some of these people...
- Don't get embarrassed. ...always going round with girls...
You're all red, Mike.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
- Why should I be embarrassed? - No, you're quite red.
- Look, maybe I should... - Nothing to be embarrassed about.
You always go all silly when I talk about sex.
- No, I don't. No, I don't. - You do.
Would you fancy it with...
Do you think if...
the cashier?
- Don't joke. - I'm not joking.
You'll have to stay late one night.
And you'll see her lonely, voluptuous figure
standing, waiting for you.
Hmm?
Look, Susan, don't joke about these things, okay?
I'm not joking. Give us a kiss. Give us a kiss.
Eh? Mike?
Um...
- You know what, Sue? - What?
I could see you home tonight, if you want me to.
You know what?
My fiancé is picking me up tonight.
Nice weather for ducks, isn't it?
Oh, I don't want to see this.
- Why not? - Oh, it's silly. It's dirty.
You're not going to have one of your moodies again, are you? Come on.
- Two eight and sixes, please. - 17 shillings, sir.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Oh, and a pack of those chocolate things.
Treats?
- Thanks. - Thank you, sir.
Oh, there are surprises, even in sexual life.
According to my latest findings
a woman has 3,267
erogenic zones.
So...
Good evening. There are many misleading theories
about the subject of women who are so- called frigid.
Books have been filled on the subject.
Many, many books.
But these are pseudo-scientific studies.
Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that there are no frigid women.
Take your knickers off.
Yes, and it all depends on you.
When properly manipulated, dear friend.
Scientifically speaking.
Excited?
Fondled?
You can prepare your sexual partner
to the highest level of sexual satisfaction.
What's up?
- This bloody bastard's touching me up. - What?
Shh!
- I'll get the manager. - Yeah.
Sue, Sue, you know it's me. It's only a joke.
Sit down.
- Yeah, that's him. - Sir?
You should be ashamed of yourself. At your age.
- Shh! - Should I get the police?
- Do you want to charge him? - Do you want to charge him?
Of course I want to charge him.
- She wants to charge him. - I'll get the police.
Well, get the police! Go on, then.
All right. All right.
- Move up. - Shh. Do sit down.
You're making a bloody fool of me.
- What's the matter with you? - Shut up.
For Christ's sake, bloody move up.
Right, what's going on? Shut the bloody door.
- That's him. - Oi, get the light out of my eyes.
Come on, son. Come on, son. Get moving.
Get up.
- I hope everything's all right now. - Yes, thank you.
Enjoy yourselves.
What is the matter with you?
Waste of time.
So you see, a little love goes a long, long way.
What exactly were you doing to her?
- I love her. - You perverted little monster.
I'm not a perverted little monster.
Get that couple in. We can't press charges without their evidence.
- Get them in. - All right.
- How old are you, son? - 15.
- 15? - 15.
15. Then you had no right to be here.
This is an X film.
They're not there. They've left.
- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
Well, then there's no charge.
Wait a moment. Maybe there is.
How old would you say this boy is?
Well, about 18?
15! How come you let him in?
- 15. Yes. - 15?
Performing manipulations of this kind at 15.
- But I was... - He looks much older.
Well, I'll have to talk to the cashier.
She had no right to sell him the ticket.
We'll know you if it happens again.
We've got a note of your name and address
and you won't get off so easily next time. Go on. Buzz off.
- Now then. - Well, gentlemen.
Have a drink?
Gin and tonic.
I only mean that if you want me,
you should understand others wanting me in the same way.
They like me, too.
- How can you compare me to him? - He's just a kid. Scaring him is enough.
A kid? Pawing you from behind like that?
That's what you always try to do. Paw me.
Why didn't you charge him in the cinema?
You said you were going to charge him.
- We got the manager. - When we're married
you can look after me. For the time being,
just let me take care of things my own way, would you?
Yeah, oh, come on.
Yeah.
This man's trying to molest me.
- Eh, one of those again, eh? - What?
Just one moment, sir.
- Did he speak to you? - Look, it's him again.
- Bastard's trying to molest me. - Did he make any indecent suggestions?
- He was trying to touch me. - Oh.
This little bugger was sitting behind us in the cinema...
All right for now, sir.
Are you charging him, boy, with importuning?
Hah! Look, he doesn't even know what it means.
Yes, yes, I want to charge him.
All right, lad. Your name?
Look, I can explain the situation to you. It's quite...
Your name, sir, please.
Is that what... Look, he's gone. Look, look.
I'd still like your name.
On what are you gonna base the charge? What is it?
Importuning, sir.
Why are you always doing that?
Well, I could use the extra bob. Anyway, I'm bored.
Everything gets boring after a time.
Your fiancé seems a good sort of chap.
He's okay.
He phoned me first thing this morning.
- Yeah? He must have a few bob. - Yeah.
- When's the happy day? - Not just yet.
But I might decide tomorrow, as a matter of fact.
Tomorrow? Why tomorrow?
We're going to buy the ring.
Do you think I should have a diamond, or a ruby, or maybe a sapphire?
Hmm?
Afterwards, we're gonna go and have something to eat somewhere, I expect.
A little celebration.
Then we're gonna go to Skull.
Skull? What's Skull?
Mike, what are you doing?
It's a nightclub. Mike, stop it. Stop wasting my cotton.
Here. Give it to me.
It's all dirty. Look what you've done.
Madam, excuse me. Could you please... You're not allowed in here.
Could you go outside? This is for the attendant only, you know.
Keep an eye on my section, would you, Mike?
- What's going on? - WOMAN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- What's going on? - What's the problem?
Who sounded the alarm?
What is it?
What is it? Who sounded the alarm? Just a moment.
Now, just a moment.
Who did it?
Ladies. Ladies, return to your section. You're not allowed to mix with the men.
- There is no fire. - I know.
I know, it was a false alarm.
I apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Return to your cubicles.
Damn it. Now, don't think I don't know what's going on here.
Unpunctuality, tea leaves thrown down the toilet.
Cigarette ends in the cubicles.
And there was a dirty towel
just lying in the main corridor on Tuesday afternoon.
Just see it doesn't happen again.
Stop it, stop it!
Oh, stop it. Help me stop it.
What a monster, it goes on forever.
She knows who has to clear this up.
- Take it over here. - She started it going anyway.
Keeping me out of the way.
Good afternoon, son. I'd like to know where your, um...
toilet is.
Oh, er, toilet. Right, toilet.
Yes, it's, um... You see, one, two, three, on the left.
Thank you.
Mike.
Get out of my way.
Stay out of my way. You're crazy.
Hey, Sue. Pack it up. Pack it up!
Sue, Susan!
Don't... Stop, my bike. You've ruined my bike.
Mike?
There's a customer for you in my section.
No...
I told you, Sue. No more swapping!
No, it's not. She asked you by name. She knows you.
- Kathy. Kathleen something or other. - Kathy.
Your girlfriend?
I haven't got one.
- Kathy, where are you? - I'm here, Mike.
Don't be so shy, Mike. Come on in.
- What brings you here? - The bath, of course.
Your service has become quite famous, you know?
No, really. The boys told me you were here.
You had a fight over that girl, didn't you?
Yep. She's not my girl. It's just that they were asking for it.
I was just curious.
You never phone any more. What's the matter?
Do you still want to...
Look, Mike, it's all right now. Since you've left, things have happened.
- Kathy. - It's all right now, Mike.
- It's all right now. - Kathy, stop it.
I don't know how to explain. It's not you, you're all right.
It's just that...
I don't know, all that old scene seems so strange now.
As if it were someone else, not me at all.
I'm sorry, Kathy.
Hey, don't forget your tip!
Let me take it, madam.
You'd like some of this, wouldn't you?
Susan, can't you see I'm busy?
Of course I'm very lucky not having a weight problem.
I can eat almost anything.
You're very quiet this morning. What's wrong with you?
Just sign.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Excuse me a moment. - Can I help you?
Have you seen a couple come in?
The girl's a redhead. Very good looking. You couldn't miss her.
Ooh, one went in about 10 minutes ago with a dark balding gentleman.
Oh, no. The bloke's got a lot of hair. Sort of horse-faced.
Ooh, actually there were two gentlemen.
Good evening, sir.
The other man may have been a bit horsey.
- How are you? - Oh, fine, thank you.
That could be them.
- Yeah, I'll take a single. - Are you a member, sir?
A member? No.
In that case, I'm afraid you can't go in, sir.
Not unless you want to enrol and pay your membership fee.
Well, how much is that?
- Three guineas, please, sir. - Three guineas!
Fill in this form, please.
And I'm afraid there's another 12 and 6
for your first drink.
- Hello, darling. - Good evening.
- There we are. - Two, please.
- Thank you. - Look, um,
couldn't I go in without a drink, just this once?
Oh, I'm afraid it's not possible under our rules.
Do you still wish to join?
- Can I use your loo? - Certainly, in there.
- Hello, Angie. How's your love life? - Good evening, sir.
- Thank you. - That's my fiancée. Not bad, eh?
Here you go then.
- I'll see you later. -
Thank you.
- I'm terribly sorry. - Good evening, madam.
- Sorry... - Step this way, please.
- Sorry. - Warmer inside, sir.
Hop it.
- How much is a hot dog? - One and nine, sir.
- Yes, yes, all right. - With mustard?
- One and nine, please, sir. - Thank you very much.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.
Live show, sir. On now.
Only 10 bob, she takes everything off.
Film show, too, sir. You'll find it very educational.
Hot dog, please.
- With mustard? - Yes.
One and nine, please.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.
Live continuous striptease, goes on now.
Eighteen lovely girls, nothing on and nowhere to hide.
They're all beautiful. Not a stitch on.
All comes off here. Everything's on show.
They move, they dance.
It's a beautiful show. Good clean show. Lots of lovely ladies in here, sir.
Every one hand picked by myself. Coming inside, sir?
Eh, coming inside? Are you gonna see the show?
Worth every penny you got.
10 bob, 10 bob to get in, sir. 10 bob.
Hey. What you doing with that, sir? Put it down. Move out of my way.
Here, put her down.
As naked as the day they were born.
Only bigger and juicier.
Nothing on and nowhere to hide.
Step inside, sir. The show's on now. Continuous show.
Step right inside, sir. The show's on now. The show's on now.
Where did you get this poster?
Angelica, continental, born in Manchester.
Why don't you ask her for yourself if you can afford her. Very expensive girl.
Step right inside, sir. The show's on now.
Eighteen beautiful girls, nothing on and nowhere to hide.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.
Eighteen lovely girls, nothing on and nowhere to hide.
It all comes off in here. Not a stitch on.
Continuous live striptease. 10 bob to get in, sir.
Excuse me, sir. I say, sir. You coming inside, sir?
You can probably go inside, sir, for 10 bob. Going in?
- Show's on now. -
Hold on.
- Sorry. - Who is it?
Hey, where's Angelica? Who's taken Angelica?
It's me. A customer. A customer, yes.
Hey, hey, where's Angelica? Have you seen her? Someone's taken Angelica!
- Can I come in? - Yeah, of course you can.
I'll be busy now. Well, dear, what can I do for you?
Could I stay for a while, please?
Please do. Welcome. Don't be shy.
- Could I wash my hands? - Yeah, over there.
Thank you.
You got a match?
A match? Yes.
Here.
You're all trembling, why?
Well, I... I've been running a lot.
Have a drink, won't you?
Thanks. Well, how much is it?
- Be my guest. - Oh, thank you.
Why don't you take a glass?
Um, why make it dirty?
- Well, I... - Hey.
What do you do, boy? Are you at school?
- Um, no, I work. - Where?
Where is she? Where's Angelica?
I'm a public baths attendant.
Nice job, is it?
Well, it could, yeah, it could be worse.
Pays well?
Yes, quite well. I got my first 10 quid today.
Oh. Today. Any tips?
Um, yeah. 10 bob. I got 10 bob once.
10 bob? He must've been a queer. Must've fancied you.
- No, no. - Be careful, boy.
No, really, it was nothing like that. It was a lady.
A lady? What did you do for her?
Nothing really. I think she was a bit soft in the head.
She kept on talking about football.
Oh, we're probably in the same line.
Football, huh? Are you a football fan?
Yes, I am.
Hang on, come here. Let me show you something. Come.
Look.
You know him?
Yeah, yeah, he's great. He plays for West Bromwich.
Yes, well, um...
I see you're not working so I'll have to go.
What do you mean, not working?
I've never needed work more. There's no insurance in this kind of business.
- Do you know how much I'm worth? - No.
I used to take five quid for a short time.
It's £2 and 10 now of course.
Close the door.
Oh, it's Angelica. Do you fancy her as well?
Do you... Do you know this girl? Do you know her?
Well, it depends on what you mean by know her.
Yeah, but you know her name.
What do you do with all your money, boy?
I keep £3 and give the rest to my mother.
- But do you know this girl? - £7?
Seven quid? You're mad. What do they need it for? They've no shame.
- Well, they feed me. About this girl... - They should.
They've brought you into this world, haven't they?
They've had their fun, they can pay now.
They wanna have it free.
So you've only got three quid left.
You can't imagine the things we can do for three quid.
- Yes, but you said two and a half. - Yes.
Two and a half, of course.
Hey, let's not waste anymore time.
Where do you need her? There?
You just want to see her when you do it, is that it?
It's easier for you, eh?
No, stop it, stop it, please.
Oh, stop it, look, I have to go now.
You think you can just go and leave a girl in this state?
I don't have to pay you, do I?
What do you think? You've had my time, my drink, my emotions.
You made me nervous.
Look, come on, stop it. Give it to me.
Give me the thing, give it.
Hey you! Where's Angelica? What have you done with her?
Hey, hey, hey. Come on, where is she? Oh, sod it.
Come on, give it... You sod.
Come on, you little pervert.
- Where is she? I want her back. - Go on, bastard.
Hey, come back. Come back. Hey.
Come on, come back. Hey! Hey! Come back, you two. Hey! Come on.
Get, you dirty foreign perverts. Come back here.
Can I help you, sir?
Yes, did the young couple come out yet?
No, I don't think so.
- But they were here? - I think so.
Excuse me, sir. Would you please read this?
It tells you about Christ.
I want to talk to you today about the Lord Jesus Christ.
There are two things you can be certain of in this life.
- One of them is the fact that the sun... - Hot dog, please.
...is going to rise tomorrow morning.
- With mustard? - Yes.
The other is the fact that one day there's a coffin waiting for you.
The Bible tells us there's no way out.
- Where'd you get that? - These men gave it to me.
- Oh, not that, the hot dog. - Oh, hot dog.
Just here, look, I'll show you.
- Yeah, I fancy a hot dog. - Do you, yeah?
Have one. There's nice. They're very good.
- Jesus is the good shepherd. - I've got one, thanks.
Here, look. Hey, over here.
- Look. - MAN: He loved us so much...
- Ooh, how lovely. - Two more customers for you.
- Ooh, I'm ever so hungry. - I'm starving.
Have one.
What're they doing? Don't know what they're going on about.
Don't know what they're giving out.
Do you know what they're going on about?
'Ere, we gonna have a hot dog, then?
In his death, you are a sinner...
- It smells super. - Hey, go on.
Three hot dogs, please.
- With mustard? - Oh, please.
Yeah.
Don't laugh at them.
- Oh, thanks. - Yes.
Ooh, thanks very much.
- Five and three, please, sir. - Five and three?
- Eeh, I've got no change. - I don't have any change.
You don't? Here.
He's got a quid.
Here, shall we sing?
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you very much.
Aren't you gonna sing?
- Which way did you say Piccadilly was? - Thank you.
Piccadilly, yes, it's just down there. You can't miss it.
- Ready? Ready? - Oh, come on.
No, sorry, because I've eaten too much.
- It's free, sir. - Really sorry, I mustn't.
With my compliments, sir.
Taxi!
Yes, please, with pleasure, yes. Thank you very much.
- 73, Cornwall Gardens. - Leicester Square tube station.
- 73, Cornwall Gardens. - Leicester Square tube.
You know we've only got the flat for the night, haven't we?
Look, we're almost married.
- Leicester Square tube. - 73, Cornwall Gardens.
- CAB DRIVER: Whatever you say. -
- Sir. - No, no, look. Everything off.
Everything's coming off.
Eighteen fantastic girls, nothing on and nowhere to hide.
Want to see the show, madam? It's a lovely show, madam.
Come and see the show, madam. It's marvellous.
Show's on now. Eighteen... Hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Come back. Hey!
- Look, Sue, look at this. - Mike.
Where'd you get that? What is it?
What is it? That's exactly what I'd like to ask you. What is it?
- What'd you mean? - I mean it's you, isn't it?
Oh, it does look like me, doesn't it?
- Well, it is you. - All right.
- Is it you? - What do you think?
- No, you're not like this, Sue. - Like what?
Like that!
- Look at it! Is it you! - I'm much worse than that.
- It can't be you. - Why?
- Because you're not like that. - What am I supposed to be like then?
Oh, let me sit down.
It's you, isn't it?
Well, you make up your own mind about that.
- Lf I were one of your... - Yeah, what would you do?
What would you do?
Would you buy me a ring like that? Hmm?
How much do you think that costs? Look, look at it.
How much do you think that costs?
- Ten quid? - Ten times that much.
I'll buy it for you, Sue. I'll buy it for you.
- Don't be silly. I've already got it. - Give it to me.
- Give me the ring. - You're mad.
Susan, sit down.
You've got to tell me whether it's you or not. Sit down!
- Susan, come on! - I've just about had enough. Stop it!
What do you think you're bloody staring at?
- Sit down and behave yourself. - Go on, look at it, look at it!
Stupid!
Just sit down, for God's sake.
Give me my coat.
I suppose you're gonna see him now?
After you got engaged to the other one, now you're gonna see him.
- What if I am? - Well, you can't
because he sleeps with his wife. It's no good, eh?
Then I'll just have to see him some other time then, won't I?
Has he seen the poster?
Has he seen it? Has he seen it?
Because I'll show it to him tomorrow at the races.
I'll show him this and see what he thinks of you then.
You're not going to the races, are you?
Don't worry, I won't cause you any more trouble.
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.
Get in line. Now, steady.
Keep it moving, left and right.
Come along, you'll soon be off.
Now, get in line, boys, get in line.
- Hey, you, get back in line. - I've got to fix my shoelace.
On your marks,
get set...
Mike, hey, this is a school competition,
- you can't be in it. - You try and stop me.
Hey, you, push off. Go home!
Come here.
Come on.
Get off the track, get off!
Only two more laps to go, come on.
Only two more laps, come on.
Mike.
You little bastard. Come here!
I'll get you for this.
You little bastard. Who the hell do you think you are?
Come here. I've just about had enough of you.
- My tooth! - I'm sorry, Mike.
I'm sorry. I was very angry.
My tooth. You've knocked my tooth out!
You shouldn't have done that to his car. You really shouldn't have.
- But you've knocked my tooth out. - All right. I've said I'm sorry.
- Give me a mirror. - Here you are.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Not your bloody tooth, look!
Oh, shit!
It's not my tooth!
You did spit it out, didn't you?
- Yeah, I spat it out. - You didn't swallow it?
No.
Oh, God! Help me look for it.
- How big is it? - How big is it? You saw it yesterday.
- Do you know how much that cost? - Sue?
Oh, he's going to be really pleased with this.
Sue, it's no good. Sue, its no good.
- Stand up, Sue. - That's just great. Stupid!
Sue, you're only treading it into the snow.
- Stand up! - Will you help me look for it, Mike?
Oh, Christ, yeah.
Stay where you are, don't move.
- God, this is impossible. - Don't move.
- Oh, it's so stupid. - Stay in the circle.
- Stay in the circle, Sue. - It could be anywhere.
- Don't move, I'll be back in a minute. - But, Mike...
Oh, God.
Get out! Piss off! Piss off!
Christ! What's the bloody dog doing there?
I'm trying to... Go on, go on.
What are those for? Oh, yeah, I see.
Well, then what?
Leave it to me, I know what I'm doing.
I just hope you do. I just hope you do for your sake.
- Don't move around, Sue. - I'm not.
Oh, I keep thinking I see it.
- Look, I'll make a path. - It could be anywhere.
- Oh, God, it could even be on these. - Now, walk in the path.
Right, now come out.
Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
Last little bit.
Right, good. I don't think we missed any.
I hope not.
- You didn't swallow it, did you? - No, I didn't swallow it.
Here, take the shovel. Can you manage?
Yeah, come on.
- Where are we taking it? - To the baths, of course. Go on.
- It's empty. - Yeah, I know.
I forgot, they've emptied out for the weekend.
- It's okay, we can still use the baths. - No, I think everything's locked up.
Well, look, I'll have a look in the manager's office. That must be open.
Hey, Sue, look what I've found.
Where are we gonna plug it in?
- There's nowhere here, I don't think. - Hang on, I'll just try these lights.
What are you going to do with it, anyway?
You'll see, watch.
Now, switch them off.
Oh, shit.
All right, this will be fixed. Now, switch on the light.
All right, now, come and help me.
Did you lose any on the way down here?
Yeah, I picked it up again.
Right, now we can start bunging it into the kettle, give us it.
- Right, put some in there. - There's some.
Mind, now, look, if you can't do it properly, I'll do it by myself.
Oh, Mike, do you think we'll ever find it?
It's gonna take hours doing it like this.
Don't worry, we'll find it sooner or later.
Will we?
Christ, I'm hungry.
Right.
Look, we'll try it down here, quick.
- What're you gonna do? - Pour it down here.
Will it go right down the grating?
No, it should be all right. This will stop it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Right, now pour it here and it will trickle out down there.
If you see the diamond, don't touch it, because it'll be hot.
Wait a minute, I've got a much better idea. There's a much better idea.
- What? - Hang on a minute.
Oh, Mike, don't be silly.
- It's no time to get embarrassed. - I'm not.
Look, strain it through these.
- Through that? - Yeah, come on.
- You'll ruin your tights. - It doesn't matter, come on.
That diamond's worth 1,200 pairs of tights.
- Come on, you pour it through. - It's not that valuable.
- It is, I told you. - All right, ready?
Christ, what do you think all this is for?
- Okay, hold it then. - All right,
get on with it for God's sake.
- Don't let it dribble down. - I'm holding it, aren't I? Okay.
- I'm only doing my best. - I know, come on.
Don't burn me.
Keep your fingers back.
What's that? Wait a minute.
No, it's not.
- You keep looking for it. - All right.
Mike, keep looking for it.
Keep quiet for God's sake.
- -
Could you keep quiet?
Keep quiet, it's all right, he'll go away.
- - Shh!
All right. All right. All right.
- All right. - He'll go away.
Take it up there and put some more snow in.
Sue, are you there?
What the hell are you doing there?
I was knocking at the door. Didn't you hear me?
Why didn't you answer me? Hmm?
I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.
What have you done to my car? You've punctured two tyres.
I can't even remember when I punctured one.
Give me the key!
Give me my cap.
Give me the keys.
- I'm awfully sorry. - Well, give me the cap, come on.
I'm awfully sorry, I don't know where they are. Have you got a spare set?
But I gave them to you.
I said I'm sorry. I don't know what I've done with them, that's all.
Come on, give me the cap.
Oh, your bloody cap.
Right, now, listen. Get your coat and your bag and come here.
Serves me right. Seeing stupid kids.
Hurry up.
Hurry up!
Come on, come on, get a move on.
No, I won't.
Susan, what's wrong with you?
Will you stop ordering me about? That's all.
But I must have my keys.
Have you got a spare set of keys or haven't you?
- Yes, I've got a set. - Where are they?
They're at home. I can't go home and ask my wife for the keys.
Not this time of night. I can't go out again.
That's your problem, isn't it?
If you've got a spare set of keys, you're all right. So you can piss off.
"Piss off"?
After all that I have done for you?
- "Piss off"? - After what...
After what you've done for me?
After what... What... I'll tell you what you've done for me.
You've spoiled everything. Everything!
Why the hell you had to be the first? I'll tell you why.
Because you have to be the first with everyone, don't you?
You couldn't bear to be second,
then they'll have something to compare you to.
Then they'll see how bloody hopeless you are!
That's why you're so pinky for schoolgirls.
They don't know any better, do they? Poor little things.
They think you're really quite good, don't they?
Think it's quite exciting the way you grope and push
and you're so bloody hopeless!
You make me sick!
What do you think you've ever done for anyone?
You're pathetic. You're pathetic!
How you ever make it with your wife, I don't know. If you ever do.
What about those children? You sure they're yours?
Piss off! Piss off!
Bastard!
Poof!
Susan, this is the end.
What you undoing that one for? We've got all this to do yet.
But I thought we could do this one...
Come on. Let's do one at a time, for God's sake.
- All right. - How annoying.
I'm sick of being ordered about.
Oh, God, I'm dropping bits now. All right.
Come on, let's turn it on and get this melted.
Bring those down with you. Hey, what if you have swallowed it?
I told you, Sue, I haven't swallowed it.
- You sure? Come on. - Yeah.
- God, I'm so hungry. - I'm not.
Come on.
This is going to take hours, isn't it?
I think I'll phone Chris, tell him I'm gonna be late.
I think I'll phone Chris, tell him I'll be late.
Chris? Hello, darling. It's me.
I'm gonna be a bit late. There's been an accident here at the baths.
Oh, it's nothing serious, it's a burst pipe.
Well, how do you expect me to feel? I'm furious.
Because I live near here and the manager's away.
Well, I shall have to stay till they finish.
Don't you believe me?
Well, that's great. That's great. That's all I needed to hear.
I expected a bit of sympathy, but...
I'm ringing from the manager's office.
You can ring me back and check if you don't believe me.
5-2... Yeah, you know the number.
Right. No, I'm not saying I'll definitely be late,
I just might be.
There's four of them hard at work. You can hear. Listen.
Mike, what are you doing? I wasn't on the phone long.
Couldn't you work without me?
Mike, what is it? Are you ill?
Oh, Mike, come on, let's get on with it.
I know you're tired, but come on.
Mike, what's the matter?
What are you doing?
Did you find it?
Mike, did you find it?
Where is it?
Oh, Mike, come on, don't mess about.
You've found it, haven't you? Where is it?
Mike, where is it?
Give it to me.
Come on, give it to me. Where is it?
Don't swallow it. Give it to me. Give it to me now, Mike. Come on.
Don't swallow...
It's all right, Mike. It's all right.
Oh, Mummy.
Chris?
Hello, darling. Guess what? They've just finished.
Yes, so I won't be late.
I've just got to get dressed and then I'll...
I've got to get my coat on.
Yeah. Me too. Very much.
Sue, please. Please don't go, Sue.
- Please, I... - It's all right.
Please, I just want to talk to you about it.
No, Mike, I've got to go, honestly.
Look, Sue, you can't just change like that...
After being like that and just go like that.
- Mike, take it easy. - Sue, please,
just stay and talk to me about it.
Mike, just leave it, I'm going home.
- Sue, please. - Oh, stop going on about it, Mike.
Sue, I don't want you to leave.
- Susan. - Mike, let me go.
- Explain it to me. - Everything's going to get wet, Mike.
Come on, let's get ourselves out.
That's all you care about, your bloody diamond.
Yes, it is. Come on, give it back to me.
I want to have a little time to stay here and explain to me.
- Just tell me what I've done... - Come on, Mike.
- Sue, just please... - Come on, give it back.
Stay here, Susan. That's all I want you to do.
No, no, no!
Was it different with the teacher, Sue?
What about... What about your fiancé, Sue?
Tell me, Sue, you've got to tell me now!
Just give it to me.
- Don't leave, Sue! - Give it back!
Please?