各位安静一下 听我简单说几句 Can I get everybody's attension. Real quick.
在这个美好的日子里 Um, on this wonderful occasion--
我们的女儿明日即将离家进入大学 Our daughter leaving tomorrow for college...
请各位一起举杯 If I could get everyone to raise their glass.
容我引用我国一位伟大的父亲 As I quote from one of our nation's great fathers--
[国父/前总统托马斯·杰斐逊]
杰斐逊 Jefferson.
[美剧《杰弗逊一家》中的黑人父亲]
乔治·杰斐逊 George Jefferson.
我没想到我的孩子 "I never dreamed that one of my own
有朝一日会进入大学 "would be going off to a university,
但今天我作为一个自豪的黑人 "but here I stand, a proud black man,
明白我耗费在干洗机上的日日夜夜 knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner--"
[维兹是剧中乔治的太太]
-菲尔 -别打岔 维兹 - Phil. - Not now, Weezie.
我说到哪儿了 Where was I?
你在引用杰弗逊"总统"的话 Quoting that president.
如果她也算是美国的未来 Okay, if she's the future of America,
我们还是赶紧用人民币吧 we should start using Chinese money now.
我们早就在花中国人的钱了 We already are.
我手都举酸了 祝贺海莉 My arm is tired. To Haley.
祝贺海莉 To Haley!
在各位放下杯子以前 And before everyone puts their glasses down,
我们也有莉莉的喜事宣布 uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily.
明天是她第一次上幼儿园的日子 Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten.
-祝贺莉莉 -莉莉 - To Lily. - Oh, Lily.
祝贺莉莉 你们要知道 To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know
她会是全班最聪明的小姑娘 that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there.
莉莉宝贝 64的平方根是几 Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64?
8 8.
好厉害啊 Wow. Hey!
真狡猾 Nice trick.
莉莉 土豆的平方根是几 Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato?
8 8.
恭喜你们 养出只大鹦鹉来 Congratulations. You have a parrot.
海莉的祝酒词还没结束 We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley
你就让莉莉来抢风头了 before you pulled focus to Lily.
拜托 今天是她们俩的大日子好吗 Oh, come on. It's--it's a big day for both of them. Huh?
海莉能进大学是奇迹 Haley going to college is a miracle.
你家莉莉进幼儿园是法律强制规定 Lily going to kindergarten is the law.
海莉和莉莉不是唯一开始上学的人 Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school.
我妈和杰要去上育儿班了 My mom and jay are going to parenting class.
我们是为了宝宝才去的 We're doing it for the baby.
不是她肚子里这个 是那个活"宝" Not this baby. That baby.
曼尼不相信我们能尽好父母之职 Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing.
咯吱窝的毛刚长出几根 A couple of new hairs under his arm,
他就觉得自己比他妈懂得多了 and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.
我至少懂得不去 I know not to embarrass my son
羞辱儿子青春期的正常发育现象 as he stands on the threshold of manhood.
我干嘛非要去上那个课 I don't know why I have to go to this thing.
你们应该记得 我带大了两个孩子 In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.
别拉我的头发 Stop pulling my hair.
-别拧我的奶头 -闭嘴闭嘴 - Stop twisting my nipple. Ow! - Shut up. Shut up.
看我干嘛 都是他们老妈的错 Why look at me? It was their mother's fault.
我基本就不在家 I was barely around.
好疼 No! Ow, ow!
本字幕由 YYeTs人人影视 原创翻译制作 仅供学习 禁止用于任何商业盈利行为 更多影视更新 请登陆 www.YYeTs.com
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翻译：猫中之王 Ethan-泽生 独醉
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时间轴：菜六水 校对：伊森·D·泽生 后期&总监：瓜瓜
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摩 登
家 庭
第四季 第二集
海莉 你这些化妆用品 Haley, this is, like, the third bag
和护发器材都装满第三箱了 of makeup and hair care products.
爸 要想得高分 就得靠脸蛋 Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.
别吐我的槽 Don't say a word.
不 我同意你那句话的前提条件 No. No. I agree with that premise.
谢谢啊 等一下 Thank you. Wait.
好吧 谢谢你 Yeah, thank you.
克莱尔 Claire.
海莉的行李里有一盒保险套 In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
是的 是我买给她的 Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
什么 你怎么不直接给她买双渔网袜 What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings
再加套护士制服装呢 and a nurse's outfit?
我不是制服控 只是脑海突然冒出了这画面 Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head.
亲爱的 她已成年了 又将去上大学 Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college.
我必须现实一些 I want to be realistic.
我不希望她"套到用时方恨少" I don't want her to get caught unprepared.
24个套套 你这是准备了4年份吗 24 times? What, are you buying her a 4-year supply?
拜托 菲尔 这才够我 Please. Phil, that would've lasted me
和我大学男友来一次长时间的 and my college boyfriend, like, a long--
不听不听不听 La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
好 我们该走了 Okay, we gotta hit the road.
你们姐妹俩拥抱再见吧 Give your sister a hug good-bye.
别把房间弄得太书呆气了 Don't dork up our room.
别在大学里和同学睡成一片 Don't slut up your college.
说真的 别太努力学习了 Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?
我会玩得很开心的 I'm totally going to have fun.
我在模拟联合国中代表冰岛呢 I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
妈 我们要失去她了 Mom, we're gonna lose her.
我会尽力阻止的 I am doing my best.
卢克 过来和姐姐说再见 Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.
我来了 I'm right here.
再见海莉 玩得开心点 Bye, Haley. Have fun.
别喝太多啤酒和龙舌兰 Don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila.
你带着面具干什么 Why are you wearing that mask?
我喜欢 Uh, I like it.
他是不想让你看到他流泪 He doesn't want you to see him cry.
他用面具罩住了自己的情绪 He's literally masking his emotions.
不是的 No!
-真感人 -过来 - That's so sweet. - Come here.
没什么感人的 我是邪恶电子人 It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg.
半边脸都在工业事故中烧毁了 Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident,
面具是用来掩饰让我的发声设备的 and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.
是的 海莉离家我很难过 Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving,
但我很放心 因为我已经尽了一切努力 but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can
让她万事俱备 即将迈出自立的第一步 to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.
我没有 我们在宿舍向她道别的一刻 Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye,
将是我人生中最激动的时刻之一 it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life.
我会比第一次看《神犬巴迪》哭得还厉害 I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw "Air bud"...
尤其是在我交给她这个时 Especially when I give her this.
《菲尔之道》 "Phil's-osophy."
我毕生总结出的人生道理精装版 A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned,
比如 such as...
"永远直视对方的双眼 "Always look people in the eye,
哪怕对方是盲人" "even if they're blind.
告诉他们 我正看着你的双眼 Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'"
或者 Or...
"如果你因超速被拦住 "If you get pulled over for speeding,
告诉警察你同伴有拉肚之急" tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea."
《菲尔之道》 Phil's-osophy.
看看这里多好玩啊 莉莉 Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily.
这么多好玩的玩具 So many great toys to play with,
你会交到好多朋友的 and you're gonna make so many new friends.
真希望我再读一次幼儿园 Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
我可不要 我说过大卫·安东尼的事没 Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about David Anthony?
他以前叫我"肉卡" He used to call me "Cam the ham."
-今天的主角是莉莉 -你说得对 - Okay, Lily's day. - Yeah, you're right.
知道吗 你今天一定会很开心 You know what? It's gonna be a great day.
不过 名字和"火腿肉"押韵 I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up
成长过程就比较艰辛 with a name that rhymes with "ham."
是吗 米奇 巫气 抽泣 Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.
贱器 Bitch.
伊莱恩·斯特里奇 Elaine Stritch.
什么 What?
不是只有直男才欺负人 Not all bullies are straight.
好了 各位家长 Okay, parents...
12点再来接孩子吧 Oh! We'll see you at 12:00.
稳住 All right. Mm!
这时候眼泪就开始止不住了 This is when the crying starts.
有停止的时候吗 Does it ever stop?
别这样 小卡 Come on, Cam.
莉莉 我的宝贝 Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie?
我知道离别总是伤人心 I know this is gonna be difficult--
再见 Bye!
好吧 真是一刀直戳我心 Okay. That was a knife to the heart.
别 这是好事 别这样 No, it's--it's a good thing. Come on.
糟了 她忘了拿零食 Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack. Oh.
她去哪儿了 Where'd she go?
好疼 好疼 Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!
莉莉宝贝 Oh, Lily, honey!
宝贝 过来 快过来 Sweetheart, come here. Come here.
你再把你那小脏手伸向我女儿 If you ever put your hands on my daughter again,
我就把你倒栽葱挂在旗杆上 I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole,
让鸟活生生啄出你的眼珠子来 and let the birds peck out your eyes.
你听懂了吗 You understand?
塔克先生 把那孩子放下来 Mr. Tucker, put that boy down!
他拉了我女儿的头发 He pulled my daughter's hair.
请你向康纳道歉 Please apologize to Connor
因为你动了手 而非动口 for using your hands instead of your words.
对不起了 小家伙 Sorry, little fella.
请你们到我办公室来 I would like to see you in my office. Right.
-现在就来 -我也要去吗 - Now, please. - Me, too? Oh.
够了 别惹他了 Stop it. Leave him alone.
塔克先生 刚才的事是不可接受的 Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable.
我同意 这是幼儿园还是饥饿游戏啊 I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The hunger games"?
我说的是你的行为 I'm speaking of your behavior.
我们从没遇到这种事 We've never had an incident like this,
现在开学第一天就发生了 and now we've had one on the first day,
还没到班级集合时间呢 Before circle time.
你们到底在想什么 What the fudge were you thinking?
现在这孩子的家长也来了 相信我 Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me,
她们简直是愤怒的凯蒂猫 they're mad as hello kitty.
你向他家长告状啦 Oh, you told his parents on us?
这实在 太不够意思了 That is--that is so not cool.
我相信一旦他们听到自己儿子的所为 Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did,
他们也会理解的 they will be understanding.
哪个吃了雄心豹子胆 All right, whoever made our son cry
敢惹我们家宝贝儿子 has messed with the wrong moms.
拉拉们 Lesbians.
虽然基佬和拉拉常被人扯在一堆 While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians
但实际我们之间并无什么交集 have less in common than one might think.
就好比性取向的交集图 Like in the Venn Diagram of sexual identity,
我是基佬 You have gay men...
我是直男 And straight men.
我们性别一样 Both the same gender.
我是基佬 Then you have gay men...
我是直女 And straight women.
我们都爱男人 Both attracted to the same gender.
可基佬和拉拉们呢 But gay men and lesbians?
不行 No.
毫无交集 Nothing.
抱歉以这种方式和你们见面 I am so sorry we have to meet like this,
但我想同为家长 你们可以理解 but I'm sure you can understand, as parents,
保护自己孩子的那种本能 the instinct to protect your child.
是啊 所以我想一拳狠狠砸在你脖子上 Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now.
哇 我终于明白你儿子的暴力倾向源自何处了 Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression.
好了 二位都消消火吧 Okay, let's all take a time-out.
真是个好主意 战火烧得有点大 That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated.
是啊 帕姆 Yeah, Pam,
别又闹出上次在木材场那样的事故 we don't want another incident like at the lumberyard.
天啊 你们也去木材场啊 Oh, my god. You guys go to the lumberyard, too? D--
我不知道那儿也办"女士之夜"呢 I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
不是说"木材场酒吧" 蠢蛋 Not the bar, sally.
其实 他是想友善示好 Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice,
你却叫他蠢蛋 And you just called him "Sally."
是啊 你简直是越帮越乱 小甜心 Yeah, you're not being very helpful, peppermint patty.
好吧 我们就叫真名好吗 Okay. Let's just stick to our actual names.
够了 Enough.
我要给你们分配一项家庭作业 I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment.
我希望你们和孩子们一起来个家庭欢聚会 I want you and your kids to have a family playdate.
如果你们四个可以和睦相处 Maybe if the four of you can get along,
也可以为孩子们树立个好榜样 You can set a better example for your children.
我觉得那是个好主意 帕姆 I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?
-好吧 -小卡 - Fine. - Cam?
好吧 不过显然是由我们来主持 Fine. We'll host, obviously.
"显然"吗 "Obviously"?
我猜想你们家一定还有木工活没做完吧 I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.
你真是胆大 出言放肆 You've got a lot of nerve.
是啊 你做了半个独木舟还在我们家客厅里呢 Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room.
我很期待尝尝你们做的馅饼 I look forward to your frittata.
那么老套的东西 你当现在是2008年啊 Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?
老天啊 Oh, my god.
你得好好解释一下为什么生个黑娃了 You have some explaining to do.
我很抱歉娃出生了你才发现我的奸情 杰 I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay.
哇 你肚子那么大了 怀孕挺久了吧 Wow, you two are really far along.
我们才刚刚处于怀孕前三个月 We're, uh, we're still in our first trimester.
真好 Ay, that's nice.
是啊 我们多年来一直都在努力生个孩子 Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages.
她是拉丁人 随便弄弄就怀孕了 She's Latina. You just gotta look at her funny.
好了 现在大家手上都有娃娃了 Okay, now that everyone has their doll,
我们先来讲一下怎么包孩子 Let's talk about swaddling.
首先 你们要把毯子的一角 Now you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket
折向自己 折个菱形 toward you, like a diamond,
从上面折起来 And folding the top down,
就像这样 Like this.
我觉得医院把我们的孩子搞错了 I think they made a mistake at the hospital.
全教室的人都没笑点 Tough room.
然后将另外一个角折过来 Now we are going to pull the other corner 'round,
整齐服帖地掖到一起 And tuck it in nice and snug
就像玉米煎饼一样 Like a burrito.
完成 我胜了 Done! I win.
这不是比赛 It's not a race.
你说得太对了 跟比赛差远了 You're darn right. It wasn't even close.
好吧 你包得不错 但有点太紧了 Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight.
是你说玉米煎饼的啊 不能让里面的肉掉出来 It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out.
看着 像这样 Here. And try like this.
瞧见了吗 And see?
现在你们的宝宝可以呼吸了 Now your baby can breathe.
我一手开车 一手都能将我儿子包好 I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick.
我很清楚该怎样保证宝宝的安全 I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
天啊 我真喜欢重归宿舍的感觉 Man, I love being back in the dorms.
就像我从未离开过 It's like I never left.
贴张大卫·科波菲尔的海报 Throw up a David Copperfield poster,
简直就跟我的宿舍一模一样 this could be my room.
亲爱的 我陪海莉去填一些文件 Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out some paperwork.
你就把亚麻衣服放床上吧 Why don't you throw the linens on the bed?
-然后把车挪个位置 别被拖走了 -好 - Oh, and move the car before they tow us. - Okay.
老天啊 你那T恤是怎么回事 Oh, my god. What is that shirt?!
超有爱的吧 海莉·邓菲搬家公司 Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy moving co."
因为我们要把你"搬"到这里 上面也是 'cause we're moving you here and here.
还有... And also...
心里 Here.
女儿 以前你可喜欢拉着我们的手荡秋千了 Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that.
我觉得现在还是可以做的吧 I bet we could still do it.
-是啊 -是啊 - Yeah! - Yeah.
噢不不不不 Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
你们敢来拉我 还有 赶快把那衣服脱了 Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off.
-什么 为什么 -多有爱啊 - What? Why? - It's cute!
一点都没有爱 你没看见现在的状况吗 It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there?
大家都转来转去互相吐槽鄙视 People are walking around and judging each other.
不 才没有呢 No, they're not.
是吗 Oh, really?
你们没看见 You didn't see the way
大厅对面向我投来的各种淫邪眼光吗 muffin top across the hall was looking at me?
大学生的嘴是很恶毒的 赶紧脱下来 People can be cruel. So take it off.
好吧 Fine.
天啊 快把衣服穿上 Oh, my god! Put on a shirt!
我不知道你到底想让我搞哪样 I don't know what you want from me!
第一印象一旦定下就无法更改 "You only get one chance at a first impression.
我建议模仿厨神茱莉亚 因为那很简单 I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy to do."
"留着内脏别扔" "Save the giblets."
该去沙滩了 Time to go to the beach!
你想带着狗去沙滩吗 You're gonna go to the beach with a dog?
我真不知道我干了什么好事 I don't know what I did
-得到这样一个好孩子 -是啊 - to deserve this. - Yeah.
我想带康纳去看我的玩具 I want to show Connor my toys.
好啊 去吧 宝贝 Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie.
嘿 康纳 别再扯人家头发了 Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling.
谢谢你 Thank you for that.
好了 我做了各种春卷 Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here.
都是素馅的 当然了 All vegetarian, of course.
因为我是拉拉 我就肯定是个素食主义者吗 Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian?
我在《拉字至上》那部剧中看到的 Well, I saw it on "The L word."
人家编剧也不是乱编的吧 I assume they have consultants.
我想说 那是世人对拉拉冒犯性的刻板印象 I'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype.
够了 帕姆 你确实是素食主义者啊 Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.
别装了吧 Knock it off.
碰对了 Worked out.
是啊 真高兴我们可以这样和睦地相处 Yeah. So glad that we are doing this.
-是啊 我也是 -是啊 - Yeah. Yeah, me, too. - Yeah.
我们是班里唯一的同性恋家长 I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class.
是啊 我们该互相支持才对 Yeah, we should be supporting one another.
我是说 我们有那么多共同点 I mean, we have so much in common.
就是啊 Exactly.
所以 So...
介绍一下你们自己吧 Tell us about yourselves.
我是个环保法律师 I'm an environmental lawyer.
我是个家庭主夫 Uh, and I'm a homemaker.
你 你们是干什么的 And--and, uh, and what do you do?
我是个理财顾问 I'm a financial consultant.
我是个承包商 I'm a contractor.
你以为我是个体育老师吗 You thought I was a P.E. teacher?
猜的 Well, figured.
我有个小问题要问 Hey, I have a question real quick.
你们是怎么把儿童座椅绑上摩托车的 How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle?
话说 康纳的生日会就在下周 Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week.
不知道莉莉愿不愿意去 Maybe Lily would like to come.
她一定非常乐意 Oh, she would love that.
真好 你们要请小丑吗 Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
天啊 当然不要 Oh, god, no.
我最讨厌小丑了 慎得慌 I hate clowns they're so creepy.
你不喜欢或许是因为他们会化妆吧 Maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup.
算了 我走了 You know what? I'm out.
-好吧 -帕姆 - Okay. - Pam.
康纳 我们要走了 Connor, we're leaving!
-你误会了 -帕姆 帕姆 - You--you don't understand. - Pam! Pam!
小卡曾经是个小丑 Cam used to be a clown.
曾经吗 一日为小丑 终身为小丑 "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown.
天啊 别现在发作 别挑现在 God! Not now! Not now!
康纳 我们走了 Connor, let's go.
帕姆 Pam.
为什么门是锁着的 Why is this door locked?
过来 让我来 Here. Let me, please.
莉莉 立刻把门打开 Lily, open this door right now.
好吧 里面一点声音都没有 Okay. I'm not hearing anything.
我确定他们平安无事的 I'm sure they're fine.
你怎么确定的 Oh, how are you sure?
康纳 Connor!
-莉莉 -康纳 - Lily! - Connor!
莉莉 Lily!
将水温调到舒适的温度 Make the water comfortably warm
最多90-100华氏度 90 to 100 degrees max.
千万别将宝宝一个人放在澡盆里 And never leave the tub unsupervised.
你们有什么好笑的事要跟全班人分享一下吗 Is there something you two want to share with the class?
没有 是下流的笑话 No. It's dirty.
不好意思 你们不学我们还想学呢 Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.
别太担心 宝宝们是很强悍的 Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think.
我5岁的时候 我的保姆是只山羊 When I was 5 years old, my babysitter was a goat.
什么 What?
别惊讶 我跟你说过洛佩的啊 Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
你从来没说她是只山羊 You never said she was a goat.
其实 班里能有一对 You know, it's great that we have
有经验的父母是件好事 a couple of experienced parents in the class.
或许你们可以和大家分享一下你们的育儿经 Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us.
必须的 又不是造火箭那种高科技 Absolutely. It's not rocket science.
不就是宝宝嘛 饿了 你就喂 It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em.
他们出牙的时候 就喂他们喝苏格兰酒 They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
苏格兰酒 Scotch?
真的吗 当真吗 Really? Are you serious?
怎么了 What?
然后我们就离开了 So we left.
我可不需要那个人来教导我 I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.
而我突然想去吃玉米煎饼了 And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.
请允许我"进入"你学生般的娇嫩身体 I'd like admission to your student body.
噢 老天啊 Oh, my goodness!
我很抱歉 我以为你是我妻子 I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife.
发生什么事了 What's going on?
他抓了我 而且说 He grabbed me and said--
我以为你是我老婆 我老婆经常健身的 I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot.
老爸 Dad?
他怎么抓你的 How'd he grab you?
他捏了我的屁股 He squeezed my butt.
他什么 He what?
-菲尔 -我以为那是你 - Phil! - I thought it was you!
相信我 先生 我是个受人尊敬的房产中介 Believe me, sir. I'm a respected realtor.
我绝对是无心之过 This is an innocent mistake.
亲爱的 转过去 让他看看你的屁股 Honey, turn around and show him your--your butt.
-简直让人不可思议 -爸 - It--it's uncanny. - Dad.
我很正常的 千万别认为上梁不正下梁歪 I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.
那是你的小马床单吗 Are those your my little pony sheets?
什么 不 What? No!
我在网上淘的 I ordered them online.
肯定是发错了图案 非常抱歉 They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.
直接从箱子里拿出来的 That's what was in the box.
好吧 Okay.
我澄清下 我是个受人尊敬的房产中介 Uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor.
那些不是我的安全套 Those are not my condoms.
她买的 She bought 'em.
我的天 Oh, my god.
很显然 如今的家长就会这么做 Apparently, that's what people do these days--
给自己的孩子买安全套 Buy condoms for their kids.
我上大学的时候 When I went to college,
我爸妈给我买的是单车安全头盔 my parents bought me a bicycle helmet.
那是他们对安全的概念 That was their idea of safety.
显然不需要安全套 Certainly didn't need condoms.
你戴着单车安全头盔 Mm, not if you were wearing
在校园里溜达当然用不上安全套了 对吗 a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. Am I right?
你们先收拾好吧 Why don't we let you guys finish,
我们等下再来 and we'll come back later?
好的 Okay.
就这样 Yeah.
好 Yep.
好 这主意好 Yeah, that sounds good.
周末家长活动时见啦 See you on parents weekend!
他们看起来不错哦 They seem nice.
-爸妈 我 -我知道 我知道 - Guys, I-- - I know. I know.
我们需要重新整理下 Look, we need to reorganize a little.
你爸出去买新的床单 Your dad will go out and get us some new sheets.
我们可以把照片挂在墙上 You and I can hang up all the pictures on the walls.
知道吗 我觉得你们最好还是离开 You know what? I think it's best if you guys get going.
但我们想帮你 亲爱的 But we--we wanted to help you, sweetie.
不 我可以的 No, I got it.
如果你想把家具挪个地方呢 W-what if you wanna move the furniture around?
我们想在离开前带你去吃晚餐 And we were gonna take you to dinner before we left.
我喜欢家具现在的摆放位置 而且我也不饿 I like the furniture where it is, and I'm not hungry.
所以... So...
-好的 -好吧 - Okay. - Okay.
那个 在我们离开前 Um, well, uh, before we leave,
我要送你一样小礼物 I wanted to give you a little present.
其实不是什么小礼物 It's actually not a little present.
有可能是你这辈子收到的最好礼物 It's probably the best present you're ever gonna get.
-这是我的人生感悟精选集 -多谢 - It's a collection of all the things I've learned-- - Thanks.
请注意 Attention.
宿舍会议在公共休息室举行 Dorm meeting in the common room.
好啦 Okay, so...
我要去开会了 I better go.
-我知道 -去吧 - I know. - Okay.
过来抱抱 我的宝贝女儿 Okay, come here. That's my girl.
-给老爸抱下 -好 - Let me get in there. - Okay.
-好啦 -拜 - All right. - Bye!
拜 Bye.
作为人来说可以遇到的最美妙的事情 "The most amazing things that can happen to a human being
你也会遇到 will happen to you
只要你降低期望值 if you just lower your expectations."
他们把锁孔也挡住了 Oh, they've got something over the hole.
-莉莉 -康纳 - Lily! - Connor!
从外面什么也看不见 We can't see anything from outside.
窗帘关上了 The curtains are closed.
开门 康纳 开门了就给你吃热狗 Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot dog!
如果他们出了事怎么办 What if something happened to them?
里面有没有什么危险物品 What kind of hazards do you keep in there?
我想想 我们在里面放着枪支收藏 Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection,
我们家的废弃冰箱 our abandoned refrigerator,
还有涂满巧克力的皮下注射针 and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles.
为什么基佬说话总是冷嘲热讽的 Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
那是我的应对机制 It's my coping mechanism!
够了 Okay, that's it!
莉莉 康纳 如果你们能听到 Lily, Connor, if you can hear me,
离门远一点 我要撞门了 back away from the door. I'm gonna break it down.
我来帮你 I'll help you.
我不要康纳走 I don't want Connor to go!
我要留下 I wanna stay!
谢天谢地他们还活着 Oh, thank god they're alive!
我爱他 I love him!
不 你只是喜欢这个想法 快开门 宝贝 No, you love the idea of him. Now open this door, sweetie.
我们真的可以吃热狗吗 Can we really have hot dogs?
是的 我保证 Yes, we promise.
快过来 小甜心 Oh! Come here, sweetheart.
要我说 If you ask me...
有时候我们太过关注于我们的差异 Sometimes we get so hang up on our differences.
我们忘记了彼此最大的共同点 We forget there's one thing that we have in common.
当涉及到我们孩子的安全与幸福时 When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children,
我们都会变成疯子 we're all a little bit nuts.
你的纤纤小玉手和你的女儿一样 You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter.
你的大脚丫子跟我爸一样 You have boots like my dad.
我又没说那只山羊哄我睡觉给我刷牙 I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep or brushed my teeth.
它只是待在我的卧室窗户外面 It just stayed outside my bedroom window
吓跑所有的陌生人 and scared all the strangers away.
我不打算说谎 我有点失望 Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed.
嘿 孩子 Hey, kid!
杰 妈 课上得怎么样 Jay, mom, how was class?
非常棒 非常有教育意义 It was great. It was very educating and--
现在我们了解了关于宝宝的一切 对吗 And now we know everything about the baby, no?
有意思 因为你们的老师打电话来 Interesting, because your teacher called,
你离开时忘了拿太阳镜 and you forgot your sunglasses when you left...
三小时之前 Three hours early.
曼尼 别生气 Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
我没生气 只是失望而已 I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
我讨厌这样 他尖叫我还好受些 I hate this. I prefer when he screams.
曼尼 没什么大不了的 Manny, it's no big deal.
他们教的我们都已经知道了 They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know.
马上就有宝宝要出世了 We're going to have a baby.
难道只有我一个人害怕吗 Am I the only one who's terrified?
为什么呢 But why?
你为什么这么害怕呢 Why are you so terrified?
如果宝宝不知道不该拿刀 What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives
或是把手指插进了电插孔怎么办 or stick its finger in an electric socket?
你是个很马虎的人 妈 You were pretty lax, mom.
是我告诉你 I was the one who told you
把水壶手柄转向炉子 to turn the pot handles towards the stove
这样我就够不着了 so I couldn't reach them.
曼尼 我不操心这些事情 Manny, I didn't worry about those things
因为有你替我们两个操心 because you worried for the both of us.
如果这个宝宝考虑事情不周全呢 What if this baby doesn't think things through?
有杰的遗传在里面 It's part Jay.
就当你没伤到我吧 No offense taken.
如果宝宝和你不一样 那我们的表现也会不一样 If the baby's different, we'll be different.
听我说 Hey.
你成长的时候 When you were growing up,
必须身兼家里的顶梁柱与小孩两个角色 you had to be the man of the house and the kid.
现在有我 你只要做小孩就行了 Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid.
我不会让宝宝出任何事 I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby,
就好像我永远不会让你出任何事一样 just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you.
好吗 Okay?
好吧 真是松了口气 Okay. That is a load off.
不过上周探戈课结束后 你们可是忘了接我 Although you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class.
我们没忘 我们只是迟了十分钟 We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes late.
在不安全社区十分钟可是一段漫长的时间 Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood.
得了 教室旁边是"金宝贝早教中心" Please. It was between a gymboree
和"陶瓷大谷仓" and a pottery barn.
舞到脚痛 "Dance until your feet hurt.
唱到肺痛 Sing until your lungs hurt.
演到莎翁附体 心痛无比 Act until you're william hurt."
你怎么样 还好吗 How you doing? Are you okay?
还好 我... Yeah. No, I'm...
我很好 你呢 I'm--I'm--I'm good. You?
我还好 没事 Fine. Yeah.
很好 Great.
要有鹦鹉学舌的精神 "Take a lesson from parakeets.
如果你感觉孤单 If you're ever feeling lonely,
就在镜子前吃饭吧 Just eat in front of a mirror."
永远不要害怕摘星星 "Never be afraid to reach for the stars,
因为就算你跌下来 because even if you fall,
你永远有"父母牌降落伞"防身 you'll always be wearing a parent-chute."
[parachute降落伞 音近parent父母]
注册专利 TM."
海莉 亲爱的 你好吗 Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
很好 Yeah.
你们在哪里 Where are you guys?
快到家了 宝贝 Almost home, honey.
爸 我真的很喜欢那本书 Dad, I really like that book.
真的吗 You do?
小甜心 一切都好吗 Sweetheart, is everything okay?
很好 我只是想感谢你们所做的一切 Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for everything,
今天 还有以前的一切 you know, today and stuff.
客气什么 O-of course.
-应该的 -不用谢 如果你有任何的需要 - Sure. - Of course. If--if you need anything at all...
打电话给我们就行 You just call us.
我可能很快需要更多的安全套 I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
不好笑 Not funny.
我会给你寄爱心熊床单过去 I'm sending you some care bear sheets.
总之 Anyway,
我得挂了 明早7点有新生入学会 I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7:00 a.m.
祝你好运 宝贝 G-good luck with that, sweetie.
我爱你们 I love you, guys.
我们也爱你 亲爱的 We love you, too, honey.
非常爱 So, so much.
拜 Bye.
拜 海莉 Bye, Haley.
我会想你们的 I'll miss you.
结婚要找看起来性感与失望并存的人 "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed."
明白不 See?
年老的黑人女性做的冰茶最好喝 "Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
成功来自于1%的灵感 "Success is 1% inspiration,
98%的努力 98% perspiration,
以及2%对细节的注意 and 2% attention to detail."
通过一个人的自传 你可以很好地了解他 "You can tell a lot about a person from his biography."
一天至少看一次日出 "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
如果你爱着什么 给它自由 "If you love something, set it free,
除非它是只老虎 unless it's a tiger."
如果你碰到塞车 "If you're ever in jam,
两嘴嘟起在鼻子下夹支蜡笔 a crayon scrunched up under your nose
就是一撇完美的假胡子 makes a good pretend mustache."
生活给了你甜甜的柠檬水 "When life gives you lemonade,
[原文是生活给了你酸柠檬 你就把它变成柠檬水 意为不怕困难苦中作甜]
你就把它变成酸酸的柠檬 make lemons.
生活就会大吃一惊说 你搞毛啊 Life will be all like, 'what?!'"