Subtitles : GDING
So, you see the thing is, Dad, I couId reappIy next year,
but if I defer and try again for Oxford, I'II probabIy Iose my pIace at BristoI...
Mm...
...which is a good university but not my dream.
Do you think it matters in the Iong term,
or is the subject and standard of degree more important?
So, I got married.
- What?! - To Suzy, we got married.
You mean remarried.
This time it's for keeps, though.
- When did this happen? - A few weeks ago.
I was going to invite you, but I know how you are around peopIe.
How am I?!
Awkward. Weird.
I don't Iive in a cave. I Iive in suburban London.
I spend my entire Iife around peopIe.
Much as I'd Iike to, it's aImost impossibIe to avoid them.
See, this is what I mean.
WeII... Was it a big wedding?
No. CoupIe of hundred cIose friends and famiIy.
- And it was perfect. - Mm.
I can't beIieve you didn't invite me to your wedding.
So, what are you up to this summer?
Oh, you're changing the subject?
- Mm-hm. - Fine.
I dunno. I guess I'II be going on hoIiday.
Oh, this shouId be good. What have you got pIanned?
Trans-Siberian Express? FossiI-hunting in Dorset?
Or maybe something even weirder.
No, actuaIIy. Something normaI. I'm going somewhere normaI, with my normaI friends,
to a pIace fuII of normaI peopIe.
And you, of course.
(SIGHS)
# Wahhhhh
# Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love
# l really need it
# Gimme love, gimme love, gimme love
# Just set me free, yeah... #
WILL: ln case you were wondering, that was me with my father.
And this is where l live - not with him, but with my mother.
lt's a long story. Well, not that long.
He shagged the work experience girl and then left us.
So, just cliched, really.
Plus, it only happened two years ago, so l don't even get the luxury
of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce.
Anyway, that's how l ended up here - the very definition of suburbia.
Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and l couldn't wait to fucking leave.
Maybe that's unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on
behind the net curtains of suburbia.
Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright's case, you can have a pretty good guess.
(LUS TFUL GROANS)
Are you ready to have some fun, big boy?
Mmm.
I'm feeIing sexy!
Take off mask, baby, let me see you.
Nah.
Do you promise this'II be properIy fiIthy, yeah?
Oh, yes, like bomb explode from in penis.
Sexy like...mmm...finger up bumhole.
Christ, you make me so erect.
Oh, yes, you also make me erect.
Now, put in card details. Oh, l'm so horny.
Don't forget security number and bank.
Mml Come on, hurry up.
AII right, Jay's mum! Where's Jay?
Oh, heIIo, NeiI. He's at home, updating his CV.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Ooh, excuse me.
HeIIo?
Ohh...
It's a bit over, is that OK?
Not reaIIy.
- Excuse me! My prawns? - Sorry, mate, I finish at six.
Cheers for that.
- You don't have to thank me every time. - Oh, right. CooI.
You're so fit.
Simon, we need to taIk.
Oh, not taIking!
- Look, it's been great so far... - It's been amazing.
LiteraIIy the best year of my Iife. My spots cIearing up, not moving to WaIes,
and now you.
And I'm definiteIy getting better at kissing, aren't I?
I think we shouId break up.
What?
We're both going away to uni soon,
and it'II be too hard to keep it going Iong-distance.
- It won't be fair on either of us. - I don't mind.
You wiII mind, though. You wiII.
I bIoody won't!
PIus, I'm going on hoIiday soon, so there's that.
Why? What are you pIanning to do on hoIiday?
Maybe you shouId just go home.
I just need some space to think at the moment.
OK, fine. So, I'II see you Iater, yeah?
Or whenever?
(WHISTLES)
Mum, I'm back! When's tea?
- In a minute. - It had better be deIicious!
(SOBS)
Ohhh...
- Ooh! - Oh, ohl
TeII me you Iove me. TeII me you Iove me.
Oh, yes, l like you. Oh, l like you.
Get out! I'm just Iooking at hoIidays! It's just hoIidays!
Jay, can you come downstairs, pIease? Your grandfather's died.
Ooh, you've got a lady there, you bad boyl
Has she got nice titties? Suck on the lady's titties. Suck them, go onl
WILL: lt was our last ever day of school,
something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself.
So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words.
And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.
I wiII forget each and every one of you aImost immediateIy.
So, if you do find yourseIf at a Ioose end next year,
and think it might be nice to pop in and see how we're getting on,
don't. This isn't the Dead Poets Society
and I'm not that bIoke on BBC Two who keeps getting kids to sing in choirs.
I especiaIIy don't want to hear about how weII you're settIing down at uni
or how much growing up you've done in the past 12 months.
At best, I am ambivaIent towards most of you,
but some of you, I activeIy disIike,
for no other reason than your poor personaI hygiene
or your irritating personaIities.
I hope I've made myseIf cIear on this point.
And in case any of you think I'm joking... I'm not.
I assure you that once my IegaI obIigation
to Iook after your best interests is removed,
I can be one truIy nasty fucker.
Good Iuck with the rest of your Iives and...try not to kiII anyone.
It refIects very badIy on aII of us here.
SIightIy more upbeat than I was expecting.
WILL: They say your school days are the best days of your life.
But the only way that would be true for me
would be if l went straight from school to prison and stayed there until l died.
How many times is that she's caught you now?
Four. But this was the worst.
Mask, snorkeI, ham.
OK, one Iast one for Iuck.
Ooooh!
Good. OId-schooI wedgie. To be admired, in a way.
Squashing the baIIs now. Ooh! That does not tickIe!
Argh!
Mark! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Put him down.
AII right, caIm down.
Just saying goodbye to Bender Squad.
- Have a nice Iife, dickheads. - Oh, grow up! God!
- Are you OK, WiII? - Fine! SIightIy chafed arse crack,
- but, no, basicaIIy fine, thanks. - Hi, Simon.
OK, weII, bye, then.
Fucking bitch.
Is she?
No.
Oh, God... I just reaIIy miss her.
(CRIES)
It's aII right, mate. I understand. Anyone wouId miss those tits.
- It's not that, NeiI. - Is it her IoveIy snatch?
- No. - I know it feeIs rough now, Si,
but you just need to give it some time.
I'm just worried I'II never get over her. (CRIES)
- I can heIp you with that! - Can you?
Yeah! From now on, every time you mention the Moanatronic 5000,
- you get a sIap in the baIIs. - Do you mean CarIi?
Ow! For fuck's sake, Jay!
- NEIL: You were warned. - How's that heIping?!
Stopped you from crying Iike a baby, for one.
So my Iife is stiII ruined, but now my baIIs ache too. Thanks, Jay(!)
No, your Iife is just about to begin, mate!
Now you've been dumped, we can aII go on a mentaI hoIiday together.
Two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze,
sex, minge, fanny and tits.
And booze.
And sex!
He's put it horrificaIIy, but he's probabIy right.
A hoIiday wouId definiteIy take your mind off her.
JAY: PIus, it's the perfect time to go.
NEIL: Yeah, they say the summer is the perfect time for a summer hoIiday.
WILL: Come on, Si, what do you say? The Iads on tour!
- NEIL: And you. - WILL: Yes, and me! One of the Iads.
Yeah, fuck it, go on, then. Maybe it will heIp.
Course it wiII! And, I promise you, Si,
we'II go somewhere so fuII of fit birds, it'II be Iike shooting cIunge in a barreI.
What a IoveIy image(!)
WILL: So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys.
And to prove our independence,
we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents...
after we'd made them pay for it.
I know this is the first time you've ever been away from me, but don't go crazy.
When have I ever gone crazy?!
That time you drank aII that shandy at Debra's wedding. You went pretty wiId!
- I was seven years oId! - He was running round, his pants down,
shouting, ''I've got a white sIug!''
- Mum! - Oh, heIIo, Kevin!
Looks Iike just Jay we're waiting for, then.
Yes, it does ''Iook Iike'' that, doesn't it? God! Sorry about her.
Are you aII right, NeiI? Your face is a bit weird.
Fine! Just popped a bit of my sister's fake tan on, get it started, you know.
Just on your face?
WeII... It's on my hands now too.
AII right? Who's this, then, the vicar?
Me? No, no, I'm Kevin. I'm NeiI's father. Nice to meet you.
Where's NeiI been hiding you, then? The church? (LAUGHS)
- Looks Iike a bIoody vicar, don't he? - No, no, I'm not a vicar.
No, I know that. But you Iook Iike a vicar and you taIk Iike a vicar.
A bIoody gay vicar, or something! (LAUGHS)
WeII, I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.
No, I'm saying you look gay.
But you can't be, can you? Cos oId soppy boIIocks here come out your pipe.
Right, I see.
WeII, gotta get going. Don't want you to miss that fIight.
Bye-bye, Pookie PetaI. Love you, mwah!
Oh, and Jay? If you're gonna spend your grandad's money chasing skirt,
two things. One, make sure she's not a hound Iike the Iast one.
And two, try to be a man when she dumps you for someone with a bigger cock...
...which is everyone! (LAUGHS)
Dad!
WILL: Dads are like arseholes. Everyone's got one, yes,
but also, they're arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers.
Takes me back, aII this - cheap fIights at ungodIy hours.
Where is it you're headed to again? Simon never teIIs me anything.
- MaIia, Mr Cooper, in Greece. - Can't say I've heard of it.
Of course you haven't, it's a cooI pIace to go.
And it's got a Subway's.
Oh, right. In my day, it was aII about Spain.
Me and my mates went to MagaIuf this one time.
- ShagaIuf, we caIIed it! - (NEIL LAUGHS)
ShouId've caIIed it ShagaIot. And hard. Anything that moved.
We had a system.
AIways Ieft a hat on the bedroom door when one of us got Iucky.
Was usuaIIy me.
Oh, Dad, pIease shut up!
I don't know what it is,
but you'II find girIs just seem to Iet themseIves go a bit more abroad.
It's Iike as soon as they smeII the sun cream, they get wet.
- Your mother's the same, even now. - Oh, God, just drop us here!
WILL: l was learning a lot about holidays.
And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper's front bottom.
l was also learning that on a lads' holiday,
it's compulsory to wear ''hilarious'' matching T-shirts.
Here y'are.
Nice!
Right, you owe me 12 quid each. Except for you, WiII, you owe me 20.
Right, so I've got to pay more money for a T-shirt I didn't ask for
and I'm not going to wear, cos it carries a nickname I didn't know I had?
- Yes. - Great(!)
(THEY LAUGH)
# Come on, come on, come on, come on
# Got my peeps standing with me at the bar doing shots
# Cos now we're so fucking plastered we don't know when to stop
# l got my peeps standing with me and l'm having a blast
# l'm feeling so fucking good right now l want it to last
# l'm at the bar and l see this chick checking me out
# From afar, yes, she wants my dick There ain't a doubt
# Now l'm in a lift, getting lips How dumb is this girl?
# But do l care? Do l fuckl l'm on a rolll Yol #
MaIia fIight?
Yep.
DeIay, seven hours.
And pIease remove those T-shirts, or we won't aIIow you to board the pIane.
WILL: Despite Neil offering - twice - they didn't let him drive the plane.
Finally, though, we'd made it on holiday,
and Jay's thoughts on the beautiful isle of Crete, birthplace of Zeus,
were as insightful as ever.
- I'm hot. - It is weII hot.
- Might be too hot. - Might be.
- (CAR HORN BLARES) - Oh!
CarIi! CarIi!
CarIs!
Oh.
Sorry.
(BUZZ OF CONVERSATION)
Oi, Jay, Jay...
Tidy minge, ten o'cIock.
Jay? Jay!
Didn't you see them girIs?
Why don't you chirps 'em?
- I can't handIe that many at once, NeiI. - ReaIIy? What about that netbaII team?
Yeah, that was aII right, cos that was a Iuxury caravan.
But this coach is way too smaII for my moves.
Ah, course.
Right, so, the pIan is get to the apartment, unpack,
get some sIeep, then head out fresh tomorrow.
First up, the Minoan PaIace at Knossos.
JAY: Have you come on a Iads' hoIiday by mistake?!
We haven't come haIfway round the worId to Iook at some boring fucking Greek ruins.
Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere.
We go there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated.
SimpIes.
But I've not sIept for 37 hours.
Shut up and try and get some sIeep on here, then.
Fine, good idea.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - # We Iove you BurnIey, we do
# We Iove you BurnIey, we do
Oh, BurnIey, we Iove you!
- # Oh, Burn-a-Iey - # Oh, Burn-a-Iey
- # Is wonderfuI - # Oh, Burn-a-Iey is wonderfuI... #
# Can you hear the Preston sing? I can't hear a fucking thing... #
WILL: When people ask me if l like football, l say yes. l do like football.
But not Burnley.
Burnley can fuck off.
# Come on, BurnIey!
# Oh, Burn-a-Iey is wonderfuI! #
WILL: lt was a tense moment.
Someone was obviously staying here.
Right, then, McKenzie party. This is you.
(BURNLEY FANS CHEER)
Good one, feIIas! Don't worry, it'II Iook nice when it's finished.
- # Oh, Burn-a-Iey! - # Oh, Burn-a-Iey!
# Is wonderfuI... #
This don't Iook Iike the pictures.
WILL: l still don't know how the dog died.
l can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here.
You WiIIy?
Yes.
Your key. You have fun.
But not too much fun.
You shit on fIoor - 50 euro fine.
Each time!
AII right, Iads!
- Are you stopping here? - Yes. We are.
Bad Iuck. I've just come back from Afghanistan,
and conditions there are better than this shithoIe.
I can't wait to get back to Iying in a dusty trench,
being shot at by some raghead. Are you married?
- No. - Don't get married.
The wife booked this, but somehow, it's my fucking fauIt.
Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I'II see youse Iater.
Hey!
You owe me 50 euros!
WILL: As we entered our new home, wondering
if our human rights had been breached,
l couldn't help thinking a shit on the floor
might have cheered the place up a bit.
- JAY AND NEIL: Shotgun this room! - Shotgun the sofa bed!
WeII, where am I gonna sIeep, then?!
Not reaIIy my probIem.
What's that? Is that the bath?
Course it's not the bath, you fucking idiot. There's the bath!
That's the...kids' toiIet.
- Is it? - Yes!
Why's it got a pIughoIe and a tap, then?
Cos it's for checking your kid's shit before you fIush it.
- Urgh, that's grim! - Yeah, I know.
That's the ContinentaIs, innit? They're dirty.
See? That Iooks nice!
I'm not sIeeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon!
We'II have to share the sofa bed.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, 'eIIo!
Right, weII, whiIe you two decide who gets first go on each other's cocks,
I'm getting ready and getting out there.
The gash isn't gonna fuck itseIf, you know.
Charming(!)
(JAY SCREAMS)
WILL: Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory,
and looking like the world's shittest boy band, we hit the town.
- Ooh, heads down, boys. - NEIL: Shit.
What? Why? We haven't done anything!
- Foreign poIice, innit? - So?
Don't you even know about foreign poIice?
What, short-sIeeved uniforms? Chunkier truncheons?
- Oh, fucking heII! - Mate, they're aII corrupt.
BasicaIIy, if you misbehave and don't have the money to bribe 'em,
they take you up to these shepherds' huts in the hiIIs,
beat you up and bum ya.
And if they don't kiII ya, you kiII yourseIf,
cos of the shame of getting a boner whiIst you was being bummed.
Right, coupIe of things. FirstIy, the hiIIs here are fuII of timeshares,
not deserted shepherds' huts.
SecondIy, Crete's in the EU, so I think the standard of poIicing
probabIy goes beyond bumming and forced suicide.
BeIieve what you want. I'm keeping a bribe up my arse just in case.
You're gonna spend the whoIe hoIiday with 20 euros roIIed up inside your arsehoIe?
It's been up there since the seatbeIt signs went off, mate.
AII right, Iads! HoIiday, is it? I'm out here on my own, having a mentaI time!
Can I have a beer?
- Oh, here you go, mate. - No, you can't!
AII right, which is it? You say yes, he says bIoody no.
He's not your boss, is he? Eh?
WeII, it's been great taIking to you, but we've reaIIy got to get a move on.
Can I come round yours for a shower?
Um, no.
No? CooI beans. See you Iater, Iads!
Richard, yeah? Richard!
WILL: Well, Richard was clearly mental.
But as we were about to discover, so was everything else here.
# This place about to blow
# Blow
# This place about to blow
# Blow
# This place about to blow
# This place about to blow... #
WILL: While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere,
- Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies. - She'd get it.
NEIL: Most definiteIy!
Oh, and that one. She'd get it!
- And that one! And that one. - And that one. She'd get it.
Right in the bumhoIey.
I can't beIieve I've aIready got a bird. Gutted.
So fucking what?! AII birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour.
No, I couIdn't do that to NicoIe. I think I Iove her.
And I never Ioved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich.
AII right, Iads! Are you up for a good time?
Yeah, we're aIways up for a good time.
We're the Pussay PatroI.
AII right. WeII, if you reaIIy are the Pussay PatroI...
- Which we are. - You're obviousIy going to Marco's.
It's the most buzzing bar out here. AIways packed with a chiIIed-out, sexy vibe.
- Know what I mean? - I don't reaIIy know what you mean.
When you say ''sexy vibe'', do you mean girIs?
Course! Loads of girIs.
I'II sort you out haIf-price drinks and a free fishbowI.
CooI, cooI, cooI.
So, wiII you be in there, with your sexiness,
making the vibe aII...sexy? Being aII sexy, and that, sexy?
Say ''sexy'' more.
WeII, I wiII be if you're gonna be there, you saucy bugger!
Come on, then!
Here you go, these four. I'II see you in a bit. Mine's a Bacardi and Coke.
Large one?
Saucy! See you Iater.
Fucking heII, you're weII in there, mate!
Yep! He shoots, he scores. Right up the vag.
Oh, my God, if she's outside, imagine the birds inside!
Ah. Interesting.
WeII, it must get going a bit Iater. She did say it was amazing.
And why wouId she Iie?!
AII right, mate. Four pints, four Jagermeisters and a fishbowI, pIease.
HeIIo.
- When it good here? - Sorry?
Er, when here party good?
In normaIIy about an hour or two.
Oh. WeII, as we've paid, maybe we shouId hang on, then?
But this year...never.
- Thanking you, very much. - OK, Iet's go.
Fuck off! My bird'II be down in a minute.
Do you mean the woman who's cIearIy on commission to trick peopIe
into this empty bar?
No, I mean the IittIe hottie outside that I was fIirting with.
I'II take that as a yes, then.
I'm going nowhere tiII she's sucked me off!
- So you're going nowhere. - WILL: Jay, we're on hoIiday!
I'm meant to be out there, trying to hit on girIs I think are beneath me
but who, for their part, won't give me the time of day! So, Iet's go!
Ooh! HeIIo, heIIo! It's those IittIe IoveIies from the coach!
- That one's not so IittIe. - I think they're Iooking at us.
And not in a weird, terrified, ''Ieave us aIone'' way. Amazing!
Jay, you're drunkest. Go over and taIk to them.
Nah. Not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside.
Why go for hamburgers when you've got steak at home?
If, Iike you, you have neither anywhere. It's up to you, then, Si.
Oh, shit, reaIIy? I don't know if I'm over CarIi.
- Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?! - Yes, I can.
When you stop being such a pussy about your ex.
It's time to get back on the horse now, Si.
And those IittIe ponies need feeding.
Feed the pony.
Yeah, OK, I'II introduce us, but we've aII got to go over together.
- Great. - You fucking sad cases.
You don't just waIk up to a girI in a cIub and introduce yourseIf! That's creepy.
CIubs have different ruIes, you dick.
Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get 'em to dance with you.
ReaIIy?!
- AnnoyingIy, that does sound right. - Thank you!
And then, after a bit, you stand up behind them,
pretend to sIap 'em and fuck 'em up the arse.
- That might be a bit much. - Yeah, I dunno...
Oh, fucking heII, I'II do it.
- What about NicoIe? - It's onIy dancing, she Iikes my dancing.
Stick with me, you'II be fine.
Right, then, Si. Looks Iike the hoIiday starts here.
(# YOLANDA BE COOL: We No Speak Americano)
Am I doing it right? Am I in time?
Maybe a bit out, but not so you'd notice. Copy NeiI.
Sorry. Do you mind if we come and taIk to you?
Cos you Iook nice, and, frankIy, this is just humiIiating for everyone invoIved.
Um...
Sit down, Specs.
HeIIo. I'm Lucy.
Hi, I'm Diamond...Simon! I'm Simon.
I'd better not get stuck with the fat one.
So, when AIison initiaIIy suggested MaIia, we aII thought, yeah, why not?
It'II be ironic. Then we had a reaIity check
and we thought, do we honestIy wanna spend two weeks somewhere being ironic,
and obviousIy the answer was no, so then we Iooked at other pIaces,
but we reaIised, actuaIIy, we just want to have a Iaugh and go cIubbing and get drunk
and be siIIy, and that this might genuineIy be a good pIace to come,
so fuck it, here we are.
Just so you know, I've met a reaIIy fit bird, and she'II be aIong any minute.
OK. She won't mind you taIking to me, then, wiII she?
WILL: lf our dancing was bad - and it was bad -
then our small talk was even worse.
They were useless. lt was up to me, and so l dived in with my best chat-up line.
- I'm WiII, by the way. - AIison.
So, do this pIace hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe
to scare the customers off?
No. I Iost my mind and agreed to come here on hoIiday. What's your excuse?
Sort of simiIar.
I came out here earIier this summer and feII crazy in Iove with a gorgeous IocaI,
- so now I'm back. - HiIarious. Course you did.
What was he, a barman or a waiter?
- Waiter. - BriIIiant. Was he caIIed Stavros?
- Nicos. - Too good.
I bet he's different to aII the boys back home!
Yeah. He understands women, for one.
I'm sure he does. Must get enough practice.
WILL: Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink,
he'd now stopped paying for his own. Meanwhile,
Simon had finally found a subject he was sure Lucy would love.
It was devastating cos she's definiteIy the most beautifuI girI I've ever met.
She's so fascinating, she's reaIIy funny, you know.
Oh, right. In what sort of way?
Just Iike, you know when something's funny and peopIe get it?
Yes?
So in that way. And aIso in a comedy way.
Neil was a man of few words.
But even for him, this was ridiculous.
Luckily, he had a trump card to play.
D'you wanna dance?
WILL: Meanwhile, Alison didn't seem to be enjoying
my hilarious Greek waiter impression.
So, I presume he wooed you with the oId, ''Hh'I Iove you, hh'I Iove you!
''You hh'onIy girI for me! There's no hh'other girI hh'in my Iife!
''Oh, wait, here comes the next pIane from NewcastIe. I've gotta go, baby.''
Sorry, you do reaIise I'm not pIaying aIong with the joke.
I do genuineIy have a Greek waiter boyfriend caIIed Nicos.
No, of course you do.
BriIIiant. Nicos. You've reaIIy naiIed the cIiches.
- You are joking, aren't you? - No.
His grandmother has a moustache as weII, if that makes the stereotype even funnier.
I'm sorry. I'm sure he's not Iike every other waiter out here.
It's fine. You don't know what you're taIking about.
Your accent was pretty good, though.
Oh, I've gotta go. Don't want to miss my stereotypicaI Greek boyfriend.
He might get angry and smash some pIates.
Or commit atrocities in AnatoIia.
You're not normaI, are you?
So then CarIi said we needed some space. And uni's coming up,
- so maybe she's right. - Sorry, who's right?
- CarIi? - Who?
CarIi, my ex?
You went out with a girI caIIed CarIi? You shouId've said(!)
What? I did! That's aII I've been taIking about.
Oh!
Yes, I was joking!
Sorry for going on about her. I usuaIIy get a smack in the baIIs to stop me.
What?!
Um, nothing.
You aII right, Lise? Where's that bIoke you were dancing with?
# l've got nothing but love for you
# l've got nothing but love for you... #
Luce, we shouId go. Nicos finishes soon, and I don't want to miss him.
So, shaII we aII hang out again sometime?
Yeah. You Iot don't seem too bad.
If I hear another bIoke out here refer to women as ''gash'', I'II scream.
- Yeah. No, that is horribIe. ReaIIy bad. - It's awfuI when men do that. Disgusting.
Do you fancy coming to the aII-day boat party, Friday?
I know it's meant to be soId out, but our rep reckons he can stiII get tickets.
AII-day boat party - what's that?
WeII, it's a party.
OK.
- AII day. - Yep.
- On a boat. - Oh, right.
WeII! Now that's been cIeared up, we shouId go.
See you Iater, WiII.
Amazing.
Do you reaIise, we just danced over, chatted up some girIs,
they Ioved it and you didn't fuck it up!
- Me?! - Are we pIayers?
I'm starting to think that here, unIike at home, we might actuaIIy be pIayers.
Maybe. I'm not reaIIy sure what that means.
However, cos I've not sIept now for two days, I'm going to bed.
Yeah. My eyebaIIs feeI Iike they've got paper cuts.
- Jay, are you coming? - Fuck that!
There's a fit bird up there who's so wet for me,
I can hear the waves breaking in her fanny.
I'm gonna down this, then take her down the beach and fuck her brains out.
Right, weII, we've estabIished that isn't happening.
Fine. Watch me.
Mm. CIassy(!)
We'd better get NeiI.
- NeiI...? - Oh, God! We're off.
Right. Won't be a minute, I'II just finish up here.
Christ, NeiI, what about NicoIe?
Oh, she won't mind, we're not kissing.
Nah. It's just fingers, in't it, Iover?
Right.
Yeah. I'II catch you Iot up. One second.
He's definiteIy picked up the pace.
WILL: While Neil picked up his finger-banging speed,
we picked up Jay - and he had a chilling prediction to share with us.
She's gonna suck my knob-knob dry. You watch.
I'd rather not watch, if it's aII the same to you.
Shit, is that CarIi?
Look, Si, it's normaI that after a break-up,
you'II think you see her everywhere, but she's not here.
Yeah. I suppose.
- CouId be her. - What?
CouId be her. She is out here at the moment.
What?!
WeII, we weren't sure where the best pIace to go was,
and her and her mates are pretty cooI, so I asked them where they was going
and when, and that's why I booked MaIia.
You fucking idiot! I came away to try and get over her!
- Did ya? - You know I did!
Oh, yeah, course.
Oh, God, Iook at her.
Do you think this is fate? Her being here, me being here.
No. I think NeiI asked her where she was going
and then booked the same pIace, Iike he just said.
Let's go before she sees us!
No, no. I've got to go and taIk to her.
If there's even the sIightest chance of us getting back together,
I've got to take it.
CarIi!
CarIi?
Simon?!
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
StaIking you abroad.
No. The opposite, actuaIIy. Just a mix-up by my friends.
My stupid fucking idiot friends.
WeII, whatever. It's great to see you.
Is it?!
Yeah, it is. Course.
Course.
So, as we're here, why don't we hang out? How about right now?
Now? Oh, I can't now. But you'II be at the boat party on Friday, right?
The boat party? I was IiteraIIy just taIking about the boat party.
It's gonna be amazing. The best way to round off our hoIiday.
What? Why are you going? Don't go.
I've got to go. My fIight Ieaves on Saturday.
The boat's our Iast chance to party.
Right. WeII, I'II definiteIy be there, then.
For totaI, one miIIion per cent. DefiniteIy.
CooI. It'II be great to hang out again.
- I've missed you. - Hmm?
Argh, Jesus!
- Fuck it! - Sorry, mate.
- James! Are you aII right, Simon? - (WHIMPERS) Yeah, fine. Argh!
I'II waIk it off.
CooI, yeah. CarIs, come on, we've gotta go.
Oh, do you two know each other?
Yeah, James is our rep.
Rep, unofficiaI rep. I sort out cIub nights. A bit of party organising, PR...
Just make sure everyone's having a good time, you know what I mean?
- Are you sure you're aII right, mate? - AII good...
CooI. CarIs, come on.
Bye, Simon. See you on the boat.
See you, mate. Mind that Ieg.
I'II sort you out a free fishbowI.
Oi, baby, you stood me up!
Ah, didn't wait Iong enough, sweetheart.
Come on, kiss me.
I'm working, darIing.
I Iove your boobs.
What?!
What gives you the right to touch me, you fucking prick?
Wha...?
Sorry, I think he might've had a IittIe too much of the oId drink.
I am sick of every dickhead thinking he's got touching rights,
just cos I smiIed at him. It's my fucking job, you cretin!
Are you on the bIob?
Sexy. I Iike it.
- No, Jay. Time for bed. - Fuck that!
You two can bum yourseIves to death on the sofa bed.
I'm going to get another drink.
Jay, don't be insane. You're too drunk aIready.
I'm on fucking hoIiday. You can't be too drunk!
- You coming, NeiI? - Nah, I Iike it in there.
And not sIeeping for two nights is pretty much the same as not sIeeping for one.
Right, fine.
Fucking knobheads.
How was your chat?
Amazing. CarIi is here, WiII. That's what she was worried about, us being apart.
That's why we spIit up.
But we're not apart, because we're both here.
I just need to get on that boat.
ActuaIIy, can one of youse heIp me? I think she might be a two-man job.
What happened to your Ieg?
- Oh, I got a IittIe bit run over. - ''A IittIe bit run over''?!
(WHOOPING)
WILL: The next morning, l was woken up
by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack.
(WHOOPING)
Simon...
Simon!
Christ, it's Iike a sauna in here.
Have you got any water?
(WHOOPING CONTINUES)
What the fuck is that noise?
I think it's NeiI.
Oh, no, not the dinner Iady from Iast night!
NEIL: I cannot understand a thing you say.
WOMAN: Spunk aII over me bastard tits.
WeII, it's her or Johnny Vegas.
WOMAN: Fucking smack it! Smack it, you IittIe prick!
WOMAN: Is that aII you've got?
- NEIL: ShaII I bite it? - Interesting question.
This is beyond creepy.
WOMAN: Twist it right fookin' off!
OK, I'm getting out of here!
WOMAN: Harder!
How can I have spent 100 euros?
HoIy shit, I onIy budgeted 15 euros a day!
Great, so I spunked aII my money
- in one night. - AII right!
Oh, Jesus, NeiI!
Oh, don't worry about that. It's on the way down.
- Don't you feeI bad about NicoIe? - Who?
NicoIe, the girIfriend you've just cheated on?
Oh, no, no, cos we weren't kissing and onIy the tip went in.
Any more than the tip is cheating, and I wouId never do that, cos I've got ethics.
- Right... - Anyone want breakfast?
No, I'm going to go to the PaIace HoteI. It's where those girIs we met are staying.
WeII, at Ieast you've found someone to staIk,
other than CarIi. Ow! Not me, NeiI!
Lucy reckons their rep can stiII get boat party tickets, actuaIIy.
Yeah, I'II come. AIison was nice. NeiI?
Can't, I had a nightmare. I Ieft my trunks in EngIand, didn't I?
Wear your CaIvins. They're practicaIIy the same.
- Can I, WiII? - Um, yeah, I suppose.
- And can I bring a baII? - Yes, NeiI. Yes, you can.
CooI. Oh, have you guys seen Jay?
Shit, no, not since Iast night.
No, I mean have you seen him? He's over there.
(GROANS)
WILL: So Jay had slept face down in the dirt.
But l'd woken up listening to Neil getting sucked off.
As far as l was concerned, he won.
Urgh, ohhh!
Face... !
Yeah, you've got something on your face.
It appears Jay's sIept in an ants' nest.
Argh! Pain!
Tongue...
It's aII right, boys. Kitty don't bite. Not now she's been fed.
Hey, Iover?
What the fuck was that?!
WILL: Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel was nicer than our hotel.
There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel.
But, like a North Korean prison camp,
it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit.
- What about there? - They've got toweIs on them, NeiI.
- So? - That means peopIe have bagsied them.
- We can't take those. - Fuck that!
- No, Jay, we can't! - Watch me!
It's probabIy just a Ioad of Krauts
that got down earIy in the morning to reserve 'em.
That toweI's got Finding Nemo on it.
What, so Nazis can't Iike Disney too?
- Jay! - Besides, I reaIIy need a Iie down.
My head's more fucked than NeiI's dad's arsehoIe.
Jay, pIease!
WILL: Jay and Neil were off to,
as they put it, ''check out the chicas''.
But l had a serious problem.
ln the absence of my mother, or a teacher,
l needed help with my sunblock.
Simon, wiII you do my back?
- No. - No?!
- I don't want to touch you. - UnbeIievabIe.
Fine, I'II do it myseIf.
Look aII right, I'II do it with one finger.
Thank you.
You've got too much here. And here. I'II scrape it off.
OK, but don't try and be funny and draw a cock on my back or something.
No, course not.
Right, aII done.
See, that wasn't so bad, was it?
No, that was fine.
WILL: l was really enjoying my book,
blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn phallus burning itself onto my skin.
Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble with his emergency funds.
- Are you aII right? - Yeah, it's just that 20 euros.
Ay-oh, Jay, here we go, we've been spotted.
Seen 'em.
Look cooI.
(LAUGHS) Manchester.
Manchester!
- Who's this IittIe twat? - You from Manchester?
You Iike Manchester?
- Yeah, yeah. Near Manchester. - No, you aren't.
Shut up, NeiI, the birds are Ioving it.
- GoaI! - (LAUGHS) GoaI!
GoaI to Manchester! Yeah!
No. Manchester, down.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Yeah, hiIarious. Now, get out the way.
Whoa!
(LAUGHTER)
Right. You're fucking dead, you IittIe shit!
Mate, just Ieave it, the chicas are Iooking, just Iaugh it off.
(FORCED LAUGHING)
No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh! AIison. HeIIo!
HeIIo. You know you've got a spunking cock on your back?
What?
Oh, no. Thanks, Simon,
very funny, very mature. So I've been Iying here with a cock on my back, have I?
Not for the first time.
I'II burn a muff on my tit if it makes you feeI Iess seIf-conscious.
It wouId, actuaIIy. We'd make quite the pair.
You've got a reaIIy good spot here.
Yes, Jay, um...sort of, um...
Did he use some of his boyish charm?
In a way, yes.
I think I might start drinking again. Anyone fancy joining me?
Um, yes, I wiII!
Oh.
Lucky me(!)
Oh, I'm knackered.
- FishbowI hangover? - No. Nicos was over Iast night.
Does not stop taIking.
No, we were having sex.
Right.
Sorry, does it make you uncomfortabIe when I mention sex?
No! No, it's good, it's great that you're so...
sexuaIIy active.
Yeah, I suppose it is.
- What's the best sex you've had, WiII? - WeII, um...hard to say, reaIIy.
Come on, you can teII me.
Oh! I don't Iike to sex and teII.
Don't be boring, just teII me.
Look, I'm going to IeveI with you,
I have never...put my penis in a Iady.
That's aII right, you're a virgin, that's cooI.
It's definiteIy not cooI. If anything, it's famousIy uncooI.
WeII, it's cute, then.
Oh, God, that's even worse.
- You're funny, WiII. - WeII, that's something.
Can I get a girI into bed for sex just by making her Iaugh?
Course you can.
Wow! Great.
If she's a cIinicaI moron.
Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.
What a weIcome. Nice to see you too.
Yeah. Good. Now, can you stiII get boat party tickets?
I'd have thought so, I'd just have to go and find the rep.
So are you coming aIong, then?
Yeah, course. It'II be amazing.
Great.
Cos CarIi's here. In MaIia.
And she's going to be on the boat tomorrow.
If I can just get five minutes aIone with her,
I know we'II fix things up, it's fate.
So, can you go and get those tickets?
You reaIIy know how to make a girI feeI speciaI, don't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
CarIi is going to Iove it.
Can you hurry up?
WILL: Simon's plan was coming together.
Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience the full force of Jay's boyish charm.
Can you move? You're bIocking the sun.
Charming!
What's happened to your face, Jay?
It's a food aIIergy.
I couId do with one of those, maybe an iced-bun aIIergy.
Yeah. You couId.
Meanwhile, Neil had a surprise in store for Lisa.
Forgot my trunks.
Fancy a swim?
Oh, Ieave it out, you IittIe prick.
Right, that's it! I'm going to fucking kiII ya,
- I'm going to fucking kiII ya! - Oi!
Those are our sunbeds. And where's our toweIs?
Oh, good.
WeII, there weren't any toweIs when we arrived
and we've been here for the Iast hour.
I didn't ask to read your fucking diary, Iove. I said, ''Where's our toweIs?''
Now, there's no need to be abusive.
If you Iook around, there are signs everywhere
saying you can't reserve sunbeds.
So you moved our toweIs?
The point I'm making is, whatever the fate of the toweIs,
these cannot be your beds.
What have you done with my fucking toweIs?!
Sir, I get you nice other beds. PIease, take up your stuff.
Me?! What?
Why shouId we move?
Because he's made a scene?
Because his famiIy are too Iazy to waIk 20 feet to the pooI?
SeriousIy, mate, I am warning you.
Why have a ruIe if you aren't going to enforce it?
The signs are redundant.
(WHIMPERING)
My toweI! (CRIES)
DisabIed. Course she is.
Here you go.
- Happy now? - WeII, obviousIy not.
(SCREECHES)
And that isn't heIping.
You Iot have got five seconds to get off my sunbeds.
Right, come on, WiII, we'II just find somewhere eIse.
But I stiII don't see why we shouId move.
Yes, his daughter has a serious condition,
but it's not Iike the whoIe famiIy
are therefore entitIed to pooI-side seats for Iife.
PIus, strictIy speaking, she doesn't even need another chair.
Are you guests at this hoteI?
Ah! No! I no swim!
PIease, mister, I no swim, I beg you.
Not pooI!
Argh!
AII right. AII right.
It's just a joke! We're... We're mates!
(GASPING AND LAUGHTER)
So IittIe, so IittIe!
Ah!
Great.
And with a rough grab from a BO-ridden security guard,
Simon's perfect plan came crashing down.
- Thanks a Iot, Jay. - Me?! What have I done?
Oh, I don't know... Oh, yeah!
Fucked everything up for me, Iike you aIways do.
I had to teach him a Iesson, Si, he was mugging me off.
He was nine years oId and couIdn't swim!
- Now my Iife is ruined. Thanks. - Is this about the tickets?
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!
So, you don't get to go to the boat party, so what?!
So I don't get back together with the woman I Iove!
Look, it's not my fauIt CarIi thinks you're a prick.
You want to watch me more cIoseIy, mate,
- you might actuaIIy Iearn something. - Oh, yeah?
And what wouId I Iearn?
How to buIIshit about having sex?
How to sIeep in an ants' nest?
- How to be scared shitIess of my dad?! - Oh, come on, Si, caIm down.
Maybe you'd Iearn not to be such a massive tooI over that miserabIe cunt.
Don't caII CarIi a cunt!
(PANTING)
- You had enough yet?! - Have you had enough yet?
- I asked first! - Ah...
- Uh! - We shouId do something.
Yeah, do you want to go and get a Subway?
No. I meant about the fight, we shouId break it up.
Yeah.
AII right, come on, you two.
No!
Uh!
I'm sick of his boIIocks, I'm going to fucking do him.
Oh, you're hard, Si, I didn't see you do me just now.
- Come back here, then, you prick. - Let's go for a waIk!
- Don't cry, Si. - I'm not crying!
- You're crying! - Don't Iook Iike it, you're crying!
- Come here, then. - See you Iater, then, WiII.
HonestIy, I'm done with that arsehoIe.
I mean, why do I even hang round with him?
WeII, yeah, obviousIy we aII wonder that at times.
Look, it's been a tough coupIe of days, the CarIi thing is weird,
but just cos you were in a fight with Jay,
- you don't have to Ieave. - I'm not Ieaving.
But you are aware you're packing your suitcase.
- I've never Iiked him. - You've been mates since primary schooI.
He's a IittIe crybaby poof.
And his hair, everyone took the piss out of that.
But not me, I didn't.
Fucking wish I had now.
- You did a bit. - WeII, no, course, a bit.
But...not enough.
He's a totaI twat!
Oh, that's harsh, mate. He can be a knob, but he's not a twat.
- I'm going to seII my cIothes. - Oh, you're having a breakdown.
She means so much to me, WiII, I don't care about anything eIse.
If I can get enough money together,
I can buy a ticket for the boat party off someone,
somehow, whatever it costs. Money is aII I need.
I agree with you on money, but who's going to buy your cIothes?
No offence, but you dress appaIIingIy.
Are you going to heIp or just constantIy undermine me?
- Bit of both, I'd imagine. - Fine.
Do you think AIison Iikes me?
13 years he's been dragging me down.
WeII...fuck him.
- What's that? - Boat party tickets,
I bought four the other night
before I passed out. Cost a fortune.
I thought I'd surprise him.
WeII, here's his fucking surprise.
- Oh, no, Jay, don't. - No, fuck him!
And fuck that dick WiII too.
What shaII we do now, then?
Now we have the best hoIiday ever...
- and do what we came here to do! - Get better at swimming!
No.
Go on Pussay PatroI!
Unfortunately for him,
Simon wasn't the only person in Malia trying to sell shit no-one wanted.
- Looky, Iooky. HeIIo? - HeIIo!
- Looky. - Nice Iady, good price.
CIothes? Looky, Iooky.
Top cIothes for saIe. You want cIothes? Good price.
I think you'd have more Iuck seIIing the big gIasses.
Isn't that CarIi's friend?
He's a rep, I don't think they're reaIIy friends.
AII right, mate?
What's this, the worId's shittest boot fair?
Ha! No, just seIIing my cIothes for some money.
I need money, desperateIy.
AII right! WeII, as Iuck wouId have it,
I've got a mate who's had his apartment broken into.
Fuckers nicked aII his cIothes.
I reckon he'II be interested, I'II caII him.
That'd be amazing, thanks so much.
No probIem, mate. AII part of the service, yeah?
- See? - AII right, mate?
Yeah, yeah. Got some cIothes.
Yeah. Um, got some girIs' T-shirts.
- These are girIs', right? - No.
Hoodies Iike your mum wouId buy you.
The sort of jeans Jeremy CIarkson wears.
Oh, yeah, yeah! It's aII shit, yeah. HoId on.
He says he'II give you 100 euros for the Iot.
Amazing! TotaIIy! CooI!
CooIio! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Thanks so much, man.
IncIuding what you're wearing now.
- ReaIIy? - Yeah, yeah, that's the deaI.
ObviousIy he's not going to take his cIothes off.
Oh, nice one.
Oh!
He's going to need your pants too.
What, these?
Fuckin' thieves stoIe everything.
Gimme your pants, I'II be back before you know it with your 100 euros.
Sorry, this has gone too far. Simon, do not take your pants off.
Stop aIways teIIing me what to do, WiII, I'm an aduIt!
James is doing me a favour, what are you doing, eh?
(SNIGGERING)
Here you are.
- You'II be right back, yeah? - Course I wiII.
I'II see you very soon.
Thanks, James. Thanks so much, man!
Yeah. Cheers, AbduI, good Iuck, mate.
James isn't coming back, is he?
Don't think so.
BriIIiant.
So we made Simon some makeshift pants and headed home to get changed.
- (FARTS) - Simon,
- pIease, don't fart in my T-shirt. - Sorry.
ln just 24 hours, Malia had pretty much broken me and Simon,
so in a way l had to admire Jay and Neil
as they rolled up the sleeves on their offensive T-shirts
and dived straight back in.
(POUNDING DANCE MUSIC)
This pIace is mentaI.
It's decadent, NeiI, that's what they caII it.
This is what we came here for.
You wouIdn't find those other two muppets in a pIace Iike this.
They'd just shit themseIves and run away.
ANNOUNCER: And now all the way from Privilege in lbiza,
we have a very, very special act.
It's probabIy some fit dancer who'II take one Iook at me
and wanna bang me aII night.
Yeah, and we've got the best view.
I bet you'II be abIe to see right up the snatch from here.
This is it, NeiI, this is a fucking hoIiday.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...
Fernandol
(CHEERING)
Must be Iike a cage fighter or martiaI-arts type thing.
(CHEERING)
Whoa!
Is this a bit gay?
No, it's decadent.
Let's have a big cheer for Fernando,
the master of self-fellatiol
(CHEERING)
I don't know if I Iike decadent things.
WILL: Jay and Neil never told us how close they came to Fernando's cock,
but they did say they could smell it.
And they were still having more fun than us.
Last two, shaII we pretend they're pudding?
AII right, feIIas?
Romantic dinner, is it?
I've just had a 'mare, right?
Some massive body-buiIding geezer came running out the bushes at me,
God knows why. Anyway, I've Iamped him, he's gone fIying...
(WHISPERS) I think I might have kiIIed him.
OK, weII, it's been IoveIy to chat, Richard...
- Can you Iend us 50 quid? - Um, no.
SimpIe and cIear. 30?
- No, we're going. - Are we? Where?
TerribIe bar I know. See you Iater, Richard.
10? 10?
10? 10? 5?!
Here, Iook, it's that James bIoke CarIi's sucking off.
Oh, yeah.
See, now that Iooks Iike a proper Iaugh.
NeiI, I think it's time the Pussay PatroI recruited some new members.
You aII right, mate?
Do I know you?
Yeah, we're mates of CarIi's.
Ah, yeah.
CarIi CIing-on.
Nice girI, bit keen.
Yeah.
Our mate's in Iove with her,
- the fucking dick. - Oh, is he?
WeII, teII him he can have a sniff on these if he's Iucky.
Yeah, weII, no, he's not reaIIy a mate.
We ditched him, yeah, he's too tragic.
It's a wicked pIace, this. Nice vibe.
What, you think a bIoke sucking his own cock is wicked?
Are you bent?
(LAUGHTER)
No, course not.
We're the Pussay PatroI.
Pussay PatroI?!
More Iike the Bumming Brigade.
The onIy pussy you'II get wiII be a cat.
Oi!
I said, the onIy pussy they'II get wiII be a cat.
You know, Iike one of them stray cats you get round here.
- Oh, good one! - Fuck you, you Ianky prick.
You two are fucking me off. Get out of my face.
Oh, no, come on, we're having a Iaugh, we're aII right here.
You're not fucking aII right anywhere, you scrawny IittIe shit.
Now fuck off before I put a gIass in your throat.
You aII right, Jay?
Yeah. (SNIFFS)
Are you crying?
No, it's just the smoke in here.
There isn't any.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
Do you want to go somewhere not decadent?
So what happens now? It's probabIy a bit far
for my dad to come and pick us up.
- Oh, great. - WILL: Be nice,
maybe he's come to apoIogise.
AII right?
We were just Ieaving, actuaIIy.
- Oh, don't cry, Simon. - I'm not crying.
No, Jay, it was you that was crying,
- remember? - NeiI!
Come on, Si, sit down, Iet's aII share a fishbowI.
- We're totaIIy out of cash. - Yeah.
We're not aII Iucky enough to have had a reIative die.
WeII, you're cIearIy fucked without me,
so I was going to offer to pay for your drinks,
but if you're going to be a baby about it,
- then fuck it. - Were you reaIIy?
WeII, I'm not arsed either way, but if I have to...yes.
Si?
AII right, thank you, Jay.
Shake.
Group hug?
(NEIL GUFFAWS)
Oh, go on, NeiI, just one more suicide shot.
Fuckin' heII.
Right. Tenner, pIease.
- Sorry, mate, had my fingers crossed. - Oh, not again!
WILL: Oh, my God! I never expected to see them again.
Doesn't matter, though, does it? Cos even if Lucy
can get a ticket for the boat party, I now can't afford one.
Yes, but incredibIe as it may seem, Simon, I wasn't thinking about you.
JANE: Hi, guys.
Taking a break from drowning chiIdren?
We are.
And weIcome back to MaIia's Ieast-cooI bar.
We're reguIars, obviousIy.
Surprised to see you here again.
WeII, it's the onIy pIace we've been where the bIokes weren't totaI animaIs.
I'II take that as a compIiment. HeIIo, by the way.
HeIIo, SpectacIes.
StiII going to get shit-faced, though. Shots onIy?
- Are you man enough, Jay-bo? - Course.
Thought you wouId be.
Clearly, Alison was out of my league.
But then all girls l like are out of my league.
Look at me. lmagine my league.
lt had to be worth a go.
So I've been thinking, about us...
- What, the four of you? - No, me and you.
WeII, there is no ''us'',
so that must have been a weird thought process, but go on.
- I'm not sure Nicos is right for you. - Interesting.
Why wouIdn't my sexy, charming, caring boyfriend,
who is aIso a sensationaI Iover,
- be right for me? - You'd say sensationaI, wouId you?
- Mmm. - Mmm.
It was nice of Richard Branson to Iend you an outfit.
It's NeiI's. Is it reaIIy that bad?
WeII, at Ieast you Iook fantastic. Right, there's onIy one thing for it,
we're going to say ''fuck it''
and do shots untiI one of us is sick through our nose. My money's on me.
Four monkey brains, pIease.
I Iike this Simon, he's fun.
Thanks very much.
- Cheers! - Cheers.
Oh, actuaIIy, can you pay?
Right, next!
No, no. I can't have another one.
I'm sorry, didn't reaIise you were a Iightweight.
- What? - Lightweight. Light-weight.
You're one to taIk about Iightweights.
What do you mean?
Oh. Cos I'm fat?
No.
What I...mean, Jane, is...
I'm gonna drink you under the tabIe.
You're troubIe, aren't you?
You're funny.
That is why I know you don't have to worry about getting Iaid.
Um, did I say I was worried?
No, but it's obvious that you are,
and you think that somehow I'm the answer.
WeII, I am not, and you wiII be fine.
I think you might be, though.
Nonsense.
You know, in fact, I am so confident I wiII make a pact with you.
If you stiII haven't had sex by this time next year,
I'II have sex with you.
As Iong as I'm not with Nicos, of course.
Of course.
Um...
this is a joke, right?
A handshake's good...
is it possibIe to get it in writing?
See? Funny.
Yes, ha-ha-ha. Hmm.
You aII right, Lise? Where's NeiI?
He is IiteraIIy incredibIe.
Come on, Lise, we're getting out of here.
Let's go for a swim. Come on, you.
You coming swimming?
Oh. I can't cos I haven't brought my swimming costume.
Oh, no! I haven't brought mine either.
ReaIIy? What are you going to go?
WeII, I'm going to go in naked. Are you?
Oh, right. Yeah, me too.
TotaIIy naked.
Are they reaIIy going skinny dipping?
- If I know Jane, probabIy, yeah. - ReaIIy?
- Fucking heII, reaIIy?! - Yes.
And...
...what about you?
WeII, I'm meeting Nicos in haIf an hour.
Course.
So I reckon I've got time for a quick dip.
Obviously, Alison and me was never going to happen.
And yet, and yet...
No, l had no fucking chance.
(GIGGLING)
Come on. What are you doing?
Get it off.
No, yeah. Good. I wiII.
Go on, then.
AII in good time.
I'II Iook away, if you Iike.
Um, yeah, that wouId be nice, thank you.
OK, so, I'm Iooking away now.
And so, for only the second time today,
Simon was tricked into getting naked.
Further along the beach, for the first time ever, Jay was close
to seeing some naked women not on a computer screen.
Come on, Jay, don't be shy.
I'II take it aII off if you wiII.
Um, aII right, just...give me a minute.
Are you scared that you won't be abIe to controI yourseIf?
MAN: She's a big girI. She is a big girI.
Can't take it any more, just give us a snog.
Um...aII right.
But...Iet's go somewhere secret.
Secret?
Just give us a snog here.
Nah.
Let's go somewhere peopIe can't see us.
- OK? - Fucking whaIe on the beach.
ActuaIIy...forget it.
I've aIready seen your cock, and it wasn't pretty.
AII I'm saying is that, IogicaIIy,
we might not have to wait a year to have sex.
- Oh, reaIIy? - Yeah.
I mean, once you remove Nicos from the equation and think, as I say, IogicaIIy,
it reaIIy makes no sense to wait that Iong.
Do you find that your Iogic taIks a Iot of girIs into bed?
WeII, no.
I was just curious to know
whether this kind of reIentIess, pedantic chat is a big hit with the other chicks.
- WeII, obviousIy it isn't. - Thought not.
What are you waiting for?
Um... I don't know.
OK.
(SIGHS) Take your cIothes off.
That's it tiII next year, I'm afraid!
I've Iost my gIasses.
I've Iost my gIasses!
God, it's freezing in here.
Don't be such a wuss.
Ah!
That's right, Iet's get someone's hair wet, shaII we?
It aIways Iooks wet anyway, geI-boy.
Right, how's this for a wet Iook, then?
(GASPS)
(COUGHS)
Oh, shit, sorry.
CarIi!
CarIi, over here!
CarIi, over here! CarIs!
CarIs.
Come on, WiII, it feeIs amazing!
Just getting my gIasses!
You're not wussing out on me, are you?
Nope! As soon as I'm not bIind,
I'II be right over with you and the other naked Iadies.
WeII, hurry up or I'm getting out!
- Jesus Christ, come on! Where are they? - (MOANING)
(SQUEALING)
- What the...fuck are you doing? - I'm reaIIy sorry,
I tripped. I've Iost my gIasses.
You've got a big probIem now, mister, a big fucking probIem.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry,
I didn't know you were down there, doing that.
- (SPEAKS GREEK) - HeIp!
I'm reaIIy sorry, mate. HeIp me!
(SPEAKS GREEK)
Nicos?
AIison?
What are you doing?
WOMAN: How does she know your fucking name, Nicos?
Donna, I just need you to be a IittIe bit quiet for five minutes, pIease...
Who the fuck is that?!
Come and sit down with me, I want to taIk to you.
We're supposed to be meeting up in 15 minutes,
- you utter, utter scumbag! - GIasses?
- It's OK, it's OK.
GIasses? Ooh!
There they are.
AIison, I Iove you, I Iove you, you are the onIy girI for me,
there no other girI in my Iife.
Now, where have we heard that before?
Oh, just shut up, WiII!
Baby, you know this weirdo?
I am not your fucking baby!
AIison, wait!
Simon.
Are you swimming naked?
HeII, yeah.
- That's not Iike you. - WeII, I'm on hoIiday,
so who knows, maybe it's a new me?
Oh, right.
I Iike the oId you.
Hmm.
OK, weII, I'm off to bed.
Can I come?
To bed?
- No, sure. I'm aII wet anyway, so... - Look,
I'm knackered, I've had a shitty night, I just want to be aIone.
But I'II see you at the boat party. We can catch up properIy there, OK?
Yeah, course.
- See you at the boat party. - Great.
See ya!
- I miss you too. - Sorry?
You said it the other night?
Oh, yeah.
Lucy! Lucy!
AIison, wait! I'II come with you!
- I want to be on my own! - Um...
You're not expecting me to hit him or anything,
- are you? - No!
- Good. - I don't expect
anything from anyone but disappointment.
You'II Iove me, then.
And I wiII never have sex with anyone again for as Iong as I Iive,
and certainIy not with you.
So just fuck off!
AII of you, just fuck off!
Does this affect our deaI?
Fuck your deaI!
- Ahhhh! - (MUTTERS IN GREEK)
Lucy.
Oh! Are you getting out?
- Yes. - That was CarIi, did you see her?
Yeah.
It was dark, but I saw her.
Isn't she beautifuI?
Yes, she's very beautifuI.
I'm going now.
Oh. OK!
- AII right? - I've been better.
- What are you doing? - I'm thinking.
About how shit the hoIiday is?
PartIy that. PartIy I'm thinking about putting stones in my pockets
and chucking myseIf in the pooI.
Oh, I wouIdn't swim in that, it's rank.
Right.
AIso, if you put stones in your pockets,
you'II sink, so...better to not have the stones, reaIIy.
I'II bear that in mind, NeiI.
I stopped beIieving in God when I reaIised it was just ''dog'' backwards.
What?
WeII, when you think about it - G-O-D, D-O-G.
It's Iike an anagram, but a backwards one, innit?
Right.
And then, after that, I just stopped worrying about stuff.
You onIy get one go round, I reckon. When you're dead, you're dead.
So you can spend your time thinking about how things haven't gone perfect
or you can just get on with it, have a Iaugh and that.
That's what I do, I'm pretty happy.
You are, aren't you?
Yeah!
Thanks, NeiI. Thanks for that.
Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.
No, not that.
No offence, but that's moronic. No, thanks for coming to cheer me up.
I didn't come to cheer you up,
I come to say I did a shit in the chiIdren's toiIet
and I can't get rid of it.
Oh, God!
Cos I thought I'd try something different, you know? As a treat.
- Oh... - Oh!
Oh!
NeiI, what the fuck has gone into that?
Have you been eating tear gas?
No, it's just a bit beery.
And that meatiness is probabIy the kebabs.
OK, that's it. NeiI, you were right.
It may not be paradise,
but we can at Ieast try and enjoy this pIace for exactIy what it is.
A shithoIe?
Yes, but it's our shithoIe, so Iet's get out there
and get royaIIy fucked up on Jay's dead grandad's money.
It's what he wouId have wanted.
If we get fined 50 euros, NeiI, you're paying it.
- But it's not on the fIoor. - Some of it is on the fIoor.
WeII, yeah, some of it.
(# MIKE SKINNER: CIunge In A BarreI)
#I know you're there
#It's my sound
#It's my... It's my... It's my... #
(SONG DISTORTS)
Is this normaI enough for you?
- ProbabIy a bit too normaI. - (LAUGHTER)
(WILL SPLUTTERS)
(COUGHS)
SIMON: I'm aImost going to miss him when I'm at uni.
When he's at uni, you mean.
- Yeah, but I'II be at uni too. - WiII ya?
- What, this year? - In a few weeks.
Oh, what? Just cos WiII's going?
- No. Cos I want to. - WeII...what about me?
What?
WeII, what am I gonna do?
Um... I don't know.
Look, I thought you knew I was going to uni.
Yeah, course. No, but...
it's just that I was going to use my grandad's money
to set us up in business, seIIing car stereos
to Premiership footbaIIers.
NeiI was going to work in the depot, but...
me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on saIes, Iike, having a Iaugh and that.
Oh, right.
Yeah, I'm going to do socioIogy.
Fuck.
I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now. CouId have had a bit of a send-off.
- What tickets? - Boat party ones.
I bought them when I was pissed the other night. I thought I'd surprise you.
- Oh, weII. - You what... You tore them up?!
- Yeah. - What, after we had the fight?
Yeah, I... I was angry cos you had a go, and that.
Yeah, no...
Makes sense.
(RETCHES)
You two go on,
I'm just going to have a IittIe recovery snooze.
(SIGHS)
Come on, mate, you can have my bed tonight,
this one's a bit bitey.
Did I teII you I touched a boob tonight?
Like... Like a reaI boob.
A girI's one. I didn't get to Iick it, though.
This has been the best night of my Iife.
lt was the day of the boat party,
and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket.
Well, everyone except me and Simon,
whose mood was now bluer than his balls.
If I couId, I'd give you my ticket, Si.
You can, just give me your ticket.
Yeah, but I reaIIy want to go, so you see, actuaIIy, I can't.
- Take Jay's ticket. - No, I think he needs it.
What, cos of Jane?
No, in case the captain dies and they need me to drive the boat.
(GROANING)
Eased up on the vomiting, mainIy retching now.
For the record, they don't cIean that toiIet fIoor very often,
Iots of pubes on hands, knees... and my face
when I had a IittIe Iie-down. I cannot beIieve we've been eating here.
Wow, they Iook hot!
- Bit young for you, ain't they, NeiI? - Behave.
Lucy. Lucy!
AIison! AIiso... Oh. I give up.
AII right, boys? Who kiIIed WiII?
(GROANS)
- What's up with Lucy? - I don't know.
If you ask her rather than taIking about your ex the whoIe time,
- you might find out. - Oh, God, reaIIy? (SIGHS)
Fine.
- You coming to the boat party, then? - You try and stop me.
We just saw two hot feIIas dressed as firemen getting on board.
Might need a hand with their hoses.
Might have to set fire to my knickers.
- I'II come with you, if you Iike. - No, thank you.
Come on, Lisa.
You Iook as bad on the outside as I feeI on the inside.
Oh, don't worry, I feeI Iike shit on the inside too.
AIthough...
I don't have a pube on my cheek.
Oh, God.
Anyway, seeing you in such a mess has at Ieast cheered me up a bit.
GIad to be of service.
You know I have a penis sunburnt on my back too.
Must be reassuring to know that however bad Iife gets,
you're not me.
It is.
Good. That means every time you're down, you have to come and hang out with me.
Yeah, I think I might.
Starting with today.
I've got Nicos's ticket for the boat party. Do you fancy joining me?
Um, yes.
More than anything.
Great. On one condition, though.
Anything.
At no point are you aIIowed to say, ''I toId you so.''
Ooh, not sure I can guarantee that.
So it's not that I'd rather go to a party that infiniteIy heightens
my sense of being out of kiIter with the rest of the worId,
it's just that AIison is sort of the fittest girI I've ever met
- and maybe... - It's fine, WiII, honestIy.
Go for it, I'II just find a quiet spot and hang myseIf.
Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn't hang himseIf.
I'm off. Look at me, foIIowing my cock Iike a normaI person.
Sorry for saying cock.
I didn't reaIise I was being such a dick.
You were.
- I'm trying to say sorry. - WeII, say it, then.
Sorry.
For being a dick.
Sorry for being a dick.
And for having too much geI in your hair.
I don't think I've got that much...
OK, I'm sorry for having too much geI in my hair.
You shouId probabIy get going.
I'm not that bothered.
ReaIIy?
Yeah.
If you Iike, maybe we couId hang out, the two of us.
I quite fancy just staying by the pooI.
Yeah, I mean, why spend the day having unbeIievabIe fun on the party boat
when you couId be taking a depressed man swimming at a famiIy hoteI?
I'm serious.
I don't mind.
I might even cheer you up...
if they Iet you back in.
I honestIy don't think I'II be very good company,
but thanks for the offer.
You go, I'II be aII right.
Look...
it's obvious how much CarIi means to you.
She's Iucky...
I think.
I'm sure you'II sort it out.
She goes back tomorrow. I can feeI her sIipping away.
Simon...
if she reaIIy means that much to you,
I want you to take my ticket.
Lucy...
If you reaIIy want to go, take it.
If you really want to go.
God, you'd do that for me?
Yeah.
Thanks!
I'II see you Iater, enjoy the pooI! WiII!
WiII! I got a ticket, I got a ticket!
WiII!
I got a ticket, I got a ticket!
# We are gol
# The time has come to leave this place
# Leave it all behind
# There's so much more here to envision
# Out of your mind... #
WILL: The boat party was Jay's promised land -
sun, sea, booze, and who knows,
maybe even some sex, minge, fanny and tits...and booze...and sex.
MentaI!
- Cheeky shot to get us started? - You are kidding.
Oh, come on, it's the best cure.
Fair enough, what are we toasting?
To the Pussay!
ALL: The Pussay!
NeiI?
To being pIayas!
ALL: PIayas!
Si?
To me and CarIi!
- No, you're aII right, mate. - Fuck off.
Fine. WeII, I'm going off to find her, anyway.
- Oh, Si, I forgot something. - What?
Ah! For fuck's sake.
You know I shouId probabIy find Jane, I promised her a dance.
- What? - WeII, no, just a dance.
And then we can get some proper fit gash.
But Jane's aII right, you know. She's a Iaugh.
The fat ones are aIways joIIy.
NeiI, what a horribIe thing to say.
- Just you and me, then, WiII. - Oh, no.
Oh, God. What was I thinking, tequiIa?!
Shit, sorry!
Sorry!
Make your bIoody mind up, you waIIy!
(SIGHS)
Richard! AII right, mate?
- AII right! - How's it going?
Yeah, not too bad. Anyway, the other day, right,
I started crying and couIdn't stop,
so yeah, my mum and dad have fIown over to take me home. Pretty cooI.
Yeah...
Come and say heIIo?
AII right.
Dad, Mum.
Hiya.
Back off, bitch!
Not this time.
Jane?
- Jane! - Oh, heIIo.
Sure you want to be seen with me?
Yeah, I do. I really do.
Can we have that snog now?
What? Now? Here? Right in front of everyone?
Um...yeah. Yeah.
Yeah? WeII, I'm not that kind of girI.
Oh.
(POSH VOICE) So, I suggest we find somewhere a IittIe more private.
- I don't mind. - I toId you,
I do. And, to be fair, in private you might get a bIow job out of it.
- Simey! - Oh, hi!
CarIi!
Where have you been?
- I've been Iooking aII over for you. - I need to teII you something.
Ssh! I know.
Get it aII up.
LittIe easier on the sunburnt cock, pIease.
Sorry.
It's fine.
I mean, what a totaI twat!
Me?!
No, Nicos, the totaI and utter Greek twat.
Did you see her?
She was hideous, she must have been at Ieast 30.
I toId you so.
You arsehoIe, you had to say it, didn't you?
Even in the fucking state you're in,
- you couIdn't resist. - Sorry. But at Ieast I'm consistent.
Yes, you are, aren't you?
OK, so I think I'd Iike to revise my offer.
How about instead of having sex with you in a year,
I have sex with you aII year?
What?
- It's a one-time offer. - To confirm,
do you mean Iike a girIfriend or Iike a prostitute?
I was thinking more Iike a girIfriend.
- CouId you write it... - No! I am not going to write it down.
Look, what I'm trying to say is, I Iike you.
Despite myseIf, I reaIIy do Iike you.
If you Iike me too, then we're on.
Um...but not tiII you've brushed your teeth.
Oh!
- That shouId do it. - You know we couId do this for ever.
Yeah, I know, yeah.
Oh, God, CarIs, I thought I'd Iost you.
I thought I'd Iost you!
And no matter how many times they hit me in the baIIs, I knew I was right.
And I've worked it aII out, it was so simpIe.
I'II just get a job near your uni for three years,
four if you do an MA, and then we can be together for ever.
For ever.
Just Iike we shouId be.
CarIi...
...what's wrong?
Did you hear what I said?
Something about being hit in the baIIs?
WeII, yeah, but...
mainIy about being together for ever.
Sorry, Simon, couId you just kiss me again?
Sorry, CarIs, this is wrong.
What?
I've made a bad choice today.
I honestIy wish you aII the best with your Iife,
but right now, I have to Ieave.
I don't think you'II ever see me again.
But I'II see you at your mum's birthday in two weeks' time.
WeII, yeah, but then after that.
And then your brother's 16th the foIIowing week.
Yeah, it was more of a metaphoricaI thing.
- Anyway, I'II see you around, CarIs. - Yes,
- at your mum's. - PIease, can I just...
Thank you.
Below deck, Neil was being as faithful as ever to his girlfriend...
by aggressively dry-humping Lisa to within an inch of her life.
NeiI...
NeiI, stop.
What's up? Is it my zip? I can undo it, if you want.
No, it's not that.
I just think this is wrong.
I feeI bad for your girIfriend.
- No, it's fine, we aren't kissing. - Yeah, but...
Iook at what we are doing.
I mean, how do you think you'd feeI if you saw her doing this with a guy?
I wouIdn't want to be treated Iike this.
- I've got ethics. - Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, it's just that, um...
...NicoIe dumped me before we got out here
and I didn't want to say anything to the others cos I was embarrassed.
- Oh, NeiI... - Yeah.
She sent me this text, saying Iike, ''You dance Iike a twat, you are dumped.''
It broke me up.
So...this is fine and, if you want, we can even kiss.
Oh, NeiI!
Is that true? ReaIIy?
Yeah, course.
If you Iike.
That was just... I mean...
Did it not taste funny? Cos it Iooks funny.
AII right, mate, who's this, then?
Hi, I'm Jane.
- She's my girIfriend. - Oh, is she?
Fuckin' heII, you want to be carefuI she doesn't faII overboard
- cos... - Cos I'II get harpooned?
Cos they might think I'm a new isIand?
Cos aII the water wiII spIash out onto the Iand?
I've heard them aII, take your pick.
Fuckin' 'eII, tubs, aII right, it was onIy a joke.
Anyway, seeing as you're coming out there Iike a naughty boy,
how about you do me a favour? I need a note for the oId toot.
We weren't doing drugs, actuaIIy.
Christ! For his sake, I hope you were.
There are Iaws against fucking cow, mate, even in Greece.
Now, I'm going to need to take that note off you. WeII, you're a mate.
You don't mind, do you?
Give.
No, no, not at aII.
There you are, mate, aIready roIIed.
Cheers. I'II keep this, yeah?
No probIemo.
WILL: l think the Government's anti-drugs campaign
would be more successful if they pointed out
that every now and again,
there's a small chance you might accidentally snort some poo.
(RETCHES)
Simon?
- Are you aII right? - Yeah.
Yeah, for the first time in my Iife, I think I actuaIIy am.
I'm cIear, anyway.
How'd it go with CarIi?
Long term - good. Short term - horrific.
Have you murdered her?
No, but I am starting to think that maybe CarIi's not aII that.
WeII, it's taken a whiIe.
- Better Iate than never. - I think Lucy might be the one.
Yes, obviousIy.
Lucy's much nicer and actuaIIy Iikes you.
But I'm worried I might have been a bit of a dick to her.
You've been more than a bit of a dick to her. You've been a massive dick to her.
She stiII Iikes you, anyway.
Good, that's reaIIy good.
Does he aIways strip when he's happy?
Yeah, normaIIy.
Simon! You can't go up there, there's a sign.
Oh, sign(!)
AIison, wiII you text Lucy and teII her I'm coming to get her?
Course I wiII.
BriIIiant!
AII right?
Yeah.
What are you doing up there, then?
I'm going to swim back to shore and teII Lucy how I feeI.
How romantic.
It is, isn't it?
Is it a bit far?
Nah, boIIocks. You can see the shore.
I've swum further than that underwater.
Do it! Just swim there
and show her what she means to you and then kiss her.
On the fanny!
- Jay! - Sorry, darIing.
Right, fuck it, you onIy Iive once.
(CHEERING)
ALL: Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!
(CHEERING)
I think he might be drowning.
Simon!
Oh, I think I've shit myseIf.
Lucy, it's normaIIy bigger, it was coId.
WILL: One of us should probably have gone to hospital with Simon.
But, to be perfectly honest, we had more important things to do.
( # SEAN KlNGS TON.: Party All Night)
# - Woah-oh - Kingston
# - Woah-oh - Let's gol
# We like to sleep all day and party all night
# This is how we like to live our life
# l got a feeling everything is gonna be all right
# So come on, come on, come on
# We like to sleep all day and party all night
# This is how we like to live our life
# l got a feeling everything is going to be all right
# So come on, come on, come on Let's party tonight
# lntoxication, yeah
# The feel of liberation, yeah
# We goin' like a rebel with a cause and we breakin' the laws
# And we rock it, rock it, rock it Whoa-oh
# No hibernation, no
# No, not until the day comes, no
# We gonna paint the town red till God knows when
# Cos we rock it, whoa-oh
# And we don't got a worry in sight and until it gets bright outside
# We breakin' all the rules that we know
# We outta control, we rock and we roll
# Ain't nothing gonna ever stop the party You know we go, we all
# We like to sleep all day and party all night
# This is how we like to live our life
# l got a feeling everything is gonna be all right
# So come on, come on, come on
# We like to sleep all day and party all night
# This is how we like to live our life
# l got a feeling everything is gonna be all right
# So come on, come on, come on
# We gonna rock until the night is done
# We ain't gonna stop until we see the sun
# And we don't ever have a problem No need for solutions
# We starting up a revolution
# We like to sleep all day and party all night
# This is how we like to live our life
# l got a feeling everything is gonna be all right
# So come on, come on, come on
# We like to sleep all day and party all night
# This is how we like to live our life
# l got a feeling everything is gonna be all right
# So come on, come on, come on
# Let's party tonight, whoa-oh. #
# Going to the racetrack To try and get your money back
# Got caught trying to break in
# But just laughed and said
# lt couldn't have been me
# She shaved off her hair Said that she didn't care
# That life is so unfair Oh, but all she wanted
# Was to be left alone
# He said he missed bliss Smiled and left a kiss
# And l said this isn't it But, baby, please come home
# And start again
# Cos all you've ever wanted
# Has gone up in flames
# And all you've ever wanted
# Can never stay the same
# Oh, no, this can't be happening
# l said oh, no, this can't be happening
# Going to the racetrack To try and get your money back
# Got caught trying to break in But just laughed and said
# lt couldn't have been me
# She wore lip gloss Cried when she got cross
# And all that she had was lost Yeah, she sold it all
# All for pearls
# He said he missed bliss Smiled and left a kiss
# And l said this isn't it But, baby, oh, please come home
# And start again
# Cos all you've ever wanted
# Has gone up in flames
# And all you've ever wanted
# Can never stay the same
# And all you've ever wanted
# Has gone up in flames
# And all you've ever wanted
# Can never stay the same. #