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翻譯：毛毛 Tina 風流倜儻薩拉丁
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時間軸：YY 校對：Holyzch Rose賽 后期：孤帆 總監：YY
好漢兩個半 第九季第二十一集
《好漢兩個半》前情回顧 Previously, on Two And A Half Men
你何不搬過來跟我一起住 Why don't you move in with me?
什么 What?
你和艾娃都搬來跟我住 Yeah, you and Ava move in with me.
我愛你 我要你跟我一起生活 I love you, and I want you in my life.
我希望能跟你共筑未來 I want to have a future with you.
如果艾娃和我搬過去 If Ava and I move in,
某人是不是得搬走 isn't somebody going to have to move out?
時至今日
爽啊 太爽了 就是那里 Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the ticket.
太爽了 排毒養顏啊 Yes. Out with the bad.
早啊 Morning.
早 Morning.
你醒了就好 Hey, I'm glad you're up.
我想 I wanted...
不好意思 Sorry.
這樣鍛煉真的有用嗎 Is that really a good workout?
有啊 有助于血液循環 Oh, yeah, yeah. It's great for the circulation,
伸展脊柱 stretches the spine.
你的蛋蛋跑出來了 Your ball is hanging out.
不好意思 Oopsie-daisy.
回倉了 Back in the barn.
好吧 那個 Wha... All right, listen, uh,
這周是春假 it's spring break this week,
佐伊和她女兒要來這邊住 so Zoey and her daughter are going to stay here.
那好啊 Oh, that's nice.
其實這也算是一次試運行 Yeah, it's kind of like a... trial run.
我們想在做長期打算之前 You know, see what it's like to live together
先同居一段時間看看 before we decide to do anything permanent.
好主意 Oh, that's a good idea.
同居是不容易啊 Living together is tricky.
蛋蛋 Ball.
對不起 Sorry.
當然 我們全都住在這里 Of course it's going to be a little tight
會稍微擠一點 with all of us living here.
對 Yeah.
這正是我想跟你說的 That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
別擔心 我會叫杰克去他媽那里 Oh, don't worry. I'll tell Jake to go to his mom's.
好 好 Good, good.
我會避嫌 你們不會注意到我的存在 And I'll make myself scarce. You won't even know I'm here.
哎呀 不小心"漏氣"了 Oop. Stepped on a duck.
其實 我想讓你這個星期 All right, actually, I'm going to need you to, uh,
先搬出去住 move out for the week.
等等 整個星期嗎 What, wait, the whole week?
對 你和佐伊不太合得來 Yeah, you and Zoey don't really gel,
所以 我覺得這樣比較好 so, I just thought it'd be for the best.
沒關系 不過 Oh, oh, th's fine. Uh, but, uh, you know,
說明一下 我跟大部分人都合得來 just for the record, I gel with pretty much everybody.
你可以去問問 我可和藹可親了 I mean, ask around, I'm positively gelatinous.
我知道 是她的問題 I know, it's her.
那么 我一周后能回來吧 So, the plan is, I come back after a week?
你也可以把這當成你自力更生的試運行 Uh, you might want to think of this as a trial run of your own.
以免佐伊和我決定 I mean, in case Zoey and I do decide to
以后一起生活 live together permanently.
當然 我明白 Sure, sure, I get it.
我再補充一句 Uh, and, uh, let me just add that
沒有人比我更支持你的個人幸福 no one is rooting for your personal happiness more than I am.
你能這么說 我很高興 That's good to hear.
-謝謝伙計 -別這么說 - Thanks, man. - Oh, no, no, no.
應該我謝謝你 Thank you, buddy.
沒必要慌 No reason to panic.
找個暫時落腳的新家就行了 Just got to find a temporary new home...
還有三顆新蛋蛋[球] ...and three new balls.
-你在干什么 -我休息一下 - What are you doing? - I'm taking a break.
-你不是剛到嗎 -是啊 - Didn't you just get here? - Yeah.
算了 Anyway,
我想先給你提個醒 I just wanted to give you a heads up
這周佐伊要過來這邊住 that Zoey's going to stay here for the week.
-收到 -她會帶女兒過來 - Uh-huh. - And she's bringing her daughter.
-多大 -七歲 - How old? - Seven.
我們一周后見 See ya in a week.
別這樣 波塔 Oh, come on, Berta.
你肯定會喜歡她的 她可愛極了 You'll love her. She's adorable.
她媽肯定喜歡她 Maybe to her mother,
還有拼命想扒她媽褲子的某人 and someone who's trying to get into her mother's pants.
好吧 這不會給你加什么活的 All right, look, it's not going to be any extra work for you.
任何佐伊照顧不了的 都由我來處理 What ever Zoey doesn't take care of, I'll handle.
真的假的 Really?
你去照顧一個七歲的小姑娘 You're going to take care of a seven-year-old?
對 我們處得挺好的 Yeah. We get along great.
況且 我總要學會帶小孩 And besides, I got to learn sometime.
如果我和佐伊結婚了 I mean, if Zoey and I get married,
我就是艾娃的后爸了 I'll be Ava's stepdad.
你知道嗎 很久以前 You know, once upon a time,
一個可愛的小男孩在這里住了幾天 a cute little boy came to live in this house for a few days.
你可能還見過他 Maybe you've met him.
他現在成了吸大麻打飛機的沙發土豆 He's the pot-soaked masturbating couch potato
還吃光了你的曲奇 who eats all your cookies.
我的馬卡龍也是他吃光的嗎 Is he the one who finished off my macaroons?
你的馬卡龍還有我的大麻 Your macaroons and my pot.
在我看來 耍我一次 你可恥 My point being, fool me once, shame on you.
耍我兩次 我就要全保養老金和一輛卡梅羅 Fool me twice, I want a fully funded 401(k) and a Camaro.
拜托 就一周而已 Come on, Berta, it's just going to be for a week,
而且就我們三個人 and it's just the three of us.
真的嗎 廢柴終于懸梁自盡了嗎 Really? Did Zippy finally hang himself?
沒有 No.
他會去別的地方 He's going to stay somewhere else.
佐伊和我想試試同居的家庭生活 Zoey and I want to see what it's like to live like a family,
加個管家 with a housekeeper.
有養老金計劃和一輛肌肉車的管家 Who's got a retirement plan and a muscle car.
波塔 如果你這次不幫我 All right, look, Berta, if you don't want to help me with this,
我會再找一個 I will find another housekeeper
愿意在馬里布海濱別墅拿著豐厚薪水 who's willing to do very little work for a very large salary
卻只要做很少活的管家 in a Malibu beach house.
人長得挺帥的 心眼咋這么小 You're cute, but you got a mean streak.
好了 我們到了 All right, here we are.
你喜歡嗎 What do you think?
哇 大海耶 Oh, boy, the ocean!
在露臺上玩 Stay on the deck!
她太興奮了 昨晚一直沒睡 Oh, she's so excited, she didn't sleep at all last night.
我也挺興奮的 Yeah, I'm kind of excited, too.
-真的嗎 我挺擔心的 -為什么 - Really? I'm terrified. - Why?
因為如果這次嘗試不成功 Well, because if this little experiment doesn't work,
那我們就等于玩完了 不是嗎 it pretty much means we're done, doesn't it?
我現在也擔心了 Wow, now I'm terrified, too.
終于來了 Oh, hey, there she is,
城堡的新女王 the new queen of the castle,
女王陛下 uh, milady.
你好 艾倫 Hello, Alan.
真謝謝你 這周能讓我的男朋友 Thank you so much for letting my boyfriend
用回自己的房子 use his own house for the week.
諷得巧妙 Snidely put.
謝謝 你準備住哪 Thank you. So, where are you staying?
我本來想去貝萊爾酒店租一套房 Uh, well, I was thinking that I was going to rent a suite
不過我又想起來那得花錢 at the Bel Air Hotel, uh, but then I realized
而我又身無分文 that cost money and I have none.
所以我還是去琳賽家吧 So, um, I'm just going to stay with Lyndsey.
她可真是大方 How wonderful for her.
好了 我們一周后見 Al right, I will, uh, I will see you in a week.
-再見 -一周后再見 - See ya. - In a week.
-對 -說出來 - Yeah. - Say it.
我們一周后再見 I'll see ya in a week.
-你們玩得開心點 -好的 - Okay, you two have fun. - All right.
等等 你打算讓那個小姑娘 Oh, oh, wait. What room are you planning
-住誰的房間 -你的 - to put the little girl in? - Yours.
那我最好還是把一些東西拿出去 Oh, oh, well, then I better get a few things out of there.
大部分是雜志 Mostly magazines.
要不讓她住杰克房間吧 Maybe we should put her in Jake's room.
不行 那樣更糟 No, that's actually worse.
想再來一瓶啤酒嗎 You ready for another beer?
你太善解人意啦 Oh, aren't you a doll.
埃爾德里奇這周和他爸爸一起 You know...Eldridge is with his father this week.
杰克和他媽媽在一起 Whoo, and Jake's with his mother. Mmm.
我們可以為所欲為了 So, I guess we can do anything we want.
你想要什么啊 小壞蛋 Yeah, and what do you want, you dirty girl?
你知道什么會讓我開心嗎 Well, you know what would make me really happy?
無論什么我都做 Whatever it is, I'll do it.
客房廁所壞了 想要你修理下 The guest toilet is broken. I want you to fix it.
我們現在玩角色扮演嗎 Uh, are we role-playing?
我是個色色的水管工 Am I the naughty plumber
來"疏通"你的"管道"嗎 here to snake your drain?
不是的 No.
你是來幫我修廁所的可愛男朋友 You're the loving boyfriend here to fix my toilet.
不開玩笑嗎 Seriously?
絕對認真 Seriously.
-現在嗎 -就現在 -Now? -Now.
好吧 All right.
等你修好了 Hey, uh, when you're done with that,
能不能把露臺家具從車庫拿出來 would you take the patio furniture out of the garage
-然后抬到院子嗎 -沒問題 -and put it in the backyard? -Sure.
記得先洗一下 Make sure you wash it first.
解決 You got it.
輕松解決 Yep, I got it all right.
我少帶了點東西 要去下商店 I forgot a few things. I'm going to run to the store.
我去幫你買吧 Oh, you know, relax. I'll go for you.
我要買的東西 Actually, there's things I need to buy
是不想讓你看見的 that I'd rather you not know I need.
當我沒說 Say no more.
-艾娃穿上你的外套 -我不出去 我要玩 -Put your coat on, Ava. -I don't want to go-- I'm playing.
-聽話 -沒事的 -Ava, come on. -No, she's fine.
-我會看著她 -你確定嗎 -I'll watch her. -You sure?
沒問題 小事一樁 Yeah, of course. It's no big deal.
你愿意和沃頓在家玩嗎 Do you want to stay here with Walden?
好啊 Yes, please.
那就一小時后見 Okay. See you in about an hour.
-再見 -再見 -Bye. -Bye.
人世間最美好的就是自由啊 The sweet, sweet smell of freedom.
-嗨 -我好無聊啊 -Hi. -I'm bored.
你不是和你的娃娃一起玩呢 I thought you were playing with your dolls.
玩完了 I finished.
你想做什么 What do you want to do?
這個嘛... Well...
辛蒂露波的歌曲《青春女孩 都想嬉戲》
徹夜不歸 清晨返家 * * I come home in the morning light
老媽念叨 何時學乖 * * My mother says, "when you gonna live your life right?"
我的老媽 人生苦短* * Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones
青春女孩 都想嬉戲 * * And girls, they want to have fun
青春女孩 只想嬉戲 * * Oh, girls just want to have fun
午夜時分 電話響起 * * The phone rings in the middle of the night
老爹怒問 人生目標 * * My father yells, "what you gonna do with your life?"
我的老爹 我最愛你 * * Oh, daddy dear, you know you're still number one
青春女孩 都想嬉戲 * * But girls, they want to have fun
青春女孩 只想嬉戲 * * Oh, girls, just want to have fun
別無所求 只想嬉戲 * * That's all they really want
小小嬉戲 * * Some fun
忙碌過后 * * When the working day is done
就想嬉戲 * * Oh, girls, they want to have fun
只想嬉戲 * * Oh, girls just want to have...
真是我的乖女兒 There's my good girl.
你好 老媽 Hi, Mommy.
沃頓呢 Where's Walden?
就在這 Right there.
他說 到他午睡時間了 He said it's his nap time.
我發現是哪里的問題了 I think I found your problem!
保險絲燒壞了 You have got a blown out fuse!
你會修嗎 Can you fix it?
沒見你有多余的保險絲啊 I don't see any spare fuses but, uh,
-不過我知道一個小秘方 -是什么 -I do know a little tick. -What's that?
大多數人都不知道 Well, most people don't know this,
可以用普通的銅質硬幣 but you can use an ordinary copper penny
-代替保險絲 -沒開玩笑吧 -to replace a fuse. -No kidding?
電工可不會告訴你這個竅門啊 Yeah, electricians won't tell you
因為他們想收你的錢 'cause they want to charge you...
管用啦 電視又可以看了 It worked! The TV's back on!
最后他們結婚了 "They were married soon after,
永遠幸福的生活在一起 "and lived happily together for many, many years.
完 The end."
結局很意外是吧 Big surprise, huh?
感謝上帝 Thank God.
太黑了 It's too dark.
對不起啊 我開燈 Oh, sorry. Here you go.
又太亮了 That's too bright.
這樣吧 Okay. Uh... how about...
我把廁所燈打開 I turn the bathroom light on
-然后開著廁所門好嗎 -好的 -and leave the door open a crack? -All right.
現在如何 How's that?
好多了 Better.
那就這樣 All right.
晚安 Good night.
你檢查床底下了嗎 Did you look under the bed?
沒有啊 你看到什么奇怪的雜志嗎 No. Why, did you find some funny magazines?
你得檢查有沒有怪物 You have to check for monsters.
沒有 沒有怪物 Nope, no monsters.
好吧晚安 Okay. Good night.
衣柜里呢 What about the closet?
衣柜咋啦 What about it?
怪物啊 Monsters.
-我不想做惡夢啊 -懂了 -I don't want to have nightmares. -Right.
沒問題 It's all clear.
太棒了 Aah... great.
換我得做惡夢了 Now I'm gonna have nightmares.
現在可以晚安了 Okay, okay, good night.
我口渴了 I'm thirsty.
別開玩笑了 You're joking.
干嘛要開我口渴的玩笑啊 Why would I joke about thirsty?
口渴又沒笑點 Thirsty isn't funny.
我給你倒一杯水 I'll get you a glass of water.
我要起泡水 No, I want fizzy water.
你喝沛綠雅嗎 You want Perrier?
圣培露最好 Pellegrino would be fine.
沒問題 Okay.
我去看看有啥 I'll go see what we have.
故事是什么結局 How did the story end?
他們結婚了 Uh... they got married,
他們永遠幸福的生活在一起 and they lived happily together for many, many years.
直到他們有了孩子 Till they had kids.
你感覺咋樣 How are you feeling?
還好 All right.
手還是有點麻 My hand's still a little numb.
看看我能不能讓你感覺好點 Well, let's see if I can make it all better.
讓我的"感覺"大好特好吧 Make it all better.
小爺喜歡 Daddy like. Mmm...
你聽見什么聲音了嗎 Did you hear something?
只有我褲里雄起的聲音啊 Mm, nothing but the rustling in my jammies.
不是的 No!
樓下有人 There's someone downstairs.
-真的有啊 -來啊 快讓我"感覺好點" -No, there isn't. -Come on, make it all better.
艾倫 Alan!
有人進來屋子里了 你去看看 There's someone in the house. Go look.
一手廢了 小弟"初勃"都不放過我啊 Really? With a dead hand and the beginnings of an erection?
快去 Go.
現在初勃變不勃了 And thus ends the erection.
crisper:又意 帶來幻覺的東西
誰會把大麻放保鮮柜里 Who keeps their weed in the crisper?
咱不就圖一個欲仙欲死嘛 對吧 What, you want to get crispy, don't you?
早上好 Good morning.
天還黑著呢 It's still dark out.
早餐時間到啦 It's breakfast time.
你過的是倫敦時間吧 Maybe in London.
怎么了 What's going on?
你女兒想吃早餐 She wants breakfast.
好的 Okay.
我再瞇一會兒就起來 Just give me a minute.
沒事你接著睡 不如讓我來吧 No, you sleep; I'll get it.
謝謝 Thanks.
這么干脆 不跟我爭下嗎 That's it? No argument?
那好吧 All right.
想吃點什么啊你 What do you want?
玉米片還是燕麥片還是... Corn Flakes or Cheerios or...
火腿蛋松餅 Eggs Benedict.
你就愛麻煩的 Of course.
小心腳下 Watch your step.
是啊 再來一下可傷不起了 Yeah, wouldn't want to get hurt.
那些止痛藥起效果了嗎 Those pain pills starting to kick in yet?
當然 Oh, yeah.
你直接把我攤平夾面包里都行 You could spread me on a toast.
好的 Okay.
我把你弄上床休息吧 Let's get you into bed.
非也非也 No, no.
讓我把你"弄"上床吧 Let's get you into bed.
你不是吧 Seriously?
你這情況還"性致勃勃"呢 You want to fool around?
局部地區表示同意 Parts of me do.
大鼻哥說 不要 Mr. Nose says, "No,"
水管兄說 我要 but Mr. Hose says: "Yes""
不如這樣 Tell you what,
你在床上好好躺著 讓我來"照顧"你 why don't you just lie down and let me take care of you.
是嗎 Really?
我覺得有人闖進家門時 You took care of me when I thought
是你站出來 照顧了我 there was someone in the house.
是啊 是啊 我就是那么做的 Oh, right, right, I did.
哥勇猛果敢呢 I was brave.
先讓我把這些皮帶和拉鏈一一解開 Let's just get this belt and zipper undone.
幸好你的鼻子還能呼吸 嘴巴能干別的"活" Good thing you could breathe through your nose.
-怎么了 -拉鏈夾蛋了 - What?! - Ball snag!
-抱歉 -別 別 別碰它 - Oh, sorry! - No, no, don't touch it!
別... Don't...!
水管兄也陣亡了 I think I broke Mr.Hose.
咋了 What?
這里他媽的發生什么事情了 What in the hell happened here?
我試著給那小姑娘做早餐來著 I tried to make breakfast for the kid.
"試著" "Tried"?
我煎的蛋 沒弄熟 Yeah. The eggs were too runny,
我泡的燕麥片 太干澀 so I made oatmeal that was too dry,
我做的華夫餅 用她的話說就是 so I made waffles that were-- and I quote--
"招糕透頂" "Bloody dreadful."
小姑娘人哪去了 Where is she now?
我不清楚 也不在乎 I don't know; I don't care.
我真的做不來 波塔 I can't do this, Berta.
真的是... 真的是太累人了 It's just... it's too much.
她一刻也停不下來 She just never stops.
可不是嘛 我家可是四千金 Yeah, I raised four daughters.
能讓她們不亂跑的 只有大牢和大屌了 The only thing that slows them down is jail and johnsons.
我可是信誓旦旦告訴佐伊要組建家庭的 I told Zoey we were gonna be a family.
現在讓我怎么辦 What am I gonna do?
-小姑娘七歲嗎 -是啊 - The kid's seven? - Yeah.
再等上個九年 Wait nine years.
九年后會怎么樣呢 What happens in nine years?
夠幸運的話 If you're lucky,
她會和一個吸毒的貝斯手跑了 she runs away with a coke-addled bass player.
要是不夠走運會怎么樣 And if I'm not lucky?
攤上鼓手 A drummer.
你起來啦 Oh, you're up.
感覺如何 How are you feeling?
好一點了 A little better.
那就好 I'm glad.
還是不敢想從蛋蛋上把創口貼 Not looking forward to ripping the Band-Aid
撕下來的那一刻 不過 off my scrotum, but...
走一步算一步吧 we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
我真的是 太抱歉了 I'm so, so sorry.
等等... Yeah, just...
僅供參考 你要實在想再試一下 FYI, if you'd like to try again,
我已經換上運動褲了 I'm wearing sweatpants.
沒有拉鏈 No zipper.
真不敢相信 你還饑渴著呢 I cannot believe you're still horny.
我也不敢相信 但小弟不撒謊 Me neither, but there it is.
也是 這是我欠你的 Well, I do owe you one.
哦 天哪 Oh, boy.
天哪 天哪 天哪 Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
這是什么味道 Do you smell that?
別擔心 Oh, don't worry.
是抗生素軟膏的怪味兒 That's just the Neosporin.
不是 No.
就... 就像什么東西死了一樣 It-it smells like something dead.
那不可能是水管兄 It's not Mr. Hose.
他可還生龍活虎著呢 He's very much alive.
要不信 自己看 Go ahead. Check.
我覺得是房子下面散上來的 I think it's coming from under the house.
不好意思 我實在什么都聞不到 I'm sorry, I-I really can't smell anything
因為我這受傷的鼻子 'cause of my broken nose...
更因為你所虧欠我的 'cause of what you owe me.
可...可能只是一個浣熊或者負鼠吧 It-it's probably just a raccoon or a possum.
稍等片刻 Hang on one sec.
我喊個滅害蟲的人來 Let me call the exterminator.
不用不用 那樣有的等了 Oh, no, no, no, that's going to take too long.
待我... 待我拿個鐵鏟加個垃圾袋 I'll ju... I'll just get a shovel and a garbage bag
去去就來 and deal with it.
你當真饑渴成那樣 You're that horny?
不用你說 我自己也覺得不大正常了 I know, it's starting to worry me, too.
下面還好吧 You okay down there?
沒事沒事 我應該是看到了 Yeah. Yeah, I think I see it.
看起來是死負鼠 Looks like a-a dead possum.
小心點 Be careful.
不用擔心沒事 Oh, don't worry about it.
我只要將他的尸體掃進... I-I'm just going to shovel him into my...
還沒死 還沒死 Not dead! Not dead!
大哥饒命 大哥饒命 I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
我不是故意... I didn't mean...
沒必要吧 Come on!
這下肯定要被感染了 Oh, that's going to get infected.
謝謝 Thank you.
謝謝你能來見我 Oh, hey. Thanks for meeting me, man.
你這是怎么了 What happened to you?
讓我們來回顧一下 Well, let's see, uh...
先是觸電 然后被正中面門 Electrocuted, got my nose bashed in,
可能還得了狂犬病 and possibly rabies.
你怎么樣呢 How are you?
我真的快累死了 I am really tired.
我心為你淌血 My heart bleeds for you.
左蛋蛋也淌著血 Also my left ball sack.
這是什么味兒 What's that smell?
抗生素軟膏 混雜著一絲負鼠的氣味 Oh, Neosporin, which just a hint of possum.
你們三人住在一起感覺如何 So, uh, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter?
挺好的 挺好的 It's good, it's good.
-你和琳賽過得呢 -好極了 - How's living with Lyndsey? - Oh, it's terrific.
那就好 That's great.
如果我能擺脫她倆... If I could get rid of them...
我愿意 大大地愿意 Yes! A hundred times yes!