以下这则新闻是关于外太空的怪东西 And in weird things in space news,
那个神秘的裂痕还在 that mysterious "rift" is still there.
还没消失 大家应该还记得吧 Not gone yet. You remember that, don't you?
这或许很重要 镜头交还给泰碧莎 It's probably important. Back to you, Tabitha.
瑞克 妈去工作了 爸还在睡 Rick, Mom's working, and Dad's still sleeping.
- 我要迟到了 I'm -- I'm -- I'm gonna be late.
- 好 交给我吧 来 Yeah, yeah. I-I got you. Here.
天啊 传送枪修好了吗？ Holy shit. I-Is the portal gun working again?
对 差不多 Yeah, pretty much.
有时候会这样 Sometimes that happens.
快去拿车钥匙吧 Just get the keys.
不再一直到处传送其实也还不错 It's actually been nice taking a break from the portal travel stuff.
我累积了很多高中历险... I-I've been racking up a lot of high-school adventures.
我有我的程序 莫蒂 I have a process, Morty. Huh?
我在修传送枪了 I'm fixing my portal gun,
你每次提起这件事 都会阻碍我发挥创意 and every time you bring it up,it blocks my creative flow.
然后我就得被迫刻意慢慢来 A-And then I'm forced to take longer on purpose
好训练你别提起这件事 just to train you to not bring it up.
天啊 你知道"投射"是什么吗？ Geez. Do you know what "projection" is?
你知道吗？ Do you?
不知道 我听妈讲过 No. I-I-I heard Mom use it.
哈里赫博森高中
天啊 他又来了？ Lord, no. He's here again?
采取莫蒂应变流程 各位 Morty protocol, children.
这次又怎么样？ what's it now?
大脑虫吗？太空虫吗？ Brain bugs? Space worms?
我又被《老师不是人》了吗？ Have I been "The Faculty'd" again?
你们不需要每天都这样小题大作 You guys don't have to react like this every day.
上次外星人还逼我舔所有马桶座 Last time, the aliens made me lick all the toilet seats.
没错 我是被逼的 That's right -- made me.
我看到你的表情了 I see that look on your faces.
你做了什么 你这个小怪兽？ What did you do, ya tiny monster?
这不是我做的 This isn't me.
好莱坞
大家都很好奇 The people demand to know --
这些访客有没有敌意 Do these visitors come in peace?
但我们要先进行 "彼得披萨时间" But first, "Peter's Pizza Corner."
我们今天要评比什么披萨 彼得？ What slice we reviewing today, Petey?
奶酪 Cheese.
如果外星人想占领地球 If these aliens want Earth,
就得先打倒埃及 they'll have to go through Egypt.
而且他们可以去问木乃伊下场会怎样 And they can ask mummies how that goes.
我的木乃伊啊 Mummy mia!
恐龙回来了？ Dinosaurs are back?
猴子秃了？ Monkeys went bald?
在我们开始致词前 Before we start...
请问其他恐龙在哪里？ where are the rest of...us?
它们很久之前就死了 They died. Uh...Long time ago.
死了很久之后我们才出现 Way before us.
我们什么都没看到 We didn't see nothin'.
但我们的祖先应该留下了曾经存在的证据 But surely our ancestors must have left some evidence behind.
他在紧张什么？ Why is he nervous?
因为‥ Because, uh,
你们是恐龙 you're dinosaurs.
这很奇怪 It's weird.
我们以为你们死了 Thought you were dead.
继续 Moving on,
我们 "恐龙" 在地球上进化到 we "dinosaurs" evolved here on Earth
我们的科技跟地球达成了和谐状态 until our technology was planetarily harmonic.
因为这就是科技的目标 That being the goal with technology.
在我们跟地球达成了完美平衡后 After we achieved perfect balance with Mother Earth,
我们之中最优秀又最英勇的人 就离开去帮助其他星球 our best and bravest left to help other planets.
在无数年中 我们去过了许多世界 Over millions of years, we've called many worlds home
帮助每个世界成长茁壮 and helped each one flourish.
所以我们真的感到很意外 竟然在回到家后 Imagine our surprise upon returning home
发现我们灭绝了 to find our species extinct
而现在管理地球的是... and Earth now in the care of...
你们 you guys.
我们离开时 你们跟‥ When we left, you were
松鼠差不多 basically squirrels.
我们经历了很多改变 而且‥ Well, uh, we've come a long way, and we --
我们埋藏的东西也不只是坚果 We've buried a lot more than nuts.
我们已进化到不会进行非建设性批评 We've evolved past nonconstructive criticism,
所以就当作你们尽力了吧 so let's agree you've done your best.
你们还活着 You're still alive.
但在出现火药和‥ But surely there was some point between gunpowder
亚马逊Prime之间的时间里 and something called Amazon Prime
你们一定也曾想过 that you folks had to think,
"我们应该负责主宰星球吗？ "Are we supposed to be running a planet?
我们是不是宁愿拍漫威电影?" Wouldn't we rather make... Marvel movies?"
你们拍了几部漫威电影？ How many Marvel movies have you made?
29部 将来还会有14部 29, and 14 more on the way.
你们喜欢做这件事 See, you love doing that.
我们喜欢帮助新的生命形式站稳阵脚 And we love helping new life-forms get their footing.
既然我们回来了 就由我们来接手吧 So now that we're back, we can respectfully take it from here.
等等 你们如果看过《终局之战》 Now, hold on. If you've seen "Endgame,"
就知道地球遇到入侵不会乖乖躺平 you know invasion is not something Earth takes lying down.
这不是入侵 This is not an invasion.
而且你们不是也想躺平吗？ Besides, wouldn't you like to lie down?
你们一定很累了 Ugh. You must be exhausted.
把脚抬起来休息 去刺更多刺青 Put your feet up, get more tattoos,
继续发想蚁人这个角色 finish rounding out this "Ant-Man" character.
你们可以当成度假 Think of it like your Earth concept of "vacation,"
但永远不会结束 except permanent.
我应该能代表各国领导人发言 I think I speak for all world leaders
如果我们逼你们走 when I say that the poor people would just murder us
大家会杀了我们 所以‥ if we made you leave, so...
欢迎回家 恐龙 welcome home, dinosaurs.
我挺想度假的 I could use a vacation.
要用核弹炸它们吗？ Should we nuke them?
我在度假 克提斯 I'm on vacation, Curtis.
你还真快就松懈了 Well, you leaned into this fast.
恐龙负责所有事
祖尼角龙
物资不再匮乏
冰冠龙
斑比盗龙
挺足龙
霍格华兹龙王龙
哥吉拉龙
火山齿龙
索伦眼龙
布万龙
这些都是真正的恐龙名
我连玩游戏都没办法假装自己有用 I can't even pretend to feel useful in a game.
这就是人类文明的结局吗？ This is how humanity's story ends?
卸下责任并坐在小孩桌吗？ Relieved of duty and sat at the kids' table?
恐龙还真厉害 I gotta respect these dinosaurs.
它们只靠质疑人类 They dominated a whole species
想要更多闲暇时间的谎言 就打败了全人类 just by calling its bluff about wanting more free time.
它们根本没有打败我们 They didn't even dominate us
因为它们觉得我们不值得一战 because we're not worth a fight to them.
我们简直变成了泰勒派瑞电影 We've become biological Tyler Perry movies.
- 它们只是在帮忙 - 我们不需要它们的帮忙 All they've done is help. We didn't need their help.
问题不在于我们 我们家会做资源回收 We were not the problem. This house recycles.
垃圾处理厂会做分类 They sort it at the trash facility.
搞什么？我的跳舞视频都没人按爱心 What the "F"? My dance videos are getting, like, zero likes now.
没错 恐龙禁止恋童癖使用抖音了 Oh, yeah. The dinos kicked pedophiles off TikTok.
太好了 所以我要破产了吗？ Great. So now I'm broke?
你已经不需要钱了 You don't need money anymore.
那手机现在要拿来干吗？打电话吗？ So what's this for now? Phone calls?
少来了 爸 你不讨厌现况吗？ Oh, c'mon, Dad. You don't hate this, too?
怎么会呢？我本来就在做自己想做的事了 Why would I? I-I was already doing what I wanted.
但我觉得挺好笑的 I do think it's kind of funny
你们现在都变成杰里了 that you're all basically Jerry now.
该死 Fuck.
杰里 你都怎么做？ Jerry, how do you do it?
对 爸 你都怎么做？ -Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?
你都怎么做 爸？ -How do you do it, Dad?
- 你都怎么做？- 你都怎么做？ Huh? How do you do it?
这一刻总算来临了 It's finally happened.
人生这么苦
东西
被遗忘的东西
熊猫跌倒、蛇穿迷你裙、丑狗
删除这个 泰坦尼克号所在地
书稿最终版的最终版的最终版
很好 All right.
有人知道要怎么寄东西给出版社吗？ Does anyone know how to mail things to publishers?
总统只有在有急事 Uhp. President only pages me
或需要摇头丸时才会呼叫我 if it's an emergency or he needs Molly.
阿波碳烤
真高兴你还有营业 阿波 I'm sure glad you stayed open, Beau.
我们也很想付钱 Wish we could pay,
但资本主义已经结束了 but no more capitalism.
我做肋排从来就不是为了赚钱 总统先生 I never make ribs for the money, Mr. President.
对了 拿去 Oh, um, here ya go.
我不是为了这个打给你的 That's not why I called.
毒品没办法解决这个问题 Drugs can't solve this problem.
我不能再继续过这种日子了 I can't live like this anymore.
整天一直看 At first it was fun spending all day
YouTube自动播放的视频 一开始虽然很有趣 watching whatever YouTube autoplays after the last one autoplayed,
但我不想再看到文法检查软件的广告了 but a man can only watch so many ads for Grammarly.
瑞克 拜托 Rick. Please.
你不受道德拘束 除掉它们吧 You're not bound by morality. Get rid of them.
割它们的喉咙 把那些混蛋歼灭 Slit their necks. Zero Dark Thirty these fuckers
为了我们人类着想 我不会说出去的 for the good of the species. I won't tell.
帮助我们回到过去那样 Help us go back to the old days,
假装解决我们自己引起的问题 where we pretend to fix the problems we caused.
你以为我会支持你 You think I'm gonna side with you
而不是支持超级聪明 over hyper-intelligent creatures
行为又远远超越 你的理解能力的生物吗？ operating way beyond your comprehension?
我跟它们的共同点比跟你还多 I have more in common with them than you.
你这个傲慢的自闭老头 You pompous autistic cadaver!
你就那么自视甚高吗？我真该... You think you're above this? I ought to...
听着 总统先生 Look here, Mr. President.
我想让肋排变软嫩美味时 都会好好呵护它们 When I need my ribs to be tender and delicious, I pamper them.
你如果把某人想要的东西给他 See, if you give someone what they want,
他就会把你需要的东西给你 they'll give you what you need.
- 我只是说说而已 - 真有道理 阿波 I'm jus' saying. I see your point, Beau.
好吧 瑞克 开个价吧 All right, Rick. Ha ha. Name your price.
糟糕 -Aw, crap.
该死 你到底多经常用 《西部世界》这招对付我？ -God damn it. How often are you "Westworld-ing" me?
等等 肋骨肉又卡住他的晶片了 Hang on. Rib-tips jammed his folk-chip again.
瑞克真可靠 总是知道该怎么做 Ol' reliable Rick. Always k-knows what to do.
- 你想要什么 瑞克? - 我不会自降格调 What do you want, Rick? I won't stoop to answering that again.
再回答你一次 你很清楚我想要什么 Honest. You know exactly what I want.
我没办法弹弹手指 就帮你安排到那个工作 I can't just snap my fingers and get you that job.
好吧 谢谢你请我吃午餐 Yeah, yeah. Thanks for lunch.
好吧 Fine. Fine!
你如果能除掉恐龙 If you get rid of the dinosaurs...
就可以主持奥斯卡奖 you can host the Oscars.
- 很好 - 正义的瑞克 Yes! Righteous R-Rick.
诚实守信又从来不尿床 Straight shootin', t-truth-tellin',never wets the bed.
再会了 各位老朋友 希望你们能好好安息 Goodbye, old friends. May you rest in peace,
不要进到运动型多用途汽车的油箱里 rather than the tank of an S.U.V.
同为宇宙旅人的各位好 Hello, fellow cosmic voyagers.
- 有什么需要帮忙的事吗？ Can we help you?
- 其实是我或许能帮到你们 Actually, I can probably help you.
我严格来说是人类 但我已经变成‥ See, I'm technically human, but I've come to be more,
更接近你们的等级了 you know, on your level.
我们没问题 谢谢 We're fine, thank you.
或许我讲得不够直接 Maybe I'm being too indirect.
我正好有稍微涉猎跨宇宙旅行 I happen to dabble in multiversal travel,
我或许能把你们传送到另一个地球 and I could probably zap you guys to an alternate Earth.
我们无数年前就会使用传送门了 We used portal travel eons ago,
但我们发展出了 "单一宇宙 单一真相"的政策 but evolved to a one-universe,one-truth policy as
因为我们是最高级的存在形式 the highest form of existence.
有点类似＂先把自己的氧气罩戴上 Sort of a "put your own oxygen mask on
再帮助其他人＂的概念 before helping others" type of a thing.
你搭过飞机吗？ Have you been on a plane?
是的 我搭过飞机 Yes, I've been on a plane.
你如果要去其他维度 我们并不介意 We have no problem if you jump dimensions.
但我们感应到 你的传送装置还有改善空间 Although we sense your gateway device is suboptimal.
- 让我们协助你吧 - 我不需要协助 Let us help. I don't need help.
我是来协助你们的 I-I'm here to help you.
这是什么鬼？ What the hell is this?
这是传送手枪 A "Portal Pistol."
传送门会是透明的 不是绿色漩涡 The gateways are see-through, not a green swirl,
这样就能看到要去哪里 so now you can see where you're going.
聪明小妞 Clever girl.
如果有需要 我们也能 If you'd like, we could patch up
帮你填补那个小跨维度裂痕 your little interdimensional rift too.
不 放着就好 我知道怎么补 No, leave it. I know how to close that.
那裂痕有存在的意义 That's there for a reason.
- 很值得深究 - 你不想把那裂痕补起来吗？ Very canonical. Don't you just want it closed?
莫蒂 你是站在哪一边的？ Morty, whose team are you on?!
会感到挫败很正常 这给你 It's normal to be frustrated. Here.
天啊 有没有搞错？ Oh, my God, are you fucking kidding me?
- 再见 - 不 等等 Goodbye. No. Wait.
搞什么？ What the fuuuuu...
像曼哈顿博士那种自以为是的混蛋 竟然让我瞬间移动？ Dr. Manhattan high-road assholes teleporting me? Ah! I saw my bones!
- 为什么都不会痛？- 它们根本没处理好 Why -- Why wasn't that painful? They didn't even do it right.
- 我的拉链开了 - 你的拉链本来就开着 My -- My -- My fly is down. Your fly was already down.
你要干吗？ What are you doing with that?
- 瑞克 那台比较... - 它们的东西没有比较好 Rick, it was a better -- Nothing from them is better.
这东西上面 有很多拘谨平静自以为细菌 That thing had uptight Zen snob germs all over it.
所以你现在要跟它们开战吗？ So, what, now you're gonna fight them?
证明我们又暴力又蠢吗？ And prove we're violent and stupid?
才不要 我们要查出它们隐瞒的秘密 No. We're gonna find out what they're hiding.
除非过去做过很糟糕的事 Only people who have really fucked up in the past
才需要这么努力向大家证明自己多有道德 看看西恩潘 have to virtue signal this hard. Look at Sean Penn.
瑞克 你这种感受 不就是它们刚刚提到的吗？ But, Rick, aren't these feelings, like, what they're talking about?
生命被‥ Like, life gets, um...
＂早期的演化阶段训练成必须竞争 "programmed for competition by early stages of evolution."
例如变形虫得跟变形虫争夺能量 Like, amoebas have to fight amoebas for energy,
但当一个物种 能从一台机器取得足以让自己 but once a species can get enough sugar from a machine
得糖尿病的糖分 to give itself diabetes,
就可以开始思考冲突之上的事＂ it's allowed to start thinking beyond conflict.
它们的手册上都写着 I mean, it's all in their pamphlet.
塔摩卢斯莱特 朗康寇玛、阿尔法桑塔鲁斯
莫蒂 你太聪明了 Morty, you're a genius.
这显然是90年代的讽刺口气 I clearly mean that in the '90s ironic sense,
但这个自慰手册等同是张藏宝图 but this self-fellating zine is a treasure map
记载了它们所有见不得人的秘密 to every fossilized bone in their skeleton closet.
它们得叫我们劳拉邓恩了 They're gonna call us Laura Dern
因为我们会深入挖掘它们的恐龙秘密 because we're about to get elbow deep in dino doo-doo.
懂吗 莫蒂？手套 Get it, Morty? The gloves?
- 你一定还记得大手套 - 对 我懂 瑞克 You -- You remember the big gloves? Yeah, no, I get it, Rick.
我刚刚说了 "聪明小妞" I said "clever girl" earlier.
- 你完全没有反应 - 我刚刚在生气 You didn't even react. I was angry.
我在找我的一群朋友 I'm looking for a few of my, uh, friends.
看起来有点像颅脚 Kinda look like the Skullfeet
它们很久以前曾经住在这个星球上 that used to live on our planet way before us.
但已经消失很久了 They're long gone now.
真的吗？它们在这里也灭绝了吗？ Really? They're extinct here, too?
对 我们把它们的骨头 收藏在那间博物馆里面 Yeah. We keep their bones in that museum over there.
天啊 wow.
它们应该帮不上什么忙 These guys aren't gonna be much help.
我们目前的理论是颅脚 The leading theory is, the Skullfeet
总是踩到自己的大脑 所以就死掉了 stepped on their own brains so much they straight-up died.
真可惜 真想听听它们的歌声 Such a shame. Would have loved to hear them sing.
- 歌声？- 对 我们认为 Sing? Yeah.
它们之前会在地下圆形剧场里 We figured they used to hold huge outdoor concerts
举办大型户外演唱会 in their land amphitheater.
你们真蠢 You people are idiots. Hey.
喂 我们能取得的资料比较少 We didn't have much to go by.
骨头不太会讲话 Bones aren't big on conversation.
对 你也不太会 兄弟 Yeah, neither are you, pal.
雄伟的篮龙 The majestic Basketsaur.
它们是不是很棒？ Aren't they incredible?
我们还要拍一系列越来越难看的电影 We're even making a series of increasingly terrible movies
讲在游乐园里复制它们的故事 about cloning them in a theme park.
它们后来发生了什么事？ So what happened to them?
我们完全不知道 No idea.
但我们知道它们很喜欢 But we do know they all loved eating communal soup
喝大土碗里面的大锅汤 out of the Great Dirt Bowl.
我开始看出相似之处了 Starting to see a pattern here.
是不是很震撼？ Breathtaking, aren't they?
大家常误以为 它们曾在我们的星球上到处跑 It's a common misconception that they roamed our planet.
但它们其实是到处滑滑板 The truth is, they rolled.
主要是街头滑板 也有一点垂直滑板 Street-style mostly. Some vert.
我猜猜看 有个很大又很深的圆形凹洞 Lemme guess.There's a very large, deep circular indentation
这些滑龙会在里面滑滑板 in which these "Grindasaurs" used to shred.
我们认为它们的屁股里有第二个大脑 We think they had a second brain in their butt
用途是专门做转体1080度 dedicated to pulling 1080s.
恐龙造访过的三个星球 都发生了末日陨石事件 Three planets visited by dinosaurs, three apocalyptic meteor impacts.
滑板给我 我要下去采集数据 Gi-- Gi-- Gimme the board. I'm dropping in for data.
瑞克 这是最难的滑板动作 Rick! That's the hardest thing in skateboarding. Oh! Ow!
在《职业滑板3》里看起来很简单 It looked so easy on -- aah -- "Pro Skater 3."
你好 Hello.
中大奖了 莫蒂 Jackpot, Morty.
你还觉得恐龙隐瞒了什么秘密吗？ You still think the dinosaurs got something to hide?
不对 莫蒂 它们有躲起来的理由 No, Morty, they have a reason to hide.
- 过来 傲慢的小鬼 - 不 瑞克 住手 Come here, ya little whippersnapper. No, Rick, stop!
- 过来 莫蒂 过来跟我抱一下 - 不 别碰我 C'mere, Morty. Come on, gimme a hug. No, don't touch me.
- 你的手很油 - 你是怎么了？ Your hands are greasy. What's the matter with you?
人类显然很难适应 It's become clear your species is having a hard time
减轻责任后的生活 adjusting to its reduced accountability.
我们的解决办法是 定期举办这些简报会 Our solution is to hold these regular keynotes,
或是座谈会 你们用来发表新手机和传教的那种 or talks,which you used to launch new phones and religions.
好像有人想发言 Uhp, I see someone's eager to speak.
嗨 请问想自杀该怎么办？ Hi. Um, what do you do when you want to kill yourself?
就不要自杀 感谢你的提问 You don't do that. Thank you for asking, though.
这非常重要 Ver-- Very important.
我们最近发现了 一部新的人类文学作品 We recently discovered a new piece of human literature
我们认为大家都该阅读 that we think everyone should read.
该死 我要变知名作家了 Holy shit! I'm a famous author!
等等 我的名字呢？ Wait, where's my name?
我们明天会发给地球上的所有人 We will distribute it to everyone on Earth tomorrow.
不好意思 你们不公布作者是谁吗？ Excuse me. Aren't you gonna say who wrote it?
不 写出这本书的人 一定已经不需要功名了 Nope. Whoever wrote it must be above needing credit.
重点就在这本属于所有人的书之中 It's all here in this book that belongs to everyone.
可以免费索取 For free.
你们这群共产蜥蜴废物 那是我写的 You Communist lizard scumbags! I wrote that.
是我 杰里史密斯 Me, Jerry Smith!
大家好 Hey, hey, hey!
尖叫声
听好了 我发现恐龙并不邪恶 Guess what. Dinosaurs are not secretly evil,
也不是来造成大家困扰的 and they're not out to cause anybody trouble,
但它们总是会惹来麻烦 but it turns out trouble has a way of following them.
没错 好戏要上场了 Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's showtime.
恐龙待过的每一个星球 Literally every planet with dinosaurs on it
最终都会被巨大的太空石头袭击 is eventually smashed by a huge space rock
消灭它们和大部分的生物 that takes out them and most existing life.
什么？不可能 What? That can't be true.
你会感到挫败很正常 请听我解释 It's all right to be frustrated. Let me explain.
恐龙为什么总会引来 会摧毁行星的陨石呢？ Why would planet-killing meteors follow dinosaurs?
这些爬行动物在进化成 As these reptiles evolved to higher
越来越高层次的全素神仙时 and higher levels of loving vegan godhood,
另一种生物就会退化成同样无私 another life-form devolved into an equally selfless,
却充满恨意 又几乎没有感情的石头 hate-filled species of barely sentient rocks.
它们会在太空中猛冲 尽力对它们 They hurtle through space and do as much damage
所选的敌人造成伤害 请各位猜猜看是谁 as they can to their chosen enemy, which is guess who.
没错 这些恐龙去过的地方 陨石都会随之而来 Yup, everywhere these dinos go,these rocks, they come a-crashing.
而这颗陨石‥ And this one...
现在就正朝着我们前进 ...is headed directly towards us.
我们的一切努力呢？ And all of our work?
- 全都‥ - 白费了 没错 It was for... Nothing. Bingo.
这就是人生 这是一艘破了很多洞的大船 Welcome to life. It's a big boat with a lot of holes,
但大家都在同一艘船上 but we're all in it together.
我的‥ -Oh, my. -Ohhhhh.
好多死亡 So much death.
恭喜各位灵长类动物 Congratulations, primates.
看来地球还能变得更糟 Looks like Earth could have done worse.
瑞克下台一鞠躬 Rick out. Oh.
别忘了锁定今年的奥斯卡奖 And don't forget to tune in to this year's Oscars.
这件事非常难以消化 Well, this is a -- a lot to take in.
我现在喜欢火车了 I like trains now.
好吧 真伤人 Okay, that hurt.
火车好棒棒 恐龙好烂烂 Trains rule! Dinos drool!
你们完全不知道有致灾陨石 And you had no idea about the disastrous meteors
会随你们而来吗？ that followed in your wake?
我们是跟你们同时得知的 We just learned about it like you.
这消息真令人悲痛 Truly heartbreaking news.
但你们应该会在 陨石抵达时摧毁它吧？ But I assume you're gonna destroy it when it arrives here, right?
我们目前正在努力寻找 we're in the process of finding a solution
不需动用暴力的解决方法 that, um, doesn't involve violence.
等等 你们还没找到？ Hold on. You're in the process?!
安德区
你们也听到了 各位古柏粉 Well, there you have it, Cooperheads.
有一种愤怒的石头正要砸到 我们的... 抱歉 它们的星球 An angry species of rock is gonna slam into our --sorry -- their planet,
我们新的星球主宰者 and our new planet runners
还在考虑要不要让这件事发生 are weighing whether to let it happen.
根本没人知道 这个陨石物种是不是真的存在 I mean, no one knows if the meteor species is even real.
不对 确实是真的 大家都知道 No. It's very real. We all know that.
你们知道什么才是真的吗？裸绞 You know what's real? A rear naked choke hold.
- 我来示范 - 什么？ I'll show you -Hmm? -What?
我最后要问的问题是 我们还好吗？ Final question -- How we doing?
我们得出的结论是 We have come to the conclusion
唯一能确保人类安全的办法 就是我们得离开地球 the only way to ensure humanity will be safe is for us to go.
我们会永远离开地球 We are leaving the planet for good.
埃克森漏油
车诺比爆炸
蒙大拿州的石棉
大西洋城
第二型糖尿病
深水钻油平台爆炸
巨大垃圾岛
所有蜜蜂都要死了
去死吧 恐龙
或许是摇头丸药效使然 但我真的好爱你 瑞克 Maybe it's the Molly, but I fucking love you, Rick.
一定是摇头丸 It's the Molly.
这样是不是很棒？ Isn't this nice?
我们不再彼此敌对 恐龙也走了 Rivalries behind us, dinos gone,
我们是活在当下的两个酷人 two cool guys living in the moment.
所以‥你想好要穿什么了吗？因为‥ So, uh, like, uh you know what you're gonna wear? Because --
- 你不能多带一个人来 - 什么？ I can't get another plus-one. What?!
是我帮你安排这份工作的 混蛋 I'm the one who got you the gig, you son of a bitch!
我摸摸这个餐巾.. I feel this napkin --
摸摸这个餐巾 Feel this napkin.
真软 So soft.
欢迎收看第95届奥斯卡颁奖典礼 This is the 95th annual Academy Awards.
请各位一同欢迎主持人 Now, please welcome your host,
赶走了所有恐龙的这位老科学家 an old science guy who got rid of the dinosaurs...
瑞克桑切斯 Rick Sanchez.
舔我的灰奶子 好莱坞左胶 Suck my gray tits Hollywood pinkos.
麦克风在哪里？ Where's the mic?
升降麦克风呢？ The -- The -- The raising mic?
快升上来 Bring it up!
小汤 Tommy.
汤姆汉克斯也来了 Tom Hanks is here.
快点 来吧 C'mon. Do it.
快点 Come on.
来吧 Do ittttt.
好吧就一次 Okay, okay, one time.
威尔森 "Wilson!"
我是奥斯卡主持人瑞克 I'm Oscar host Rick.
瑞克外公 这真是太酷了 Grandpa Rick, this is so cool.
- 那个麦克风桥段效果很好 - 我就说效果会很好 That microphone bit killed. Yeah, told you it would.
- 全部都是事先编好的吗？ That was all scripted?
- 奥斯卡的每个瞬间都是 Every moment at the Oscars is.
就连那个瞬间也是 Even that one thing. -Ha ha!
看看谁偷到了礼品袋？ Look who stole themselves a swag bag.
- 该死的巧克力米优惠券 - 我们得分着用 -Ah, fucking Sprinkles coupon! -We're splitting that.
我觉得如果在追思桥段里面 Hey, so I was thinking it might be funny
加入恐龙应该会很好笑 to add dinosaurs to the "In Memoriam."
我觉得这样格调有点低 Eh, it feels beneath us.
我们完全不在乎它们走了比较好笑 It's funnier that they left and we don't even care.
没错 它们虽然走了 但还是一直博取关注 Oh, yeah, they left, but they keep begging for attention.
你们没听说吗？ You haven't heard?
恐龙就站在火星上 The dinos are just standing up there on Mars
手握着老二 真爱小题大作 with their dicks in their hands. So dramatic.
什么？它们打算乖乖被陨石砸死吗？ What, they're just gonna let the meteor hit them a-and die?
很好 如果高所有人一等就得死 Good. If being superior to everyone makes you die,
我认为这才叫平衡 I call that balance.
我那本全球畅销的书里有写 It's all in my globally published book
但恐龙抹去了我的名字 the dinos stripped my name from!
奥斯卡就到此结束 Oscars are over.
我的钥匙呢？ Where are my keys?
该死 我真的得把传送枪修好 God damn it, I need to fix portal travel.
我会修好的 我有我的程序 And -- And I'm going to. I have a process.
我们最后的良善之举 Our final act of kindness.
能跟你们一起彰显生命的尊严 It's been an honor serving the sanctity of life
是我的荣幸 with you all.
瑞克 你在干吗？ Rick, what are you doing?
我要跟你们一起站在这里 Standing here with you guys.
最好不要 我们是要牺牲自我 You don't want to do that. We're sacrificing ourselves here.
那我也要 懂吗？ Then so am I. Y'know?
埃隆马斯克要倒霉了 我们要把火星炸掉了 Elon Musk be damned, we're blowing up Mars.
不对 我们这是无私之举 No. We're doing something selfless.
你这是卑鄙之举 You're doing it out of pettiness.
谁能分辨得出来呢？ How is anyone supposed to know the difference?
就把这当作美德试胆比赛吧 Consider it a game of virtue chicken.
好吧 你如果不走 我们就逼你走 Okay, if you won't go, we'll make you go.
抱歉 我研发出了抗恐龙科技来对抗你们 Sorry. I-I dino-proofed my tech to spite you guys.
这也证明了无私和自私 Which further proves selflessness and selfishness
其实是一体两面 所以这一切有什么意义？ are two sides of the same coin, so what's the point?
好吧 你们的结局 Fine. Cool with me
如果是在火星上跟个老混蛋一起死掉 我也完全不介意 that your final chapteris dying on Mars with an old dickhead.
很好 欢迎回来 All right! Welcome back.
你这讨人厌的小混蛋 You obnoxious little twat!
对 但你还活着 Yeah, but you're alive.
别想在我的星系 搞大卫福斯特华莱士那套 No David Foster Wallace-ing in my galaxy.
你们不能聪明到 You don't get to be so smart
决定让自己离开其他人 that you remove yourself from everybody.
毕竟我们都是神仙 不客气 From one god being to another, you're welcome.
既然我们要帮彼此忙的话... Well, as long as we're doing each other favors...
嘿 等等你们要干吗？ Hey. Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?
你们修好了我的裂痕？你们这群伪善的混蛋 You fixed my rift? You fucking hypocritical cocks.
那个裂痕很值得深究 I-It was all canonical and shit.
我们可以利用那裂痕一整季 We coulda milked that thing for a whole season.
至少也可以拿来写三集的剧情 O-Or, like, a three-episode arc at least.
抱歉 我们就是这种人 Sorry. That's just us.
我们乐于助人 毕竟我们都是神仙 We love helping, god beings to god being.
真是的 我本来会修好的 Seriously. I was gonna fix that.
该死 它们要回来了 Shit. They're coming back.
可以开冷气吗？外面感觉就像上千度一样 Can we turn on the A.C.? It's, like, a thousand degrees outside.
很好 有新的粉丝 叫‥ Yes! New follower.Named...
＂加密货币换脚趾照＂ CryptoForBareToes?
我不太懂 但感觉是赚钱的好机会 Not sure I get it, but sounds like business.
- 我真以你为荣 宝贝 - 爸还好吗？ Proud of you, honey. Is Dad okay?
我很好 我只是在写我的第二本书 Yes. I'm just... writing my second book.
我还不确定要写什么主题 I don't know what it's gonna be about,
但我能确定书名一定是 but I can tell you one thing -- The title is
《杰里史密斯呈献 杰里史密斯所著之书》 "Jerry Smith Presents: A Book by Jerry Smith."
第一章 Chapter one...
该死 Fuck!
莫蒂 快来车库 Morty, get your ass in the garage!
好耶 请看 这是帽子戴人的维度 Hoo-ha! Check it out. A -- A dimension where hats wear people.
我办到了 我修好传送枪了 I did it! I fixed portal travel.
- 太棒了 - 你应该好好度个假 Oh, shit. Figured my guy deserves a vacation.
- 胸部星球 - 没错 Boob World! You're damn right.
- 而且这星期是乳晕周 - 太棒了 And it's Areola Week. All right!
经典的有趣传送历险 Good old-fashioned portal fun.
没错 就像这样 Yep. Like this.
接下来这几集一定会很经典 莫蒂 It's gonna be classic episodes, Morty.
传送到某处搞破坏 瑞克 Oh, I'm gonna puke, Rick! Portaling in.
再传送离开 莫蒂 Wrecking shit, portaling out, Morty.
天啊 历险 莫蒂 社会评论 Oh, my Go-- Adventures, Morty. Social commentary.
粗鄙的角色 来吧 Crude characters. Here we go.
《瑞克和莫蒂》时间 Rick and Morty time!
这里现在就是我们的家了 This is our home now.
我们就在这里度过余生 We shall live out the rest of our days here.
别再插手改变宇宙的秩序 Never interfering with the ways of the universe again.
我们已经满足了 We are content.
我们这一生过得很值得 It was a good run.
说到这个 Speaking of a good run...
我一定能脚跟翻板上那个跳台 然后大转 I bet I could switch heel onto that manny pad,
360度翻板过那个空隙 在扶手上翘板 滑进盆里 big spinout, tre flip that gap, 5-0 the rail, drop into the bowl,
再后手后抓 把板子拿到手上 然后再大玩特玩 stalefish into a Christ Air, and then we get fucking wrecked.
放马来吧 禽龙 Ho-ho. It's on, Iguanadon.
摩擦石头
反脚倒滑 右脚在前滑行 脚尖翻板 搞定菜鸟
但你是坏坏小恐龙
在陨石坑里搞怪 一起放声尖叫
待续
谢谢观赏
纪念麦克孟德尔