I have an announcement to make.
I made a friend at work who is a girl,
and I don't want to sleep with her.
Let me guess. She's a beast.
Hey. That's my friend you're talking about.
And she happens to be a very nice girl.
Oop! Do-nut touch that.
It's mine.
Well, I do éclair.
So if she looked like Zooey Deschanel,
you'd still just want to be friends with her?
Um, that's not fair.
You know I love all the Deschanels.
Besides, if you worked with Zooey,
you would try to hit that.
Oh, I'd hit that.
I'd destroy that.
And I'd watch that.
And now I forgot what we're fighting about.
We were talking about how you should win a nobel peace prize
for being friends with a not-so-pretty girl.
Okay, how many ugly guy friends do you have?
Um, hello? Leonard is one of my best friends,
and when you look at him, you want to throw up.
Fine. You're the Mother Teresa of ugly people. Congrats.
Hey, hey, hey.
You two need to squash the beef.
We need to what?
You are having a beef, and you need to squash it.
It's a saying, man. Like "Bury the hatchet."
Okay, okay.
Riley, I accept your apology.
Jackass.
Squash the beef. Yeah.
I definitely need to work that into the rotation.
No, you don't, man. You are terrible with sayings.
You always mess them up.
I saw you sitting here alone
and I said to myself,
"Ben, that girl is way too beautiful to be alone.
I need to go nip that in the butt."
Well, you know what they say,
"The early bird catches the sperm."
Well, as I always say,
"A bird in the hand is worth two hands in the bush."
Firends With Benefits; Season 01, Episode 06 The Benefit of Keeping Your Ego In Check August 19, 2011
==sync, correction by dcdah== www.addic7ed.com
"Squash the beef." It's Ben-proof.
I mean, how can I screw that up? Come on.
Hey, speaking of screwing,
you would not believe how hot my new chick is.
Really? Man, we are talking
"Ben would never be friends with her" hot.
Hey! Yeah, you're right.
Not only have we had the best sex of my entire life...
- Whoa. - Whoa.
I know.
I can actually see myself getting serious with her.
- Whoa. - Whoa.
I know.
But here's the dilemma.
She's going to Peru for three weeks
and we haven't had the DTR talk yet.
Oh, she wants to put stuff on your TiVo?
Hate that.
DTR is "define the relationship."
Oh.
There's a monster party tomorrow night.
We're talking muchas females
and I just want to have one last big blowout
before I settle down with Lauren.
Well, what makes you think she wants to be monogamous?
Well, I dropped her off at the airport this morning, Riley,
and, uh, well...
So, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.
Of course I'm gonna miss you, baby.
You're so sweet.
I was thinking about us, and maybe we should...
Take a trip together when you get back.
You know, I was thinking the same exact thing.
Go somewhere warm, sit on the beach,
talk it all out.
Right after you get back.
But maybe we should talk about...
Talk about destinations. I know.
Hmm. The South pacific, Caribbean...
Oh! I got it.
We could RV through all the national parks.
Boom, done.
I was actually talking about how you and I should ...
Airport tickets, the worst. I know.
You take care now, okay?
- Mmm. - Okay.
That horn blow was a gift from the gods.
So...
For now, I'm a free man.
Yeah!
Gentlemen, watch your ladies.
Ay-oh!
Lights off.
Tv off.
Blender off.
Music off.
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm trying to get this place to recognize my voice.
It's gonna be a huge time-saver.
How long you been working on it?
Tuesday will be a year.
Hey. So, um,
what are you doing on Saturday?
I need a "rich friend" favor.
A "handsome rich friend" favor.
The hospital's having this bachelorette charity auction
and this really geeky guy thinks he's going
to win a date with me.
Hey, Sara.
Hmm.
See you at the auction.
I've been saving up.
To bid.
To bid on you.
I don't know if I made that clear.
I'm Kyle. I work here.
I know that.
You have to come outbid him.
I mean, you'd be donating to a great cause.
The "Save Sara from another awkward date" foundation.
And you'd be helping sick kids. Of course.
I am a huge fan of sick kids.
Helping kids with sickness, not...
As long as they're not contagious.
They're not going to be there, are they?
Aaron, you're a real life saver.
Are you saying that without me you would be... toast?
I said, "toast."
Oh! Got it.
Cool. There it is.
Oh...
No, this time, it's my turn.
Uh, the time before last time was your turn.
You know what? It's getting to be
like every other time is your turn.
Oh, you want a war, blondie?
Take your best shot. B
okay, all right. Fine.
You know what? Take it.
But only if you agree that we stop this petty bickering
and we bury the beef.
Excuse me?
Bury the beef.
I want to bury the beef with you.
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Oh, yeah. So, we can either bury the beef now
or we can bury the beef later in your cubicle.
One way or another, this beef's getting buried.
I'm not hungry anymore.
Oopsies.
Mmm.
All right. No matter what happens,
you have to outbid Kyle.
How high can you go?
12 million. I don't know.
You look really handsome tonight.
Really?
Oh...
Oh, my God. Oh...
I'm sorry. Just quit it.
Oh...
I'm sorry.
Amanda. Yo, it's big Ben.
Hey, uh, we got some beef to bury.
Don't make me follow you out to the parking garage after work.
Seriously, call me.
Ben Lewis?
Only if you're nasty.
I'm Wes, from Human Resources.
Hey. What can I do ya for?
"Do me" for?
Actually, I'm here to let you know
that a complaint has been filed
against you for sexual harassment.
What?!
Apparently, you made some
inappropriate remarks to Amanda Stevenson earlier today.
What? What did I say?
You asked her to...
"Bury the beef with you."
Yeah, of course, we gotta bury the beef.
I mean, if you have beef, you got to bury it, right?
We're setting up a formal meeting with HR this week.
Just wanted to give you the official heads-up.
This is insane. I mean, you know what,
this must be some kind of misunderstanding.
Man, maybe the beef was bigger than I thought.
Maybe you could help me bury it with her.
I'll see you Thursday.
♪ ♪
This next Bachelorette will have no problem
finding your main vein.
- Can I get a bid for nurse Wendy? - Hi, um...
Can I get one of the, uh...
Things I had before.
A wine cooler, sir?
What? Yes, one of those.
Thank you.
Can I get a wine cooler, barkeep?
We have $200 in the back. Thank you, sir.
I like your shirt, man.
I mean, right?
Pluto weighs 28 sextillion pounds.
They're gonna downgrade it?
You should have to try to lift something
before you downgrade it.
Just as long as you take into account...
Atmospheric pressure! I was just about to say that.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Cool.
This party is bananas.
Am I crazy or is that Moby bartending?
Oh, I am so glad that I avoided that talk with Lauren.
Oh! Now I can go out of singledom with a bang.
Maybe even two. Mmm.
Body shots.
Hello.
Good-bye.
Whoo!
Hey, Riley.
I got a text from Lauren.
Am I behaving?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
She thinks we're in a monogamous relationship.
She said she found a fossil that looks like me.
So? Just don't tell her about this party.
Well, people are posting pictures already. Look.
Hey! I'm in that one.
I look hot.
Okay, okay. If I can find everybody here
who posted a picture of me,
and get them to take it down, I'll be golden.
It'll be like this night never even happened.
How the hell are you going to track down every person...
Is there a Dave Hall here?
Dave Hall?
Don't you wish that the universe was configured
so that nice guys could finish first instead of last?
I know, right? God forbid a girl date
a smart, caring guy who happens
to enjoy a little Sci-Fi fantasy.
Yeah. It's like they're too afraid of the "n" word.
- Nerd. - Nerd.
You have any idea how many times
I have been rejected by a pretty girl?
Thirty-one?
Exactly 31.
Whoa!
Okay, up next is the lovely
Dr. Sara.
That's right, gentlemen.
She can cure you of your loneliness.
$500.
Our highest opening bid of the night.
$600.
$1,000.
What are you doing, pal?
I don't want to come in last to you.
$1,100.
You're the guy...
$1,100 going once.
Come on, man. Please.
Going twice.
Too rich for my blood.
Sold to the man in the pluto shirt.
Yeah!
I got every single photo taken down except one.
But it is a doozy.
The dude in the front is Dean.
Now Dean works at the Racine Coffee Shop
with a girl named Clarissa...
Who is in an "it's complicated" with Charles...
Who belongs to a group called
"let's get this pickle more fans than Nickelback."
And guess who the moderator of that group is?
Lauren.
And when she logs in, she's going
to see you shoulder-deep in boobage.
Yeah, somebody got to go down
to that Racine Coffee Shop first thing tomorrow.
Why don't you just go right now?
I can't have coffee now. I'll be up all night.
I'm being accused of sexual harassment.
Been there, done that. Who fingered you?
Amanda, that girl I was telling you about. Can you believe it?
I mean, if I'm going to sexually harass someone...
Which I didn't...
It wouldn't be her.
We were having a playful argument.
I said we should bury the beef.
Why would you say that? What?
You mean "squash the beef"?
Oh, my gosh. Why did I think it was "bury"?
I warned you.
Everybody knows you are bad at sayings.
I got to go talk to Amanda.
I mean, if I can't convince her
that I made a mistake, then my moose is cooked.
You just let me be bought by a guy with a planet on his shirt.
Well, it's actually a former planet.
Not what you want to argue about right now.
Okay, look, Kyle's a really nice guy.
I think you should give him a chance.
He's a total dweeb.
I am a total dweeb.
Do you think that girls should not date me?
Uh, well... damn it.
Fine, but I am not going out with him alone.
You're meeting us there.
That makes absolutely no sense.
We should all just drive together.
Dean, my main man.
Do I know you?
No, you don't, but, um...
Check this out.
You were at that party?
Wasn't that awesome?
Yes, man, it... it was a time.
But, listen, I'm in a little bit of a jam here. You see,
you posted that photo to the Internet,
and I recently have found myself in a monogamous relationship,
and not with the young lady
whose breasts my head is betwixt.
Wow. That sucks.
I... I'd be happy to take it down.
Great.
Except for the fact
that it's pretty much
the ultimate moment of my entire life.
I... I work at a coffee shop, and I'm studying dentistry.
I mean, that picture is quite likely my peak.
Come on, man.
Now I am really in a bind here, okay?
This girl means a lot to me.
Again, again, Dean, not the girl in the photo.
Man, I would love to help you out,
but that picture's too important to me. Sorry.
Dean, Dean, Dean, can you at least just crop me out of it?
Uh, I feel like if I start messing with it,
then, you know...
Maybe we should look at the menu.
Right. Good call.
Oh, Aaron.
What are you doing here?
Wow. What?
Oh, I was going to have a fancy dinner
all by myself.
No. Join us.
I mean, if that's okay with you, Kyle.
Well, I did pay...
Great. Pull up a chair.
Sure. Oh, yeah.
The more the...
It's crazy, right?
Hey, Amanda, can I... Can I talk to you for a second?
Um... I'm so sorry if you think I did anything that was inappropriate.
Your fly's open.
Wow, that was bad timing.
Um...
Look, I-I said that we should bury the beef because...
Please stop saying that.
Don't you think it's a little ridiculous
that I would sexually harass... you?
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you know, 'cause...
Well, you know, 'cause, uh,
you know, right, 'cause...
You know.
So when Superman travels back in time,
he's traveling back in time,
but he's not making the entire planet travel back in time.
You just made superman even more interesting to me.
Of course, 'cause, you know, the golden rule of time travel
is, there are no...
- Paradoxes. - Paradoxes.
Oh, man! Oh!
You know, I loved Kate & Leopold.
They traveled all over time.
"A century's worth of differences
came crashing together."
That's an interesting reference, Sara,
though I-I wouldn't call that an authentic time travel film,
as it was filled with temporal anomalies.
Speaking of temporal anomalies, I have to pee.
Excuse me.
So she's great.
- Not feeling it. - Really?
Uh-uh. I thought you had, like, a huge crush on her.
I thought so, too, dude, but did you see?
She didn't crack a smile when I said my Prius runs on Tylium.
I mean, yeah, hello.
Battlestar! Ugh!
All right, I-I can't defend a grown woman not knowing
that Tylium powers both human and Cylon spacecraft.
- But I can say... - I mean, look.
I don't want to be a jerk or anything,
but if I can't shake her by the end of dinner,
do you mind hanging with us?
Sure, yeah.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Miss me?
I'm actually gonna pay the check.
You know what?
I'm glad I did this.
Kyle is a really nice guy, and it's a great cause.
The only thing is... how do I let him down easy?
Kyle doesn't like you.
- He doesn't like me? - No.
In fact, while you were in the bathroom,
he was trying to figure out a way to nicely ditch you.
And I'm just making the nicely part up.
This is what it's come to?
I can't even land a nerd?
You know what? No.
He does not get to reject me, all right?
That's-that's not happening. That's not how it works.
I reject him.
But he doesn't like you.
Yet.
We're going back to your place.
That's terrific.
Dean's not taking that photo down.
Guess my relationship with Lauren is over
before it even began.
Hey, look on the bright side.
She might not check her computer for a while.
Hikers get lost in Machu Picchu all the time.
I just got greedy.
You know, I thought I'd have a little bit of fun
before I went on lockdown.
But haven't I suffered enough?
You talked to one guy at a coffee shop.
Yeah, but that dude was really annoying.
Oh, Sara, you-you got to focus on those mobs!
And watch your A.O.E.S.
You're pulling all the aggro.
What's an A.O.E.?
- Area Of Effect Spells! - Area Of Effect Spells!
I've only told you, like, six times.
I'm sorry. I'm not an expert elf person thing.
You're not an elf.
You're a staff-wielding paladin.
What are you doing? No, don't open that!
You're gonna... You're gonna wipe!
You need to evocate right now!
I'm trying! Oh!
I knew this was a mistake!
You know what, Sara?
If you're tired, maybe you should just
go home, and Aaron and I will stay here
and clean up your mess.
Uh, okay, you know what, big bang theory?
I am sick of this.
I am sick of this whole stupid nerd resurgence.
Not you, Aaron.
I mean, since when
did being a nerd become so damn cool?
Well, actually, it started...
Oh, zip it.
You bid on me, remember?
God! And I was even
nice to you during
that ridiculous conversation at dinner.
Who asks you to play bang-marry-kill,
and then gives you Stephen Hawking
and Stan Lee and C-3PO as choices?
Okay, Sara, I think we are all a little testy
because you chose to kill Stephen Hawking.
Yeah. Nerds are nerdy, not cool.
Again Aaron, not you.
But where are all the real guys?
You know, the grown men talking about grown man things?
Do you mean like Han Solo?
No! No!
He flies around in a fake spaceship
and plays with a gorilla.
That's it.
Get out!
With pleasure.
Aaron, you coming?
Stall the raid.
I'll be online in 15 minutes.
Door.
Bro!
Oh, no. Come on.
I meant to say "squash the beef."
You didn't. You said... I know what I said.
Look, Wes, come on.
Can I talk to you guy-to-guy for a second?
This conversation is being recorded.
Terrific. Look, we're talking about Amanda, huh?
She's nice and everything,
but she's not winning any beauty contests.
You know what I mean?
If you're going to sexually harass someone... seriously?
Um...
From my cubicle alone,
I can hit five hotter girls
with this tape dispenser.
Right?
So, I'm fired.
Hey, at least you weren't rejected
by the nerdiest guy in Chicago.
Is that really worse than being fired?
Ben, let's be honest.
You hated that job.
And I'm very insecure.
It's true, I did hate that job.
And you know I always talk about working in the music industry,
but I've never really done anything to pursue it.
- Well, there you go. - Yeah.
This could be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
Yeah. Yeah, you know, this is...
This is exactly the thing I needed to get my ass in gear.
Yeah, I'm gonna start tomorrow.
Beautiful. What's your plan?
Well, for starters, I'm gonna get a beard going.
So your plan is to maybe do something
that will happen anyway even if you do nothing?
- Yeah. - Hmm.
Hey, what do you say we bury the squash?
- Squash, huh? - Yeah.
You must be feeling pretty good about yourself.
I'm not taking it down, bro.
What if you could replace it with something that's even better?
Not possible.
==sync, correction by dcdah== www.addic7ed.com
Dean's new profile pic is a beaut.
Thanks Riley.
Hey, it looks like your girl got tagged in some new photos.
Probably from her trip.
What the...
Can you believe her?
We practically agreed to be monogamous.
Are those her...
I'm gonna miss those.