各位安靜一下 聽我簡單說幾句 Can I get everybody's attension. Real quick.
在這個美好的日子里 Um, on this wonderful occasion--
我們的女兒明日即將離家進入大學 Our daughter leaving tomorrow for college...
請各位一起舉杯 If I could get everyone to raise their glass.
容我引用我國一位偉大的父親 As I quote from one of our nation's great fathers--
[國父/前總統托馬斯·杰斐遜]
杰斐遜 Jefferson.
[美劇《杰弗遜一家》中的黑人父親]
喬治·杰斐遜 George Jefferson.
我沒想到我的孩子 "I never dreamed that one of my own
有朝一日會進入大學 "would be going off to a university,
但今天我作為一個自豪的黑人 "but here I stand, a proud black man,
明白我耗費在干洗機上的日日夜夜 knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner--"
[維茲是劇中喬治的太太]
-菲爾 -別打岔 維茲 - Phil. - Not now, Weezie.
我說到哪兒了 Where was I?
你在引用杰弗遜"總統"的話 Quoting that president.
如果她也算是美國的未來 Okay, if she's the future of America,
我們還是趕緊用人民幣吧 we should start using Chinese money now.
我們早就在花中國人的錢了 We already are.
我手都舉酸了 祝賀海莉 My arm is tired. To Haley.
祝賀海莉 To Haley!
在各位放下杯子以前 And before everyone puts their glasses down,
我們也有莉莉的喜事宣布 uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily.
明天是她第一次上幼兒園的日子 Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten.
-祝賀莉莉 -莉莉 - To Lily. - Oh, Lily.
祝賀莉莉 你們要知道 To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know
她會是全班最聰明的小姑娘 that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there.
莉莉寶貝 64的平方根是幾 Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64?
8 8.
好厲害啊 Wow. Hey!
真狡猾 Nice trick.
莉莉 土豆的平方根是幾 Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato?
8 8.
恭喜你們 養出只大鸚鵡來 Congratulations. You have a parrot.
海莉的祝酒詞還沒結束 We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley
你就讓莉莉來搶風頭了 before you pulled focus to Lily.
拜托 今天是她們倆的大日子好嗎 Oh, come on. It's--it's a big day for both of them. Huh?
海莉能進大學是奇跡 Haley going to college is a miracle.
你家莉莉進幼兒園是法律強制規定 Lily going to kindergarten is the law.
海莉和莉莉不是唯一開始上學的人 Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school.
我媽和杰要去上育兒班了 My mom and jay are going to parenting class.
我們是為了寶寶才去的 We're doing it for the baby.
不是她肚子里這個 是那個活"寶" Not this baby. That baby.
曼尼不相信我們能盡好父母之職 Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing.
咯吱窩的毛剛長出幾根 A couple of new hairs under his arm,
他就覺得自己比他媽懂得多了 and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.
我至少懂得不去 I know not to embarrass my son
羞辱兒子青春期的正常發育現象 as he stands on the threshold of manhood.
我干嘛非要去上那個課 I don't know why I have to go to this thing.
你們應該記得 我帶大了兩個孩子 In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.
別拉我的頭發 Stop pulling my hair.
-別擰我的奶頭 -閉嘴閉嘴 - Stop twisting my nipple. Ow! - Shut up. Shut up.
看我干嘛 都是他們老媽的錯 Why look at me? It was their mother's fault.
我基本就不在家 I was barely around.
好疼 No! Ow, ow!
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翻譯：貓中之王 Ethan-澤生 獨醉
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時間軸：菜六水 校對：伊森·D·澤生 后期&總監：瓜瓜
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摩 登
家 庭
第四季 第二集
海莉 你這些化妝用品 Haley, this is, like, the third bag
和護發器材都裝滿第三箱了 of makeup and hair care products.
爸 要想得高分 就得靠臉蛋 Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute.
別吐我的槽 Don't say a word.
不 我同意你那句話的前提條件 No. No. I agree with that premise.
謝謝啊 等一下 Thank you. Wait.
好吧 謝謝你 Yeah, thank you.
克萊爾 Claire.
海莉的行李里有一盒保險套 In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
是的 是我買給她的 Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
什么 你怎么不直接給她買雙漁網襪 What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings
再加套護士制服裝呢 and a nurse's outfit?
我不是制服控 只是腦海突然冒出了這畫面 Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head.
親愛的 她已成年了 又將去上大學 Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college.
我必須現實一些 I want to be realistic.
我不希望她"套到用時方恨少" I don't want her to get caught unprepared.
24個套套 你這是準備了4年份嗎 24 times? What, are you buying her a 4-year supply?
拜托 菲爾 這才夠我 Please. Phil, that would've lasted me
和我大學男友來一次長時間的 and my college boyfriend, like, a long--
不聽不聽不聽 La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
好 我們該走了 Okay, we gotta hit the road.
你們姐妹倆擁抱再見吧 Give your sister a hug good-bye.
別把房間弄得太書呆氣了 Don't dork up our room.
別在大學里和同學睡成一片 Don't slut up your college.
說真的 別太努力學習了 Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?
我會玩得很開心的 I'm totally going to have fun.
我在模擬聯合國中代表冰島呢 I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
媽 我們要失去她了 Mom, we're gonna lose her.
我會盡力阻止的 I am doing my best.
盧克 過來和姐姐說再見 Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.
我來了 I'm right here.
再見海莉 玩得開心點 Bye, Haley. Have fun.
別喝太多啤酒和龍舌蘭 Don't drink too much beer and shots of tequila.
你帶著面具干什么 Why are you wearing that mask?
我喜歡 Uh, I like it.
他是不想讓你看到他流淚 He doesn't want you to see him cry.
他用面具罩住了自己的情緒 He's literally masking his emotions.
不是的 No!
-真感人 -過來 - That's so sweet. - Come here.
沒什么感人的 我是邪惡電子人 It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg.
半邊臉都在工業事故中燒毀了 Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident,
面具是用來掩飾讓我的發聲設備的 and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.
是的 海莉離家我很難過 Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving,
但我很放心 因為我已經盡了一切努力 but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can
讓她萬事俱備 即將邁出自立的第一步 to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot.
我沒有 我們在宿舍向她道別的一刻 Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye,
將是我人生中最激動的時刻之一 it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life.
我會比第一次看《神犬巴迪》哭得還厲害 I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw "Air bud"...
尤其是在我交給她這個時 Especially when I give her this.
《菲爾之道》 "Phil's-osophy."
我畢生總結出的人生道理精裝版 A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned,
比如 such as...
"永遠直視對方的雙眼 "Always look people in the eye,
哪怕對方是盲人" "even if they're blind.
告訴他們 我正看著你的雙眼 Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'"
或者 Or...
"如果你因超速被攔住 "If you get pulled over for speeding,
告訴警察你同伴有拉肚之急" tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea."
《菲爾之道》 Phil's-osophy.
看看這里多好玩啊 莉莉 Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily.
這么多好玩的玩具 So many great toys to play with,
你會交到好多朋友的 and you're gonna make so many new friends.
真希望我再讀一次幼兒園 Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
我可不要 我說過大衛·安東尼的事沒 Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about David Anthony?
他以前叫我"肉卡" He used to call me "Cam the ham."
-今天的主角是莉莉 -你說得對 - Okay, Lily's day. - Yeah, you're right.
知道嗎 你今天一定會很開心 You know what? It's gonna be a great day.
不過 名字和"火腿肉"押韻 I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up
成長過程就比較艱辛 with a name that rhymes with "ham."
是嗎 米奇 巫氣 抽泣 Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.
賤器 Bitch.
伊萊恩·斯特里奇 Elaine Stritch.
什么 What?
不是只有直男才欺負人 Not all bullies are straight.
好了 各位家長 Okay, parents...
12點再來接孩子吧 Oh! We'll see you at 12:00.
穩住 All right. Mm!
這時候眼淚就開始止不住了 This is when the crying starts.
有停止的時候嗎 Does it ever stop?
別這樣 小卡 Come on, Cam.
莉莉 我的寶貝 Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie?
我知道離別總是傷人心 I know this is gonna be difficult--
再見 Bye!
好吧 真是一刀直戳我心 Okay. That was a knife to the heart.
別 這是好事 別這樣 No, it's--it's a good thing. Come on.
糟了 她忘了拿零食 Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack. Oh.
她去哪兒了 Where'd she go?
好疼 好疼 Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!
莉莉寶貝 Oh, Lily, honey!
寶貝 過來 快過來 Sweetheart, come here. Come here.
你再把你那小臟手伸向我女兒 If you ever put your hands on my daughter again,
我就把你倒栽蔥掛在旗桿上 I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole,
讓鳥活生生啄出你的眼珠子來 and let the birds peck out your eyes.
你聽懂了嗎 You understand?
塔克先生 把那孩子放下來 Mr. Tucker, put that boy down!
他拉了我女兒的頭發 He pulled my daughter's hair.
請你向康納道歉 Please apologize to Connor
因為你動了手 而非動口 for using your hands instead of your words.
對不起了 小家伙 Sorry, little fella.
請你們到我辦公室來 I would like to see you in my office. Right.
-現在就來 -我也要去嗎 - Now, please. - Me, too? Oh.
夠了 別惹他了 Stop it. Leave him alone.
塔克先生 剛才的事是不可接受的 Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable.
我同意 這是幼兒園還是饑餓游戲啊 I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The hunger games"?
我說的是你的行為 I'm speaking of your behavior.
我們從沒遇到這種事 We've never had an incident like this,
現在開學第一天就發生了 and now we've had one on the first day,
還沒到班級集合時間呢 Before circle time.
你們到底在想什么 What the fudge were you thinking?
現在這孩子的家長也來了 相信我 Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me,
她們簡直是憤怒的凱蒂貓 they're mad as hello kitty.
你向他家長告狀啦 Oh, you told his parents on us?
這實在 太不夠意思了 That is--that is so not cool.
我相信一旦他們聽到自己兒子的所為 Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did,
他們也會理解的 they will be understanding.
哪個吃了雄心豹子膽 All right, whoever made our son cry
敢惹我們家寶貝兒子 has messed with the wrong moms.
拉拉們 Lesbians.
雖然基佬和拉拉常被人扯在一堆 While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians
但實際我們之間并無什么交集 have less in common than one might think.
就好比性取向的交集圖 Like in the Venn Diagram of sexual identity,
我是基佬 You have gay men...
我是直男 And straight men.
我們性別一樣 Both the same gender.
我是基佬 Then you have gay men...
我是直女 And straight women.
我們都愛男人 Both attracted to the same gender.
可基佬和拉拉們呢 But gay men and lesbians?
不行 No.
毫無交集 Nothing.
抱歉以這種方式和你們見面 I am so sorry we have to meet like this,
但我想同為家長 你們可以理解 but I'm sure you can understand, as parents,
保護自己孩子的那種本能 the instinct to protect your child.
是啊 所以我想一拳狠狠砸在你脖子上 Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now.
哇 我終于明白你兒子的暴力傾向源自何處了 Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression.
好了 二位都消消火吧 Okay, let's all take a time-out.
真是個好主意 戰火燒得有點大 That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated.
是啊 帕姆 Yeah, Pam,
別又鬧出上次在木材場那樣的事故 we don't want another incident like at the lumberyard.
天啊 你們也去木材場啊 Oh, my god. You guys go to the lumberyard, too? D--
我不知道那兒也辦"女士之夜"呢 I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
不是說"木材場酒吧" 蠢蛋 Not the bar, sally.
其實 他是想友善示好 Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice,
你卻叫他蠢蛋 And you just called him "Sally."
是啊 你簡直是越幫越亂 小甜心 Yeah, you're not being very helpful, peppermint patty.
好吧 我們就叫真名好嗎 Okay. Let's just stick to our actual names.
夠了 Enough.
我要給你們分配一項家庭作業 I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment.
我希望你們和孩子們一起來個家庭歡聚會 I want you and your kids to have a family playdate.
如果你們四個可以和睦相處 Maybe if the four of you can get along,
也可以為孩子們樹立個好榜樣 You can set a better example for your children.
我覺得那是個好主意 帕姆 I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?
-好吧 -小卡 - Fine. - Cam?
好吧 不過顯然是由我們來主持 Fine. We'll host, obviously.
"顯然"嗎 "Obviously"?
我猜想你們家一定還有木工活沒做完吧 I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.
你真是膽大 出言放肆 You've got a lot of nerve.
是啊 你做了半個獨木舟還在我們家客廳里呢 Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room.
我很期待嘗嘗你們做的餡餅 I look forward to your frittata.
那么老套的東西 你當現在是2008年啊 Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?
老天啊 Oh, my god.
你得好好解釋一下為什么生個黑娃了 You have some explaining to do.
我很抱歉娃出生了你才發現我的奸情 杰 I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay.
哇 你肚子那么大了 懷孕挺久了吧 Wow, you two are really far along.
我們才剛剛處于懷孕前三個月 We're, uh, we're still in our first trimester.
真好 Ay, that's nice.
是啊 我們多年來一直都在努力生個孩子 Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages.
她是拉丁人 隨便弄弄就懷孕了 She's Latina. You just gotta look at her funny.
好了 現在大家手上都有娃娃了 Okay, now that everyone has their doll,
我們先來講一下怎么包孩子 Let's talk about swaddling.
首先 你們要把毯子的一角 Now you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket
折向自己 折個菱形 toward you, like a diamond,
從上面折起來 And folding the top down,
就像這樣 Like this.
我覺得醫院把我們的孩子搞錯了 I think they made a mistake at the hospital.
全教室的人都沒笑點 Tough room.
然后將另外一個角折過來 Now we are going to pull the other corner 'round,
整齊服帖地掖到一起 And tuck it in nice and snug
就像玉米煎餅一樣 Like a burrito.
完成 我勝了 Done! I win.
這不是比賽 It's not a race.
你說得太對了 跟比賽差遠了 You're darn right. It wasn't even close.
好吧 你包得不錯 但有點太緊了 Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight.
是你說玉米煎餅的啊 不能讓里面的肉掉出來 It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out.
看著 像這樣 Here. And try like this.
瞧見了嗎 And see?
現在你們的寶寶可以呼吸了 Now your baby can breathe.
我一手開車 一手都能將我兒子包好 I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick.
我很清楚該怎樣保證寶寶的安全 I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
天啊 我真喜歡重歸宿舍的感覺 Man, I love being back in the dorms.
就像我從未離開過 It's like I never left.
貼張大衛·科波菲爾的海報 Throw up a David Copperfield poster,
簡直就跟我的宿舍一模一樣 this could be my room.
親愛的 我陪海莉去填一些文件 Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out some paperwork.
你就把亞麻衣服放床上吧 Why don't you throw the linens on the bed?
-然后把車挪個位置 別被拖走了 -好 - Oh, and move the car before they tow us. - Okay.
老天啊 你那T恤是怎么回事 Oh, my god. What is that shirt?!
超有愛的吧 海莉·鄧菲搬家公司 Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy moving co."
因為我們要把你"搬"到這里 上面也是 'cause we're moving you here and here.
還有... And also...
心里 Here.
女兒 以前你可喜歡拉著我們的手蕩秋千了 Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that.
我覺得現在還是可以做的吧 I bet we could still do it.
-是啊 -是啊 - Yeah! - Yeah.
噢不不不不 Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
你們敢來拉我 還有 趕快把那衣服脫了 Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off.
-什么 為什么 -多有愛啊 - What? Why? - It's cute!
一點都沒有愛 你沒看見現在的狀況嗎 It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there?
大家都轉來轉去互相吐槽鄙視 People are walking around and judging each other.
不 才沒有呢 No, they're not.
是嗎 Oh, really?
你們沒看見 You didn't see the way
大廳對面向我投來的各種淫邪眼光嗎 muffin top across the hall was looking at me?
大學生的嘴是很惡毒的 趕緊脫下來 People can be cruel. So take it off.
好吧 Fine.
天啊 快把衣服穿上 Oh, my god! Put on a shirt!
我不知道你到底想讓我搞哪樣 I don't know what you want from me!
第一印象一旦定下就無法更改 "You only get one chance at a first impression.
我建議模仿廚神茱莉亞 因為那很簡單 I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy to do."
"留著內臟別扔" "Save the giblets."
該去沙灘了 Time to go to the beach!
你想帶著狗去沙灘嗎 You're gonna go to the beach with a dog?
我真不知道我干了什么好事 I don't know what I did
-得到這樣一個好孩子 -是啊 - to deserve this. - Yeah.
我想帶康納去看我的玩具 I want to show Connor my toys.
好啊 去吧 寶貝 Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie.
嘿 康納 別再扯人家頭發了 Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling.
謝謝你 Thank you for that.
好了 我做了各種春卷 Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here.
都是素餡的 當然了 All vegetarian, of course.
因為我是拉拉 我就肯定是個素食主義者嗎 Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian?
我在《拉字至上》那部劇中看到的 Well, I saw it on "The L word."
人家編劇也不是亂編的吧 I assume they have consultants.
我想說 那是世人對拉拉冒犯性的刻板印象 I'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype.
夠了 帕姆 你確實是素食主義者啊 Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.
別裝了吧 Knock it off.
碰對了 Worked out.
是啊 真高興我們可以這樣和睦地相處 Yeah. So glad that we are doing this.
-是啊 我也是 -是啊 - Yeah. Yeah, me, too. - Yeah.
我們是班里唯一的同性戀家長 I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class.
是啊 我們該互相支持才對 Yeah, we should be supporting one another.
我是說 我們有那么多共同點 I mean, we have so much in common.
就是啊 Exactly.
所以 So...
介紹一下你們自己吧 Tell us about yourselves.
我是個環保法律師 I'm an environmental lawyer.
我是個家庭主夫 Uh, and I'm a homemaker.
你 你們是干什么的 And--and, uh, and what do you do?
我是個理財顧問 I'm a financial consultant.
我是個承包商 I'm a contractor.
你以為我是個體育老師嗎 You thought I was a P.E. teacher?
猜的 Well, figured.
我有個小問題要問 Hey, I have a question real quick.
你們是怎么把兒童座椅綁上摩托車的 How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle?
話說 康納的生日會就在下周 Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week.
不知道莉莉愿不愿意去 Maybe Lily would like to come.
她一定非常樂意 Oh, she would love that.
真好 你們要請小丑嗎 Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
天啊 當然不要 Oh, god, no.
我最討厭小丑了 慎得慌 I hate clowns they're so creepy.
你不喜歡或許是因為他們會化妝吧 Maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup.
算了 我走了 You know what? I'm out.
-好吧 -帕姆 - Okay. - Pam.
康納 我們要走了 Connor, we're leaving!
-你誤會了 -帕姆 帕姆 - You--you don't understand. - Pam! Pam!
小卡曾經是個小丑 Cam used to be a clown.
曾經嗎 一日為小丑 終身為小丑 "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown.
天啊 別現在發作 別挑現在 God! Not now! Not now!
康納 我們走了 Connor, let's go.
帕姆 Pam.
為什么門是鎖著的 Why is this door locked?
過來 讓我來 Here. Let me, please.
莉莉 立刻把門打開 Lily, open this door right now.
好吧 里面一點聲音都沒有 Okay. I'm not hearing anything.
我確定他們平安無事的 I'm sure they're fine.
你怎么確定的 Oh, how are you sure?
康納 Connor!
-莉莉 -康納 - Lily! - Connor!
莉莉 Lily!
將水溫調到舒適的溫度 Make the water comfortably warm
最多90-100華氏度 90 to 100 degrees max.
千萬別將寶寶一個人放在澡盆里 And never leave the tub unsupervised.
你們有什么好笑的事要跟全班人分享一下嗎 Is there something you two want to share with the class?
沒有 是下流的笑話 No. It's dirty.
不好意思 你們不學我們還想學呢 Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.
別太擔心 寶寶們是很強悍的 Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think.
我5歲的時候 我的保姆是只山羊 When I was 5 years old, my babysitter was a goat.
什么 What?
別驚訝 我跟你說過洛佩的啊 Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
你從來沒說她是只山羊 You never said she was a goat.
其實 班里能有一對 You know, it's great that we have
有經驗的父母是件好事 a couple of experienced parents in the class.
或許你們可以和大家分享一下你們的育兒經 Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us.
必須的 又不是造火箭那種高科技 Absolutely. It's not rocket science.
不就是寶寶嘛 餓了 你就喂 It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em.
他們出牙的時候 就喂他們喝蘇格蘭酒 They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
蘇格蘭酒 Scotch?
真的嗎 當真嗎 Really? Are you serious?
怎么了 What?
然后我們就離開了 So we left.
我可不需要那個人來教導我 I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.
而我突然想去吃玉米煎餅了 And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.
請允許我"進入"你學生般的嬌嫩身體 I'd like admission to your student body.
噢 老天啊 Oh, my goodness!
我很抱歉 我以為你是我妻子 I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife.
發生什么事了 What's going on?
他抓了我 而且說 He grabbed me and said--
我以為你是我老婆 我老婆經常健身的 I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot.
老爸 Dad?
他怎么抓你的 How'd he grab you?
他捏了我的屁股 He squeezed my butt.
他什么 He what?
-菲爾 -我以為那是你 - Phil! - I thought it was you!
相信我 先生 我是個受人尊敬的房產中介 Believe me, sir. I'm a respected realtor.
我絕對是無心之過 This is an innocent mistake.
親愛的 轉過去 讓他看看你的屁股 Honey, turn around and show him your--your butt.
-簡直讓人不可思議 -爸 - It--it's uncanny. - Dad.
我很正常的 千萬別認為上梁不正下梁歪 I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.
那是你的小馬床單嗎 Are those your my little pony sheets?
什么 不 What? No!
我在網上淘的 I ordered them online.
肯定是發錯了圖案 非常抱歉 They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.
直接從箱子里拿出來的 That's what was in the box.
好吧 Okay.
我澄清下 我是個受人尊敬的房產中介 Uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor.
那些不是我的安全套 Those are not my condoms.
她買的 She bought 'em.
我的天 Oh, my god.
很顯然 如今的家長就會這么做 Apparently, that's what people do these days--
給自己的孩子買安全套 Buy condoms for their kids.
我上大學的時候 When I went to college,
我爸媽給我買的是單車安全頭盔 my parents bought me a bicycle helmet.
那是他們對安全的概念 That was their idea of safety.
顯然不需要安全套 Certainly didn't need condoms.
你戴著單車安全頭盔 Mm, not if you were wearing
在校園里溜達當然用不上安全套了 對嗎 a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. Am I right?
你們先收拾好吧 Why don't we let you guys finish,
我們等下再來 and we'll come back later?
好的 Okay.
就這樣 Yeah.
好 Yep.
好 這主意好 Yeah, that sounds good.
周末家長活動時見啦 See you on parents weekend!
他們看起來不錯哦 They seem nice.
-爸媽 我 -我知道 我知道 - Guys, I-- - I know. I know.
我們需要重新整理下 Look, we need to reorganize a little.
你爸出去買新的床單 Your dad will go out and get us some new sheets.
我們可以把照片掛在墻上 You and I can hang up all the pictures on the walls.
知道嗎 我覺得你們最好還是離開 You know what? I think it's best if you guys get going.
但我們想幫你 親愛的 But we--we wanted to help you, sweetie.
不 我可以的 No, I got it.
如果你想把家具挪個地方呢 W-what if you wanna move the furniture around?
我們想在離開前帶你去吃晚餐 And we were gonna take you to dinner before we left.
我喜歡家具現在的擺放位置 而且我也不餓 I like the furniture where it is, and I'm not hungry.
所以... So...
-好的 -好吧 - Okay. - Okay.
那個 在我們離開前 Um, well, uh, before we leave,
我要送你一樣小禮物 I wanted to give you a little present.
其實不是什么小禮物 It's actually not a little present.
有可能是你這輩子收到的最好禮物 It's probably the best present you're ever gonna get.
-這是我的人生感悟精選集 -多謝 - It's a collection of all the things I've learned-- - Thanks.
請注意 Attention.
宿舍會議在公共休息室舉行 Dorm meeting in the common room.
好啦 Okay, so...
我要去開會了 I better go.
-我知道 -去吧 - I know. - Okay.
過來抱抱 我的寶貝女兒 Okay, come here. That's my girl.
-給老爸抱下 -好 - Let me get in there. - Okay.
-好啦 -拜 - All right. - Bye!
拜 Bye.
作為人來說可以遇到的最美妙的事情 "The most amazing things that can happen to a human being
你也會遇到 will happen to you
只要你降低期望值 if you just lower your expectations."
他們把鎖孔也擋住了 Oh, they've got something over the hole.
-莉莉 -康納 - Lily! - Connor!
從外面什么也看不見 We can't see anything from outside.
窗簾關上了 The curtains are closed.
開門 康納 開門了就給你吃熱狗 Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot dog!
如果他們出了事怎么辦 What if something happened to them?
里面有沒有什么危險物品 What kind of hazards do you keep in there?
我想想 我們在里面放著槍支收藏 Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection,
我們家的廢棄冰箱 our abandoned refrigerator,
還有涂滿巧克力的皮下注射針 and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles.
為什么基佬說話總是冷嘲熱諷的 Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
那是我的應對機制 It's my coping mechanism!
夠了 Okay, that's it!
莉莉 康納 如果你們能聽到 Lily, Connor, if you can hear me,
離門遠一點 我要撞門了 back away from the door. I'm gonna break it down.
我來幫你 I'll help you.
我不要康納走 I don't want Connor to go!
我要留下 I wanna stay!
謝天謝地他們還活著 Oh, thank god they're alive!
我愛他 I love him!
不 你只是喜歡這個想法 快開門 寶貝 No, you love the idea of him. Now open this door, sweetie.
我們真的可以吃熱狗嗎 Can we really have hot dogs?
是的 我保證 Yes, we promise.
快過來 小甜心 Oh! Come here, sweetheart.
要我說 If you ask me...
有時候我們太過關注于我們的差異 Sometimes we get so hang up on our differences.
我們忘記了彼此最大的共同點 We forget there's one thing that we have in common.
當涉及到我們孩子的安全與幸福時 When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children,
我們都會變成瘋子 we're all a little bit nuts.
你的纖纖小玉手和你的女兒一樣 You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter.
你的大腳丫子跟我爸一樣 You have boots like my dad.
我又沒說那只山羊哄我睡覺給我刷牙 I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep or brushed my teeth.
它只是待在我的臥室窗戶外面 It just stayed outside my bedroom window
嚇跑所有的陌生人 and scared all the strangers away.
我不打算說謊 我有點失望 Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed.
嘿 孩子 Hey, kid!
杰 媽 課上得怎么樣 Jay, mom, how was class?
非常棒 非常有教育意義 It was great. It was very educating and--
現在我們了解了關于寶寶的一切 對嗎 And now we know everything about the baby, no?
有意思 因為你們的老師打電話來 Interesting, because your teacher called,
你離開時忘了拿太陽鏡 and you forgot your sunglasses when you left...
三小時之前 Three hours early.
曼尼 別生氣 Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
我沒生氣 只是失望而已 I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
我討厭這樣 他尖叫我還好受些 I hate this. I prefer when he screams.
曼尼 沒什么大不了的 Manny, it's no big deal.
他們教的我們都已經知道了 They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know.
馬上就有寶寶要出世了 We're going to have a baby.
難道只有我一個人害怕嗎 Am I the only one who's terrified?
為什么呢 But why?
你為什么這么害怕呢 Why are you so terrified?
如果寶寶不知道不該拿刀 What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives
或是把手指插進了電插孔怎么辦 or stick its finger in an electric socket?
你是個很馬虎的人 媽 You were pretty lax, mom.
是我告訴你 I was the one who told you
把水壺手柄轉向爐子 to turn the pot handles towards the stove
這樣我就夠不著了 so I couldn't reach them.
曼尼 我不操心這些事情 Manny, I didn't worry about those things
因為有你替我們兩個操心 because you worried for the both of us.
如果這個寶寶考慮事情不周全呢 What if this baby doesn't think things through?
有杰的遺傳在里面 It's part Jay.
就當你沒傷到我吧 No offense taken.
如果寶寶和你不一樣 那我們的表現也會不一樣 If the baby's different, we'll be different.
聽我說 Hey.
你成長的時候 When you were growing up,
必須身兼家里的頂梁柱與小孩兩個角色 you had to be the man of the house and the kid.
現在有我 你只要做小孩就行了 Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid.
我不會讓寶寶出任何事 I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby,
就好像我永遠不會讓你出任何事一樣 just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you.
好嗎 Okay?
好吧 真是松了口氣 Okay. That is a load off.
不過上周探戈課結束后 你們可是忘了接我 Although you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class.
我們沒忘 我們只是遲了十分鐘 We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes late.
在不安全社區十分鐘可是一段漫長的時間 Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood.
得了 教室旁邊是"金寶貝早教中心" Please. It was between a gymboree
和"陶瓷大谷倉" and a pottery barn.
舞到腳痛 "Dance until your feet hurt.
唱到肺痛 Sing until your lungs hurt.
演到莎翁附體 心痛無比 Act until you're william hurt."
你怎么樣 還好嗎 How you doing? Are you okay?
還好 我... Yeah. No, I'm...
我很好 你呢 I'm--I'm--I'm good. You?
我還好 沒事 Fine. Yeah.
很好 Great.
要有鸚鵡學舌的精神 "Take a lesson from parakeets.
如果你感覺孤單 If you're ever feeling lonely,
就在鏡子前吃飯吧 Just eat in front of a mirror."
永遠不要害怕摘星星 "Never be afraid to reach for the stars,
因為就算你跌下來 because even if you fall,
你永遠有"父母牌降落傘"防身 you'll always be wearing a parent-chute."
[parachute降落傘 音近parent父母]
注冊專利 TM."
海莉 親愛的 你好嗎 Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
很好 Yeah.
你們在哪里 Where are you guys?
快到家了 寶貝 Almost home, honey.
爸 我真的很喜歡那本書 Dad, I really like that book.
真的嗎 You do?
小甜心 一切都好嗎 Sweetheart, is everything okay?
很好 我只是想感謝你們所做的一切 Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for everything,
今天 還有以前的一切 you know, today and stuff.
客氣什么 O-of course.
-應該的 -不用謝 如果你有任何的需要 - Sure. - Of course. If--if you need anything at all...
打電話給我們就行 You just call us.
我可能很快需要更多的安全套 I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
不好笑 Not funny.
我會給你寄愛心熊床單過去 I'm sending you some care bear sheets.
總之 Anyway,
我得掛了 明早7點有新生入學會 I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7:00 a.m.
祝你好運 寶貝 G-good luck with that, sweetie.
我愛你們 I love you, guys.
我們也愛你 親愛的 We love you, too, honey.
非常愛 So, so much.
拜 Bye.
拜 海莉 Bye, Haley.
我會想你們的 I'll miss you.
結婚要找看起來性感與失望并存的人 "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed."
明白不 See?
年老的黑人女性做的冰茶最好喝 "Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
成功來自于1%的靈感 "Success is 1% inspiration,
98%的努力 98% perspiration,
以及2%對細節的注意 and 2% attention to detail."
通過一個人的自傳 你可以很好地了解他 "You can tell a lot about a person from his biography."
一天至少看一次日出 "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
如果你愛著什么 給它自由 "If you love something, set it free,
除非它是只老虎 unless it's a tiger."
如果你碰到塞車 "If you're ever in jam,
兩嘴嘟起在鼻子下夾支蠟筆 a crayon scrunched up under your nose
就是一撇完美的假胡子 makes a good pretend mustache."
生活給了你甜甜的檸檬水 "When life gives you lemonade,
[原文是生活給了你酸檸檬 你就把它變成檸檬水 意為不怕困難苦中作甜]
你就把它變成酸酸的檸檬 make lemons.
生活就會大吃一驚說 你搞毛啊 Life will be all like, 'what?!'"