And on that point, members of the jury...
I rest my case.
Hello, Wanda.
- Hi, Ken. - Hello, Wanda.
Ken, this is Otto.
Hello, Ken. Wanda's told me a lot about you.
Hey, great fish!
A little squeeze of lemon, some tartar sauce, perfect.
George back yet?
No, he had to go to--
What?
That's quite a stutter you've got there, Ken.
It doesn't bother me.
So George needs a weapons man, eh?
A cup of tea, Ken?
Yeah, he'd like one.
I had a good friend in the C.I.A. had a stutter.
It cost him his life, damn it.
Hi, George.
Hello, George. Get you a scotch?
Yeah.
This is Otto.
- You're Wanda's brother. - It's good to be here, George.
England is a fine country.
She tell you what we need?
Something like that?
Something like that.
Hello, Wendy.
Had a good day?
I spent the morning trying to get the waste disposal man to come...
have lunch with Majorie Brooks who complained about her husband...
then I had to play three rubbers with Philippa Hunter...
and I come back here and Sanderson's have sent the wrong flowers.
Oh, no.
- Would you like some tea? - Yes.
I won the case.
This is the first moment I've had to myself all day.
Hello, Portia. How was the show?
Awful, Daddy. I need a new horse.
- I thought you liked Phantom. - He's not fit for dog meat.
Can I change him please, Dad? It's vital and won't cost much.
- We ought to ask Belinda. - I thought you were making tea.
- I am, darling. Sorry. - Suppose I'd better get it.
- Let me do it, please. - No, I'll do it.
- I won the case. - Now this is cracked.
They're worth about 1 00,000 each. There are 1 35 of them.
That makes 1 3 million, my friends.
- Dollars or pounds? - Pounds, pet.
This is the big one.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Otto? - Yes?
Okay?
- What? - The plan.
Yeah, great. No problem.
What was the middle thing about the police?
We don't meet up at Heathrow until Tuesday--
- Oh, yeah. - I haven't finished yet.
Because the police will watch all the airports...
for 72 hours.
I know.
You want me to...
get a big...
car for the getaway?
Yes, Ken. A limo, okay?
And put diplomatic plates on it, right?
What if he has to say something during the break-in?
Nobody says anything during the break-in, Otto.
It's okay, Otto. Ken's good.
So, next week...
we won't have to look for work...
and it won't have to look for us.
Oscar Wilde.
You really like animals, don't you, Ken?
What's the attraction?
Because you can trust them...
and they don't sh--
- Shit on you? - Show off all the time.
You know what Nietzsche said about them?
He said they were God's second blunder.
Bye, sis.
Well, you tell him from me...
that I could show you--
Bye, George.
If you talk to Mom, tell her I said hi.
- Don't let him touch you. - One more day, we're together.
I'm sorry about my brother. I know he's insensitive.
He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
Good.
Anybody moves, and you're dead!
Look where you're going, chauvinist pig.
Really, people here just think they own the pavement.
That was fun. I love robbing the English.
They're so polite.
- What is it, Ken? - The dog.
We didn't hit the dog.
Twenty million dollars, he's worried about an insect.
- It's not an in-- - Stutter's not getting any better.
- Have you thought about surgery? - Shut up.
Bye.
- Let's split. - Meet you at Heathrow on Tuesday.
Lie low. No celebrating.
No celebrating?
- See you in a couple of hours. - Okay. Bye.
- To 20 million. - To a job well done.
To us.
To the best brother and sister team since--
Romeo and Juliet? Yeah.
Do you believe those Cockney klutzes bought our story? What morons!
- I want you to know something. - What?
Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you.
Make the call.
No Italian!
Make the call, Otto.
Are you really Italian?
My name is Otto. It means ''eight.'' Say ''Arrivederci a Georgio. ''
- Good-bye, George. - Can you put me through to the police?
Yes, hello. Sorry to trouble you.
I thought it might interest you to know the Hatton Garden robbery...
was pulled off by a Mr. George Thomason...
who lives at Flat Three...
Kipling Mansions, Murray Road...
London West Nine.
Police. Open up.
Come on. Open up.
Open the door, or we'll knock it down.
George Francis Thomason.
Passport? Tickets?
Money.
Asshole!
- We're rich, Wanda. - Yup.
Bet these last weeks with me were the most exciting weeks of your life.
You said it.
Okay.
Disappointed!
Son of a bitch!
What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you?
Shut up.
- People always take advantage of me. - Shut up and think.
Where has he moved it?
- What are you doing? - I'm thinking.
I'm thinking of what I'm going to do to him.
First I'll hang him up with piano wire. Where are you going?
I'm going to talk to him.
Talk to who?
In the course of installing these windows for your parents...
you knelt on the floor where there was broken glass from a dropped pane.
That's right.
Your mother and father can confirm this?
Yes, and his aunt, Georgina Thomason.
Good, Bartlett. Yes?
Sorry to interrupt you, sir. Thomason, young lady to see you.
- Anything else? - That's everything for the moment.
- You don't have to dash off? - No, absolutely not.
George, Ken's got the fish food.
- He'll be in later. - Thanks.
- What do you think, Mr. Leach? - We may be all right with the glass.
What else are they gonna come up with?
Oh, my God. I can't believe this is happening.
That's not allowed in here, miss.
- Are you okay? - I'm all right.
George, I don't think I can handle this.
I was so afraid to sleep last night. I thought the police were coming.
Leave it out, okay?
Listen, listen.
You stayed at my place.
We slept late. You made me breakfast.
What?
What's he doing here?
He wanted to see you.
Who did it, George? Kevin Delaney?
You want me to rub him out? Anything. You name it.
- I have friends making inquiries. - Good.
The jewels are very safe.
If I get sent down, it all gets handed back to cut my sentence.
Now, to cut my sentence even more...
I could tell them who done it with me...
if I wasn't very happy about everything.
What was the middle thing?
Piss off.
- Do you want me to-- - Now.
- You don't think-- - Do you?
- George? - What?
Are you sure the garage is very safe?
Trust me.
Thank you very much.
Thanks a lot. Bye. Have a good day.
- So? - He's not sure it was you.
- That's something, I guess. - What about you?
He believes me. That's why he can't figure out about you.
- Figure out what? - If you turned him in or not, stupid.
Don't...
ever, ever...
call me stupid, okay?
What?
That's George's lawyer.
The other guy must be the barrister.
- So? - Trust me.
You let me know if anything unexpected turns up.
Excuse me.
Don't I recognize you?
No, I don't think so.
But you are a famous barrister, aren't you?
Well, hardly.
Could I have your autograph anyway?
- Yes, certainly. - Thanks.
I'm studying aspects of your legal system.
- I'm American. - Oh, really?
I've only just started, though. It's fascinating.
What brings you here?
It's a little embarrassing.
I have a friend.
Oh, I see. Well, there you are.
I knew it! You're Archie Leash!
- Leach. - Right.
I saw you in court two weeks ago.
- The casino break-in? - You were great!
- Well. - I'm a big fan of yours.
I love the way you cross-examine.
I really admire your work.
Thank you.
- I'd better not keep you. - I don't suppose you-- Fine. Right.
Well.
Thank you for this. I'll treasure it.
You speak French too.
What's going on?
Whatever George decides to do, he's going to tell Leach first.
- Why? - 'Cause he's his lawyer.
- Yeah, I know that. - So I'm gonna get to know Mr. Leach.
'Cause George is gonna tell him where the diamonds are.
That's what I'm gonna find out.
You've done well, my son.
Now, where are we going to hide it?
Very good. Don't tell Wanda anything.
Otto might get something out of her.
George, you are gonna get off?
Sure, don't worry about it, Ken. We'll fix it.
Now, anything on Otto?
- Not yet. - You watch him.
It's okay.
Looks like the police have been all over it.
Let me just change clothes, then I'll help you look.
Hello, Ken's pets.
Wake up, limey fish!
So, how are you gonna get friendly with this lawyer?
I don't know. I'll improvise.
Fucking insects!
I thought Englishmen didn't like women, the way they talk.
He's straight. He's kind of cute, in a pompous sort of way.
You got the hots for him?
I'm not into necrophilia. Thanks.
What is this? Hump-a-limey week, suddenly?
Otto doesn't approve. Otto might get jealous.
Oh, speak it!
Yeah.
No, not here, Otto.
Not here, Otto.
No, not here,
Otto. No,
Look what I've got, Wanda.
A treasure.
Oh, my God, Ken, it's you. I thought it was the police again.
Isn't it horrible about George? Oh, Ken!
I have such a bad headache. Could you run and get me some aspirin?
- Shit. - What's that?
That's my brother. He's in the bathroom.
We just saw George. Oh, it was horrible, Ken.
Just horrible.
Isn't it terrible about George?
When I find the bastard who squealed--
I love that man!
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Wanda was upset, Ken. She needed to talk to family.
She's just had a shower.
I've got to speak to you.
- Are you okay now? - I'm fine. Thanks for coming.
- Call me if you need me again. - Okay. Thanks.
What's the matter with you? Can't you think about her feelings?
- There's something funny going on. - Oh, dear.
You don't even know why you're excited, do you?
I didn't want to say anything while George was around.
Isn't it time you faced up to certain realities?
Come on. You're a very attractive man.
You're smart, you've got wonderful bones...
great eyes and you dress really interestingly.
We could have a lot of fun together, you and I.
We'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
You must be jo--
- May I kiss you, Ken? - No, you fucking can't!
Just a peck. No tongue. Ken!
You didn't realize I was gay.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I've handled this badly.
Look, the physical side can wait.
You need time.
Will you think about it?
Oh, my God.
Ken, somebody just called!
They said the police know the loot is in a garage in Fulham somewhere.
You and I have to go get it right now.
You and I have to go before the police find out where it is.
- What? - It's all right.
What?
George.
Moved.
- George moved the loot? - Yes.
Where did he move it, Ken?
I don't know where it is. There's a key. I don't know what it's for.
It's in the--
Don't tell me. It's better that you don't tell me.
Oh, you know, if it wasn't for George.
Otto...
tried to kiss me.
I thought he might.
No. Nothing. No marks at all.
- But it is a safety deposit box key? - Oh, yes.
But it could be any one in England. There are millions of them.
Hotels, banks, offices. Sorry.
Thank you.
Fuck.
That's him, Inspector.
He's the one who tried to murder my dogs.
Davidson?
There's an American legal student here who wants to see me for a moment.
- What time's Sir John due? - Half past 1 2:00, sir.
Come in.
- Hi. - How very nice to see you.
- Am I interrupting? - Absolutely not.
- Really? - Really. Delighted to see you.
Hello.
So, this is the place, huh?
- This is it. - Very nice.
I was over at the courts this morning. Boy, it's fascinating.
- Really so much to know. - You like it?
Everybody wears these. Do you wear one?
Ridiculous.
Well, I only have a few minutes before-- Sorry.
- I'm sorry. - Till then I'm all yours, as they say.
I just have a couple of questions.
I'm having a little problem understanding...
- preliminary criminal procedures. - Good.
What exactly is the committal?
Ah, interesting.
Basically, it's a preliminary investigation...
where the prosecution presents prima facie evidence...
that the accused has a case to answer for trial.
That's what the books say.
Let's just take, for example, my friend George Thomason.
- Right. - When he goes into his committal--
- Thomason? - Yes.
Do you know him?
- I'm defending him. - What are you talking about?
I'm his barrister, his lawyer.
That's so great.
That's so weird. Isn't that weird?
I'm so happy it's you that's defending him.
Thank you.
He's sure to get off now.
Wow.
- I could watch you work now. - Please.
Amazing.
Anyway, at the committal, George would then plead--
- Not guilty. - Really?
Oh, you see, the evidence against him is largely circumstantial.
But there was an identification, wasn't there?
True, but a very elderly lady. I think they've got the wrong man.
You don't think he did it.
Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you did think he did it.
If further evidence against him came to light, for example.
You would then advise him to plead guilty...
and turn over the jewels to get his sentence cut.
And he would turn them over to who? To you?
- Theoretically? - Oh, of course.
Well, uh--
I'm so sorry. I've forgotten your name.
Wonderful, wonderful. Wanda, there were really three--
- Not Wanda Gershwitz? - Yes.
Oh, my God.
- What? - You're his alibi.
- I can't talk to you. - Why not?
My dear young lady, you are a defense witness.
I must ask you to leave immediately. I'm so sorry.
What did I say?
- It's not ethical to talk to a witness. - Everybody does it in America.
Well, not in England. It's strictly forbidden.
I must insist, otherwise I may have to give up the case.
I'm sorry. Please?
I didn't come here today to talk about boring criminal procedures.
Come on. You know.
You knew the minute I walked in here.
I want you.
What?
- SirJohn is here. - Show him in, please.
- I want you to make love with me. - Pardon?
Nothing.
- Will you take me to bed, Archie? - No. Sorry.
Bye, Uncle.
He's pleading not guilty...
so you're safe until the trial.
Leach doesn't think he did it.
Ken says there's a safe deposit box key, but only George knows where it is.
Thank you, Wanda.
- What have you found out? - Not a lot.
- You realize he's in court tomorrow? - I know that!
So nothing, huh?
Nix.
Zip.
Diddly. Bupkes.
- Oh, it's too big. - No, it isn't, Portia.
- It is enormous. - No, it isn't.
- Please, Mother. - No, absolutely not.
I'm so miserable, and you just don't care.
Do shut up, Portia.
All I get all day is people complaining to me.
Oh, dear.
Archie, I want you to speak to her about plastic surgery.
I do wish you'd listen to me. I want you to speak to Portia.
Right. I'll have a word with her in the morning.
Good night, Archie.
Good night, Wanda.
- Good night, who? - Sorry, darling.
Just some stupid case I've got tomorrow with some lousy old hag.
Are you George Francis Thomason...
of Kipling Mansions, Murray Avenue, London W9?
Yes, sir.
The charge is one of armed robbery. Sit down, Mr. Thomason.
Are we ready for a committal today, Mr. Percival?
Yes, it will be under Section 62, Madam.
That is correct-- 62.
Here are the statements, all to be fully bound, please.
Stand up, Mr. Thomason.
You are hereby committed to stand trial at the Central Criminal Court.
There is some urgency about this case, Madam...
as the main witness, Mrs. Eileen Coady, is elderly...
and has had serious heart difficulties recently.
Is there any possibility that this case...
might be put down for an early trial?
That would be for the listing officer at the Old Bailey.
Take him down to the cells, please.
Yes, sir.
Come along, now.
Hi, hon. How are you doing? Ooh, you look great.
I love your hair. Do you have time for a coffee?
- No, I've got to go. - Have you thought about it though?
One thing: Why did he give you this? ''Eileen Coady, 69 Basil Street''?
What does he want you to do, send her flowers?
Do her shopping? Show her a good time?
Rub her out?
He wants you to rub her out?
He's going to kill her!
Fuck off, or I'll kill you.
Limey fruits!
So the old lady's going to meet with an accident, Ken?
- What's so funny? - Nothing.
It's just that wasting old ladies isn't nice.
Well, it's better than buggering people.
I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.
- All right. - All right.
I love watching your ass when you walk.
Is that beautiful, or what?
Don't go near him! He's mine!
A pound says you won't kill her.
- When could you look at it? - Well, Thursday's hopeless.
My wife's going to the opera Friday evening.
I could have a look at it then, call you at the office Saturday morning.
I'd really appreciate that. Thanks, Archie.
I know we're not allowed to talk. Give me a call.
I can't.
Please?
- We're not allowed to speak. - We don't have to.
I don't want you for your conversation.
I'd love to, but--
- What happened? - Got a date Friday.
Look here, do you mind not making that terrible noise?
My dogs will be having their nap.
Nice doggy.
Otto, what are you doing?
It's a Buddhist meditation technique. It focuses your aggression.
The monks used to do it before they went into battle.
What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?
Asshole!
It's an early Tantric medita-- What is this?
In order to get information, I might have to get friendly with him.
Well, we're ready now, at last.
- Good. Enjoy the opera, darling. - Your supper's in the fridge.
- Marvelous. Thank you so much. - Be good.
When you say ''friendly,'' what are we talking about here?
Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?
I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
So, friendly might include...
actual, what, penetration, would you say?
- I don't need your jealousy now. -Jealousy?
- Yes. - Hey, I'm merely curious.
Me, jealous of that fop?
- What about my tits? - Does he get to handle them?
Yes, that's my forecast. I'll stand by that.
- Nuzzling? - I think $20 million is worth nuzzling.
- Eighty percent chance there. - Sucking?
- I thought you weren't jealous. - I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy.
It's for the weak.
One thing, though: touch his dick, and he's dead.
I told your father to get the car serviced.
- Aren't we going, then? - Do shut up, Portia.
Hurry up.
Do you despise me?
No, that's not a word that leaps to mind.
Can I stay, then?
Of course. Look.
- Wanda-- - I know.
Your wife's coming back.
No, it's not her. She'll be gone for hours.
It's about what I said to you.
It is all right for us to speak.
- It is? - Provided we don't discuss the case.
Oh, fine.
It's just that if anyone saw us talking--
But they won't.
Sorry if I seem pompous.
Oh, you're the best, Archie.
Not yet. I'm thirsty.
What shall I get you?
Whiskey.
You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl...
I have ever seen...
in my entire life.
Get me my drink.
So...
if George decides to change his plea...
he'd tell you where the loot is first, wouldn't he?
Darling, we mustn't talk about the trial, okay?
I know. I just meant theoretically.
Kiss me there.
Oh, theoretically.
Well, if the defendant wants to change his plea...
in his instructions to his legal representative...
the normal procedure--
- What's the matter? - It's wonderful, Archie.
- What's the matter? - You're getting me so hot.
- Sorry. - I need something to drink.
Something cold, maybe in the fridge?
- Champagne? - My favorite.
Don't go away.
- What are you doing here? - Relax.
- Get the fuck out of here. - I heard moaning. I was worried.
I was faking it, you stupid jerk.
Don't ever call me stupid, and I'm not jealous.
- Then leave. - Okay.
It's a nice place.
Don't touch his dick.
His wife.
Now, for goodness' sake, get off to bed.
Oh, God, there isn't any ice.
Champagne.
What's the matter?
What are you doing?
Champagne, dear, to welcome you home.
Let me pour you a glass.
Whose is the car?
- The car? - Blocking the drive.
There you are, dear. Cheers. Nice to see you.
How was the opera? Finished early?
Whose car is it?
Mine. It's a beauty, isn't it?
Where did I leave my drink, Archie?
Who is this?
- Don't you know? - How do you do, Mrs. Leach?
I'm Harvey Manfredin St.John.
- I'm with the C.I.A. - C.I.A.?
That's correct, ma'am.
I was just telling your husband here...
before I had to go to your beautiful bathroom...
we've got a high-ranking K.G.B. defector...
in a safe house near here.
We're debriefing him as of now...
and we're just checking...
all the houses in the neighborhood.
- For what? - For K.G.B.
- Is there any danger? - No, no.
Not now.
We--
We just want to keep everyone informed.
So, Archie, thanks for the drink.
Sorry to have troubled you, folks. I'll see myself out.
- Keep everyone informed? - So there's no panic, ma'am.
- But isn't it a secret? - You have no idea how secret.
Why are you telling everyone?
It's a smoke screen?
- What? - Double bluff.
You obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady.
It's an XK Red 2 7 technique.
My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredin St.John.
I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed...
when you are debriefing K.G.B. defectors in a safe house.
You don't, huh?
Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid.
- Don't call me stupid. - Why on earth not?
You English are so superior, aren't you?
Would you like to know where you'd be without us...
the old U.S. of A., to protect you?
The smallest fucking province in the Russian empire, that's what!
So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.
Well, thank you for popping in and protecting us.
If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing--
That's my brother covering for me.
Get rid of your wife and get my necklace.
Necklace, right. I'll think of something to get rid of her.
- Who are you talking to? - Myself, darling.
- Who was that shouting? - The brother of a friend of mine.
- Archie, who on earth? - I don't know.
Extraordinary. He rang the bell, I opened the door.
- I need a drink. - Let's go to the pub.
- What? - Let's go to the pub.
- Would you like to come, Portia? - We haven't been there in 1 5 years.
It would be nice for Portia to see it now.
Honestly, Archie.
- What on earth is the matter? - I thought the picture was falling.
- Pull yourself together. - It's all right. It's secure now.
What's this?
Thanks, Portia. Well done. Coming with us?
- What was that? - A kind of necklace.
- What's going on? - Nothing, dear. Let's go.
- Can I see that? - What?
In your hand.
Your other hand.
- Portia, go to your room. - Are we going to the pub?
I can explain. I left some papers at the office.
Now! And they sent a new girl up.
- Oh, Archie. - Really, she's Canadian.
- She mentioned it was her birthday. - It's lovely. Thank you.
It's even got a ''W'' for Wendy.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it, darling.
It's the most beautiful thing you've ever given me.
This isn't like you.
- Are you fucking crazy? - Hey, I saved your ass.
I had him right where I wanted him, you asshole!
I give you one fucking thing to do, Otto.
You're supposed to drive me here. Shut up!
Oh, relax.
Hold on. It's for you.
Not at the moment, no.
Yes, I'm not quite sure when I'll be able to get hold of that.
Yes, I do appreciate that. Yes, as soon as possible.
Well, that would be very nice, obviously.
So see you soon, I hope?
Bye, Frank.
Easy, Maggie.
Calm down.
Easy, girl. Easy.
Come here.
Smell, Maggie, smell.
Now.
Kill!
We therefore commit its body to the ground...
earth to earth, ashes to ashes...
dust to dust...
in sure and certain hope of the resurrection...
to eternal life.
Hello, honey. What happened?
- Nothing. - What's that?
- Not Granny? - Not yet.
Who's it for, then?
A fish. A Frenchman. A phone operator.
- Friend. - A four-legged one?
- Where's my sister? - She's in the--
- Thank you. - Lavatory.
- Anything? - What? No.
- Why are you here? - I'm here because I'm bored.
Bored wandering around this God-awful city...
shoving George's ugly pic--
talking to a lot of snotty, stuck-up, intellectually inferior British faggots.
Jesus, they're uptight.
They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country.
Standing there with their hair clenched.
Counting the seconds till the week ends...
so they can all dress up like ballerinas and...
whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4.
''2B, St.--''
To be honest...
I hate them.
I mean, pretending they're so fucking lawyer--
so fucking superior...
with those phony accents.
Not you, Ken. You've got a beautiful speaking voice.
When it works.
Son of a bitch!
So, wanna have some lunch?
- Have you heard from him? - Who?
- Archie. - No, I have to finish my hair!
Nothing? I'm out of here! No plans to see him?
Okay. Bye, bro!
Bye, Wanda!
Oh, sorry.
- What? - It wasn't theirs to sell.
An old lady gave it to them to engrave. She's about 80 and dying.
It's of great sentimental value. Somebody put it in the display cabinet.
- That's their problem. - Not really.
- You paid for it. - They do accept their mistake.
They're offering you this to replace it. It's three times as valuable.
This is the nicest thing you've ever given me, which I absolutely love.
Now you want me to give it back and replace it with something vulgar.
- I don't want you to give it back. - Well, they can't have it.
Tell them they can't have it.
You're the bloody barrister!
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
It's just beautiful.
Oh, my God! Look!
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
Isn't it wonderful?
- Whose is it? - Belongs to someone at the chambers.
And where are they?
Hong Kong. Gone for weeks.
Nice rug, Archie.
May I?
- What are you doing? - The polka, I think.
You make me feel free.
Free?
Do you have any idea what it's like being English?
Being so correct all the time? Being so stifled...
by this dread of doing the wrong thing?
Of saying to someone, ''Are you married?''
and hearing, ''My wife left me this morning''?
Or saying, ''Do you have children?'' And being told...
''They all burned to death on Wednesday.''
You see, Wanda, we're all...
terrified of embarrassment.
That's why we're so...
dead.
Most of my friends are dead. We have these piles of corpses to dinner.
But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be.
I'm so fed up with all this.
I want to make love with you.
I'm a good lover. At least...
I used to be, back in the early 1 4th century.
Can we go to bed?
Yeah.
Hang on. Mind your head.
Oh, I think I love you.
- Can I ask you a question? - Anything.
Where's my locket?
- I couldn't get it. - What?
Wendy wouldn't give it back. Look, I got you this instead.
- Like it? - No, Archie.
I have to have mine.
Why?
My mother gave it to me...
on her deathbed.
I'm sorry. All right, darling.
- I'll get it for you. - You promise?
I'll think of something.
Sex is very difficult for me...
with somebody that I don't trust completely.
I promise I'll get it, okay?
I love you, Archie!
I've loved you ever since the first second I saw you.
- What was that? - What?
Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?
- No. - He has no idea?
He doesn't have a clue.
What?
- He is so dumb. - Really?
He thought the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
All those terrible lies he told about the CIA.
So painful.
And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia...
he said, ''Why did they name her after a car?''
I love the way you laugh.
I love you. You're funny.
How come a girl as bright as you could have a brother who's so--
Don't call me stupid.
Jesus Christ!
- Come on! - Ouch!
Come on!
I'll deal with you later.
What have you done with her?
She's all right.
Now, apologize.
- What? - Apologize.
- Oh, shit! - Are you totally deranged?
You pompous, stuck-up...
snot-nosed, English...
giant, twerp...
scumbag, fuck face, dick-head, asshole!
How very interesting.
You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
You're the vulgarian, you fuck! Now, apologize!
Me to you?
Apologize.
All right, I apologize.
- You're really sorry? - I'm really, really sorry.
I apologize unreservedly.
- You take it back? - I do. I offer...
a complete and utter retraction.
The imputation was totally without basis in fact...
and was in no way fair comment and was motivated...
purely by malice, and I deeply regret...
any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family.
And I hereby undertake not to repeat...
any such slander at any time in the future.
Okay.
You said you loved him!
That's right! Now, here's a multiple choice question for you.
A: Wanda was lying.
B: Wanda was telling the truth!
Which one are you gonna pick?
What was the first one? You told me you were not planning to see him.
Because I knew you'd come along and fuck it up!
I was dealing with something delicate.
I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us--
who's going to tell me where the loot is...
and if they're gonna come and arrest you-- and you come loping in...
like Rambo without a jockstrap and dangle him out a fifth-floor window.
Now, was that smart?
- Okay. - Was it shrewd?
Was it good tactics or was it stupid?
Don't call me stupid.
Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!
I've known sheep that could outwit you.
I've worn dresses with higher IQs.
But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Apes don't read philosophy.
Yes, they do. They just don't understand it.
Now, let me correct you on a couple things, okay?
Aristotle was not Belgian.
The central message of Buddhism is not ''Every man for himself.''
And the London Underground is not a political movement.
Those are all mistakes. I looked 'em up.
Now, you have just assaulted...
the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich.
So what are you gonna do about it?
What would an intellectual do?
What would Plato do?
- Apologize. - Pardon me?
What?
- Apologize! - Right!
I'm sorry.
No. Not to me, to Archie.
And make it good or we're dead.
I'm so very, very--
Fuck you!
I'm very, very sss--
Very, very--
Hello, Mr. Burglar. Going somewhere?
Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
He just happens to be a very good friend of mine...
and he's going to be very pleased with me when he finds you...
all tied up and ready for the police.
And don't call me Otto. To you, I am Mr.--
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry.
Please. I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was you.
How could I know it was you?
I mean, how could you expect me to guess?
You stupid jerk. What the fuck are you doing...
robbing your own house?
You asshole!
You stupid, stiff, pompous, English--
I'm sorry.
God almighty!
Bloody hell!
Darling!
Are you hurt?
Speak to me. Are you hurt?
Can't you speak?
What has happened?
Archie, we've been burgled.
- Oh, no! - Well, are you hurt?
No, I'm fine. Bit of a headache.
I came in here. Somebody hit me, tied me up with a--
My God, is that the time?
What?
- I didn't realize it was quite so late. - What?
- I'm late for a conference. - A conference?
- You've just been attacked! - It's nothing. I must fly. Sorry.
I'll help you tidy up when I get back. Hello, Portia.
What's happened?
Your father has finally gone completely mental.
Thank you so much.
- Champagne? - Okay.
To us.
Well, I went back to the house and guess who--
Let's make love.
Well, if you absolutely insist.
- No. - What?
Here on the rug.
I'll be right back. Get undressed.
Why not?
Why not indeed.
- Afterwards-- - Yeah?
Let's go to South America.
- What? - Let's fly to South America.
Why South America?
Okay, Iceland.
What do you really want out of life?
I don't know.
Why do I like you so much?
Do you speak Italian?
I am Italian!
But it's such an ugly language.
How about Russian?
- Are you rich? - No, I'm afraid not.
- What about the house? - That's Wendy's. She's the rich one.
- What the hell are you doing? - I might ask you the same question.
Who are you?
- What? - Get your clothes on.
- Will you leave immediately, please? - What?
You're in the wrong flat.
This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour.
He's in Hong Kong. He lent me the key. Now, get out!
But we leased it from the agents last weekend.
Yes, well, obviously that changes things a bit.
Aren't you Archie Leach?
What?
You bought our house in Lissendon Gardens.
Hazel and Ian Johnson.
What a coincidence!
How nice to see you.
- Hello? - Wanda, it's Archie. Listen.
I can't see you anymore. I've got to end it. I'm sorry.
What?
I'm sorry.
- Okay. - Oh, no. Please.
- Look, I want to apologize. - I just finished it, all right?
Okay, just-- Wait. Where are you going?
I just ended it, for Christ's sake! Will you leave me alone?
- I've just ended it, all right? - Wait!
- I just want to say I'm sorry. - It's all over!
-Jesus Christ! Someone help me! - Will you calm down?
Please, believe me. Don't beat me up again.
I've had a terrible day.
- Will you shut up? -Jesus Christ! Don't kill me, please.
Shut up then. Okay.
Look, I just wanna apologize...
sincerely for when I dangled you out the window.
I'm really, really-- Well, it was not a nice thing to do.
And then when I attacked you in there, well, I'm really--
How could I know you were trying to rob your own house?
- I was just trying to help. - Yes. Thanks.
- I wanted you to trust me. - Please, it was my fault.
- That's true. - Yeah.
Now, about my sister.
She's a very sexy girl.
I understand you wanting to play around with her.
It's okay. I was wrong.
I'm sorry I was jealous. Just go ahead.
Pork away, pal. Fuck her blue.
I like you, Archie. I just wanna help.
Oh, God!
I did it.
I did it! Lovely!
Unbe-fucking-lieveable!
Thomason!
You've done well, my son.
Now, here's the plan.
You get four tickets this evening for Rio, first class.
Then--
Yeah, four. We get rid of Otto later.
Then, back to the flat. Pack, collect me.
Then to the Cathcart Towers Hotel to pick up the jewels.
Unbe-fucking-lievable!
Oh, it's so exciting. I can't believe it.
He's safe.
Oh, I'm going to be late for court.
Hello? Oh, hello, Otto.
No, she just left.
And, Otto, you owe me a--
What?
You owe me a pound.
Not Granny?
Met with an accident.
- Bullshit! You're lying! - Come on.
Dead?
Heart attack.
I don't believe this.
George'll be out this afternoon.
We'll all go out to Heathrow, collect the loot, and then--
All thanks...
to me.
So, the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken?
What's happening?
Well, Ken...
I'm going to ask you some questions while I eat my chips.
First, who is the philosopher...
who developed the concept of the ''superman''...
in Also sprach Zarathustra?
No?
That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.
Friedrich Nietzsche. Next.
In which book did Nietzsche claim...
that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?
Are you thinking, or are you in mid-stutter?
You're mad.
Beyond Good and Evil.
I guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh?
Okay, um--
Let me think.
Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue.
Somewhere around the airport.
- I'm n-- - No hassle. There's plenty of time.
I'll just sit here and eat my chips until you tell me.
The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.
What do the English usually eat with chips...
to make them more interesting?
Wait a moment!
It's fish, isn't it?
Here, boy. Down the hatch.
Delicious.
You b--
Better eat the green one? Okay.
What's this one's name?
Well, not Wanda, anyway.
I'm going to call her Lunch.
Hello, Lunch.
Avoid the green ones.
They're not ripe yet.
Now, you were in court, were you not, Inspector...
when the forensic evidence was read?
- Yes, sir. - And the fact that...
Mr. Thomason was installing windows the previous weekend...
would account, would it not...
for the presence of small particles of glass on his trousers?
No hurry, Inspector. Please do take your time.
I'm almost full.
- Almost. - Stop!
Please, don't.
Come on, Wanda. Gullet time.
What are the names of those hotels that are right by the airport?
What are they? The Airway Sheraton, The Post House, The Cathcart Towers--
The Cathcart Towers? Yes?
- Yes. - In a safe deposit box?
Yes.
- What? - Where's the key?
It's in the tank.
Where?
- In the t-- - Treasure chest!
Where?
You m-m--
murdering--
I'll kill you!
Sorry, Ken, but your answer was incorrect.
Still, you really did think it was in there, didn't you?
What?
Hello?
- I know where the diamonds are. - Where?
Where's the key?
I've got it.
How soon can you get to George's apartment?
You are Wanda Gershwitz of Kipling Mansions...
Murray Road, London, West Nine?
- Yes. - Will you tell the court, please...
how do you know the defendant?
We've had a relationship for two years.
Relationship?
We're lovers, your lord.
Miss Gershwitz, on the fourth of March of this year...
in the morning, where were you?
I was at the apartment at Murray Road.
And were you by yourself or was there anyone else present?
No, somebody else was there.
- Who was that? - My brother.
And did your--
Your brother?
My brother.
Yes.
And--
Are you quite sure it was your brother?
Mr. Leach, I'm sure Miss Gershwitz can recognize her brother.
She's had a relationship with him all her life.
Much obliged, my lord.
Was there anyone else present that morning?
- Yes, George was there. - Thank you.
- But he left about five to 7:00. - Wanda.
I wonder--
Yes, Mr. Leach?
I Wendy-- I Wanda-- I wonder--
When you say five to 7:00, Miss Gershwitz...
how can you be so sure?
Oh, I looked at the clock, 'cause I was saying to myself...
''Where could he be going at five to 7:00 with that sawed-off shotgun?''
Darling!
- Mr. Leach. ''Darling''? - Yes, dear?
You bitch! You fucking bitch!
Restrain that man.
- Restrain this man. - Come here, you bastard!
Clear the court. I'm adjourning this matter for now.
- Take the prisoner below. - Clear the court!
Officers, arrest that man!
Clear the court!
Bloody hell!
It's my husband. He's been hit.
You made it. Good. Bit of a knock, I'm afraid.
I have never been so humiliated in my life.
You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.
I'll see you in court.
Yes.
Well, that's it, then.
- What? - We've got to talk.
You tell those pigs to fuck off!
Fuck off, pigs.
Did you hear what I said? Fuck off.
- What's she up to, George? - What are you up to?
You called her darling and Wanda.
I've been helping her get her evidence straight.
- It slipped out. - You've been coaching her?
What do you think? Look, we've got ten minutes.
They're gonna find you guilty, right?
If you plead guilty now, tell them where the loot is...
you may get away with eight years, out in five-and-a-half.
What if I tell them about Otto and Wanda?
- They both did it? - Yeah.
Great. All right. Maybe six years, out in four.
So where are the diamonds?
- Where's Bartlett? - Upstairs trying to calm things down.
So, where are they?
Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are.
It'd be a lot quicker if you told me.
Okay, I'll tell Bartlett. Where's Ken?
He's at the flat.
Thank you for all your help. I'll be right out.
Taxi! Please! Shit.
- Come on. - What?
- Let's go. - Where?
- Buenos Aires. - What?
We're going to George's flat first. Get in.
- Got your passport? - Yeah.
Check the briefcase for mine.
Get your head down.
So you robbed the jewelers...
turned one of your lovers over to the police...
kept the other one on to help you find the diamonds...
and when he does, you commit perjury in the High Court, right?
Come on, Archie. Everybody does it in America.
Well, not in this country, they don't!
Oh, right. Like nobody lies in England. Like Margaret Thatcher never lied.
Look, you lied to me right from the moment we met.
- You just wanted to get me into bed. - I fell in love with you.
How come you dumped me then?
I wasn't rich enough, remember?
- Say something in Russian. - No.
What are you thinking?
I'm just trying to think of one good reason why...
I should take you to South America with me.
How about...
because I have the key to the safety deposit box.
That's a good reason.
- What do we do about Otto? - I'll handle Otto.
- Be careful. He's dangerous. - So am I.
Keep it running.
- Why did you bring him? - Otto, just wait!
I'm beginning to think you like that fruit.
Let's get the diamonds!
Ken?
Are you Ken?
How do you do? I'm George's barrister.
What's happened?
- Oh, my God! - Asshole!
What the bloody hell do you think--
All right, then.
Where have they gone? Quick.
What?
Are you all right?
- Where have they gone? - They've gone to the Cathcart--
- Are you ill? - No, no.
What?
Have you got a stutter?
Yeah.
- A bit. - Okay, fine. Don't worry.
Do you know where they've gone?
Fine. Where?
The Ca-- Hotel.
Hotel? Which hotel?
Go on. It's okay.
All right. Wait.
Slowly. Very slowly.
No hurry.
Sing it.
Plenty of time.
Oh, come on! I'm sorry.
Wait.
Here, write it.
Cathcart Towers Hotel?
Where is it?
Here, again.
Heathrow Airport.
Hey! What's the idea?
- You can't stay there. - Frightfully sorry.
Take it. It's yours.
Thank you so much. British Airways to Rio?
Rio. Terminal four, sir.
Thank you.
Excuse me, sir, is this your vehicle?
I'll be with you in a moment. I'll be right back.
Aisle or window? Smoking or non-smoking?
- What was the middle one? - Anything in non-smoking is fine.
Gate 1 4 is boarding now.
Rio!
Don't look back. There's a cop right behind us.
Quick.
- Yes, we can just do it, Mr. Leach. - Great.
Luggage?
Don't really need any.
- Gate 1 4. - Thank you.
Come on, Archie. Pick up the phone.
Wait, sir. Airport Security.
- May I see your boarding pass, please? - Oh, yes, certainly.
Very good. Now, would you mind stepping over here please?
- Oh, look, the Queen. - Where?
Okay. Don't get excited.
Oh, it's you. I was actually worried there for a minute.
- Keep your hands up. - No!
- Put 'em up! - I'll make a deal with you.
- I'll put one up. - Put the other one up!
Which looks better?
I'm warning you, Otto.
What are you gonna do, shoot me?
Gun me down in cold blood like a dog?
If you wanna settle something with me, then why don't you fight me?
You're a man, aren't you? Then let's fight like men. Come on!
All right.
- All right, then. - Okay.
- You look good, Arch. - That's right.
- I used to box for Oxford. - Oh, yeah?
I used to kill for the CIA. Now, get your hands up.
You spineless bimbo.
Now, out.
I'm gonna have to shoot you now.
But I've got a little time before my plane leaves...
and I'm longing to humiliate you.
So get in that barrel.
- What? - In the barrel.
Right.
You English. You think you're so superior, don't you?
Well, you're the filth of the planet.
A bunch of pompous, badly dressed...
poverty-stricken, sexually repressed...
football hooligans.
Good-bye, Archie.
Well, at least we're not irretrievably vulgar.
You know your problem? You don't like winners.
- Winners? - Yeah. Winners.
Winners, like North Vietnam?
Shut up!
We did not lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
I'm telling ya, baby, they kicked your little ass there.
Boy, they whooped your hide real good.
- No, they didn't.
- Yes, they did.
No
Shut up!
- Good-bye, Archie. - You gonna shoot me?
Yes, afraid so, old chap. Sorry.
Look, Otto!
Revenge!
It's Ken coming to kill me.
How are you gonna catch me, Ken?
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Shit! God--
Fucking limey cement.
Wait!
Kenny! May I call you Kenny?
- Remember Wanda! - I've got the deal of a lifetime.
Fifty-fifty. You and me. What do you say?
Okay, sixty-forty.
- That's my final offer. - Revenge!
I've got an idea. You take it all. Yeah.
Here's my boarding pass.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna kill you.
Okay, fine. Come at me. Give me your best shot.
Go on. You don't have the guts. Admit it.
Okay, you have the guts. Good. Wait.
Death.
All right, I'm sorry I ate your fish, okay?
- I'm sorry. - Revenge!
Jesus, I said I'm sorry! What the--
Got him!
Got you again, you bastard!
Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone.
I can speak.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Now, listen, two things.
One: behave yourself from now on or I'll break your neck, okay?
Two:
Gorbachev, Glasnost--
Molotov.
- Blinis. - Lenin.
Pushkin.
- Chicken Kiev. - Good.
Dostoyevsky.
Rubles.
Vladivostok.
Asshole!