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翻译：毛毛 Tina 风流倜傥萨拉丁
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时间轴：YY 校对：Holyzch Rose赛 后期：孤帆 总监：YY
好汉两个半 第九季第二十一集
《好汉两个半》前情回顾 Previously, on Two And A Half Men
你何不搬过来跟我一起住 Why don't you move in with me?
什么 What?
你和艾娃都搬来跟我住 Yeah, you and Ava move in with me.
我爱你 我要你跟我一起生活 I love you, and I want you in my life.
我希望能跟你共筑未来 I want to have a future with you.
如果艾娃和我搬过去 If Ava and I move in,
某人是不是得搬走 isn't somebody going to have to move out?
时至今日
爽啊 太爽了 就是那里 Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the ticket.
太爽了 排毒养颜啊 Yes. Out with the bad.
早啊 Morning.
早 Morning.
你醒了就好 Hey, I'm glad you're up.
我想 I wanted...
不好意思 Sorry.
这样锻炼真的有用吗 Is that really a good workout?
有啊 有助于血液循环 Oh, yeah, yeah. It's great for the circulation,
伸展脊柱 stretches the spine.
你的蛋蛋跑出来了 Your ball is hanging out.
不好意思 Oopsie-daisy.
回仓了 Back in the barn.
好吧 那个 Wha... All right, listen, uh,
这周是春假 it's spring break this week,
佐伊和她女儿要来这边住 so Zoey and her daughter are going to stay here.
那好啊 Oh, that's nice.
其实这也算是一次试运行 Yeah, it's kind of like a... trial run.
我们想在做长期打算之前 You know, see what it's like to live together
先同居一段时间看看 before we decide to do anything permanent.
好主意 Oh, that's a good idea.
同居是不容易啊 Living together is tricky.
蛋蛋 Ball.
对不起 Sorry.
当然 我们全都住在这里 Of course it's going to be a little tight
会稍微挤一点 with all of us living here.
对 Yeah.
这正是我想跟你说的 That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
别担心 我会叫杰克去他妈那里 Oh, don't worry. I'll tell Jake to go to his mom's.
好 好 Good, good.
我会避嫌 你们不会注意到我的存在 And I'll make myself scarce. You won't even know I'm here.
哎呀 不小心"漏气"了 Oop. Stepped on a duck.
其实 我想让你这个星期 All right, actually, I'm going to need you to, uh,
先搬出去住 move out for the week.
等等 整个星期吗 What, wait, the whole week?
对 你和佐伊不太合得来 Yeah, you and Zoey don't really gel,
所以 我觉得这样比较好 so, I just thought it'd be for the best.
没关系 不过 Oh, oh, th's fine. Uh, but, uh, you know,
说明一下 我跟大部分人都合得来 just for the record, I gel with pretty much everybody.
你可以去问问 我可和蔼可亲了 I mean, ask around, I'm positively gelatinous.
我知道 是她的问题 I know, it's her.
那么 我一周后能回来吧 So, the plan is, I come back after a week?
你也可以把这当成你自力更生的试运行 Uh, you might want to think of this as a trial run of your own.
以免佐伊和我决定 I mean, in case Zoey and I do decide to
以后一起生活 live together permanently.
当然 我明白 Sure, sure, I get it.
我再补充一句 Uh, and, uh, let me just add that
没有人比我更支持你的个人幸福 no one is rooting for your personal happiness more than I am.
你能这么说 我很高兴 That's good to hear.
-谢谢伙计 -别这么说 - Thanks, man. - Oh, no, no, no.
应该我谢谢你 Thank you, buddy.
没必要慌 No reason to panic.
找个暂时落脚的新家就行了 Just got to find a temporary new home...
还有三颗新蛋蛋[球] ...and three new balls.
-你在干什么 -我休息一下 - What are you doing? - I'm taking a break.
-你不是刚到吗 -是啊 - Didn't you just get here? - Yeah.
算了 Anyway,
我想先给你提个醒 I just wanted to give you a heads up
这周佐伊要过来这边住 that Zoey's going to stay here for the week.
-收到 -她会带女儿过来 - Uh-huh. - And she's bringing her daughter.
-多大 -七岁 - How old? - Seven.
我们一周后见 See ya in a week.
别这样 波塔 Oh, come on, Berta.
你肯定会喜欢她的 她可爱极了 You'll love her. She's adorable.
她妈肯定喜欢她 Maybe to her mother,
还有拼命想扒她妈裤子的某人 and someone who's trying to get into her mother's pants.
好吧 这不会给你加什么活的 All right, look, it's not going to be any extra work for you.
任何佐伊照顾不了的 都由我来处理 What ever Zoey doesn't take care of, I'll handle.
真的假的 Really?
你去照顾一个七岁的小姑娘 You're going to take care of a seven-year-old?
对 我们处得挺好的 Yeah. We get along great.
况且 我总要学会带小孩 And besides, I got to learn sometime.
如果我和佐伊结婚了 I mean, if Zoey and I get married,
我就是艾娃的后爸了 I'll be Ava's stepdad.
你知道吗 很久以前 You know, once upon a time,
一个可爱的小男孩在这里住了几天 a cute little boy came to live in this house for a few days.
你可能还见过他 Maybe you've met him.
他现在成了吸大麻打飞机的沙发土豆 He's the pot-soaked masturbating couch potato
还吃光了你的曲奇 who eats all your cookies.
我的马卡龙也是他吃光的吗 Is he the one who finished off my macaroons?
你的马卡龙还有我的大麻 Your macaroons and my pot.
在我看来 耍我一次 你可耻 My point being, fool me once, shame on you.
耍我两次 我就要全保养老金和一辆卡梅罗 Fool me twice, I want a fully funded 401(k) and a Camaro.
拜托 就一周而已 Come on, Berta, it's just going to be for a week,
而且就我们三个人 and it's just the three of us.
真的吗 废柴终于悬梁自尽了吗 Really? Did Zippy finally hang himself?
没有 No.
他会去别的地方 He's going to stay somewhere else.
佐伊和我想试试同居的家庭生活 Zoey and I want to see what it's like to live like a family,
加个管家 with a housekeeper.
有养老金计划和一辆肌肉车的管家 Who's got a retirement plan and a muscle car.
波塔 如果你这次不帮我 All right, look, Berta, if you don't want to help me with this,
我会再找一个 I will find another housekeeper
愿意在马里布海滨别墅拿着丰厚薪水 who's willing to do very little work for a very large salary
却只要做很少活的管家 in a Malibu beach house.
人长得挺帅的 心眼咋这么小 You're cute, but you got a mean streak.
好了 我们到了 All right, here we are.
你喜欢吗 What do you think?
哇 大海耶 Oh, boy, the ocean!
在露台上玩 Stay on the deck!
她太兴奋了 昨晚一直没睡 Oh, she's so excited, she didn't sleep at all last night.
我也挺兴奋的 Yeah, I'm kind of excited, too.
-真的吗 我挺担心的 -为什么 - Really? I'm terrified. - Why?
因为如果这次尝试不成功 Well, because if this little experiment doesn't work,
那我们就等于玩完了 不是吗 it pretty much means we're done, doesn't it?
我现在也担心了 Wow, now I'm terrified, too.
终于来了 Oh, hey, there she is,
城堡的新女王 the new queen of the castle,
女王陛下 uh, milady.
你好 艾伦 Hello, Alan.
真谢谢你 这周能让我的男朋友 Thank you so much for letting my boyfriend
用回自己的房子 use his own house for the week.
讽得巧妙 Snidely put.
谢谢 你准备住哪 Thank you. So, where are you staying?
我本来想去贝莱尔酒店租一套房 Uh, well, I was thinking that I was going to rent a suite
不过我又想起来那得花钱 at the Bel Air Hotel, uh, but then I realized
而我又身无分文 that cost money and I have none.
所以我还是去琳赛家吧 So, um, I'm just going to stay with Lyndsey.
她可真是大方 How wonderful for her.
好了 我们一周后见 Al right, I will, uh, I will see you in a week.
-再见 -一周后再见 - See ya. - In a week.
-对 -说出来 - Yeah. - Say it.
我们一周后再见 I'll see ya in a week.
-你们玩得开心点 -好的 - Okay, you two have fun. - All right.
等等 你打算让那个小姑娘 Oh, oh, wait. What room are you planning
-住谁的房间 -你的 - to put the little girl in? - Yours.
那我最好还是把一些东西拿出去 Oh, oh, well, then I better get a few things out of there.
大部分是杂志 Mostly magazines.
要不让她住杰克房间吧 Maybe we should put her in Jake's room.
不行 那样更糟 No, that's actually worse.
想再来一瓶啤酒吗 You ready for another beer?
你太善解人意啦 Oh, aren't you a doll.
埃尔德里奇这周和他爸爸一起 You know...Eldridge is with his father this week.
杰克和他妈妈在一起 Whoo, and Jake's with his mother. Mmm.
我们可以为所欲为了 So, I guess we can do anything we want.
你想要什么啊 小坏蛋 Yeah, and what do you want, you dirty girl?
你知道什么会让我开心吗 Well, you know what would make me really happy?
无论什么我都做 Whatever it is, I'll do it.
客房厕所坏了 想要你修理下 The guest toilet is broken. I want you to fix it.
我们现在玩角色扮演吗 Uh, are we role-playing?
我是个色色的水管工 Am I the naughty plumber
来"疏通"你的"管道"吗 here to snake your drain?
不是的 No.
你是来帮我修厕所的可爱男朋友 You're the loving boyfriend here to fix my toilet.
不开玩笑吗 Seriously?
绝对认真 Seriously.
-现在吗 -就现在 -Now? -Now.
好吧 All right.
等你修好了 Hey, uh, when you're done with that,
能不能把露台家具从车库拿出来 would you take the patio furniture out of the garage
-然后抬到院子吗 -没问题 -and put it in the backyard? -Sure.
记得先洗一下 Make sure you wash it first.
解决 You got it.
轻松解决 Yep, I got it all right.
我少带了点东西 要去下商店 I forgot a few things. I'm going to run to the store.
我去帮你买吧 Oh, you know, relax. I'll go for you.
我要买的东西 Actually, there's things I need to buy
是不想让你看见的 that I'd rather you not know I need.
当我没说 Say no more.
-艾娃穿上你的外套 -我不出去 我要玩 -Put your coat on, Ava. -I don't want to go-- I'm playing.
-听话 -没事的 -Ava, come on. -No, she's fine.
-我会看着她 -你确定吗 -I'll watch her. -You sure?
没问题 小事一桩 Yeah, of course. It's no big deal.
你愿意和沃顿在家玩吗 Do you want to stay here with Walden?
好啊 Yes, please.
那就一小时后见 Okay. See you in about an hour.
-再见 -再见 -Bye. -Bye.
人世间最美好的就是自由啊 The sweet, sweet smell of freedom.
-嗨 -我好无聊啊 -Hi. -I'm bored.
你不是和你的娃娃一起玩呢 I thought you were playing with your dolls.
玩完了 I finished.
你想做什么 What do you want to do?
这个嘛... Well...
辛蒂露波的歌曲《青春女孩 都想嬉戏》
彻夜不归 清晨返家 * * I come home in the morning light
老妈念叨 何时学乖 * * My mother says, "when you gonna live your life right?"
我的老妈 人生苦短* * Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones
青春女孩 都想嬉戏 * * And girls, they want to have fun
青春女孩 只想嬉戏 * * Oh, girls just want to have fun
午夜时分 电话响起 * * The phone rings in the middle of the night
老爹怒问 人生目标 * * My father yells, "what you gonna do with your life?"
我的老爹 我最爱你 * * Oh, daddy dear, you know you're still number one
青春女孩 都想嬉戏 * * But girls, they want to have fun
青春女孩 只想嬉戏 * * Oh, girls, just want to have fun
别无所求 只想嬉戏 * * That's all they really want
小小嬉戏 * * Some fun
忙碌过后 * * When the working day is done
就想嬉戏 * * Oh, girls, they want to have fun
只想嬉戏 * * Oh, girls just want to have...
真是我的乖女儿 There's my good girl.
你好 老妈 Hi, Mommy.
沃顿呢 Where's Walden?
就在这 Right there.
他说 到他午睡时间了 He said it's his nap time.
我发现是哪里的问题了 I think I found your problem!
保险丝烧坏了 You have got a blown out fuse!
你会修吗 Can you fix it?
没见你有多余的保险丝啊 I don't see any spare fuses but, uh,
-不过我知道一个小秘方 -是什么 -I do know a little tick. -What's that?
大多数人都不知道 Well, most people don't know this,
可以用普通的铜质硬币 but you can use an ordinary copper penny
-代替保险丝 -没开玩笑吧 -to replace a fuse. -No kidding?
电工可不会告诉你这个窍门啊 Yeah, electricians won't tell you
因为他们想收你的钱 'cause they want to charge you...
管用啦 电视又可以看了 It worked! The TV's back on!
最后他们结婚了 "They were married soon after,
永远幸福的生活在一起 "and lived happily together for many, many years.
完 The end."
结局很意外是吧 Big surprise, huh?
感谢上帝 Thank God.
太黑了 It's too dark.
对不起啊 我开灯 Oh, sorry. Here you go.
又太亮了 That's too bright.
这样吧 Okay. Uh... how about...
我把厕所灯打开 I turn the bathroom light on
-然后开着厕所门好吗 -好的 -and leave the door open a crack? -All right.
现在如何 How's that?
好多了 Better.
那就这样 All right.
晚安 Good night.
你检查床底下了吗 Did you look under the bed?
没有啊 你看到什么奇怪的杂志吗 No. Why, did you find some funny magazines?
你得检查有没有怪物 You have to check for monsters.
没有 没有怪物 Nope, no monsters.
好吧晚安 Okay. Good night.
衣柜里呢 What about the closet?
衣柜咋啦 What about it?
怪物啊 Monsters.
-我不想做恶梦啊 -懂了 -I don't want to have nightmares. -Right.
没问题 It's all clear.
太棒了 Aah... great.
换我得做恶梦了 Now I'm gonna have nightmares.
现在可以晚安了 Okay, okay, good night.
我口渴了 I'm thirsty.
别开玩笑了 You're joking.
干嘛要开我口渴的玩笑啊 Why would I joke about thirsty?
口渴又没笑点 Thirsty isn't funny.
我给你倒一杯水 I'll get you a glass of water.
我要起泡水 No, I want fizzy water.
你喝沛绿雅吗 You want Perrier?
圣培露最好 Pellegrino would be fine.
没问题 Okay.
我去看看有啥 I'll go see what we have.
故事是什么结局 How did the story end?
他们结婚了 Uh... they got married,
他们永远幸福的生活在一起 and they lived happily together for many, many years.
直到他们有了孩子 Till they had kids.
你感觉咋样 How are you feeling?
还好 All right.
手还是有点麻 My hand's still a little numb.
看看我能不能让你感觉好点 Well, let's see if I can make it all better.
让我的"感觉"大好特好吧 Make it all better.
小爷喜欢 Daddy like. Mmm...
你听见什么声音了吗 Did you hear something?
只有我裤里雄起的声音啊 Mm, nothing but the rustling in my jammies.
不是的 No!
楼下有人 There's someone downstairs.
-真的有啊 -来啊 快让我"感觉好点" -No, there isn't. -Come on, make it all better.
艾伦 Alan!
有人进来屋子里了 你去看看 There's someone in the house. Go look.
一手废了 小弟"初勃"都不放过我啊 Really? With a dead hand and the beginnings of an erection?
快去 Go.
现在初勃变不勃了 And thus ends the erection.
crisper:又意 带来幻觉的东西
谁会把大麻放保鲜柜里 Who keeps their weed in the crisper?
咱不就图一个欲仙欲死嘛 对吧 What, you want to get crispy, don't you?
早上好 Good morning.
天还黑着呢 It's still dark out.
早餐时间到啦 It's breakfast time.
你过的是伦敦时间吧 Maybe in London.
怎么了 What's going on?
你女儿想吃早餐 She wants breakfast.
好的 Okay.
我再眯一会儿就起来 Just give me a minute.
没事你接着睡 不如让我来吧 No, you sleep; I'll get it.
谢谢 Thanks.
这么干脆 不跟我争下吗 That's it? No argument?
那好吧 All right.
想吃点什么啊你 What do you want?
玉米片还是燕麦片还是... Corn Flakes or Cheerios or...
火腿蛋松饼 Eggs Benedict.
你就爱麻烦的 Of course.
小心脚下 Watch your step.
是啊 再来一下可伤不起了 Yeah, wouldn't want to get hurt.
那些止痛药起效果了吗 Those pain pills starting to kick in yet?
当然 Oh, yeah.
你直接把我摊平夹面包里都行 You could spread me on a toast.
好的 Okay.
我把你弄上床休息吧 Let's get you into bed.
非也非也 No, no.
让我把你"弄"上床吧 Let's get you into bed.
你不是吧 Seriously?
你这情况还"性致勃勃"呢 You want to fool around?
局部地区表示同意 Parts of me do.
大鼻哥说 不要 Mr. Nose says, "No,"
水管兄说 我要 but Mr. Hose says: "Yes""
不如这样 Tell you what,
你在床上好好躺着 让我来"照顾"你 why don't you just lie down and let me take care of you.
是吗 Really?
我觉得有人闯进家门时 You took care of me when I thought
是你站出来 照顾了我 there was someone in the house.
是啊 是啊 我就是那么做的 Oh, right, right, I did.
哥勇猛果敢呢 I was brave.
先让我把这些皮带和拉链一一解开 Let's just get this belt and zipper undone.
幸好你的鼻子还能呼吸 嘴巴能干别的"活" Good thing you could breathe through your nose.
-怎么了 -拉链夹蛋了 - What?! - Ball snag!
-抱歉 -别 别 别碰它 - Oh, sorry! - No, no, don't touch it!
别... Don't...!
水管兄也阵亡了 I think I broke Mr.Hose.
咋了 What?
这里他妈的发生什么事情了 What in the hell happened here?
我试着给那小姑娘做早餐来着 I tried to make breakfast for the kid.
"试着" "Tried"?
我煎的蛋 没弄熟 Yeah. The eggs were too runny,
我泡的燕麦片 太干涩 so I made oatmeal that was too dry,
我做的华夫饼 用她的话说就是 so I made waffles that were-- and I quote--
"招糕透顶" "Bloody dreadful."
小姑娘人哪去了 Where is she now?
我不清楚 也不在乎 I don't know; I don't care.
我真的做不来 波塔 I can't do this, Berta.
真的是... 真的是太累人了 It's just... it's too much.
她一刻也停不下来 She just never stops.
可不是嘛 我家可是四千金 Yeah, I raised four daughters.
能让她们不乱跑的 只有大牢和大屌了 The only thing that slows them down is jail and johnsons.
我可是信誓旦旦告诉佐伊要组建家庭的 I told Zoey we were gonna be a family.
现在让我怎么办 What am I gonna do?
-小姑娘七岁吗 -是啊 - The kid's seven? - Yeah.
再等上个九年 Wait nine years.
九年后会怎么样呢 What happens in nine years?
够幸运的话 If you're lucky,
她会和一个吸毒的贝斯手跑了 she runs away with a coke-addled bass player.
要是不够走运会怎么样 And if I'm not lucky?
摊上鼓手 A drummer.
你起来啦 Oh, you're up.
感觉如何 How are you feeling?
好一点了 A little better.
那就好 I'm glad.
还是不敢想从蛋蛋上把创口贴 Not looking forward to ripping the Band-Aid
撕下来的那一刻 不过 off my scrotum, but...
走一步算一步吧 we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
我真的是 太抱歉了 I'm so, so sorry.
等等... Yeah, just...
仅供参考 你要实在想再试一下 FYI, if you'd like to try again,
我已经换上运动裤了 I'm wearing sweatpants.
没有拉链 No zipper.
真不敢相信 你还饥渴着呢 I cannot believe you're still horny.
我也不敢相信 但小弟不撒谎 Me neither, but there it is.
也是 这是我欠你的 Well, I do owe you one.
哦 天哪 Oh, boy.
天哪 天哪 天哪 Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
这是什么味道 Do you smell that?
别担心 Oh, don't worry.
是抗生素软膏的怪味儿 That's just the Neosporin.
不是 No.
就... 就像什么东西死了一样 It-it smells like something dead.
那不可能是水管兄 It's not Mr. Hose.
他可还生龙活虎着呢 He's very much alive.
要不信 自己看 Go ahead. Check.
我觉得是房子下面散上来的 I think it's coming from under the house.
不好意思 我实在什么都闻不到 I'm sorry, I-I really can't smell anything
因为我这受伤的鼻子 'cause of my broken nose...
更因为你所亏欠我的 'cause of what you owe me.
可...可能只是一个浣熊或者负鼠吧 It-it's probably just a raccoon or a possum.
稍等片刻 Hang on one sec.
我喊个灭害虫的人来 Let me call the exterminator.
不用不用 那样有的等了 Oh, no, no, no, that's going to take too long.
待我... 待我拿个铁铲加个垃圾袋 I'll ju... I'll just get a shovel and a garbage bag
去去就来 and deal with it.
你当真饥渴成那样 You're that horny?
不用你说 我自己也觉得不大正常了 I know, it's starting to worry me, too.
下面还好吧 You okay down there?
没事没事 我应该是看到了 Yeah. Yeah, I think I see it.
看起来是死负鼠 Looks like a-a dead possum.
小心点 Be careful.
不用担心没事 Oh, don't worry about it.
我只要将他的尸体扫进... I-I'm just going to shovel him into my...
还没死 还没死 Not dead! Not dead!
大哥饶命 大哥饶命 I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
我不是故意... I didn't mean...
没必要吧 Come on!
这下肯定要被感染了 Oh, that's going to get infected.
谢谢 Thank you.
谢谢你能来见我 Oh, hey. Thanks for meeting me, man.
你这是怎么了 What happened to you?
让我们来回顾一下 Well, let's see, uh...
先是触电 然后被正中面门 Electrocuted, got my nose bashed in,
可能还得了狂犬病 and possibly rabies.
你怎么样呢 How are you?
我真的快累死了 I am really tired.
我心为你淌血 My heart bleeds for you.
左蛋蛋也淌着血 Also my left ball sack.
这是什么味儿 What's that smell?
抗生素软膏 混杂着一丝负鼠的气味 Oh, Neosporin, which just a hint of possum.
你们三人住在一起感觉如何 So, uh, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter?
挺好的 挺好的 It's good, it's good.
-你和琳赛过得呢 -好极了 - How's living with Lyndsey? - Oh, it's terrific.
那就好 That's great.
如果我能摆脱她俩... If I could get rid of them...
我愿意 大大地愿意 Yes! A hundred times yes!