《老妈老爸浪漫史》第二季第十五集
♪三明治 三明治 三明治 ♪ Sandwich, sandwich, sandwich,
♪亲手制作食材丰富♪ I made you out of stuff...
♪啦啦啦啦啦♪ La la la la la...
别管你的三明治了 快看 No time for sandwiches! Look at this!
"哥利亚市场诚聘室内摄影师 "Goliath Market seeks in-house photographer
参与本公司社交平台账号的美食拍摄" to create food content for our social platforms"!
- 我就在哥利亚市场工作 - 我知道 - Uh, hey, I work at Goliath Market. - I know!
我就是摄影师 且热爱美食 And I'm a photographer! Who loves food.
- 我们要成为工作闺蜜了 - 天啊 - We could be work besties! - Oh, my God!
我在工作场所还没有过闺蜜呢 I've never had a work bestie before!
不过 你怎么突然想找早九晚五的工作 But, wait. Since when do you want a 9-to-5 job?
你之前的态度是 You've always been like,
"隔间 更像是两腿之间呢" "Cubicles? More like pubicles!"
我可真幽默 God, I'm funny.
但是艾伦说得对 Ellen was right, though.
一直以来 For a long time,
我喜欢忙前忙后的自由摄影师生活 I loved the hustle of freelance photography,
但不稳定的薪资让我感到疲倦 but I was tired of not knowing where my next paycheck was coming from.
我很需要那份工作 I needed to get that job.
早九晚五指的是早上九点起床 When they say 9-to-5, do they mean wake up at 9:00
还是早上九点到办公室 or be there at 9:00?
到办公室 Um, be there.
话说 你能帮我在领导面前 Anyway, could you maybe put in a good word for me
美言几句吗 我真的需要这份工作 with the higher-ups? I could really use the job.
明白 Okay, I got you.
我要跟领导不停地说好话 然后他们就会说 I will nudge the higher-ups so hard, they'll be like,
"艾伦 停下来" "Ow, Ellen! Too hard!"
我好激动 我们要一起工作啦 Yes! This is so exciting! We're gonna work together!
索菲 这个岗位竞争很激烈 Uh, Sophie, these jobs are really competitive,
我不能保证他们一定录用你 so there's no guarantee you'll get it.
我成功了 I got it!
周一开始上班 I start on Monday!
棒 Yes!
恭喜 姐妹你终于有医保了 Congrats! My girl's finally gonna have health insurance!
你终于不用去开市客扫货了 Nice! You can stop getting physicals at Costco. 开市客(Costco) 是美国最大的连锁会员制仓储量贩店 以低价格提供高品质的商品
艾伦 谢谢你为我担保 我欠你一个人情 Ellen, thank you so much for vouching for me. I owe you.
要是你对我的喜剧自卫课感兴趣 If you wanna get into my comedy self-defense class,
跟我说一声就行 你的即兴表演肯定很出彩 just say the word. You'd be great at ImprovMaga.
- 朋友们 说出一个位置 - 脖子 - Okay, people! I need a location! - Neck.
脖子 好的谢谢你 然后我需要一种攻击方式 Neck! Thank you very much. And I need an attack.
- 勾拳 - 勾拳 听到了吗 - Hook punch. - Hook punch! You heard it.
杀了他 索菲 上吧 杀啊 Kill him, Sophie! Come on! Kill him!
柯南·奥布莱恩推荐过 I hear that's how Conan O'Brien keeps it tight. 柯南·奥布莱恩是美国脱口秀主持人 喜剧演员 作家 制作人
等等 Wait.
我们周一要一起走路过去上班吗 Should we walk to work together on Monday?
姐妹 路上还能干点其他呢 Sister, we're gonna do way more than just walk.
♪世界尽在♪ Got the world
♪我的掌握♪ In my own hands
《有钱的都市悍妇艾伦》 ♪我的掌握♪ In my own hands
♪我要去上班 班 班♪ I'm going to work, work, work 《有钱的都市悍妇艾伦》
♪我要去上班 班 班♪ I'm going to work, work, work
♪我也是 是 是♪ And so am I, I, I
主演 索菲 ♪我也是 是 是♪ And so am I, I, I
♪我们拥有这一切 一切 一切♪ We have it all, all, all
♪他差点挂 挂 挂♪ He almost died, died, died
♪给老娘让开♪ Get out of our way!
瓦尔怎么跟我们不认识的人坐一桌 Why is Val hanging out with someone who isn't us?
- 我们可不这样 - 噢 - We don't do that. - Oh.
那是她的灵媒黛博拉夫人 That's her psychic, Madame Deborah.
她这周有空上门造访 Doing house calls this week
因为她的帐篷里要杀白蚁 'cause her tent's being fumigated for termites.
白蚁住了她的帐篷 So, they tented her tent?
不知道 她刚刚给我看了下 Unclear. She just gave me a reading,
然后她说 and get this.
财富就在转角处 Prosperity is right around the corner!
拜托 查理 Come on, Charles.
认真的吗 你居然听她胡扯 Really? You buy into this psychic nonsense?
那当然 I do now!
我一直想见识下灵媒的威力 You know, I always wanted to see a psychic.
我妈说那是巫术 不过奇怪的是 Mother said it was sorcery. Although, oddly enough,
她却让我去看真正的巫术 I was allowed to see an actual sorcerer.
灵思风是英国奇幻小说《碟形世界》里的巫师 灵思风 我能在他沙发上坐一整天 Oh, Rincewind. You know, I would spend hours on his couch,
诉说我的恐惧和焦虑 talking about my fears and anxieties.
有没有一种可能 那其实是个精神病医生 And you're sure that wasn't just a real psychiatrist
父母在逗你玩 骗你他是巫师 that your parents told you was a sorcerer to make it seem more fun?
如果他不是巫师 Well, if he wasn't a real sorcerer,
那他怎么会有能治好我多动症的魔力豆呢 how could he have given me those magic beans that cured my ADHD, huh?
好吧 Oh, yeah.
我可太爱她了 God, I love that woman!
她说我在 "找到属于我的那条路" She said I was, quote, "Finding my path."
正常 这些人总在说好话 Of course, they're gonna tell you good stuff.
因此才会拥有回头客 That's how they keep you coming back!
别给她骗了 幼稚鬼 Open your eyes, sheeple!
她不是只说好话 She does not only tell me good stuff.
我跟安德鲁·朱利亚尼约会之前 She told me choppy waters were approaching 安德鲁·朱利亚尼是特朗普的私人律师鲁迪·朱利亚尼的儿子
她就曾说 未来会风波陡起 before I started dating Andrew Giuliani. 安德鲁·朱利亚尼是特朗普的私人律师鲁迪·朱利亚尼的儿子
太令人意外了 Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!
我绕过桌角 捡到了钱 I literally rounded the corner, and found money.
财富就在转角处 她说得对 Prosperity around the corner, just like she said.
我打赌 这是她故意放那的 I'll bet she planted it there
就为了让自己看起来真实可信 just to make herself seem more legit.
难道她还伪造了安德鲁·朱利亚尼家举办的 Oh, and did she plant the orgy I walked in on
那场被我打断的派对吗 at Andrew Giuliani's townhouse, too?
你没有勇气面对你的未来 I think the real reason you're such a naysayer
所以 你才在这唱反调吧 is because you're afraid to learn what the future holds for you.
荒谬 Ugh, that's absurd.
我这就去跟她聊聊 You know what? I will go talk to her, okay?
只是想试探下虚实 But just to see how full of it she is.
等我回来 跟我再讲讲朱利亚尼的事 And then, I really need to hear more about this Giuliani thing.
让我来看看您的情况 Okay, let's see what we have here today, Mister...
爱的机器先生 Love Machine?
是我 Yep, that's me.
我需要五十毫升的拥抱 And I need 50 CCs of snuggles, stat!
天啊 God...
你怎么来了 宝贝 What are you doing here, babe?
我跟你说过 我会尝试着 I told you I wanted to make a real effort
接受洛杉矶 所以我就来了 of giving LA a chance, so here I am.
原来加州医生的工作是这样的 Wow. So, this is how Cali doctors roll, huh?
跟我想象的不太一样 Not how I pictured it.
是吗 那你的想象是怎样的 Really? Well, how'd you picture it?
手术刀 Scalpel.
钳子 Forceps.
寿司 Sushi.
就是不太一样吧 Um, just... different, I guess.
你下班的时候 Anyway, um, how about when you get off,
我们可以去鲁尼恩峡谷远足 你肯定喜欢 we go on one of those Runyon Canyon hikes you love so much.
《老黄狗》开头遛狗就是去的那里 I read that's where they walk the dog from the Old Yeller reboot.
小黄狗吗 Young Yeller?
好啊 我本来要留下来参加 Oh, sure. I was gonna stay for a party we're having
庆祝我朋友伊莱通过考试的派对 但我不去了 for our friend Eli who just passed his boards, but I'll skip it.
什么 你不会想错过的 What? No, you're not missing that.
我是来这里感受你洛杉矶生活的 好吗 I came here to experience your LA life, okay?
工作聚会也包括在内 Work parties included.
不好意思 Hoo, sorry.
对不起 我什么也没看到 Sorry, I didn't see anything.
我保证不会告诉你老公的 I promise I'm not gonna tell your husband.
真好笑 伊莱 这是我老公 Oh, very funny, Eli. This is my husband.
我知道 我开玩笑的 I know. I'm kidding.
希德 那个男人 一个神话 一个传奇 Sid, the man, the myth, the legend.
你们要来参加我的小小狂欢会吗 You guys coming to my little shindig?
祈祷这次不会重复 Fingers crossed it's not
戴弗曼通过考试那次的场景 a repeat of when Daverman passed the board.
别担心 Oh, don't worry.
我不会让戴弗曼的事重演的 I won't let this event go full Daverman.
问题是 你根本不知道戴弗曼事故会何时发生 Problem is, you never see a Daverman coming.
谁告诉我戴弗曼是谁 让我也乐一乐啊 Someone tell me who Daverman is, so I can enjoy this, too.
我活这么多年 In all my years,
从来没见过这么惨的年轻人 I've never met such a doomed young man.
再见 Goodbye.
永别 Forever.
发生什么了 她预测什么了 What just happened? What did she predict for you?
老实说 真的很尴尬 It's honestly so embarrassing,
我都说不出口 I can barely bring myself to say it.
行吧 Okay, fine.
她说我今晚会死 She said I was gonna die tonight.
从农场营地那次真心话大冒险之后 Oh, I haven't been fed a pile of crap like that
从来没听过这么多垃圾话 since Truth or Dare night at farm camp.
哇 这... 有点过了啊 Wow, that is... That is pretty out there.
听着 大家应该都认同黛夫人满嘴胡话了吧 Look, I think we can all agree that Madame Deb is full of it,
所以 我走了 混蛋们 so... peace, suckers.
她从来没错过 She's never been wrong before,
但她今天可能不在状态 but maybe she's having an off day.
- 他完了 - 他阳寿已尽 - He's a dead man. - His time has come.
天哪 Oh, my God.
我好爱这里 I love it here!
我桌上有个大电话 There's a big phone on my desk,
有时候会响 我就会说 "我是索菲" and sometimes, it rings, and I'm like, "Go for Sophie."
索菲 艾伦 Oh! Sophie, Ellen.
很高兴看到你俩这么快成了朋友 I see you two have become fast friends. Love it.
不 不是 我们之前就认识 Oh, no! No, no. We know each other from before.
- 记得她发的推荐吗 - 对 就是我 - Remember she sent that recommendation? - That's right! I did.
记得吗 我给你写了一封长邮件 Remember, I-I sent you that long email
说我最好的朋友索菲 about my best friend Sophie,
非常适合这份工作 and h-how she'd be perfect for the job?
没有 没收到过 No, never got it, and you
你知道我对管理收件箱这事很认真的 know I'm a stickler for inbox organization.
我对要记住 Well, I'm a stickler
给老板写推荐邮件这件事也很认真的 for remembering when I send vouching emails to my boss,
那我们对认真这件事的看法 so it appears that you and I
有点分歧啊 are in a stickler standoff.
我会让信息技术部门来说明一下的 I'll have IT open a ticket.
你根本没发过邮件吧 You never sent that email, did you?
没有 Not exactly, no.
但是 网络的事情别管了吧 But, enough with this internet stuff.
还是看看现实生活吧 You know, whatever happened to real life?
你在现实生活中推荐我了吗 Uh, did you recommend me in real life?
没有 No...
你确定要这么做吗 宝贝 You sure you wanna do this, babe?
只不过是一群书呆子外科医生 It's just a bunch of nerdy surgeons.
你男人可以跟外科医生混一混的 Your boy can hang with surgeons.
我也上过一段时间的医学院 I went to med school for a hot minute.
我什么都可以聊 叫我克伦普教授 I can talk about anything. I mean, call me Professor Klump 克伦普教授Professor Klump是电影《肥佬教授》的主角
因为我比较圆润 because I am well-rounded.
1996年艾迪·墨菲主演电影 你们在说《肥佬教授》吗 好电影 Oh, you guys talking Nutty Professor? Great movie.
甲状腺功能减退的经典实例 Classic case of hypothyroidism,
对吧 am I right?
那片子不就是讲克伦普喝了药水 Well, wasn't it just that Klump drank that potion
重新构建了他的DNA that reconstructed his DNA
然后变得更瘦更酷的事吗 to make him thinner and cooler?
不 宝贝 我们玩的游戏是 No, babe, it's this game we play
把电影里的角色 where we take characters from movies,
拿出来诊断真实的病症 and we diagnose them with actual medical conditions.
好吧 真好笑 Oh... Okay, that is hilarious.
好 我来试一个 Okay, I'm gonna try one.
懂了 汤姆·汉克斯 Got it. Tom Hanks.
《费城故事》讲的是一位年轻律师因为同性恋身患艾滋后 遭遇职场不公 最后依靠法律讨回公道的故事 《费城故事》 艾滋病 Philadelphia. AIDS.
理论上是对的 Um, technically true,
但游戏不是这么玩的 but it's not really how the game is played.
行吧 我再来一个 Fine, I'ma try another one.
《达拉斯买家俱乐部》讲的是一个艾滋病人 如何努力求生并拯救成千上万面临同样境遇的人的故事 马修·麦康纳 《达拉斯买家俱乐部》 Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club--
说点别的吧 Let's talk about something else.
我不理解 I just don't understand.
为什么你不给我发推荐邮件 Why did you not send that recommendation?
索菲 对不起 我忘记了 Sophie, I'm sorry. I totally forgot.
我事情太多了 所以就... 忘记了 I have a lot on my plate, and it just... It just slipped my mind.
好了 Okay!
我想到一个史上最棒的点子 I literally just came up with the best idea in history!
既然你们说对方是最好的朋友 Since you two are self-described best friends,
我打算让你们组队 I'm teaming you up to pitch
去做下一个大的蔬菜品牌重塑计划 on the next big veggie re-brand!
等等 你不是在说卷心菜账户那件事吧 Wait. You don't mean the cabbage account?
正是 Indeed I do.
我们的研究表明 卷心菜消费者平均年龄 Our research shows that the average cabbage consumer
是97岁 is 97 years old.
我们要想点办法 We need to figure out
让卷心菜看起来很潮流 很年轻 how to make cabbage seem hip and young,
就像西兰苔那样 like we did with broccolini.
什么 那是你们做的吗 What!? That was you guys?
我今早还喝了西兰苔汁呢 I literally had a broccolini smoothie this morning.
千千万万个卷心菜农就指望着你们的友谊了 Thousands of cabbage farmers are depending on your friendship.
我们任务很艰巨啊 Hey. We've got our work cut out for us.
我所有知道的跟卷心菜相关的 The only thing I know about cabbage
卷心菜娃娃 美国家庭熟悉的玩具 后被做成动画片 就只有卷心菜娃娃 和这支舞了 are the patch kids and this dance.
- 上吧 索菲 - 不 - Go, Sophie-- - No!
还在生你的气呢 你没资格拥有我的友谊 Still pissed at you. You do not get to enjoy me.
你好啊 Hey, buddy.
我们就在附近 We just thought we'd stop by
你最喜欢的那家餐厅 since we were in the neighborhood...
所以顺便过来看看你 Of your favorite restaurant.
哇 意式牛肉千层面 太好了 Wow! Lasagna Alfredo Al Forno? That's so nice!
等等 你们不是好人啊 怎么了 Wait. You're not nice. What's going on?
我不行 杰斯 在我们看来你离死不远了 I can't do this. Jesse, we think you're a dead man walking.
怎么 你们相信黛博拉夫人的话 What, you think Madame Deborah's right?
天呐 这是最后一餐了 你们来给我饯行了 Oh, my God. This is a last meal. You're last meal-ing me.
杰斯 有个灯从天花板上掉下来了 Jesse, a light fixture fell from the ceiling,
跟《死神来了》一样 你刚离开酒吧就掉了 Final Destination- style, as soon as you left the bar.
那个地方简直一团乱 Yeah, that place is a mess!
两周前自动点唱机也坏了 Two weeks ago, the jukebox exploded.
但这不代表今晚我就要死了 It doesn't mean I'm dying tonight.
可黛博拉夫人从来没说错过 Well, Madame Deborah has never been wrong before.
她甚至预测过未来会上演 She even predicted there was gonna be
一系列以高中生活为主题的音乐剧 a High School Musical The Musical The Series!
任何人都能预测到这一点 这么显而易见的事 Anyone would have predicted that. It's a slam-dunk franchise.
杰斯 如果她说的是对的 Jesse, on the off chance that this woman is correct,
我们想为你办一个难忘的告别式 we would like to give you a fabulous last evening.
请告诉我们你的临终遗愿 So, please, tell us your dying wishes...
在你去往地狱之前 before you're dragged to hell.
- 啥 - 也有可能是天堂 - What? - Or heaven.
说不定他背着我们做了很多好事呢 Maybe he's done a lot of nice shit we've never seen.
你俩能去别的地方讨论我灵魂的最终去处吗 Can you two please discuss the fate of my soul somewhere else?
我待会还要参加瓦尔比派克眼镜的试戴活动 I have a Warby Parker virtual try-on appointment to attend to, so...
我觉得我可以开始列遗愿清单了 I guess I could whip up a quick bucket list for us to chip away at.
我告诉他 "不要停止战斗 拉米雷斯先生 So I told him, "Don't you dare stop fighting, Mr. Ramirez.
因为如果你死了 Because if you die,
磨冰机就赢了" the Zamboni wins."
好吧 你拯救了一个人 Okay, you saved one man.
可一共有多少人 一百万 How many are there? Like, a million?
也许吧 希德 Something like that. So, Sid,
汉娜跟我说你开了家酒吧 Hannah tells me that y-you own a bar?
希德超级厉害 所有饮品他都会做 Sid is amazing! He can make, like, any drink.
没错 你们喝过理查德威士忌吗 She's right. You guys ever had a Whiskey Richard?
没有 No...
- 那波本威士忌呢 - 也没有 - Where’s the bourbon? - Damn, I don't think we have any.
街对面倒是有一家卖酒的店 Although, there's a liquor store across the street,
但现在外面正在下大雨 but it's raining pretty hard right now, so...
你觉得我会怕这区区一点雨吗 Heh, heh. You think I'm scared of a little rain?
还有一点风 Oh no, is there a light breeze, too?
伊莱 我是纽约人 I'm a New Yorker, Eli.
这点雨对我来说不算什么 I can handle a little drizz.
我还以为洛杉矶人都很温和 Man, I thought LA people were soft, but this is, hoo,
没想到… next level-
我会说 "卷心菜的精髓在于..." And then I'll say, "The true essence of cabbage is..."
然后你说 友谊 And then you'll say, "Friendship."
我记得 Yeah, I remember.
我们当中有个人记性很好 Because one of us has a working memory.
很好 你现在对我有一肚子怨气 Great dig. You know, you're coming at me with a lot of big-dig energy right now.
我们能不翻旧账向前看吗 Can we just please move forward with our lives?
向前看 Oh, forward.
你本来应该帮我润色简历 What you were supposed to do with my resume,
可是你没有 but didn't.
索菲 你这就有点不讲理了 Sophie, you're being a tad annoying.
你是阴 Ying.
我本就该是与你协作的阳 What I was supposed to be to your yang.
你听我说 Okay, you know what?
我没有忘记推荐你 我之所以没有这么做 I didn't forget to recommend you. I didn't wanna vouch for you
是因为我不确定你是否能胜任这份工作 because I wasn't sure you could hold down a real job.
为什么不确定 Why not?
因为你居然以为朝九晚五是指早上九点起床 You thought 9-to-5 meant that you wake up at 9:00.
- 很多人都这么想 - 怎么可能 - A lot of people think that! - No, they don't!
这根本说不通啊 It doesn't make any sense!
这样一来每个人上班的时间都会不一样 Everyone would just show up at different times!
卷心菜 我来了 Let's get ready to cabbage!
我们先做汇报 Woo! Let's just get through the presentation,
- 这些事之后再说 - 没问题 - and then we'll talk about it later. - Not a problem.
女士们 先生们 Ladies and gentlemen!
欢迎来到未来 Welcome to the future,
在未来 卷心菜不再是一种配菜 where cabbage isn't just an ingredient anymore.
它将是一种体验 It's an experience.
一种共享体验 An experience to be shared.
撕下来 共分享 Rip it and share it!
下一代卷心菜 The next generation of cabbage
会让人们相聚 is about bringing people together
因为卷心菜的精髓在于 because the true essence of cabbage is...
索菲 你不打算接友谊吗 Sophie? D-D-Don't you wanna say friendship?
我不知道 艾伦 我在想 Uh, I don't know, Ellen. I was just thinking about
卷心菜一共分多少种 all the different kinds of cabbage there are.
有绿的 有紫的 There's Napa cabbage, and purple,
- 还有自私的 - 是吗 - and then there's selfish. - Oh, really?
- 一共有这三种卷心菜吗 - 没错 - Those are the three cabbages? - Mm-hmm.
自私的卷心菜总是只关心自己 The selfish cabbages are always just looking out for themselves.
不对它的朋友们施以援手 You know, not really supportive of their cabbage friends.
也许是因为它们 Or maybe, they're the ones
付出了全部努力才走到今天的位置 who worked really, really hard to get where they are,
不能因为某些靠运气得到工作的金发小白脸 and they just can't risk throwing it all away
就放弃这来之不易的一切 for some flaky blonde cabbage who lucked their way into the job.
等等 卷心菜还有工作吗 什么意思 Wait, the cabbage has a job? I'm lost.
自私的卷心菜感到非常抱歉 你还想怎么样 The selfish cabbage said they were sorry. What else do you want?
我希望你 I want you...
觉得我配得上这份工作 to think that I'm good enough to be here,
放下你高高在上的身段 to get off of your high horse
做一个支持我的朋友 and just be a supportive friend.
卷心菜 Cabbage.
艾伦 来我办公室一趟 Ellen, my office.
你把自己摔得很惨啊 亲爱的 疼吗 Oh, you banged yourself up pretty good, sweetie. Does this hurt?
你好啊 Hey, 'sup, player?
好消息是没有骨折 Uh, the good news is nothing's broken.
但你的尾骨有很严重的挫伤 But, you do have a pretty gnarly coccyx contusion,
所以 我很抱歉地通知你 so, I'm sorry to say...
这段时间尽量不要进行下半身运动 ...no lower-body intensive activities for a while.
抱歉 希德 或者我应该说 抱歉 汉娜 Sorry, Sid. Or should I say, sorry, Hannah.
你真幽默 不过幽默得不合时宜 Funny, but not right now.
你听着 幽默的家伙 Okay, you know what, funny guy?
我不想听一个三小时前 I think I'd like to get an opinion from someone
才刚刚通过考试的人给我提的建议 who didn't just pass his boards, like, three hours ago.
我没有 我对你已经很好了 You know, I don't get it. I've been so nice to you--
伊莱 能让我们单独待一会儿吗 Eli, could you just give us a sec?
好吧 Alright.
希德 你怎么了 为什么这么粗鲁 Sid, what is going on with you? Why are you being so rude?
没有我 你一个人在这里也活得很好 You have this whole world over here without me.
我不是医生 我也不认识什么戴弗曼 And I-I'm not a doctor. I don't know Daverman.
伊莱这么帅 And Eli's so handsome.
我不想染上艾滋病 And I suck at the AIDS game.
伊莱怎么了 What about Eli?
你们俩在一起的时间这么长 It's just you guys get to spend all this time together.
你们之间有说不完的悄悄话 You guys have a million inside jokes. It's a lot.
抱歉 宝贝 I'm sorry, babe.
我真的很讨厌洛杉矶 I'm really tanking this LA thing.
如果你在这里待得久一点 你会爱上它的 If you had more time, you would crush LA.
不过恐怕你没有这个机会了 But I'm afraid you're not gonna get that chance.
老天爷 我要死了吗 Oh, my God, am I dying?
不 希德 No, Sid.
我决定搬去纽约了 I've decided to move to New York.
可是... 可是你很喜欢洛杉矶啊 But... But you love LA.
你在这边有美好的生活 You have this whole amazing life over here.
是啊 但是我更爱你 Yeah, but I love you more.
而你是纽约人 And you're a New Yorker.
真的吗 Really?
真的 Really.
谢谢你 Thank you.
好了 Okay.
那个戴弗曼的故事到底是什么 So, what's the Daverman story, anyway?
那个不重要 Oh, it's nothing.
他拉裤子里了 He shit his pants.
大家好啊 Aloha!
好吧 我知道这不是真正的夏威夷之旅 Okay, I know it's not quite the real deal,
但是 在你的人生目标列表中 but we can check
可以把去夏威夷的目标划掉了 "go to Hawaii" off your bucket list.
是赫尔辛基 It was Helsinki.
我一直想去赫尔辛基 I always wanted to go to Helsinki.
是吗 Really?
老哥 你应该去练练字 Oh, bro, you should work on your penmanship.
但是你剩的时间可能不够了 Oh, there's probably not enough time...
好嘞 谢谢您 太好了 Okay! Thank you very much! Right!
根据你的列表 Per your list,
我联系了特里·格罗斯 约她采访你 I have reached out to Terry Gross about interviewing you. 特里·格罗斯 美国记者 主持著名广播访谈节目《新鲜空气》(Fresh Air)
她的原话是 She said, and I quote,
"我们节目叫《新鲜空气》 "It's called Fresh Air,
不叫《谁都能来吸一口的空气》" not Who The Hell Is That Guy Air."
特里·格罗斯说的吗 Terry Gross said that?
不是 是一个很凶的叫贝莉的实习生说的 No. The "she" in this story is her very rude intern, Bailey.
列表上有没有我们真的能做到的事情啊 Is there anything on this list that we can actually achieve?
"成为《周六夜现场》的音乐嘉宾" 不行 Uh, "be the musical guest on SNL." No.
"成为《周六夜现场》的 "Be the musical guest
音乐嘉宾和主持人" 杰斯 and host on SNL." Jesse...
呃 "成为一个父亲" Uh, "become a dad."
没有你之后 我们也许可以做到最后这一项 We might be able to pull that last one off without you.
你的冰箱的温度最低可以开到几度 How cold does your freezer get?
我去拿杯子 Ooh, I'll get a cup!
- 我从来没见过这样的 - 都是我的错 - I've never seen anything - It's all my fault, okay?
- 索菲 你在说什么 - 她说得对 - Sophie, what are you - She's right.
我这人有很多小毛病 I am a work in progress.
但是 艾伦非常优秀 如果你把她开除了 But, Ellen is the best, and if you fire her,
那你脑子就是被驴踢了 马克·弗拉克森 you are out of your goddamn mind, Mark Flarkson.
我姓克鲁兹 而且我没有打算开除艾伦 My last name is Cruz, and I'm not firing Ellen.
我正在进行健康检查 I'm conducting a wellness check.
然而 我在考虑开除你 I am, however, considering firing you
因为你让我的一个优秀员工 because you took one of my best employees
举止变得很奇怪 and made her act really weird.
- 我理解 - 不 - I understand. - No!
你不能开除她 You can't fire her.
我来告诉你为什么索菲·汤普金斯这么棒 Let me tell you why Sophie Tompkins is the best.
- 乖乖咧 - 确实 - Oh boy. - Sure,
她有很多小毛病 she's rough around the edges
而且一般情况下 她几乎都表现不怎么样 and can barely conduct herself in general,
更别提在办公室了 我的意思是 有时候 let alone in an office. I mean, sometimes,
如果你离她特别近 if you stand close to her,
还能听到她轻声地念着自己的名字 像这样 you can hear her quietly chanting her own name. Like,
索菲 索菲 Sophie, Sophie...
- 你能听到 - 当然了 - You can hear that? - Mm-hmm.
我以为只是在心里默念的 I thought that was just in my head.
但是 我要告诉你五十个 But, here are 50 reasons
索菲适合在哥利亚工作的理由 第一 why Sophie's perfect for Goliath. One--
好了 她可以留下 No! She can stay.
请停止吹捧彼此 Just please stop advocating for each other,
去把卷心菜营销方案做完吧 and go finish the cabbage campaign!
太感谢您了 弗拉克森-克鲁兹先生 Thank you so much, Mr. Flarkson-Cruz.
是克鲁兹 It's just Cruz.
我保证 不会再有闹剧发生了 And I promise, no more drama.
索菲 艾伦 我爱你们 Sophie! Ellen! I love you!
我很抱歉 只是我可能活不过今晚了 I'm sorry. It's just, I may be dying tonight.
停止闹剧 从现在开始 No more drama starting... now.
我看起来怎么样 How do I look?
像一个整装待发准备赴死的人 Like a man who's ready to go.
同意 开棺的时髦感 Agreed. Open casket chic.
我还没搞懂怎么回事 I still don't know what's going on.
我也不懂 装作你很在乎的样子 Me neither. Just act like you care.
还有十五秒就零点了 各就各位 Fifteen seconds to midnight. Places, people.
好了 Okay.
十 Ten.
九 八 Nine. Eight...
再见了 老朋友 六 Goodbye, old friend. Six.
五 四 Five. Four...
愿天使为你歌唱直到你安息 May the angels sing thee to thy rest.
二 一 Two. One!
我还活着 I'm alive.
哈 我就知道我不会死 Ha! I knew it all along!
是吗 那你为什么来我公司 跟我们道别 Really? Then, why'd you show up at my work to say goodbye to us?
当然是为了照顾这俩傻蛋的感情啦 What? For these dumb-dumbs!
你们一定觉得自己很傻吧 Y'all must be feeling pretty stupid right now.
我傻吗 我甚至都不知道为什么我们要来这 Me? I still don't even know why we're here.
好了 我明天还要去上班 Alright, well, I've got work tomorrow morning,
我一定会到场的 因为我还活蹦乱跳的 which I will be attending because I am very much alive.
抱歉 杰斯 我们的错 Sorry, Jesse. Our bad.
但是她从来没有算错过 But she's never wrong.
请不要再来我公司了 Please do not show up at my work again.
好的 我想我应该不会死的 Alright. I guess I'm never gonna die.
各位 万一是太平洋时间呢 Guys! What if they meant Pacific Time?
第二天早上 我们的卷心菜营销方案起作用了 The next morning, our cabbage campaign went live.
艾伦 看那边 Ellen! Look over there.
看那里 Look over there!
还有那里 And over there!
还有那里 Oh, and over there!
我的天呐 索菲 看看四周 Oh, my God, Sophie, look around.
到处都是哎 我们做到了 It's everywhere. We did it!
做得好 We did it!
事情不可能发展成那样 There's no way that's how it happened.
每个人都会立刻马上去吃卷心菜吗 Every single person was eating a cabbage almost immediately?
我的印象中确实如此 That's the way I remember it,
所以事情就是这样的 so that's how it happened.
♪世界尽在我的掌握♪ The world in my own hands
♪我要去上班 班 班♪ I'm going to work, work, work
♪我也是 是 是♪ And so am I, I, I
♪我们拥有这一切 一切 一切♪ We have it all, all, all
♪他差点挂 挂 挂♪ He almost died, died, died
♪给老娘让开 让开 让开♪ Get out of our way, way, way
♪哦 哦♪ Oh... Oh...
♪给老娘让开 让开 让开♪ Get out of our way, way, way
♪哦 哦♪ Oh... Oh...
♪给老娘让开♪ Get out of our way!