吉米 Jimmy.
嘿 伙计 Hey, buddy.
你还好吗 You okay?
早上好 Good morning.
什么还好吗 About what?
老天 昨儿晚上彻底喝高了 God! Absolutely blotto last night.
你不记得我跟你说的事了吗 You... You don't remember what I told you?
不记得 No.
再说一遍吧 But tell me again.
说真的 老兄 Okay, seriously, dude.
我觉得你可能有酗酒问题 I think you might have a drinking problem.
你得去参加一下戒酒互助会什么的 Like, you need to go to church basements and shit.
我的天 好吧 Oh, my God. Okay, um...
我很遗憾 但是... I am... so sorry, but, uh...
亲爱的 你爸爸去世了 Sweetheart, your dad died.
什么 What?
爸爸 Papa?
我的天 Oh, my God.
我懂的 天啊 我很遗憾 I know. Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
我不知道该说什么了 I... I don't know what to say.
你想谈谈这事吗 Do you want to talk about it?
我开玩笑的 我记得很清楚 I was kidding. I totally remembered.
等等 什么 Wait... what?
你知道 You knew?
是啊 你昨晚就告诉我了 Yeah. You told me last night.
刚刚那次口交反悔不了了哦 You're not getting that one back.
我偷了一次 小傻瓜 I stole one, dummy.
吉米 你用不着偷口交 Jimmy! You do not need to steal blow jobs.
是啊 但免费的午餐就是那么美味 ‭Yeah, but you know how amazing free food tastes.
讲真 你还好吗 Seriously, are you okay?
你爸爸去世了 那可是大事 Your dad died. That's a big deal.
没事 我好得很 Yes, I am absolutely fine.
我对此毫无感觉 I feel... nothing about it.
-真的吗 -真的 - Really? ‭- Yeah.
太棒了 Great!
谢天谢地这事终于结束了 Thank God that's over.
你想不想敷一张韩国的面膜 Do you want to do, uh, one of those Korean gel masks?
-不太想 -我这有张超级"黏稠"的 - Not really. - ‭I got a snail one.
敷起来会特别"湿润"哦 It's supposed to be extra goopy.
我做了特制心形煎饼 I made my special heart pancakes,
因为我们爱你 吉米 because we love you, Jimmy.
-我们真的爱你 -这都是些什么破心形 - We really do. - ‭What kind of jank-ass hearts are these?
那个看上去像屁股 That one looks like a butt.
抱歉 我昨晚不太好过 Sorry. It was... it was kind of a rough night.
但是今天下午晚些时候 Uh, but later this afternoon,
我终于要和 I'm finally gonna
退伍军人事务处的主任会谈了 have my consultation with the chief of staff at the VA.
是啊 主任时不时就会找人会谈 Yeah, chiefs'll do that sometimes.
能帮我拿点酱汁 蘸着屁股煎饼吃吗 Can I get some sticky sauce for these pan-butts or what?
我刚刚读了些关于创伤后应激障碍的有趣内容 Do you know, I actually just read something interesting about PTSD?
-是吗 -是啊 我发现在一战的时候 - Oh, yeah? - ‭Yeah, it turns out in World War I,
创伤后应激障碍的官方解释就是"懦弱" the official term for "PTSD" Was "Cowardice,"
-你会因此被枪毙 -是挺有趣 - and you were shot for it. ‭- That is interesting.
你还好吗 吉米 How are you holding up, Jimmy?
我的仓鼠死的时候 My guinea pig died.
我有整整半天 都没心情自插 I couldn't jack off for, like, half a day.
我跟你们说 这是虚惊一场 I'm telling you guys-- false alarm.
他根本就不在乎 He truly doesn't give a shit.
听着 当一段关系 Look, when a relationship
实际上不存在已经有33年 has been virtually non-existent for 33 years,
发生这种事 并不会对你的生活造成重大改变 we're not talking about a major tectonic shift.
一切照旧 Nothing has changed.
我的日常生活中依旧没有 I still have exactly zero off-track bettors
患肠易激综合征的赌马狂 with IBS in my daily life.
我都有点希望我认识更多的死人了 I almost wish I knew more dead people.
我觉得葬礼太他妈性感了 I think funerals are hella sexy.
行了 大家都走吧 我还要工作 All right, everybody out. I have work to do.
等等 Wait!
吉米的爸爸去世了 但他根本不在乎 Jimmy's dad died, and he doesn't care.
-所以呢 -我要生孩子了 - Yes? - ‭I'm going to have a baby.
这是怎么了 琳赛是在思考吗 What's happening? Is Lindsay processing thought?
-别说话 -等我老了 - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. - And when I'm old,
我的孩子会对我的死有所感触 my kid will have a feeling about me dying.
我的天 她真的在思考 Oh, my God, she's doing it.
我希望我死时 我的孩子会为我悲伤 I want my kids to be sad when I die.
-所以呢 -所以我就得做一个好... - Yes? ‭- So I need to be a good... A good...
-她真的要成功了 -一个好... - This is really happening. - A good...
爸爸 dad.
差点就成功了 It almost had it. ‭
我应该去报一个贝卡一直念叨的 I should probably sign up for one of those stupid classes
那什么破班 Becca's always yammering about.
埃德加 埃德加 Edgar? Edgar?
在 怎么了 Uh, yeah. What's up?
今天是重大的写作日 Big writing day ahead of me.
我需要你从英国特产店买来所有 I need you to get all my usual writing snacks
我习惯在写作时吃的零食 from the British specialty store.
虾味薯片 Shrimp-flavored crisps,
瓦伦格牌巧克力甜甜圈 塔塔酱饼干 Wallenger's choco-knockers, tartar biscuits,
以及所有常见的"糖" and then all your standard candies,
莱明顿蛋糕 弗拉芬顿饼 朗姆饼 lemingtons, fluffingtons, rum Christophers,
咸味甘草饼 salted licorice knib knobs.
我没生气 菲利克斯 I'm not mad, Felix.
不 你老是说我生气 No, and when you constantly accuse me of being mad,
否决了我真的对你生气的权利 you deny my right of actually being goddamn mad at you.
不 我不是在对你进行心理分析 好吗 No, I'm not "therapizing" you, all right?
别再那样说了 Stop saying that.
我靠 Holy shit.
我晚点再给你回电话 I-I'll call you later.
还好吗 给我根烟 刚刚是谁啊 What's up? Give me a cigarette. Who was that?
是你那个工装短裤的渣朋友吗 What that your shitty boyfriend with his cargo shorts?
跟你没关系 None of your business.
怎么了 What's going on?
按你的要求 我告诉吉米他爸死了 So, I told Jimmy his dad died, like you told me to,
结果他说他没有感觉 还骗我给他口交 and he said that he feels nothing, and then he stole a beej,
不过这黑招倒是挺损挺有创意的 which is a pretty good heckle, actually.
-有问题吗 -没有 - Is there a question? - ‭Nope.
我只是想告诉你 你错了 I just wanted you to know that you were wrong.
你错了 You were wrong.
吉米当然可以说他没事 Jimmy can say he's fine all he wants,
不过他迟早会为他爸爸的死伤心的 but sooner or later, his dad's death is gonna hit him,
当他伤心的时候 你必须在他身边陪着他 and when it does, you're gonna have to be there for him.
什么时候 我们要去极致巡游了 When? We're going on a rad cruise.
你是说那种情况可能在极致巡游途中发生吗 Are you saying this could come out on the rad cruise?
当然 对 可能会在极致巡游途中发生 Sure. Yes, it could happen on the rad cruise.
极致巡游是什么 What's the rad cruise?
不 我不想知道 我是说我想... No, I don't want to know. I mean, I do want to...
算了 所以你是说 Never mind. ‭So you're telling me
我必须帮他现在就宣泄出来 I need to help him get it all out now,
就像挤痘痘一样 just pop it like a pimple.
不 人的情绪不是那回事 No, that is not how humans work.
没错 我明白了 Yeah, I get it.
让他哭出来 Get him cry.
然后安慰他"没事没事" 到轮子播出时就没事了 Hoo-hoo, there, there, we'll be done by Wheel.
《幸运之轮》节目啊 上学七年 不是吧你 Of Fortune. Seven years in school? Really?
格雷琴 吉米必须经历一个悲伤的过程 Gretchen, Jimmy has got to go through his grieving process.
明白吗 All right?
不会按你的时间安排发生的 It's not gonna happen on your exact schedule.
我要用我的方式来处理 I think I'm gonna do it my way.
谢谢你没帮上任何忙 Thanks for nothing.
你男朋友 逊毙了 Your boyfriend... sucks.
逊毙了 Sucks.
萨蒙的姐妹们和凯蒂懒散地趴在地毯上 Simon's sisters and Kitty sprawled on the carpet,
看着《流行前线》 屁股翘得高高的 watching Top of the Pops, their bums in the air.
萨蒙坐在沙发上 他注意到 From his perch on the coach, Simon noted
辛西娅和帕西变得像猪一样臃肿 that while Cynthia and Patsy had gotten quite porcine,
凯蒂的屁股高高翘起 Kitty's bottom had an almost otherworldly lift,
仿佛因为太完美了 as if in the process of being raptured
而不适合继续留在这地球上 for being too perfect to dwell any longer on Earth.
该死的 Goddamn it!
我这是怎么了 What's wrong with me?
都好几个小时了 It's been hours,
我还没润色好这个屁股的暗喻 and I still haven't perfected the bum metaphor.
-我的手指好疼 -我爸爸死了 - My fingers hurt. ‭- My dad died.
至少你知道他在哪里 At least you know where he is.
埃德加 我需要食物 我的零食在哪里 Edgar, I need sustenance. Where are my snacks?
抱歉 吉米 商店附近有什么警务活动 Uh, sorry, Jimmy. There was some police activity near the store.
那是我最后一点儿吃的了 That's my last food!
我已经考虑一整天了 I've been thinking about it all day,
你真的得哭出来 吉米 and you really need to cry, Jimmy.
-我的理疗师说这样非常... -格雷琴 - My therapist says it's very... - Gretchen,
我的心理情况非常复杂 如同一座迷宫 the sheer breadth of my labyrinthian abstruse psychological composition
是不可能被一个长滩社区大学 cannot possibly be second-handedly grasped
毕业的心理医生所理解的 by some Long Beach Community College graduate
她整天不过是跟一堆可悲的蠢货打交道 who deals with the... tragically maladroit all day.
无意冒犯 No offense.
没事 因为我完全听不懂那个词 None taken, because I do not know that word.
把下午的时间腾出来给我 Just give me the afternoon.
我们好好地伤心一下 We'll do some super-sad shit,
你大哭一场 然后我们到轮子播出时就回家了 you'll poop out some tears and we'll be home by Wheel.
《幸运之轮》 ...of Fortune.
没用的 我真的没感觉 It won't work. I feel nothing!
但是好吧 我们走吧 But fine. Let's go.
反正工作已经很不顺利了 Work day's already a disaster.
不知道为什么我突然灵感全无了 I don't know why I'm suddenly blocked.
我在一遍又一遍地重写同一段落 I'm rewriting the same paragraph over and over.
卡仔 我出去的时候 Killswitch, while I'm out,
复制编辑下萨蒙在迷幻舞曲音乐会之后 copy edit the chapter where Simon watches Kitty bathe
看凯蒂洗澡的那一章 after the trip-hop concert.
对了 苍天大老爷啊 Oh, and for the love of God,
你他妈赶快学会拼写"舔肛"这个词行不行 finally learn how to spell "Anilingus," will you?!
你从不说"谢谢" You never say "Thank you."
给钱就是为了不用说谢谢 That's what the money's for!
我很高兴我们要学习怎么成为一家人了 I'm so glad we're gonna learn how to be a family.
家人 Family.
但我们已经是一家人了啊 But we're already a family.
一个家庭里不能只有两个人 保罗 You can't just have two people in a family, Paul.
你说有哪个家是两个人的 Name one family that's two people.
《吉尔莫女孩》 Gilmore Girls.
我们要学习怎么当好父母 We have to learn how to be good parents,
这样我们老的时候 他们才会好好照顾我们 so that when we're old, they'll take good care of us.
而且 你这么容易出意外 Plus, you're so accident-prone.
你一不小心撞到我的刀上 You turned into my knife,
结果经过好长好长时间 and it's taken, like, forever
你的皮肤才重新长到一起 for your skin to grow back together.
你是说痊愈吗 You mean heal?
狗才跟着跑[同音] 保罗 Dogs heel, Paul.
人越挨刀越坚强 Men get strong.
-呆子们 -我的天 - Nerds! ‭- Oh, my God.
我仍然不敢相信你们要把那玩意生下来 I still can't believe you're keeping it.
瑞贝卡 你真会开玩笑 Oh, Rebecca, you josher.
不过你们这时机真不好 Such a bummer about the timing though.
等你把那玩意儿挤出来的时候 By the time it comes flopping out,
我们全家人都已经为我的宝宝激动过了 our entire family's gonna be so babied out,
谁也不会在意你肚子里掉出来的那块肉的 your poor little lump's not gonna get any attention.
你只是气我没像你一样发福 You're just mad I didn't get all fat like you.
你才怀孕没多久 You're barely pregnant.
喂 阿呆 帮我偷点啤酒 Yo, dingus, help me gaffle some of these brews.
贝卡又抽疯 不想让我喝酒 Becca's being a cooze and doesn't want me to drink
好让我保持专注 so I actually pay attention.
总之 你装出一副想拉屎的样子 Anyway, pretend like you got to go drop a dook,
拿上四瓶啤酒 grab, like, four of them dummies,
帮我藏在马桶水箱里 leave 'em in the toilet tank for me,
就像《教父》里那样 Godfather-style.
唯有马桶里的啤酒能让本爷熬过傻逼育婴课 Nothing gets this pimp through a dumb baby class like toilet beer.
准妈妈准爸爸们好 Hello, mommies and daddies.
上周我们讲到了生产计划 So, last week we covered birth plans
以及几乎所有人都会在生产时大便失禁 and how pretty much everyone poops during labor.
今天我们要练习一些 So today we're gonna practice
实际生活中会用到的技能 some real-life skills.
每个人都过来抱一个婴儿娃娃 来吧 Everybody come and grab a baby doll. Come on.
情绪是很危险的 格雷琴 Emotions are dangerous, Gretchen.
想想看 最情绪化的电影角色总会死掉 Think about it, the most emotional movie characters always die.
《公民凯恩》里的凯恩 Kane from Citizen Kane.
《飞屋环游记》里那老头的妻子 The wife from Up.
《泰坦尼克号》里 Table-dancing destitute
在底层船舱的桌子上跳舞的穷人们 on the bottom deck of the Titanic.
而在电影中幸存下来的那些角色 And the ones who survive in movies:
机械战警 终结者 RoboCop, Terminator,
-超能查派 -那些都是机器人 - Chappie. - Those are all robots.
没错 一点情感都没有 Yeah, exactly. No emotions.
只有冰冷的电路系统和对复仇的渴求 Just cold circuitry and a thirst for revenge.
我真搞不懂你们为什么坚持坐在后座上 I don't really know why you guys insist on sitting in the backseat.
我又不是优步司机 I'm not an Uber.
没错 你还真他妈不是 Yeah, damn right you're not.
那是什么 What's that?
他的服务评价 His rating.
一颗星 ‭One star.
我差点忘了 把你车里的藏酒给我 Oh, almost forgot. Give us your car booze.
二位 我真的得赶去退伍军人事务处了 Guys, I really have to get to my VA appointment.
好吧 但等你这些蠢事办完后 ‭Fine. But when you're done with your stupid thing,
你得来载我们回家 you're giving us a ride home.
快点 随便哭一哭 Come on. A little wah-wah,
死亡真悲伤 然后就完事了 death is sad, and then you're done.
假装这里有一座坟是你爸的 Pretend one of these is your dad's grave.
问题是 死亡困扰不到我 The problem is death doesn't bother me.
我不会为无法避免的事难过 I'm not upset by the inevitable.
那就像为天气而难过 It's like being upset by the weather
或是为爱尔兰人不值得信任而难过 or by an Irishman proving untrustworthy.
快看 Look.
"活生生的"死人 Real live dead person.
快来 没准能撩起点情绪来 Come on. Maybe it'll stir something up.
疑问那么多 却少有答案 ...with so many questions and so few answers.
你好 抱歉 Hi. Sorry.
但若将今天看做悲伤的一天是不对的 But it would be a mistake to think of today as a sad day.
夏洛特 麻烦你上前来 Charlotte, if you would please step forward.
我们在天上的父 Our Father, who art in heaven...
吉米 吉米 是我疯了 Jimmy, am I... Jimmy, am I crazy
还是这场葬礼性感到爆 or is this funeral hella sexy?
我不知道你这癖好是哪来的 I don't know where that fetish came from,
但那绝对... but it is absolutely...
我的天 你说的还真对 Oh, my God, you're right.
就像《十一月的雨》里的那场葬礼 It's like the funeral from November Rain.
等等 务必记得拔出来 我不能怀孕 Wait! Make sure to pull out. I can't get pregnant.
你爸的亡灵说不定正在周围游荡 Your dad might be floating around right now,
寻找能投胎转世的肉身 looking for a body to reincarnate.
你真明智 Good call.
太用力了 Too hard.
太好了 Yes!
又不是真的 It's not real!
那又不是真的宝宝 It's not a real baby!
谢谢 Thank you.
好吧 我们在上一站有点分心了 Okay, we got a little distracted at that last place.
但就是这没跑了 活生生的父亲带娃 But this is it: living fathers with their kids.
绝对像《摇篮里的猫》那首破歌一样催泪 That is some straight-up "Cat's in the Cradle" shit right there.
另外 看看我画的炫酷迷宫 Plus, look at my dope maze.
通常来讲 我是所有艺术形式的大师 Usually, I'm a master of all art forms --
写作 音乐 警句 writing, music, quips,
多材质拼贴画 mixed media collage --
但出于某种原因 我的灵感枯竭了 but, for some reason, I am creatively blocked.
一个戴太阳镜的太阳 A sun wearing sunglasses.
根本说不通啊 Doesn't even make sense.
难道他觉得自己的光芒太耀眼了吗 He's too bright for his own eyes?
那是因为你需要哭一场发泄出来 It's because you need to cry it out.
或许你说得对 Maybe you're right.
老天爷啊 Jesus Christ.
我实在不知道该拿你怎么办了 I don't even know what to do with you anymore!
中奖了 And... jackpot.
去 跟上他 Go. Follow him.
也许他会愤然踢一下垃圾桶 Maybe he'll rage-kick a garbage can,
让你想到你爸爸 去吧 remind you of your dad. Go.
好吧 All right.
我会试试看的 I will give it a go.
你在干什么呢 伙计 What you workin' on, buddy?
为人父母真难 是吧 Parenting, right?
我都不知道该怎么办了 I don't know what to do, man.
和他们交流很难 对吧 It's hard to communicate with them, yeah?
就像你从他们身上完全都认不出自己了 Like you don't even recognize yourself in them.
我是认不出来 I don't.
你一定很泄气 You're frustrated
因为他有点笨 because he's a little clumsy,
有点太附庸风雅 a little too artsy-fartsy,
因为他看《我的女孩》哭爆了眼睛里的血管 because he broke a blood vessel in his eye crying at My Girl.
什么 才不是 What? No.
他真的是个坏人 He's legitimately a bad person.
我儿子是个可怕的人 Like, my son is an awful human being.
-什么 -他注册了一堆脸书账号对我发动网络暴力 - What? - ‭He set up a bunch of Facebook accounts to cyberbully me.
喂 这个小婊子一直在烦我 Hey, this bitch is bothering me.
你是想勾引打我爸吗 小基佬 You trying to hit on my dad, twink?
吉米 原来这小孩烂透了 Jimmy, turns out this kid sucks.
你们才烂透了 什么样的大人会来 You suck! What kind of adults go
自绘陶器店这种地方啊 to a paint-your-own-pottery place anyway?
臭不要脸的恋童癖 Nasty-ass pedophiles.
靠 ‭Oh, shit!
-别走 -闭嘴 格雷格 - Don't go... - ‭Shut up, Greg.
我希望你叫我爸爸 I wish you would call me Dad.
我还希望你给我舔鸡巴呢 Well, I wish you'd suck my dick.
看看有没有情绪 Oh, hey, emotion check.
其实 我想刚刚我感受到了什么 Actually, I think I felt something that time.
真的吗 吉米 Really?! Jimmy!
我们在融化你冰冷的已死的心 We're thawing your cold, dead heart.
快点 我们的悲伤旅途还有一站 Hurry up! We got one more stop on the sadness tour.
好吧 让我打给埃德加 Okay. Let me call an Edgar.
我们准备走了 We're ready to go.
而且我真心希望你准备好了在车上喝的酒 And I sincerely hope you've got our car booze.
抱歉吉米 我来不了了 我的车坏了 Sorry, Jimmy, I can't come. My car broke down.
真是一点也不意外 Oh, well, that's not a surprise.
那破烂玩意儿没有辅助启动装置也没有酒 Piece of shit with no auxiliary plug or car booze!
零分差评
做得很好 长颈鹿苏菲送给你 Great job. Here's a Sophie giraffe
恭喜你在技能比拼环节获胜 for winning the skills section. ‭
不 那是... Oh. No, that's...
好吧 Okay.
我得奖了 I won a prize.
你真是天生的好妈妈 You're such a natural mommy.
有位爸爸刚告诉我件很棒的事 One of the dads just told me the neatest thing:
宝宝们出生的时候 babies are programmed
一定会长得很像父亲 to look like the father when they're born.
那多可爱啊 不是吗 Won't that be so adorable?
一个小小的我吸着你的奶子 A tiny little me suckling at your bosom?
琳子 Linds...
你刚刚真的非常厉害 that was actually quite... impressive.
我真不敢相信我会说这话 但我觉得 I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I think...
你真是天生的好妈妈 you were born to be a mom.
谢谢 贝卡 Thanks, Bec.
我的大奶子出问题了 There's something's wrong with my big ol' honkers!
哇 没有奶了 Ah! No leche!
-咕嘟咕嘟咕嘟咕嘟 -我可怜的宝贝 - Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. - Oh. This poor dear.
他总是连上两个班 都累得精神错乱了 He is so delirious from working so many double shifts.
保罗 你能开车送我们回家吗 Paul, will you drive us home?
当然了 家里见咯 妈妈 Of course. See you at home, Mama?
好啊爸... Sure, Pap...
保罗 Paul.
你好 这是什么 Um, hi, what is this?
难道我看上去像个育婴妇女吗 What do I look like, some baby lady?
抱歉 I'm sorry.
我妻子工作太忙了没能来 真是一点都不震惊 M-My wife, she's stuck at work-- shocker.
她给了我这份购物清单 She gave me this shopping list, and,
但我对这种事根本毫无头绪 man, I have no idea what I'm doing.
好吧 Okay.
看上去你需要一块打包毯 一块包巾 Looks like you're gonna need a Miracle Blanket, a Woombie,
一个枕头 真是很棒的颈部支撑 a Boppy-- really great neck support--
当然了 婴儿专用睡衣袋 and, of course, Zipadee-Zip.
不如我直接帮你找比较快 It'll be quicker if I just do it.
非常感谢你 我很感激 Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
格雷琴 你做到了 Well, Gretchen, you did it.
我再也想不出比这更阴郁 更让人心碎 I can't think of a place ‭more gloomy, more soul-crushing,
更英伦范的地方了 more quintessentially England.
没错 我想你可能想来点英式早餐 Yeah, I thought you might want a wee English breakfast.
-什么 -别犯傻了 - Excuse me? ‭- Don't be a berk.
你知道我在说什么 屎吉米 You know what I'm talkin' about, Shitty Jimmy.
-你是在模仿罗尼吗 -今天一整天都那么抽象 - Are you being Ronny? - Today's been all abstract.
是时候人物化了 It's time to personalize it.
我还在网上专门钻研了些英国俚语 I even boned up on some British slang online.
狗日的 同性恋都可以结婚了吗 Blarmy! Knob jockeys getting married?!
接下来 有人都要操狗 Next thing you know, some ringburner's
并且和狗狗领证结婚了吧 gonna want to shag and marry his dachshund!
好像又感受到什么了 更加私人化一点 Almost felt something again. Get more personal.
说说我的陶瓷马藏品 Uh, talk about my ceramic pony collection
或者菲奥娜发现我亲博伊·乔治杂志封面那事 or the time Fiona caught me kissing a magazine cover of Boy George
因为我以为他是个女孩 because I thought he was a girl.
瞧瞧你这苍白的皮肤 Look at 'at pasty skin.
女孩般柔软的手 Them soft girl hands.
你这该死的废物 The poofy scrote
一辈子都没工作过 过着可悲的一生 never worked an honest day in his whole miserable, sodding life.
给我听好了 你个肥胖的老混蛋 Now, you listen to me, you fat, grey void.
写作是很难的 也是份实实在在的工作 Writing is hard! It is actual work.
那是份高尚的 精神的付出 It's a noble, nay, spiritual endeavor
不仅需要脑力的...天啊 that taxes both the brain... Oh, my God.
你这个烂主意可能还真起作用了 This wretched idea of yours might actually be working.
-找回那些感觉了吗 -是的 汹涌而出 - The feeling? It's back. - Yeah, it's coming.
天啊 真的来了 Oh, my God. Here it comes.
这就是那种感觉吗 一个屁 That was the feeling? A fart?
显然嘛 我跟你说了的 Apparently. Well, I told you,
我进化得很高级了 I'm very evolved.
傻逼心理医生 Stupid therapist.
我警告你 这事最好到此为止 I'm warning you, this better be it.
如果你在巡游途中崩溃了 If you lose your shit on the cruise
毁了我跟棉花糖浣熊 泡泡壁虎 and ruin my time with Cotton Candy Raccoon,
喷嚏熊猫相处的美好时光 Bubble Gecko, or Sneezy Panda,
我...它死于飞机坠毁中了 算了 I... Well, she died in a plane crash. But never mind.
你怎么把吐司也搞得这么难吃 How do you even mess up toast?
谢谢你的帮助 Thanks so much for helping.
天啊 我已经觉得有点扛不住了 Jesus, I'm already this overwhelmed.
我的孩子都还没出生呢 I don't even have a baby yet.
你怎么会已经这么擅长这些事了 How are you this good at it already?
我也不知道 I have no idea.
现在要怎么样 我后半辈子都要 So now what? I'm just stuck doing this baby shit
围绕着孩子转了吗 for the rest of my life?
如果我的人生注定还有其他的成就 What if there are other things I'm meant to be
但我却一直不知道呢 and I never find out?
比如静脉血医师或是恐龙 Like a phlebologist or a dinosaur? ‭
有次我和我前女友分手了 Once my ex and I split,
我心想 一切到此为止了 I figured that was it.
我永远都不会成为一个父亲了 I was never gonna be a dad.
然后我在库布里克大师作品展上 Then I meet this cute Asian chick
遇到一个可爱的亚洲女孩 at the Kubrick exhibit at LACMA
突然 她就怀孕了 and suddenly she's knocked up
我在42岁高龄获得了第二次机会 and I get this second chance at 42.
所以你相信第二次机会吗 So you believe in second chances?
我本来不信 I didn't.
但我现在信了 But I guess I do now.
天啊 你在干什么 你疯了吗 Oh, Jesus. What the hell are you doing? Are you insane?
我才刚跟你说 我这是在把握第二次机会 I just told you, I'm on my second chance!
-我以为... -天啊 你是有什么毛病 - I just thought... - Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?!
你为什么要那么做 我还跟你丈夫说过话呢 Why would you even do that? I talked to your husband!
他人那么好 He was so nice.
-我们还约好了一起划皮艇呢 -好吧 - We're going kayaking together sometime! - Fine.
闭嘴 Shut up.
这又不是单身酒吧 让你可以钓汉子 This isn't a singles bar where you just pick up guys!
-你都要生孩子了 你个怪胎 -闭嘴 - You're having a baby, you weirdo! - Shut up,
闭嘴 shut up.
闭嘴 Shut up.
闭嘴 ‭Shut up.
我买了你要的零食 I got your snacks.
已经太迟了 It's too late.
我已经一整天都没写作了 I've already lost an entire day's writing.
对不起了 文学 Sorry, literature.
朗姆饼 好恶心啊 Mmm, rum Christophers; they're so disgusting,
但我吃得根本停不下来 I can't stop eating them.
你今天那事怎么样了 How was your thing today?
挺好的 Fine.
你想谈谈吗 Do you want to talk about it?
不想 No.
好棒 两个问题人士都搞定 Yes! Two for two.
爸爸 终于到了 Well, Dad, here we are.
最后的考验 The final test.
就该这样才对 That's it.
都发泄出来 Get it out.
把悲伤都发泄出来 Let all the sadness out.
我以为你在哭呢 I thought you were crying!
没有 真的太爽了 No. It's amazing.
我拿出了我爸留下的那件外套 I was smelling the jacket that Dad left
上面完全是他身上的气味 and it smelled exactly like him.
香烟味 麦芽酒味 大豆味 职业失败的味道 Just cigarettes, ale, beans, occupational failure.
突然间 我们寻找了一整天的那种感觉 And in a rush, that feeling that we'd been searching for all day
就那么喷薄而出 格雷琴 just came flying out. And, Gretchen,
那可不是悲伤 it wasn't sadness.
而是幸福 It was happiness.
我自由了 I'm free.
我终于自由了 I am finally free!
我的创意桎梏终于解除了 And I'm finally unstuck creatively.
我终于想出了 对凯蒂的 I found, all right, the perfect metaphor
少女屁股的完美比喻 for the heft of Kitty's adolescent bottom.
我稍后再跟你说 真是太性感了 I'll tell you later. It's-it's too sexy.
你想去 连看 Do you want to go, uh, binge-watch
关于苏珊·史密斯案的那部六集迷你剧吗 that six-part series on the Susan Smith case?
好啊 稍等下 Yeah. Just a sec.
现在我的父母噩梦总算结束了 Now that my parental nightmare is finally over,
我要处理掉有关罗尼·奥弗利的一切 I'm gonna get rid of everything that smacks of Ronny Overly.
愿他获得 May he rest in relative peace
对一个动脉石灰化患者而言相对的安宁 for someone of his arterial calcification.